I often dreamed of being a writer. I wanted to create a story that would be brilliant... like no other.
Unfortunately, while I appear to good at coming up with ideas, I suck at implementing those ideas into a story.
Little did I realise, that my own schizophrenia was creating a story of my own story.... a tragedy.
I began smoking marijuana at the age of 16. Within a few years I became depending on it, and continued to depend for about 2 years, until i was 22. At the age of 23, I met Cristina. I feel in love with her instantly. We met online, in a chat room. Don't get me wrong here! I wasn't looking for love online and neither was she... we didn't meet in a 'hook-up' chat room, we met in a general chat room and actually the first way we clicked was over how lame most people acted in chat rooms.
I didn't get to meet Cristina for 14 months. Through her own insecurities, she lied to me and said shortly after we met, that she'd had to travel overseas because her dad was ill. Her dad was perfectly well, at home with her here in Australia. Upon meeting Cristina, I felt I was recovered from the marijuana-induced paranoia I'd suffered over the years. However, the situation, which basically was... I'd never met this girl, this girl had my phone number, I didn't have hers (she didn't give me her phone number naturally because it would reveal she's not overseas!)... it brought out my paranoia again.
That said, she couldn't keep up the lies. Eventually she came clean and we met. But after 3 amazing yet subtly paranoid months, I abandoned her and entered a 1 month marijuana binge with my pot-head sister. Why did I do this? The best I can come up with, is I harboured all those ill feelings of paranoia and acted out on them. In me abandoning Cristina I was paying her back for lying.
It didn't stop there. After my binge, Cristina and I moved out together. While things were good, the smallest things would just make me flip out. I damaged many things, myself, furniture, doors, walls, even Cristina, in a fit of rage.
Cristina and I battled and battled. I thought I just had anger management... but i never sought for it... I just promised each time that it would never happen and that was good enough for her. We had 4 bitter-sweet years together.
I had a few setbacks work-wise... I started a few careers but failed. I feel that again opened the door, to a new greater evil. This was 1 year ago. I began to believe I was destined to fall in love with Cristina's then-14 year old sister. I kept watching for, and seeing, signs that she too was coming of age and beginning to see our destiny.
A long story short, It culminated in me one night declaring my love to her. In some way, (in the rational, logical part of my mind) telling her I loved her would've led to her declaring the same in return, and then I would tell her off for trying to steal me away from her sister. Well, it backfired. She FREAKED out... she told Cristina and her parents, which led to them going nuts and beating into me. Yes... I deserved much worse.
Within days, I had abandoned a freaked-out Cristina again and was staying with my sister. Cristina must have called 1000 times in that month or so... begging me for answers, begging to understand why the heck I said what I said to her sister. I kept her at bay, but kept her hanging on at the same time. I turned my parents against her, saying it was her who was the crazy one. I smoked my head off again.
The paranoia them came back, stronger than ever. I'd read up in the past few years on how the world is going to enter a huge change @ 2012, the end of the Mayan Calendar... about how humanity will evolve into psychic, universally aligned beings... just goog|e search 2012 and you'll see what I mean.
(Note:- keep in mind the only time I've smoked in the last 6 years has been the 2 'binges' I've stated)
In the week leading up to me finally saying no to marijuana, I'd had the most vivid delusions yet. My final night of smoking saw me believing the world was about to end.... where good vs. evil will battle for control of the next existence. And little old me, was the central character. It would begin the moment I stopped smoking. So you can imagine, there I was, flipping out at my sister's dealer house... and my sister's dealer was handing me bong after bong... and i'm thinking my sister's boyfriend (a good guy) and the dealer (a bad guy) were about to start trying to kill each other... along with the rest of the world.
I stopped smoking... and nothing happened. I had actually by that stage accepted my fate in my part of the end of the world. Driving home from the dealer's house, I had hallucinations so great that I actually simulated my own heart failing. It was beating out of control, in such a weird, messed up way. Then, back at my sister's house, every time I took my eye off my sister's boyfriend, I saw him at the corner of my eye reaching for a gun underneath the trench coat he was wearing.
As you can imagine, I still believe the world was ending the day after, Friday the 1st of June. There was even these evil looking biker dudes having a spit roast outside there work for lunch... I thought the thing being cooked was a human... because that's what I believed evil people were, cannibals.
By the time I met Cristina that night... I was a wreck.
In the past six months, I've done things differently. I've actually sought help... I've been diagnosed, I'm taking medication. Things were going ok... but I was still having fits of rage. I even broke Cristina's laptop last week. I saw a DVD last night called "The Secret", someone from my work gave it to me and thought I could benefit from it. Bascially, if you haven't seen it... it says this;
The Secret is the Law of Attraction, the most powerful law in the universe. If we think 'i don't want to catch a cold', then the universe hears our thoughts as simply 'cold'... and in turn gives us a cold. If we think "I will make $100,000 a year", and we visualise it strongly enough, then the universe will make it happen. Basically, like attracts like, if we think good things, good things will come.
More new age crap for me to think about. What's funny is, The Secret is what my paranoia has always feared most... that my thoughts create my own reality... and that because i'm a paranoid schizophrenic, then I can't help it, but be miserable and make those around me miserable.
I started a new job a few months ago... at an institute that trains life coaches. As you'd imagine, most of the staff there are all life coaches and very much into the new age movement. One of them even proclaims to be from a family of psychics. We moved premises last Friday, and my boss decided to shout everyone some expensive Japanese. I was the only one who had chicken... and got food poisoning from it. The only problem was, before I realised I had food poisoning, I thought I was having another episode. And that opened the door... I've been feeling paranoid at work ever since... and all I head people talk about at work is stuff that sounds like there talking about me: like one person who said a person they just met freaks them out, or that one of the students is a freak because she believes she's under psychic attack. I feel that sooner or later, my work will fire me, because they can 'sense' there's something right with me... because of my thoughts... not because of my actions.
What's even worse is, in my honesty to Cristina, it has made her unbelievably depressed. Now we have 2 people under our roof with a mental illness. All she wants is for me to get better, but with every day, I show her that that may never be possible.
It occurred to me Friday night, after the move, my food poisoning and my first episode whilst at my new job, whilst bursting into tears that my own life had become the story I always wanted to write about. And the final cruel twist being: am I schizophrenic because I wanted to create such a crazy story... or do I want to create such crazy stories because I am schizophrenic?
Thanks for reading...
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