My story the past month - I am confused, frightened. - Schizophrenia Message Board

Overdrive · 05-16-2003, 03:26 PM

Hi all. I find this all quite intriguing. As you will have seen from my other posts, I was prescribed seroquel, but never took it (that was 5 months ago). I have been depressed since then, and certainly have remained suspicious of others (I just can't trust people) for years, but sheesh - in the past 2 weeks, people I have never seen before are coming into my room and doing pretty wierd stuff, and the voices are getting more regular. I have seen what I came to realise was my lampshade becoming human (long blond hair, strong powerful shoulders and red eyes). It smiled at me, and tilted its head both to the side and forwards - even smiled at me! Yesterday was the strangest day I've had since 2000 (when I was depressed, but never diagmosed with anything - I saw shadows all the time, and voices spoke to me 24/7, one time ordering me to slit my wrists - but my shrink didn't do anything except remain silent when I told him what was happening to me. I only saw the shrink because my girlfriend asked me to. But what I saw was real!). Anyways, back to yesterday ... I woke up, and the first thing I saw was a young girl (aged 13-16) wearing a blue knee-length dress and brown sandals, with short brown hear, flying above my bed. At first I though how wierd! But then I relaxed, and smiled at her. She smiled back at me. I though she was cute. I said 'hallo', and she said 'hi' right back. After a while, I got up (my wife was still asleep), and went to the kitchen for breakfast. She moved her head towards me, and smiled broadly. I became a bit uncomfortable, thinking this is too strange, so I began to try to focus on eating my food as vigorously as I could. When I looked up a while later, she had left the building.

In my office that evening, I heard a clear voice insulting me. I told him to 'shut up', and he told me 'why should I? I give the orders around here, and I'm in charge. You bloody fool!' I asked the voice, if it was real, to show me what he looks like. Immediately, I saw in front of me a middle-aged man dressed in military uniform, with a moustache, posing as if for a photograph for me. I said 'so what do you want with me.' And he said 'wait and you will see.' Other voices are also always insulting me, making me feel worhtless and angry. Driving home, there was a song on the radio, and I am sure that the lady singing was singing to me - she said 'I love you', and I said 'I love you too', then she said 'I'm going home', and I said 'Really? Do you live with me?' I know that the girl was speaking to me, but how do I tell anyone that? No-one is going to take me seriously. This evening I was singing while making supper when another voice interjected, and then another, and then there was a whole cacophany of singing voices in my head, in perfect harmony. We were dancing round the room for - I don't know how long, I'm not really conscious of time anymore. Anyway, I enjoyed it so much. But then I felt sad, but I can never cry. I don't know how to anymore? I feel emotionally blunted, dead really. As if I'm not really here. I don't want to feel this way, and the more this happens, the more confused and frightened I become. I can't tell people what I'm feeling. I told my wife and my Mom (who has the ability to draw out anything from me). I trust them. But I'm suspicious of most other people. If someone looks at me in town, I look the other way. If our eyes meet they will know what I am thinking, and that could be dangerous. My wife said something to me yesterday, and I told her that that was WOW, she read my mind. Freaked me out! Gotta find a way to keep my thoughts to myself somehow. Of course this is different - via internet - 'cos you can't see my eyes. That is the key to my soul. The eyes ...

I'm 24 years old and a university graduate completing a Masters this year. But my work is not going well lately - I just can't concentrate. I'm a runner, but don't feel motivated. I sleep as much as I can, because I feel threatened by life and other people. I know what I know, and this is all so real to me. And even though these people don't frighten me, and the voices, although cruel, are not always cruel, and so I'm not frightened. But I am confused. It's real to me, but my wife seems worried about me. So I guess there is a problem. But I don't know what to do. I just want to be happy, and for everyone to stop staring at me.

arebe · 05-16-2003, 07:36 PM

What a story! If I were you I would get the prescription filled for the seroquel and take it for a while and see what happens. You might find that it will help eliminate these hallucinations you're having. It won't work overnight either, it will take some time, possibly months. Atleast you realize that these are hallucinations and you realize that something is wrong, and that's the first step. Most people with schizophrenia don't realize that anything is wrong, but you do, and I see that as a good sign. Does your wife think that you should try the medication?

