Overdrive

The first time I saw the shadow being (1998), I was a leader in my university, about to go to sleep, when I sensed another being in my room. I became paranoid, and looked towards my door, when I saw the being. I leaped into bed, and, within moments, I felt a sensation pushing me down. The more I struggled to get up, the more the being pushed down. Then I stopped breathing (or so I think) for a minute or so.
Since then, I felt increasingly that I was being watched or followed. I believed that people around me were a threat, and that I was always being judged. In 2000, I went into a severe depression (suicidal). This was caused in part by the fact that the shadows had become permanent (I experienced mine as a single being, covered with a dark cloak and piercing eyes). Unlike 1998, though, I started to hear this being speak to me (but never loud, always softly). I was only certain that I was hearing voices when I came out of a stupor to find a breadknife in my hand, and my wrists bleeding - I was acting on what the voice was telling me to do. This freaked me out, of course!

(I do recall that in 2001 my wife (then a girlfriend) would tell me I was doing several wierd things, of which I have no recollection - such as mumbling, scribbling strange words and drawing pictures that had no real meaning to her at least). I would go to certain places and feel icy cold, when in fact it was a hot day. In one incident I sat in a church and believed that the cleaners were not really cleaning the church, but in fact were watching me. I stormed out in anger at what I perceived to be their impetuosity.

In 2001, the voices subsided, and I stopped seeing that particular being. However, I remained suspicious of most people, and felt I was being judged and condemned (this has to do with major negative incidents that occurred at that time). I was, and am still not, on medication, even though I have recently been prescribed seroquel.

The situation remained the same for most of 2002. Mid 2002 I got married, and at the end of the year, I became severely depressed again. I went to see a psychologist, who advised me to see a psychiatrist who, after a few sessions, prescribed seroquel (which is an antipschotic normally used to treat sz, but can be used to treat BP). She never told me her official diagnosis, although she hinted that she thought I wasn't sz, but merely a manic depressive.

I tried explaining what happened in 1998 and 2000 to my Mom, but she was utterly dismissive, telling me not to talk crazy - that it was just depression. But the thing is, I know what I saw and heard! I am in no doubt about it. It is very real for me. I am concerned that, if it was sz in 1998 and 2000, what if I have a relapse? It is now 5 months after I last saw my psych, and I haven't used the prescription. The symptoms are becoming worse now - almost suddenly? I am as depressed as I was in 2000, and I am suspicious of everyone. I am often angry, and no longer know who I am. I am petrified of my future, and, although I still have the prescription slip, I am afraid of rejection, and what others will think if I'm on such medication (especially my Mom, who relies on me - she's also depressed). But I have a constant LOUD humming noise always in my mind, have begun staring catatonically for hours at a time, and keep looking over my back, expecting to be harmed. I'm not really seeing images at the moment, but have thought that the lampshade had become a human being (although I realised after a while it was what it is!). Any suggestions? And advice on the seroquel? (I'm afraid of side effects too)