I can't leave the house alone, I become crippled with fear and anxiety about being persecuted against or laughed at
The only time I can leave the house is with my mother
When I go outside with my mother, my anxiety goes away but then I am so depressed/reclusive/numb, she literally has to navigate me outiside, and I often forget the reason why I even left the house to begin with..
I have no pleasure anything, music, funny videos, favourite t.v shows.. nothing anymore
I don't care about my appearance either, don't even wash my face. I've been neglecting my hygiene..
I have no appetite, I can't eat any of my favourite foods anymore, I have to force the food down and it takes so much energy
AllI do I log on the net and look at other peoples problems
I can barely sleep
I have been having thoughts of suicide, I just need to figure out how I can pull it off withought doing the least inconvenience to my mother..
I cannot concentrate on one task at a time, and when I try to I just zone out..
I cannot tell any of the people I still associate myself with because I do not want to push them away with the severity of my problems
I can't turn to my mother she has too many problems of her own..
I can't even have a normal conversation with someone on the phone, my anxiety/depression/w.e is just so severe that I end up going through a million subjects in 10 minutes and will lie just to show that I do have SOMEWHAT of a life..
My mood has been varying from this repetitive cycle of numb, mortified, content, anxious, scared...
I can't even book an appointment properly because I forget to ask the name, address, w,e vital info of the doctor..
Don't know what to tell you. You might not have schizophrenia. You might be more depressed, and the word they use is, neurotic. That's basically "paranoid" in other words. But you're probably not paranoid in the sense that schizophrenics sometimes are. I get the sense that you're more unsure about yourself. You don't really feel confident? I know what it's like to feel persecuted or judged. I used to have a really severe problem with my nose. I thought I was the ugliest person in my high school. I don't think I was. It just didn't matter, because every time I looked at my nose I felt worthless; unacceptable. I think my problems had a lot to do with my sexuality. I just wasn't comfortable with girls and the idea of dating. This was probably a result of never having a father, and never having an example to look up to. So, I don't know exactly what kind of neurotic feelings I developed towards my mother, but in the end I spent about six years in adolescence just hating the way I looked. And I was paranoid. I knew I had no reason to think that people were judging me, but it didn't matter. I felt horrible ALL the time. But I had friends and I was basically popular. No one expressed hate towards me. I was a good person, I guess. Anyway. My advice to you is just stick out this period of time as best as you can. You'll find support. You'll get out of this stage. None of these feelings last forever. You can believe me on that one. I've had some pretty negative feelings that have lasted years. I never thought they'd have gone away, but they did. Just try not to think about death. Really. Just push that thought away and force yourself to get back into the things that are normal for you at your age and this stage of your life. You don't feel like anyone else, and you know that no one can understand what you're going through. It's hard to believe that these feelings will go away, but the truth is most things go away eventually -the good and the bad. It's a stage and you will grow out of it. So stay strong, stay positive. The thing you probably won't fully understand, is that far away various things are happening that will directly make you a very happy person in the future. When they come together years down the road you'll realize that despite all the seriously messed up **** you had to go through, there was a point. Really. There's a point to all the **** we go through. Luck is on your side. So just....anyway. Hope you're feeling better today than you were the day before.
Hey hatha. Thanks for your reply. Actually, I am feeling a lot better but, I'm still experiencing the same symptoms when I go outside though. I'm slowly trying to bring myself to leave the house by myself, despite these feelings.
It's good to hear you're feeling better. I'm sorry you can't seem to get these feelings to leave when you go outside.
You know, I was wondering...when I was very delusional, I used to hear my friends speaking to me inside my head. There was actually one person specifically, who had a hard time dealing with "listening" to me, as I thought was the case. It turned out later, to my relief, that my friends had not in fact been hearing me in their heads, like I'd thought. For example, I would ask my best friend, after most of the delusions were gone, if he'd heard me, and he'd always say “no”. And I would ask if he would tell me the truth even if it was too bizarre, and he'd sort of look at me and just say, "No, I honestly haven't been hearing you in my head."
So, the thing was, as it turned out, this one specific person who'd been having a lot of troubles with me, in my head (as I thought was the case) -HAD actually been hearing me. And I found this out a year later, after all the delusions had died down when we met, coincidentally, at my friend’s birthday party. He admitted that he was angry and crazy, hearing my voice in his head, to the point where he needed to be hospitalized. We only talked about it a bit, but it validated a lot of the things only I could believe, that other people would discount, or just call “insane.”
So when I read about how terrible you were feeling, I got to wondering if I could “reach out”, I guess you could say, and help you in some way. I should probably just ask if you’ve been hearing strange things or going through things you wouldn’t expect in the last few weeks. Normally (these days anyhow), I don’t hear voices about eighty percent of the time. But in the last couple of weeks I was hearing the voice of a few people I know. And I was wondering why I couldn’t solve the problem in the same way that I’d used to solve it. It seemed like there was some other person involved. So anyhow, I shouldn’t go any into the details, as I might just be writing about my own delusions.
This is why, in any case, I was just wondering what you thought about any of that. Feel free to totally tell me I’m out of my mind. It wouldn’t be the first time I was completely mistaken about my own feelings towards psychic experiences. And without creeping you out in anyway, I’ll just leave it at that. Feel free to reply however you wish.
It’s good to hear you’re feeling a bit better in any case. The lower chakras are key to feelings of self-worth and feelings of security and confidence. You would benefit a lot, I think, from learning a bit more about chakras, if you already don’t know very much. I can tell you what I know about them if you’re interested.
However, I’ll apologize in advance if this reply has been disturbing in anyway. I just need to hear sometimes whether I’m going crazy or if I’m actually making a “connection” I guess you would call it. A simple reply of, “no. sorry it wasn’t like that,” would be fine. I am after all crazy, in the clinical sense of the word.