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Old 08-17-2008, 08:38 PM   #1
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Question Questioning Reality - Anyone Else Experience This?

I don't know if anyone else gets this way, but I do from time to time.

Sometimes my own hallusinations get to me. Sometimes life seems so sureal that I have to question it. I've always had what I call a constant sense of reality - where I try to pick apart everything and entertain the concept that everything around me is real so I need to not act stupid or rediculous - or at least entertain the ideal of what reality should be. This reflects even on my dreams and completely carries over... when I dream, in my dreams I do not react on weird happenings.
Sometimes when reality fogs over I question it to such an extent that I don't know what to believe. Reality seems dream-like, but I still treet it like reality regardless. But I question it... I question everything. I'll be smoking a cigarette questioning if I'm really smoking a cigarette... if I'm really here, really sitting on the porch, really drawing the smoke into my lungs, inhaling and exhaling.

I get extremely disconnected from reality... so much so that I feel completely out of my body. This is a very new experience for me - but recently my hallusinations have become more frequent and increasingly more realistic - at least to me. And I find myself questing things more.

I'm in a place of restrospect - analyzing past psychosis... past parinoia and all the things I once was convinced was completely real but now know are not... and somehow even that can become twisted in my brain to bring me to this other extreme of questioning. I've gone from believing everything to believing nothing. I don't trust my senses, any of them. I've started to get sensation hallusinations (touch) and it's completely thrown off my 'constant sense of reality'. I just don't know what's real anymore... thought I still entertain the ideal of what reality should be.
As it is I use the people around me as a buffer - paying close attention to how they act and what they say... to try and find where my reality begins and real reality ends... so I know what to believe... so I can figure out what's truly real and what's just in my head.


I don't think the people around me quite understand how drastically different my reality is - so much so that I take biographies and realistic-fiction as a stand-point of what reality truly should be.

I don't know if anyone else experiences this.... questioning even the truth of their own existance. I'm sure it sounds crazy, but I am a skeptic at heart.
I've gone to SA but I only went for about a month or so because I often didn't have the time to go to the meetings.... and I never got to ask them if they had this problem.
I understand there's several different types of schizophrenia but no psych has ever told me what category I belong in (though I do commonly categorize myself as a paranoid because most of my delusions are parinoid - so far as to think everyone's watching me and not trusting even my closest friends (that was about seven years ago).

I had an early onset - which truly hit in junior high... an extremely confusing time for me, honestly. I understand it comonly hits about the age I am now (I'm 20, turning 21)... which scares me a little because I think it is getting much worse with this huge disconnect I am having from reality.


I'm sorry, I think I'm actually kind of rambling right now... I just wanted to ask - which turned into a huge explination. But... yeah.
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Old 08-18-2008, 08:39 AM   #2
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Re: Questioning Reality - Anyone Else Experience This?

I think most people with schizophrenia have the problem of not being able to tell what's real and what's not. I have had this problem ever since I was diagnosed- sometimes I don't talk to people, because I don't know if they were the ones talking to me, or if it was my hallucinations. I always question what I see and hear.

As for you thinking that you don't exist, I used to think I was invisible. I think it was a defense mechanism- when people ignored me I just made the excuse that they couldn't see me. You're not alone in how you're feeling...many people with this illness feel the same way. Get a good doctor, work hard, and you will be better.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 08:31 PM   #3
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Re: Questioning Reality - Anyone Else Experience This?

When it happens, does it feel like your torso spine or entire body is dropping to the floor, visual hallucinations fill the sky and complete and total dissassociation from the world occur? I thought I was alone here and this was due to my usage of LSD or other heavy hallucinogens. This is the first time reading about something like this

What are your sensory hallucinations? Since medication I feel like I have to itch things off me constantly.. well really more about when i'm about to go to sleep. I wouldn't go so far as to call them bugs but this whole thing is still new to me, still trying to pin it down.

"I've gone from believing everything to believing nothing. I don't trust my senses, any of them."

I second guess myself when I hear something that I don't think is applicable to the situation, but it's just a passing thought and I've learned to trust my senses again. I hope you learn to do the same thing cause I know what you're going through sucks. Hope you feel better soon!

 
Old 08-19-2008, 09:24 PM   #4
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Re: Questioning Reality - Anyone Else Experience This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by wowzerz View Post
When it happens, does it feel like your torso spine or entire body is dropping to the floor, visual hallucinations fill the sky and complete and total dissassociation from the world occur? I thought I was alone here and this was due to my usage of LSD or other heavy hallucinogens. This is the first time reading about something like this

What are your sensory hallucinations? Since medication I feel like I have to itch things off me constantly.. well really more about when i'm about to go to sleep. I wouldn't go so far as to call them bugs but this whole thing is still new to me, still trying to pin it down.

