Hi. Maybe I can describe some of the things I've been through and it may help you know if you have the problem.
One of my stories is when I derealized at my pdoc's office. I walk into the hallway that led to his office and everything looked warped to me. The walls looked real thick and had rounded corners and they were buldging. An office worker at the end of the hall looked much closer to me than she actully was. I said out loud "Is this the same place"? That's when my pdoc realized I had these dissociative disorders.
It's hard to write about this stuff and have it make sence. Hopefully it did. My experiences of depersonalization are when I hallucinate the worse. I'll write about that too. It's very scarey because afterwards I don't know what's real and what's not. At the time I think what I'm seeing is real but then if I should happen to talk to my husband about it, he says the whole experience didn't go down the way I saw it. I'll explain some of it in another post for the sake of not making this too long. It scares the h**l out of me. Depersonalization is much worse to me than derealization.
I meant to say derealization instead of dissociation in my last sentence. Dissociation is the category in which all these disorders are classified under. (The most severe identity disorder used to be called mutiple personality and is under this classfication. -- I hope I didnt insult anyone because I didnt know the new name for it. I know the initials are DID)
Anyway, my understanding is derealization is when things look unreal like what we were talking about and depersonalization is beyond my description even though I've experienced it a few times, if not more since I don't always know if it's really happening. For me I kind of step back from my body and watch myself experienceing something traumatic. It's not any of that 'out of body experience'-type stuff people confuse with the Eastern religions. Even my therapist calls it that and I just think its misleading.
I started reading the book "The Stranger in the Mirror" which is about these disorders. It's incrediably informative.
I would be interested in hearing about any of your experiences if you're up for it.
I thought I'd talked about one of my depersonalization experiences since I said I would. The subject matter isn't too great, but here goes:
I had a very sick 16 year old cat that I had to put down. When the vet gave her the shot it seemed like it was taking forever to put her down and in my mind she was screaming. Also it looked like he had her hooked up to an IV because there was a tube coming somewhere from the ceiling. I was freaking out because I thought the medicine was burning her and was pleading with my vet, with my eyes, to stop. I was standing with her with my hand resting on her but in my mind I was standing against a back wall looking on.
Later I mentioned to my husband this experience and he told me she went down quitely and quickly. I got mad and told him I was there and I knew what I saw. After some time I realized he was right and it was just me. Anyway, it was a very traumatic situation and I believe that's what brought the dp on.
I also had dp at a gospel concert and much of the time I was standing behind myself looking at myself and the crowd. At one point I was on stage with the main guy, Bill Gaither. I thought my psychiatrist was seated a few rows behind me and he was explaining to the crowd (telepathicly, sort of, but not really ??) what was wrong with me (since they knew something was screwy) and what I was doing. There was sooo much that went on in those 4 hours I couldn't begin to explain it all. Anyway, I wish I could go into more detail. I'm going to see if I can get a topic started on dissoiative disorders if I can figure out how to contact the moderators.
I don't know the proper term for the condition you are describing but with myself it's like I'm standing to the side watching myself. I mostly have this with my anger outbursts but it sometimes happens when nothing special is going on. I've wondered about multiple personalities or is it just part of the condition. I don't have any of the other symptoms you describe, but the one I do have appears to be happening more often. When it does happen it leaves me with a strange feeling. Is someone else in my head with me? I don't know. Not really sure what is real anymore or if it even matters. Sometimes I just wish I would drop dead and be done with it
Hi everyone, I am new to this board. I thank God I found this site because I am so terrified all the time that I think I am going to drop dead or have a heart attack or something. I know the feeling you described, oh to well. Sometimes I will be sitting and this feeling comes over me like I am in a dream...like im not even there, that I cant even feel myself when I touch my hand. Im 29 with no known history of mental health issues yet I have been suffereing from anxiety for a year now and this past year has been a living hell. As I type this I am crying because I am so relieved that others feel and go through the same thing as me. Im not going to take away from your post because this is your moment and your questions, but yes I know the feeling. As I said its like I am in a dream but I am fully awake and fully aware of whats going on. When I get those feelings I pray and read my bible, that helps alot.
You're not taking away from my post, you're adding to it which is the purpose of this board. You're feedback is greatly appreciated. Hang in there and keep writing. I hope you're seeing a doctor. Anxiety and trauma brings this stuff out in me.