This post will have two parts: first I want to talk a bit about what part schizophrenia has played in my life, so you get an idea of who I am and where I come from. Then, I will talk about my main concerns and question, related to my title.
My father is schizophrenic; but I don't really know him, nor his illness. I could probably count on one hand the times when I saw him that I can remember. Recently, though, I have felt a strong desire to talk and make a contact with him. I would like to understand in what kind of world he lives, and I also feel that he has the right to know and talk to his daughter. I hardly have any memories of him; yet I love him. I feel that I have abandonned him, although I didn't mean it. My mother felt too much pain to keep contact with him and to talk about him and his illness to her children. I feel she wanted to protect us of the pain she had to go through herself when she saw her true love become someone else. However, now that I am adult, it is up to me to go to him. I somewhat find it hard. I don't feel guilty: I only feel that I can do something and that I ought to do it. I know I will give birth again to a part of myself once I will have finally met my father.
I also have been wondering a lot about what is schizophrenia and its relation with spirituality, which is a big part of my world. I have heard things about the fact that schizophrenics would more easily sense the completeness of the universe and their own relationship with it. They would better be able to feel the divine force in everything. That's also in line with how I feel about this, intuitively. There are things in my brain that allow me to understand the gross relality around me, but that also prevent me to perceive its more subtle nature; and that schizophrenic people lack. So, at the same as their brain has problems to only perceive the surface reality that everybody else sees, they have also the opportunity to understand things that most people can hardly access.
This is a question for all people here who have schizophrenia: Since you have developed that illness, do you feel and understand more what is the nature of the universe and what humans are meant to do throughout their life? If so, tell me what you feel or think. I'm eager to know.
Any obstacle is easier and more understandable in a spiritual perspective. Schizophrenia surely is one of the worst illnesses there is, in that it makes you lose part of what you have always considered to be Yourself. And it's always the most difficult hardships that have the greatest potential for making people grow. Thus, this illness can be very destructive, but I believe if one learns how to control it, it can actually help him become a great person, who understands what life is made of.
And Yourself, your true essence, is something that cannot be altered. Life is about discovering and understanding what it is, so you don't have to be in pain anymore.
Thank you for having taken time to read this.
Love to all,
AimingBliss
Last edited by moderator2; 07-31-2007 at 06:54 AM.
Reason: posted contact info
Re: Do you feel you're a divine part of the universe?
AimingBliss,
I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type (a cross between schizophrenia and bipolar) last year after experiencing my first severe manic episode which caused auditory hallucinations, persecutory delusions, extreme confusion and irritability.
It took me almost a year to recouperate from the episode and I am just now learning to come to terms with this "illness."
Although I've always been a religious person, the experience I had brought me even closer to God in many respects because it makes me appreciate the control I now have back in my life again. I've been stable on meds for a year and that also makes me feel thankful.
Because of what I experienced, I also have more empathy and understanding for people with mental illness.
I believe that if a person is able to control their "illness" (as much as possible given their circumstance), they can learn how to appreciate life all the more and grow from their experience.
I don't know if my post really addresses your question, but I thought I'd share my own perspective for what it's worth.
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Re: Do you feel you're a divine part of the universe?
Hello. I was diagnosed first as Schizoeffect, then full blown Schozophrenic about 3 years ago. It took me a while to get back to life after my first episode. In May of this year I was hospitalized again because I ran out of medicine and was too ashamed to admit to my family I did not have the money to go to my doctor. It was a terrible way to spend my 27th birthday ( I was admitted on my birthday after a drinking binge).
I am baptized Catholic, but I am also a Buddhist. No, Buddhism is not a religion. But a belief system which I turned to shortly before being diagnosed. My family can actually tell when I'm off my meds. Different speech, different topics of discussion, the list goes on and on.
I was not close to my father who died about 14 years ago. He was, at the very least, an alcoholic. Something I also struggle with on occassion.
The best thing I can say is to actually read the book "A Beautiful Mind". It may be a cliche, but it helped me to understand the illness a little better. After nearly 4 years I, as well as my family have come to understand it a bit. It's still hard to describe to people what I feel and think and such, but my Psychiatrist knows and is very supportive. He even cut his rates for me.
The important thing is, your father may feel abandonded, although he wasn't. I went into a self imposed exhile for a while where I didn't want to talk to anyone. I've been doing it all my life because at some point I realized others just didn't think as I did. And the last thing you want to be with this illness is a loner. Hell, my ex-wife left me because she coulnd't understand why I was so cut off from her or the rest of the world.
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