"I've gone from believing everything to believing nothing. I don't trust my senses, any of them."

I second guess myself when I hear something that I don't think is applicable to the situation, but it's just a passing thought and I've learned to trust my senses again. I hope you learn to do the same thing cause I know what you're going through sucks. Hope you feel better soon!
I've only done LSD once and don't think I got a very pure batch so I don't think it's that (though I have done my fair share of mushrooms in the past -- most of what I experience with the audio and visual I had before I experimented with drugs). And I do get a feeling of falling, but that's my blood-pressure being really low.
My disociation I've had primarily since I was young, but it's never been this strong. Normally it's just that I'm bored and I'm waiting for something, now it happens all the time and goes from a state of complete disociation to complete clarity.... usually it's not too strong so I try to ignore it. I guess I could explain it as kinda a tunnel vision thing.... I feel like I'm being pulled out of reality, basically, and the whole world twitches, twistes, blurs, and breathes around me (if that makes sense). It's like.... a total Alice in Wonderland syndrom for me, kinda.... that's how I explain it to my friends.... everything just gets suddenly weird and it really trips me out when it hits really hard.

The sensory hallusinations are like someone brushing my skin or touching me. I guess you could explain it as bugs for the most part - at least the brushing part.... but it more tingles than itches. I'm not on any medication either.... but hopefully sometime in the next few months. I'm considering getting back on Risperdon.
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Old 08-19-2008, 10:24 PM   #5
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Re: Questioning Reality - Anyone Else Experience This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by soulconstance View Post
I feel like I'm being pulled out of reality, basically, and the whole world twitches, twistes, blurs, and breathes around me (if that makes sense)
wow yea that makes perfect sense, explains it better than when I tried in the previous post. Cool to see someone else has the same surreality (not really but you know what I mean)

All the best

 
Old 08-25-2008, 03:07 AM   #6
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Re: Questioning Reality - Anyone Else Experience This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by soulconstance View Post
I don't know if anyone else experiences this.... questioning even the truth of their own existance. I'm sure it sounds crazy, but I am a skeptic at heart
This is pretty much actually what i've been experiencing for the past few months I actually only realised i was schizophrenic about 4 months ago and have had it about 3 years, i received it from heavy marijuana smoking from such a young age. Every time i got stoned was a living hell but i was so addicted that i kept smoking it, it was eventually my effects and thoughts of being stoned that became apart of me when i was straight.

Anyway i started questioning life itself you know why are we here,how am i living the way i am now, why was the universe created, why are we in this society when we should be in nature like the animals we truly are, why should we experience death etc.It might not sound much but i analysed it all in my head theories of what could be and what not for a long time i nearly went mad. I might be with friends or playing a game and suddenly i think to myself which could be a long time its absolutely horrible, its when these thoughts come in i can't control them its like going into a deep sleep in my head.

I have since quit dope 3 months ago and have healed alot and i have even talked to people about my problem but i do still think about it and i KNOW i will beat it in time but the amount of pain i went through was incredibly unhealthy but thats enough for i may share some more later.

 
Old 08-30-2008, 01:58 PM   #7
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Re: Questioning Reality - Anyone Else Experience This?

Soul, you made a VERY good post... Everything you said, is really easy to understand... I'm not saying you have a similar perspective on the world... Its just; we can ALL; relate... Believe me. I appreciate your honesty about everything... It makes me happy seeing what you've written, and I know others do too. Thank YOU!

I hope you can figure things out Soul, the world is a cruel place, and I hope you can discover for yourself, that even though you may not believe reality is reality... So long as you are feeling good about yourself, the reality will change into a better reality; and for YOU...

I didn't read any posts after yours, just so you know, so if I repeat what others said I apologize in advance...

Personally, I can't say I've thought about the world to the extent that you have... I truly hope you figure something out... Just remember, theres no right way to handle any given situation/circumstance... There's endless possibilities in handling an issue... You just have to make that decision yourself... With the help from others, if you so choose.

