Originally Posted by lxx
I've now been on geodon for 8 months and side effects have been strange feeling in my forehead like there is something stuck on it and weak spells where I can't stand up for even a short time. The pdoc says that even on meds I can have a relapse. How can I even chance finding a job? How do rest of you with schizophrenia live? I mean there is no guarantee that you are going to be fine if you had a job.
I met my wife in hospital. That's the only reason I'm alive. If I hadn't met her when I did, and we hadn't stuck together, I'd be dead.
That was over two years ago. I haven't spent this much time out of hospital without relapse since the first time I was admitted, at the age of 21. I'm twenty-fu##ing-nine now. I've got a degree in Math, certificates in Accounting. I hate my life.
I'm stable. I almost never hear voices. My meds don't have any side effects. I live in a nice apartment. We do stuff. The whole thing has become so routine, I'm just waiting for the day I die.
I don't want any of the things I have. I never wanted to work for a life that I despise. There's no other alternatives. You can't do nothing all day. Working sucks, no matter what it is. Hobbies don't work. You try to think of an attitude towards living that will make you happy. But nothing works and the life you already have is the one your stuck with.
You can't hold on to a single thing. The last thing you're ever going to remember is your own agonizing death. At 29, you don't feel yourself dying, so you can't appreciate that it will all be over soon. Because it won't. It will be over in a long time. Which makes it that much worse to wait for.
But I'm sure, eventually, the closer it gets, the more apparent it becomes that something's going to give out, be it your heart, or your lungs, or your kidneys, or your brain. And then you can't stand to look death in the eyes. And all that waiting finally catches up with you, and the dull pain of anticipation that filled your heart all day and night, no matter what distraction stood before you, when you were young, is calling your immortal soul into the fire, now that you're old.
I live pretty good. It's just really cold in my part of the world right now. Dark too. Get's dark at night real fast. Around five thirty, it's already dark. I don't know if I really like all this darkness. Seems like there's too much of it. Would rather there weren't so much darkness about. Seems like it's always there; can't get away from it very often. Don't think I like it too much. It's kind of got me all confused all the time. Don't really know if I'm up here or down there. Maybe I should have stayed up there. Don't really know why I came down here in the first place. Is it just me, or did everybody suddenly come from up there. It's dark all the time. I don't really, can't say I much like the weather these days. Too dark, most of the time. And it's cold, too, you know. Don't much like the cold. Always have to bring an extra sweater along. And, oh Paul McCartney! Oh Julio!