Iím struggling to cope with every day life because of lots of different things. I donít really know where to begin explaining my problems, as there are a lot and they donít all happen all of the time. I thought if I list them, and group them into there frequency it might make it clearer.
The things that happen day to day:
ē I canít make friends or keep friends, because I worry that Iím not good enough to be there friend so I try far too hard and end up doing stupid things. These stupid things can be getting drunk and then getting upset or simply going over the top and making a spectacle of myself which pisses off the people Iím with who then donít want me to be around them anymore. Or I do things that I think are helping which might be that I go out of my way to help people and get nothing in return which I then resent or I interfere in things that are none of my business which always causes friction for the people I think Iím helping and then when they get angry with me and tell me they want nothing more to do with me I get angry and defensive because I canít see that what Iím doing is wrong. And then I think that they are just nasty people that judge me.
ē I canít concentrate on things, at home Iíll be watching a film, a TV programme or something and in the middle of it I just get up and walk off to do something random and unimportant. I then come back to the thing I was watching only to have no idea whatís going on. I then turn it over to something else and repeat the process. In addition to this I also canít just do one thing at once, if Iím sitting in the living Iíll have a magazine, catalogue, writing material (for stories that I start and never finish) and Iíll also have the TV on watching a programme and in the space of a couple of hours I will have sifted through everything in front of me at least twice. Without having taken any of it in.
ē I day dream, constantly. Even though Iím in a very happy relationship I day dream that I someone famous and important thatís very intelligent, talented and very pretty. I imagine that my famous self is married to someone else famous. I imagine the type of clothes this couple would both wear, the type of house they live in and the possessions they would own. I imagine that she is this big wonderful person that is herself around everyone and everyone still loves her for it. These daydreams can then take over my entire day, at work Iíll drift back to this daydream on and off all day long, and then on the way home Iím still day dreaming about this other life. Other times I might not be day dreaming about being someone else, just day dreaming about a better more successful version of me, that out dose everyone whoíd ever been mean to me. For example Iíd be thinner, Iíd be in a highly successful well paid job, and weíd have a bigger better house and cars. And Iíd have good friends who want to spend time with me. All of these daydreams I have I also talk to myself about when Iím home alone. Like Iíll sit in the mirror and have a conversation with myself where Iím the famous person or just the better version of me. Or Iím pretending Iím someone else and Iím talking about the more famous or just the better me.
ē I over analyze every situation Iím confronted with, if I pass someone I know in the street and they donít say hi Iím worried Iíve done something to upset them, if I donít have contact with my sisters or family for a while I think itís because they donít like me and donít want to talk to me. If I have an argument with my fiancťe I over analyze it and turn it into something far bigger than it is. I over analyze myself. And am very self critical. On a low day this means I think Iím fat ugly and a nasty person that everyone avoids in the street. I go through phases of using alcohol to suppress this over analysis. I also use alcohol to sometimes help enhance my daydreams because the part of my brain thatís telling me it isnít real goes quiet when I drink alcohol.
ē Iíll go through stages of being very tired, regardless of how much sleep or little sleep Iíve had where I just canít do anything this then has a knock on affect because I wonít want to tidy the house or do the food shopping or walk the dog and my fiancť calls me lazy for it but I hate it when he does because Iím just really tired and everything is an effort.
ē I also donít like taking or making phone calls at home. At work Iím fine no problem because there not to do with me they are work but at home Iíll use all other phones of communication before I phone up and I can answer my mobile because I already know whoís on the other end of the phone but if I donít recognise the number I wonít answered it. And if we are in the car and my fiancť is driving and his phone rings and he asks me to answer it I panic. Even when I can clearly see itís someone I know like his mum or one of his sisters. I donít know if itís the same thing but I also donít like ordering drinks/or food from the bar of the pub we are in. I can do it if I have no choice and am on my own but when Iím with my fiancť he always orders it because I donít like doing it. He calls me lazy for it but itís not me being lazy I just for some reason donít like it. I worry that Iím going to make a mistake in what I order or that I donít have enough money on me to pay for what Iíve ordered. In addition to this Iím always checking and re checking money. If Iím in the queue at the supermarket or in any shop I check my purse for money or card at least a dozen times before I get to the till and then I get butterflies in my stomach just before the till person tells me the total in case I donít have enough, if Iím using my card I will triple check my pin number before entering it even though I know it of by heart and then I get nervous until the receipt starts printing off meaning that ,my card is accepted.
Things that happen from time to time:
ē I go through phases of not sleeping. My eating habits, drinking habits or working habits have not effect on this either. But Iíll go through months at a time of just not sleeping.