Not saying I haven't thought about this stuff at all... I believe, truthfully, that the only way I could ever accept the way the world IS, and how the world works... "Is to accept that everyone thinks alike..." Every single human being has a heart, a soul... And everyone of those hearts has a mind as well... Our minds are easily corrupted by whatever its fed, and sadly; we CANNOT tell the difference between right and wrong truly; until someone tells us what is in fact; RIGHT and WRONG... For instance, when we are born, the first word we speak, is told to us... We hear it, mostly its DAD or MOM... Well thats because we don't have a concept of RIGHT/WRONG just yet... We haven't learnt enough to know what to say and what not to say... So we say all we can remember, and or; what we hear all the time... And its not our fault... Its our parent's fault... Then its their parent's fault... Everything gets passed on, and sadly, its not up to us what reality we want to believe in... Because humans have made one up over our races existance... And our new generations continually give-in, and accept all that there is in our societies/reality... We build it up, even stronger than it was before... EVEN if, and when; it affects people negatively... So long as it gives us an advantage in the world; "Who cares...?" RIGHT? (SARCASM) Of course not, its wrong, but everyone is guilty of it, and everyone continues to do it...


NOW... To make this sound simpler than I'm doing hahaha. (I'm not good at summarizing alot of details into one sentence, so unfortunately, you'll have to bare with my long writing skills ) I think that what your going through, is something we all go through throughout our lives... Atleast the part where you're questioning reality... I don't mean that everyone thinks about whether or not they truly exist, or if we're in the matrix, or whatever... I just think that at one point, people HAVE to ask a question for which; NO answer exists, but in our hearts...

I believe that most humans; having lived a nurtured life; stop questioning the unexplainable, because it doesn't bother them... It doesn't hold them back any, if they know they have everything they need to survive... They are in a place where they no longer need to think about life and death... Or in your case; existance... Truth... These fortunate people's, have enough money, to lead them through this reality as we know it... BUT, if we don't have enough money to live in this reality; we are forced against the wall... And then, and only then; will we have a question for the world... "Why?"

"I'm going to get deeper and deeper each time I say, "What I'm trying to say is," because that way its easier to follow what I'm trying to say..." HOPE IT HELPS!

What I'm trying to say, is that maybe, (And I'm guessing here) you've been forced against the wall... Whether that be for financial reasons, health reasons, mental illness reasons... Who knows... Everyones different, but everyone has issues, and we ALL at one point or another; question reality... We wonder if anything exists outside our world... Whether theres a God or not... Whether going to work and saving money truly is; what we SHOULD be doing...

What I'm trying to say, is that those people who are NOT affected by the way our world works... (People who have lots of money, ability to manipulate, good looks, etc) They don't really WANT to believe there's anything more than the reality we already live in... They are at the, "TOP," as we would regretfully call; having a GREAT job, lots of money, fame, glory, good looks, awesome personality, etc... (I SAY THAT SARCASTICALLY) I DO NOT; agree that this all amounts to anything, whatsoever... BUT; I had to realize this for myself...

What I'm trying to say, is that maybe, YOU are being affected by the world we live in, in a NEGATIVE way... Even though YOU may truly be; a POSITIVE person... You may be the most amazing person on the INSIDE, but sadly, whats on the OUTSIDE; (mental illness, and its negative affects on personality) is on the top of the priority list; of all those humans out there; blinded by all the superficial; crap; that they take for granted on a daily basis, without any remorse for whom they can, and or; do, screw over...

What I'm trying to say... IS that this world is unfair, in that its made up of ladders... These ladders are just as superficial as the people who built them, and the people who climbed them... And our minds are telling us to go for these ladders... To climb them as fast as possible, because we are, "Winners, Achievers..." We want the, "BEST," but our concept of BEST; comes from our minds... NOT; our hearts... And thats the trick... Finding out how to overcome your mind, so that you can allow your heart to lead you where you really, "WANT," to be... Where you, NEED; to be...

The interesting things is... When our hearts start talking to us... It really takes a toll on our minds... It confuses us to the point where we fear ever listening to our hearts again... We make a comfort zone for ourselves in the reality we live in... Usually its the amount of money we have in our bank account, it could be our bed... A chair... Some place where we can be ourselves no matter what situation comes along... But these, "comfort zones," aren't really beds, or money, or chairs... Its our minds, telling us that specific things are GOOD... That money should be GOOD, that beds should be GOOD, that chairs should be GOOD... Buts that all superficial crap... It doesn't amount to anything, but what our world makes it out to be...

What I'm trying to say, is that... We don't NEED money to be happy... We don't NEED comfortable getaways, or vacations, or nice clothes, good computers, good houses, TO BE HAPPY! Its all in our minds... But even though, "I," say this right now... As soon as I send this message to this forum... I'm going to go lay in my bed, or think about what good clothes I can buy... Which job to get so I can save lots of money... So I can LOOK good... Thats the sad thing... No matter how much we listen to our hearts, our minds always seem to take over, no matter what...

