Originally Posted by violetsforvelia
im a 18 year old female who for the past 2 years has had heavy drug use. it all started out with paranoia by thinking people could read my mind but the symptoms have progressed. now i hear clicking in my brain above my ear when i think to myself, the click on the right side means what im thinking is right where the left side means i am wrong. if i am talking to someone and they touch the left side of their body or move their left had i automatically assume what they are saying is a lie. i often ask myself questions and crack my toes to see if it makes sense. i do not do any of these things on purpose and if i could stop i would. i want to know if any one else has ANY of the same symptoms because as much as i look on the internet i cannot find help. i dont know what to do but i need to get better
So, I have schizophrenia. I'm 29. My psychosis started at age 21. For me, the world was very empty and I couldn't find meaning in anything. Everything started very quickly. The first problem was that I was afraid I was going to destroy the world. I actually felt that my mind could wipe out existence. So, I just felt a lot of bad emptiness. I couldn't control this. Everything up to age 21 was fine. I never questioned reality. But then after my first psychotic episode, I felt like the world didn't exist. I also felt each and every day that it might just disappear. This was a horrible feeling. I can't imagine anything worse.
So, the thing that happened with me was that I started noticing things that didn't really have any importance. Like, if I was wearing a white shirt and I passed by two people wearing black shirts, this supposedly meant something. Really it didn't mean anything. But I think my mind just started making connections between things that weren't really important. The problem was that I couldn't stop making the connections, and every time it happened, my mind became more confused and the fear of the world being destroyed also got worse.
So, like you also, I felt that other people could read my mind and that I could read theirs. This was just a delusion. But it affected my behavior and it also severely affected my mind. Eventually all of these false connections influenced my thinking so much that I became very delusional.
Unlike normal people, who don't look at clouds and think to them selves, "I made that happen", I couldn't help thinking that everything had something to do with me. I believed I was responsible for the formation of clouds, and the way certain objects moved, and so on. I also believed that my presence around people was making them uncomfortable. The problem was that I would notice a simple little thing and it immediately triggered the idea that I had caused it seconds earlier.
So, what you're going through sounds a lot like what I was going through. I'll just summarize what I think you've described.
It starts when you think about something and then you hear a click. It affects you in a really negative way, because the sound of the click associates your thoughts with what is right and what is wrong. So, the way you think is being affected by these connections you're making.
But, you wouldn't be paranoid about your thoughts if there weren't any clicking noises. You would probably just be thinking in the way you normally did in the past. You wouldn't have to have worries about your thoughts being judged. But the clicking sound is there and you don't control it.
The problem with this sort of thing is that you can't help but believe that the clicking isn't connected to your thoughts. It's very natural that for anyone to associate the sounds of these clicks after certain thoughts, because they keep happening.
It sounds like it's very hard to separate the clicks from your thoughts. It sounds like you're being led to believe there is a connection. I have recovered well from my schizophrenia, so I'm very good at knowing when my mind is playing tricks on me. Actually the only reason I'm well today is that I was able to know when a thought I had wasn't really thought by me. For instance, let's say you have a mean kind of thought and you're pretty sure it was really just your mind playing tricks on you. Well, the thing to do in this situation, is to repeat the thought in your head. If you repeat the thought you just heard inside of you and you get a much "quieter" version, then you should eb able to know that the thought you just heard really wasn't caused be you. By repeating what you hear immediately after, you will find that you're really not the one responsible for thinking the thought. In a way it was your thought, but it was more like your mind made a comment about something you observed. And it didn't just make any comment. It, in fact, made a derogatory comment. In these situations we feel horrible about ourselves because we blame ourselves, when in fact, we really aren't the ones to blame.
So, if you're able to realize that you shouldn't blame your self for having some of these thoughts, you'll have an easier time separating the issues with the clicks. You're situation is kind of tricky. What's happening is that your mind is making up all these nasty thoughts. Then the click you hear right after convinces you that the thought you just had was your own. Really (if you try what I mentioned about repeating the thought right after) you'll notice that you aren't to blame for these thoughts. The second thing is that the clicks make you judge yourself based on your thoughts.
So this is going to affect how you feel about your self as well as how you behave. It messes with how you perceive yourself. So, if I could give you any advise, I would say; try every thing you can to convince your self that the thoughts which happen, really aren't coming from you. And you can do that by making the simple effort of repeating these thoughts in your head. Trust me, they won't sound anything like the one's bothering you, and this will help you separate what's real and what's a deception.
You can just stop for a moment and think to your self, "I am listening to my self think." The "sound" of that sentence in your head is really the truth about how you think. But what you're mind is doing is turning your observations about the world into verbal comments. Your mind does this in order to convince you that the thoughts are your own. So try to be aware of the fact that your mind is playing a simple game with you. The game is to make you believe that you're a negative person who thinks bad things about people. And the clicking sounds are there make it more believable as well as stressful for you.
It's not true. You should be allowed to observe life around in peace, without having false interpretations put into your mind. You also shouldn't have to judge your self on those thoughts either.
You will get to the bottom of this and you'll be able to not be influenced by the clicks if you can really, really convince your self that you didn't think what you heard inside your self. The reality is that you are here making innocent observations about things around you and your mind is inserting its own mean or nasty comments. And then on top of your being forced to make negative judgments about your own personality. The little click just to keep the trick going, as well as really mess up your thinking.
I know how these things can make you feel horrible about your self. And I know how these things will really make you want to isolate your self from other people. Try separating what you really are capable of thinking, from those thoughts that just pop up quickly after an observation.
If that's helpful, I can tell you a bit more about how I managed to overcome these harmful thought tricks. There are other ways of getting down to the truth of the matter. The truth about the hard times your going through is kind of summarized by this saying, "The best lies always have just a little bit of truth to them." And that is what makes it very difficult to convince one's self that they aren't the one responsible for the thoughts. Because in a way we are responsible for what we think about what we observe. But our minds will come up with lies about what we observed and it will try to make us believe that we are the ones thinking these lie.
Hopefully this helps. If you want to ask me anything, I will be following this thread for a while.