I really dont know whats wrong with me. I'm seventeen, and I've been in and out of mental hospitals and nothing has helped. I'm, starting to feel hopeless. I'm always worried that people are out to get me, that they are going to hurt me, that they're laughing at me and judging me. I can't even go out in public. I hear voices and they tell me what the people are thinking, and it's usually bad. Depending on what the voices say, will depend on how my day will be. Sometimes they tell me they love me, and the days okay. But then sometimes they are mean. They tell me I should just kill myself. That nothings ever going to get better. They tell me I'm pathetic and all sorts of things. It makes me so depressed. Sometimes when they tell me to cut I have to do it. Or scratch myself, pull out my hair. I can never stay still.
My moods always changing, in the split of a second. I'll be so happy, and the next minute, I just want to die, and the next im so mad. It's weird. I think about hurting people to. I can control it though. Instead I'll get so angry, I'll break everything, I'll scream, I'll trash the room. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like its me in my body. Its someone else. I act different, with different people. I get headaches all the time, my mind is racing and it never stops, to the point where I cant sleep. The voices are begginning to get more common. They show me how to manipulate people, they like when I hurt people emotionally. Especially my bf. I hate doing this to him. I cant control it! I've been diagnosed with PTSD, and depression but this is more then that. I have schizophrenic tendencies, or something of that sort? I am on no medication. I'm turning 18 soon, I have no insurance, I can't do things on my own, so I don't even know where to get help for this? The only thing that ever helped me were the hospitals. But I dont want to end up there again, I just cant deal with all this anymore. I hate it so much. I cant talk to my parents about it, they dont get it. And like I said Im almost 18.
Is a mental hospital my only choice? The only way I can get in there is for an attempt, I cant just go and check in. This is all so complicated. Sorry I dont make sense. I just have a feeling that Im going to hit rock bottom soon. I dont want to hurt anyone. I dont want to be like this.