What I'm trying to say, is that in your case, maybe you WANT to believe; that there is another reality out there... Someplace where you CAN succeed, and feel better, no matter how much money you have, no matter how you think you feel, what mental illness you are diagnosed with, or how you look in a mirror... Where everyones equal... Maybe you've been affected by the world in such a negative way, yet you've tried and tried to do positive for it, and never got anything back from it... Not even self-respect because your mind battled your hearts message...

We ALL think alike, and what I mean by that, is that if you think there's another reality out there, others think that too... But is that because we're simply questioning whether anything is real or not? OR; is it because we dont WANT; to believe that what is real; is real...?

Thats my question for you... If you truly are feeling that nothings real... It COULD, and has been in the past, directly linked to psychosis/mental illness irrational thinking... BUT; what if this is a product of your mental illness; and the way the world treated you through its negative stigmatization? What if you feel the NEED; to escape this reality, because its so hard to live in? What if the reality as we all know it; is holding you back from being something you can/could; be...? To be, "ALL," you can be?

Would you be able to be all you can be, if you could simply find out which answer to this question lies in your heart, and not your mind? This is all that stood in my way... I'm hoping that this is making sense, and that its not seeming TOO far fetched, and I hope that no one deletes this thread, because sadly; this much thinking is a regular occurence for mentally-ill peoples... And all that I've typed is true, and it DOES pertain to your question...

The thing I want to make clear, is that I understand what you mean by saying, "No one knows just how different my perception on reality truly is..." I don't mean, that I know what you're saying... I mean; That I respect you enough to know, that no matter what I do, I will NEVER understand YOUR perception of reality... All I can do, is assure you, that there are others out there, feeling the same way... And instead of looking at this as a bad thing... Find someway to share it... With others, with someone you trust... I know what its like; when everything seems so unreal, and you question EVERYTHING... I know what you mean by saying, "I question EVERYTHING..." Because there's no limit to how far you can question... Everything we can possibly think about normally; is limited by all that our society knows; teaches us... But if you can learn something else, something new, and somehow share it, whether its true or not; it don't matter... Because odds are; someone is bound to love you for it! And it could save a life... Most definitely... And that my friend, is what I think mentally-ill people are truly on earth for... They see the world closer to the way it really is... No matter how true of false their beliefs... Something enables them to see things, "Differently," and that is how change is brought upon anything troubling... And kids who give up on their dreams; because the reality we live in keeps them back from doing and being all they can be... Those are the people we can help...

Now... I know this is alittle off the wall, but its truth, in all honesty... And no matter what anyone says, it won't bother me, this is all for Soul... And his Soul... Soul, I would LOVE to hear more about your situation... Please, get as DEEP as you want about anything and everything... This is where I'll definitely learn something from you, and hopefully you can learn something from me... One step closer to figuring out an issue that needs attention... And ramble on all you want ahaha, I'm sorry for my ramble...


Thanks,

 
Old 09-05-2008, 02:26 AM   #8
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Re: Questioning Reality - Anyone Else Experience This?

8800GTS: Gosh your reply made me smile. I understand exactly what your saying - and no worries about rambling... I'm normally prone to rather long posts. I have to agree, no one is ever truly alone with anything - I believe, honestly, that regardless what you're going through there's someone who's been there, is there, or is going to be there.... exactly where you are (not nessisarily in every detail.... but close enough to shock you). I've learned that time and time again, talking with people on support forums or chat rooms.
And I think I understand what you're saying with reality being too much and thus wanting to question it. I would be willing to say that for the most part that's why I question reality, but that's not all of it - because I can be having the best time of my life and I can still question all of reality. I think everything just got twisted for me somewhere along the way and I have problems separating things - inbetween all my mental 'issues' and truth I'm stuck and I get spun in circles.... sometimes so fast I don't know which side is which.

I joke that I have a list a mile long of mental disorders, though most of the time I only claim Schizo-Affective (that's my current diagnosis of the year, they keep switching between schizo-affective and schizophrenic) and Major Depressive... but I have been diagnosed with PTSD, ADD (when I was a child they considered me ADHD, now my depression makes me so tired I have no energy to be hyper-active though I think the 'ADD' is linked to the depression) and a disociative disorder offically (I don't know if they put it down as a none-specific disociative disorder or if they actually called it DID, though that's commently what I categorize it as)... and I also claim myself with a slight social anxiety and OCD. Most people seem to think I have a lot on my plate, but for the most part I like to think I cope well. Sometimes it just gets to me.... and when it does it gets to me really strong and I get some weird panic attacks where I just want to disapear into dust rather than be seen by anyone. --- Like when people stare because I've just said something stupid to a person that's obviously not there..... or when my words get so mixed that I can't even understand what I'm saying and everyone's giving me looks like I have three heads.

