help me please
Hi, I’m male, 17 and 140lbs. I’m not sure how to start, but I think I may be more than a bit paranoid. I thought myself to have a schizoid personality disorder, more specifically, schizotypal, but I’ve come to recognize voices and whispers I hear in my head.
At first I was just slightly paranoid with agoraphobic tendancies. Then came the auditory halucinations. Nothing unmanagable, though, as I felt I was still in touch with reality to an reasonable extent. These were then followed by the occasional visual one. During the visual ones, I would feel like I was floating, but as time progressed I would slowly leave my body entirely. I feel like I submerge myself inside my brain, listening to everything inside from the sidelines. During these situations, I find myself living an extremely unlikely version of a situation, typically a worse one. I have not always been an introvert, but I’ve allowed myself to become one through the recent collapse of my identity. I damaged and lost many friendships, only furthering my failing spiral. I don't let myself trust anyone, not even people I have known for years, nor the people on the street especially when they walk behind me. I always feel the need to check where I have come from at every corner, and I always brace my key between my fingers - sharp end out (just as a safety precaution). Sometimes no one's even there. I am always living in fear of the intentions of my surroundings.
During this time, I came recognize the voice interpreting my thoughts. My guess as to why I noticed it is because my thoughts were too fast for me to keep up with so I couldn’t concentrate, causing my thoughts to generalize into a singular voice. Everytime I thought about something, I would never get the chance to think about it until after this voice had its fill. The voice sounds like me, but I can’t take control. Afterwards came a second voice, the one that often whispers to the other voice and I, creating a very real dialogue I hear with my ears. Sometimes I hear a bunch of people, and just like a conversation with people outside my mind, I never really know what they're going to say, which I have a hard time grasping because it's supposed to be all happening within me. I feel like my mind cycles between instances of being split into different channels of voice, one of which contains myself, and their occasional convergance into one, to which I still don’t entirely feel the ability to identify myself. I constantly feel my mind is being invaded and read by others, so I can’t stand to be around anyone for too long, and I often feel I am hearing the thoughts of others. Sometimes I find myself able to control the actions of others by simply tuning into their unconscious. This idea really scares me for my sake.
My only means of escape lies in my art or when I listen to music, so I try to bring some everywhere I go, but this is not always an option, especially now that my mp3player is broken. When I am alone, I actively take part in the conversations existing in me and, then too, I find a form of security, although it appears to be cheaper than the 'outer reality'. I think that because it happens in waves I’ve come to be able to distance myself from the others. I’ve become an insomniac because I can’t sleep with this incessant chirping and screaming harassing me day and night. Sometimes it’s so loud I feel like everyone hears it - and it shows. My agoraphobia has become so bad that I rarely leave my house, or even the room I’m in. I feel like I’m trapped inside of myself and nothing can escape save the monotonous interpretation of all of inside my mind. I find it hard even to fake emotion to others, except on occasion where my outward expression is overwhelming. I feel as though I’ve tapped into a state of consciousness that goes farther than I would hope it to. I feel like I’m stuck in a timeless place between the mass in my head and reality.
I want to make changes in my life to be able to overcome my condition. I’ve started going to psychotherapy, but I couldn’t take how phony she was; she tried to earn my trust by composing herself to be an idealistic version of me that I should instinctively trust and respect. I kept catching onto her little unconscious nuances designed to resonate with something within myself to try to reveal my thought process in further detail - I respect her for her abilities to understand people so much so that she is able to create something unreal in order to simulate a response in me, but not for anything more. I realize this sounds paranoid, and it is, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. I’m not sure what I should do anymore. I just need snap back into place. So I've chosen to come here: the faceless chasm that is the internet. I'm very confused about all of this so any suggestions as to how to improve my situation are much appreciated, please help
Last edited by nonam; 08-29-2010 at 03:29 AM.