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Old 01-28-2010, 08:19 AM   #1
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No meds- Dream lands, black holes, anger, mania, racing thoughts, voices

Hello everyone, I am a 21 yr old female. I was diagnoses with schizophrenia several years ago. I was hospitalized about 35 times, twice long-term state insitution. I hate medications, they make me feel like a zombie and I am against psychiatry and "Big Pharma". I want to explain some very bizarre ezperiences to you guys and see if you can relate, so I know I'm not alone (please do NOT tell me to take meds, I refuse)

I very often go into states of what I call "space travel". I feel like Earth is no longer Earth, everything looks differnet and alien, I feel detached and dream-like. This can be very fun or very scary, depending on how I deal with it.

I have been under a lot of stress lately (health probs, college, my friend died) and last night I lost it. I felt panic, racing thoughts, my face was hot. Then I felt like I fell into a "black hole". I had no idenity, everything was black and I was laying in a fetal position with my eyes closed but I had no sense of where I was or what was going on- only blackness. I was maing moaning noises to try to bring myself back to life, but it took a long time. Finaly I sat up with my hands over my face and tried to bring myself back to reality. My fiance was with me, he was trying to talk to me but I couldnt speak. Finaly, I could speak but I had no sense of idenity. I was egoless. I had all my memories but did not relate them to myself. I was selfless. It took an hour or so for me to "come back' into my indentity and this world.

I somtimes hear what I call a "thought-voice". This voiceis different that the autitory voices I have heard rarely. This voice is a thought, but NOT my thought. He is a totally seperate entity and I do NOT control what he says. He is VERY annoying, his whole purpose is to repeat nonsensical words and phrases and then harrass me. I cant stand it! When I say something outloud, sometimes he repeats it over and over and wont shut up.

I get frustrated very easily and fotget words. I cannot express my thoughts in language sometimes and it frustrates me very badly. I my brain will not allow me to remember the words to express myself. And my short-term memory is very bad.

I go through "tests". An example of a test is- I need to run from the living room, into my bedroom, and jump into my bed in a 10 seconds OR something BAD will happen. I have had these test my WHOLE LIFE.

I go into extreme states of mania that are amazing and very beautiful. I see colors and everything is intense and I feel soooo estatic and happy. I love this!

Sometimes one thing will lead to another. Example- Thought-Voice...hmm..T..V..T.V..Thought-Voice comes from the T.V! Does that makes sense?

There are A LOT of other things I go through too. I get very paranoid about people reading my thoughts, or trying to kill me. I have a lot of stories to tell lol.

I feel socially retarded because I spent my entire teenage years in hospitals or doing drugs on the streets. I didnt have a "normal" life and I am very anti-government and I am very much into spirituality, altering our minds, allowing ourselves to be FREE and fighting against psychiatric INJUSTICE.

Anyone relate?

 
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Old 02-01-2010, 08:06 PM   #2
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Re: No meds- Dream lands, black holes, anger, mania, racing thoughts, voices

The issue with meds is complex and so is schizophrenia. There are many options and every person is different.

Some of us prefer our schizophrenic experience over that of medication. The side effect of severe akisthesia, for example, I might prefer death over having to live with that. If it were forced on me, my life would be no different than being tortured in a prison camp somewhere.

There have been times in my life when I was grateful for medication as well.

I think it important not to lump everyone together, and also to respect the right of a person to choose what works best for them. For many of us, medication is the best option. At present, I am on several myself. But I still support a person's right to choose and never would support having anything forced on them. That is wrong and I have suffered greatly when other people have not respected my rights as a human being.