ē During the sleepless periods of time I also find that my mind over reacts. When lying in my bed Iíll start imagining that the bed is tipping my up and Iím falling down into some kind of hole. Or that there a small child I donít recognise sitting in the corner of my bedroom just staring at me and laughing. Iíve also heard my dead Nan calling me a couple of times. I also imagine that objects in the bedroom and moving on there own accord. Or that thereís a grizzly monster inches from me. During all of these things Iíll also not be able to move my body at all, Iíll try and try but I just canít move. I also get a ringing in my ears, like a high pitched sort of noise that makes me shudder. All of this happens in the time when I canít sleep.
ē Real low moods. Iíll have periods of time where I just canít find anything to be happy about. It might be triggered by stress at work or difficulties in family relationships of friendships but it always equates to intensified daydreams in the hope of knocking me into being happy again.
ē I also get urges to do silly things. Not terrible things but sometimes Iíll be holding a plate in my hand and Iíll have this urge to just smash it on the floor. Iíve also had an urge to reveal personal things about myself to strangers. Or Iíve had urges to tell other peoples secrets that I might know. Or Iíll have the urge to just leave, pack some things and just leave this can be with my fiancťe or it can be without him if itís after an argument. All these things are things Iíve never actually done. But the ones that I have acted upon are: After a colleague at work totally blanked me I felt this urgent need to tell my boss immediately. So the second I got home I sent her an email detailing what I thought of the colleague that annoyed me and also what everyone else though of her (which was actually true but not my place to say). This urge I had I also totally believed that I was doing a good thing by telling her, and when I found out that my boss had told everyone about the email I went ballistic. I was horrible to the person who told me, and deleted them all off my face book in a vain attempt to separate myself from them all. I sent the email 2 before left of the notice Iíd given as Iíd secured full time position with another company. As a result of this they all hate me, and Iíve also made things awkward for other friends whom both I know and some of the people I used to work with know. Another urge I acted upon was quitting jobs without finding other jobs first. All three times I did this it was in jobs I wasnít enjoying that werenít horrific I just didnít enjoy them, and all three times Iíd worked myself up so much that one day I broke down in tears and just couldnít make myself go to work, and then just never went back.
ē Food. I will go through phases of eating to much, then not eating enough. This isnít something I do on purpose; I only know I do it because my fiancť notices it. This also goes for drink. Like Iíll go through a phase where I have to be constantly drinking coffee, or tea or water. It also goes for wine. Iíll go through phases where I have to drink wine. Whether itís after work or on days off and my reason will always be because Iíve had a bad day or because of had a good day or just because itís my day off. Again this comes and goes. With all these food and drink phases Iíll have them for about 2 weeks and then they just sort of stop without me even knowing Iím doing it.
Things that have only happened once:
ē Suicidal thoughts. I went through a phase where I believed that everyone would be better off without me. In that time period I nearly gave myself alcoholic poisoning. I also drank disinfectant in the hope of making myself ill. I also tried to kill myself by over dosing on a range of pills. But I didnít actually take very many because my throat closed up and I physically couldnít take anymore. During this phase I also imagined being run over, or being on a bus thatís in a horrific accident or having some kind of accident at school. This phase lasted about 3 months when I was 15.
ē Eating Disorder. I was really unhappy when I was 15-19 and in that time period I made myself believe that if I was thin Iíd be happy. So I starved myself until I was very thin, then one day I decided I was thin enough and began to over eat. I couldnít stop myself from eating. I gained weight, and then gained more than my original weight that I was before anorexia. So I felt even worse and by then I couldnít stop eating so I decided to make myself sick, only I couldnít make myself sick so I took laxatives, and I drank vinegar and I also drank large quantities of alcohol hoping to make myself sick. This lasted about 5 months and the suicidal thoughts were during this phase. I actually realised I had a problem and told my dad who helped me by going to the doctors and getting referred to an eating disorder specialist.
That is pretty much it. I have no real friends because of all these things, Iím very lucky to have a fiancť who loves me despite all these things and I donít live near enough to my family for them to be effected because I moved away at 19 to have my own space and havenít moved back since. What I want is to stop all of this, I want to be able to learn what hobbies and past times Iíd actually like to do instead of trying to like things other people like to that they will like me for it, Iíd like to make friends and keep them without messing it up and actually being myself and Iíd like to enjoy my life because right now Iím struggling and itís tearing me apart. I donít know why I do any of the above, I can see what Iíve done after the fact and I mean a long time after the fact but I just canít seem to recognise that Iím doing it in the first place. Iím afraid of myself right now, Iím afraid that if I donít change it Iíll end up pushing everyone away and have nothing to show for my life but a lot of regrets and loneliness.