Do I wish this wasn't real? Ya know, a lot of things... I'd have to say yes. I wish my head wasn't screwed up and I wish some people would just drop off the face of the earth or that certain things hadn't happened to certain people - but I have to admit that I have a lot to be grateful for.... and I try to remind myself of that. I have great friends who are so supportive and have been with me through some of the roughest times in my life.... and I couldn't live without them. I suppose.... sometimes I wish I could let the whole would see through the eyes of someone with the disorders that so many people live with - just so we could erase the stigma of it all. Because DAMNIT I'm so tired of people telling me I'm loony, crazy, or weird. I've always strived to be normal and it's the one thing I don't think I'll ever be able to achieve. Most of the meds don't work, and the ones that do have such bad side-affects.... life's a catch-22.... and people treet you just like trash just because you don't fit into the box.


But I'd have to say, before I ramble too far - trying to touch on some points you did. I question more the explainable than the unexplainable, honestly. Thoughts of conspiracies and everything being laced with lies runs through my head daily so even when I believe reality I question the truth within people's words or what most of the world believes to be true. I question things I can hear and see and feel more often then I question the existance of a creator or if that voice calling my name is a voice of someone really there or some shadowy figure that's going to disapear as soon as I turn away from it. In fact, sometimes what is not concrete seems more so - like I believe in a creator.... with my whole self I believe something can't come from apsolutely nothing so something had to start all this (and I don't try to comprehend infinity (instant brain sore) so I don't even try to conceive where said creator would have come from.... I consider that just too beyond me).
And it makes me laugh that you bring Matrix because I suppose that's about as close to how I think as anything. I sometimes feel like this is all a dream.... and I'm just waiting for my body to lift and start flying through the air. Sometimes I disapear from reality (happens very rarely, note) and I swear I am flying(or sinking, or dying, or... something).... but I come back and I know it's just a really strong day-dream of sorts and I need to stay here, in reality.... so I just let it go.


I guess, for me, what makes it really hard is that I have a group of people that believe the psyches and think my brain's just messed up and then I have a group of people that believe I'm just connected to something that most people aren't (some kind of awareness of spirits, super-natural creatures, energy, and magick). And just like my reality and other's I get caught inbetween that.... and it makes it even more confusing not knowing which side to pick.
Because sometimes I see some things that scare the ever-living heck out of me and I'd just rather it be a hallusination..... but I'm not all too fond of my head being completely messed-up either.

Well, see, now you've got me rambling.

But I'd like to thank ya kindly for your post... it did make me smile and I really needed that today.
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Old 12-20-2010, 04:02 PM   #9
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Re: Questioning Reality - Anyone Else Experience This?

I have questioned reality every day of my life since I was 14 years old... Most days I am so detached from reality that functioning seems almost impossible, because I don't know whats real and whats not. I hear outside voices that never go away, they are negative and mean. I question myself why am I here? what purpose do I have to be here? Watching television has become a task, because the way I view it is that the show is trying to get something across to me or trying to tell me something. For example when I am watching the weather I think there is something I have to do about the weather because its going to harm me. Sometimes I think that someone on a show is me or that they are aiming what they say at me. I got to the point where I started duck-taping my screen so all I could do was hear it and not see it. I struggled through high school, because I was a total insomnia because every time I closed my eyes I would hear these voices telling me that I was worthless, stupid, dumb, that I was already dead and that I should just pick up a gun and shoot myself, because it wouldn't matter because god had already hated me, so I was to the point I gave up on trying to rest and until this day I still struggle with it. At times I hear the calling from a priest, or from the devil, I always feel at constant battle and that someone or the government is plotting against me or has some kind of plan to get rid of me. I feel like there is some type of chip in my head that controls what I do, where I go etc. In public I always have the fear that someone is watching me or going to do something to me. I have become afraid of eating because I think people are poisoning my food for example I was in a local restaurant that I eat at and I ordered a slice of pizza, voices told me the pizza was poisoned so I shoved it on the floor because it didn't appear to me how it appeared to everyone around me. So you are definitely not alone in this matter.

 
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