 
Old 02-02-2010, 03:35 PM   #3
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Re: No meds- Dream lands, black holes, anger, mania, racing thoughts, voices

I'm a schizophrenic and I have learned to battle my inappropriate beliefs.
Just remember: you need proof for something to be true!!! I still hallucinate, but I understand they're not coming from anything but my mind.
Your mind is wild, probably more wild then mine, and I think you should learn to analyze your mind instead of "watching" it. I think meditation would help. Not any kind of meditation, like reflecting on your life. I think you need to put YOURSELF first, and your BODY first, not worry about all the problems of society and stuff.
I think you should let go of your inappropriate beliefs. You made them up when you were a child, probably because you didn't understand the world as much. Just give them up, and open your eyes - not wanting to see is the worst blindness. A leap of faith wouldn't hurt.

Last edited by Memo213; 02-02-2010 at 03:41 PM.

 
Old 02-08-2010, 11:18 AM   #4
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Re: No meds- Dream lands, black holes, anger, mania, racing thoughts, voices

Hi! Wow...I can relate to you you alot. Everything in fact. I just wanted to say you
are not alone. I feel so strange at times when I don't take my medicine. I currently am on a few stuff. I don't want to take it but my family and boyfriend are pretty much making me take it. You're right .. it can be fun but at the same time it can be really scary.
I just wanted to send a quick message to you to tell you that I understand.

 
Old 02-11-2010, 09:21 AM   #5
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Re: No meds- Dream lands, black holes, anger, mania, racing thoughts, voices

Quote:
Originally Posted by mes219 View Post
Hi! Wow...I can relate to you you alot. Everything in fact. I just wanted to say you
are not alone. I feel so strange at times when I don't take my medicine. I currently am on a few stuff. I don't want to take it but my family and boyfriend are pretty much making me take it. You're right .. it can be fun but at the same time it can be really scary.
I just wanted to send a quick message to you to tell you that I understand.
thank you. i really just wanted to know if i was the only person who ever felt this way. thank you for letting me know im not. it means a lot to know someone out there understands me because i feel so misunderstood. my experiences are different than the average person, my reality is different, but why does that mean that my reality isnt the truth? no one has "the" truth, we only have our own truth. no one sees the world in exactly the same way, therefore when we die "our" world dies but "the" world goes on without us. we filter "the" world through our minds, and everyone sees things differently- i just see things very differently. i do not want medicine because i dont believe im sick. i believe that i suffer, yes i do. but im not sick, no more than anyone else in this world. all i need is someone to understand me, or at least accept me for who i am. why is it that when someone like me expresses their veiw of the world, people say that i have an illness instead of rexcongizing that EVERYONE sees things different. i just want someone to appericate my point of veiw, as i appericate theirs. my world, my existence in this world is radically differnt than most- but it doesnt make me sick or ill...it makes me who i am...and although I get so tired of the depression and panic attacks...its all i know..and its WHO I AM

 
Old 02-12-2010, 07:46 AM   #6
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mes219 HB User
Re: No meds- Dream lands, black holes, anger, mania, racing thoughts, voices

Hi again! I'm glad to read your response! I thought I was the only one to who had these same ideas. Reaching out is scary and both good. You never know who you'll meet in this world if you don't. I'd like to talk to you personally in a instant messaging place or atleast send emails back and forth. As you seem like a very deep thinker as I. It's hard to find people as open as you!
I would like to know more about what you go through...your stories..and share mine with you. I am struggling with the thoughts of being a zobbie on these meds and trying to find a way to slowly get off of them. As the side affects are horrible if you suddenly stop taking them. I feel disconected alot with reality. I feel as if I have no idea what the world is around me. Like I don't even exsist. Like my thoughts are taken away by another force and I go blank.......for however long. My boyfriend is very supportive though. He helps me stay in the "world's reality".

I'd like to know your story. And I will try to tell you mine. Let me know IF you feel comfortable with talking more in a personal way on the emails or instant messager. I have skype and gmail....but do not know how to send you a personal message on this site itself. Hope you are having a nice day!
Hope to hear from you soon!

 
Old 02-26-2010, 08:56 AM   #7
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mes219 HB User
Re: No meds- Dream lands, black holes, anger, mania, racing thoughts, voices

I hope I didn't scare you away! I didn't mean to sound to personal. Hope your doing well and everything.

 
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