aeliad

I'm a 16 year old girl, diagnosed with depression a few years back (though my first suicidal urges happened when I was 9, and at one point I was diagnosed with temporal lobe epilepsy). I also get migraines.

The suicidal urges haven't happened much lately, I did talk to a psychologist who was very helpful, but when they do happen its like its not me, its my brain telling me to do things. I can't control it.

There's a boy I talk to who exists only in my head (he is annoyingly insistent about this fact). He's my brother. I remember watching him die a long long time ago. He doesn't tell me to do bad things or anything, he's actually helpful sometimes. Sometimes we argue and he makes me angry, but he's my brother so I love him.

The thing is, I'm not sure he ever actually existed...I mean, mostly I know he did, but if I told anyone they wouldn't believe me, because the whole story--that I used to be an alien and my brother died in the war--sounds ridiculous. Even to me it sounds ridiculous. So sometimes I think I should talk to a doctor, especially because I have a family history of schizophrenia.

I'm afraid of doctors, though. I went to a hospital two years ago for about a week because of my suicidal urges (it was my choice) and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I don't ever want to go back there again. Not to mention, whether its real or not, all the things I know are part of me...I don't want someone to try and take them from me. They're all I have.

When I close my eyes I can see dead people, though, and my father abandoned me here after the war. It hurts.

I don't know what to do. Please help.