Hi... First off, I'd like to say thanks for your post. I quite honestly enjoy reading people's stories... Whether they be negative, or positive... But I seem to more-so enjoy the fact that you're not afraid to speak the truth...
Quite often on forums, you'll read similar posts such as yours, about bad things that have minor, or major proportionate relations to schizophrenic/psychotic/bipolar symptoms... They ask if others think they have schizophrenia, or psychosis... Yet, they forget to include things like, drug use... Etc...
I know this might sound... off... But I appreciate you including the drug use... Because not only does that allow anyone who knows the basics about psychosis, to look at those words and,
THINK, "That could cause psychotic symptoms..." It also allows anyone of those who know the basics about psychosis to ,
WRITE, "That could cause psychotic symptoms..." Especially those who have psychosis and can relate to your story...
And thats the truth... You're drug use, as you've stated, could indeed have brought, "UPON," the symptoms you speak of... HOWEVER... It did NOT, "CAUSE," your psychotic symptoms... I hear in the medical world, that
sometimes, if you're using drugs, and psychotic thoughts/symptoms appear during, or after drug use... That means that you've had an illness prior to the drug use, and you, having used drugs; only alleviated, in a, "Negative way," - the psychotic illness which hibernates/hibernated inside you...
If that made any sense... ahah, I'm alittle baffled by that myself...
Anyways... Everything you stated, about your past 5 years, I can relate to... I think almost anyone can and does develop depression at some point in their life... And almost anyone who develops a life-long mental illness can relate to having anxiety, insomnia, and... self-harm... I feel for you, you're very young... You say you have few friends, if any... You get irritated with people mostly... You get suspicious, paranoid and worried about other people's motives...
An important question for you to ask
yourself, is, "At what point, in your life... Did you feel like what you stated in
YOUR writing below;...
"i dunno...maybe im waffling....i can;t cry or feel happiness, im just a dead sole...living piece of tissue...the world is a strange place is it real??? whats reality? im pretty obessesad af f hmm" AND, at what POINT, did you start experiencing;...
- dont have any real friends, doesn't bother. generally i get irritated and angry at people anyway.
- i have an imaginary friend who i talk to on/off, sometimes i get feelings like im being touched but obviously no one is here unless its my friend.
- I also have a ringing sound on/off varying forms of loudness which get on my nerves which i can't explain why, see things but nothing for that long. im paranoid and suspiciousness of people, always questioning thier motives.
- Ive noticed my personal hygiene has gone down hill, rarely wash myself or shave or do anything really
It is important to realize when You started to feel this way... Because you,
NEED to find out if it was a mental illness that occured naturally, or after the drug use... If you're symptoms started after using drugs, that may very well be whats causing the symptoms to come out... Using weed, meth, cocaine, is linked to the neurotransmitter's that are, "THOUGHT," to be directly linked to the cause and worsening of psychosis/mental illnesses... (Psychotic especially) If you haven't already, look up
DOPAMINE... If you have too much
DOPAMINE in your brain, you can become psychotic... And that is exactly the reaction all three drugs you've stated to have abused; will do in return...
Its
important to know this... I mean, if you were depressed, and anxious, while you were a young teenager, you could have isolated yourself from friends, and became paranoid about their motives once in awhile from an undiagnosed/untreated depression... And being away from friends, could have very well been the cause of deterioration in your social skills, which could have even worsened you're ability to perform in social situations/society/reality... And you're perception and opinion on the motives of others...
And what caused your depression is also important to know...
I'm saying this because, if you were to go to a psychiatrist, or a doctor... They would
NEED to know your background story... Its all a part of the whole image of your life, upon which diagnosis's can be made, medications/treatments can be started and you're life can/will start to become better...
If you became depressed naturally. (without drugs/alcohol) That could have very well been the reason why you started using drugs... Everyone finds something to help cope with depression/anxiety, etc... And maybe you ended up finding something that seemed to help in the short term... But really made things worse in the long term... (DRUGS)
What I'm saying, is that you're experiencing things that
COULD be percieved as psychotic, the way you worded them... The feeling like someone touches you, the ringing in your ears... Feeling shut out from the world, asking whether or not, "
ALL THIS," is reality... Feeling suspicious of others motives... Paranoid... Having difficulty expressing yourself to others...
Its a fact, that some people, become psychotic, or have psychotic-like symptoms while using drugs, or even while going through drug withdrawal. (Drug exits system = withdrawal)
Could it be, "
POSSIBLE," that at some point in your early life, you became so depressed... (AS most kids do during teen years) That you simply, became accustomed to using drugs as a means of escaping whatever it was/is that made you depressed.... Could it also be possible, that the drugs, "
ADDED," symptoms to your depression, made things worse and even introduced you to temporary/permanent psychotic symptoms such as those you've listed...?
IF this is the way it is in your mind... After looking back... Maybe you're problems lye with drugs... BUT, maybe it would have happened even if you had
not used drugs... Who knows... Either way, you should seek some form of help, possible treatment to get over what you've stated to have been experiencing... It aint fun, I can relate to you on all your symptoms...
I am speaking my mind from my own experiences... My own past... It is very similar to what you speak of... The only thing that you're not so clear on, is, when you stated that you have an imaginary friend whom you talk to... You also stated that you see things... What do you mean by an imaginary friend? Do you, "
LITERALLY," hear voices? Do you see your imaginary friend? How long has this been happening...? Do you know?
I think this is a good place to ask questions... But if you're certain (Which I think you are) you have a problem which needs professionalism involved... (Which I personally think you need) Then you should go and get it... They are there for, "YOU..."
I feel for you because I, like Yourself, have lived a VERY similar path... I hope I answered some of your questions... But
YOUR MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION... Can only be answered by
YOURSELF.... "Do you need to seek help?"
Thanks,