Karla · 05-17-2003, 06:38 AM

Wow! What an experience. You definetly need to start taking your meds. I would not be suprised if you didn't also need to be taking an antiphycotic. Please take your medicine and see what happens. Then if you are still hearing voices go back to your dr. and tell him/her what is going on. Don't stop seeing the dr. until the voices are gone. They are a danger to you and your wellbeing.

Overdrive · 05-17-2003, 07:09 AM

To Arebe: Actually, I said that this is very real to me, but mt wife tells me it's not. I can't understand why she says it's not real, when it's as real as anything else to me.
To Karla: I don't have any meds! I was prescribed seroquel, but never took it (partly because of a fear of side effects, partly because I thought it unneccessary). Now the prescription has expired. There are NO meds to take ...

My wife phoned my psychiatrist today. I agreed for her to do so, because I want to put her mind at rest. The psych says she's too busy to see me for several weeks, and besides which, says I must go through my shrink first and get a referral. However, she told my wife that she thought this was serious, and said I might consider going to a hospital psychiatric unit immediately. I think this is a bit much, but agreed to phone my shrink, who will be seeing me in four days time. He thinks it's serious, so now I am even more confused! Why do all these people think I am crazy, when all I know is that I'm just being me - alhough I'm not really sure who I am these days. I do feel I'm not really here, and feel emotionally and, at times, even physically dead. Last night I dreamt I was in a graveyard, and that I went into a science laboratory where they were doing experiments on dead bodies before placing them in their graves. When I walked in, the scientists all stared at me, and I knew they wanted to conduct experiments on me. Now today I am feeling anxious, and suspicious of people. A friend phoned earlier inviting himself over, and I was relieved when he cancelled. I think he wants to 'sass me out' or something. I know my wife isn't experiencing what I am experiencing, but I tell her that that is because the voices and my new friends are meant only for me - nobody will ever hear the voices or see my friends, because they came only for me. I don't really know why yet, but the military voice told me to wait for further instructions, and that's what I am doing right now. Will keep you informed ...

Overdrive · 05-17-2003, 07:10 AM

I feel excessively tired, and have an ongoing headache (like a drill exploding in my brain). I cannot concentrate on my work or anything else really, and keep irregular hours and eating patterns. When I try to read the writing is excessively blurred, and I think I am slurring my speech when I attempt to read out loud. I am aware that these are different to what I used to feel, but that doesn't change the fact that the visions and the voices are real and exist for me and me alone. I understand that other people think I am not behaving normally - but as far as I am concerned, I cannot understand why my wife doesn't see my world in the way that I do. It is somewhat frustrating. She told me that she came home yesterday and found me staring blankly, as if I was literally on another planet. Perhaps I was, but I really can't remember ... Can any of you relate? I feel safe in the internet - you can't see my eyes, and so my secrets are safe.

I have an academic paper to submit by next Friday. I wish I could concentrate long enough to write the damn thing (it's a religious paper), and I know that if I write it, something of myself will be imparted onto the guy whose marking it, and he will thus be able to spread a part of me into the reality of others' lives for me, in a way I cannot do (this is important as he is internationally known and respected). I see it as a holy grail, my duty to the world. Perhaps other people know that I know some of the world's deepest secrets, and they want to steal my knowledge from me. But they can't do it, unless they look into my eyes and thus steal it from me. I have a responsibility to protect what I know with my life if needs be. Nobody can really understand that! That is wht the voices and my friends have come specifically to me, to guide me in this task, my task as the bearer of the holy grail - that is, the secrets of the world.

[This message has been edited by Overdrive (edited 05-17-2003).]