I dunno what to do...
Ever since I was a kid I've been plagued with incredibly disturbing dreams and bouts of insomnia (and when I was younger very infrequent auditory hallucinations and some tactile hallucinations)
literally for as long as I can remember.
When I was younger the dreams were mostly what you'd expect from children's nightmares I think, being in a supermarket with my mum and then she disappears and everyone has hissing and snapping cobras for heads, or monks with no faces standing over my bed and I can't move or make any noises no matter how much I scream.
The dreams got worse, but not massively until I turned 15 and then I had my 'Vision from God' I remember laying in bed one night and thinking to myself about God and the Devil and in a fit of genius I uttered the words "God ig you're real then take me to hell" Then everything went black and I was falling through what felt like nothing and it felt like I was falling forever, at first I was patient but then I asked to be taken back, I got no response until I was terrified and started screaming and begging to be taken back. Then I stopped falling and I was held there in the nothingness and though I couldn't see anything I was aware of a massive head in front of me, its features were only vague, but I couldn't see it I could feel it. I know it doesn't make sense. But I knew it was God and it was judging me and found me wanting. I woke up and didn't sleep for days afterwards.
The dreams have only gotten more disturbing as the years have gone on. I know dream of empty skins attaching themselves to dead people and attacking, or skinless people with dogs teeth and no eyes attacking me, or I'll be overwhelmed by noise and shrink (or maybe everything gets bigger) and I can't make the noise stop and it hurts and I can feel my ears bleeding before I 'die' and wake up.
This is always followed by days of not being able to sleep no matter how tired I am.
But in recent years those aren't the only problems, When I get stressed I'm prone to freaking out big time (occasional and erratic alcohol misuse only makes it worse) and I end up kicking off at people, proper mad rants, though invariably I will remember having said something different to them. The amount of times I've sat in a room and people are looking at me like I'm a monster and I don't even remember what I've said. I certainly didn't think it was anything bad.
It's destroyed two relationships and made it near enough impossible to work. I've retreated from the world in a big way in recent years and while I was never a particular social animal (very polite and friendly but I can't handle people in big numbers or for very long, unless I know them very well which only buys me a bit more time with them) I've lost homes and I'm going to be made homeless again for it.
I had some of the messages I sent out and some of rants on people's voicemails played back to me and it went from the monstrously vile to the outright bizarre. I woke up last weekend with no recollection of the night before and my notebook covered in ranting about being able to control people's minds with hermetic ritual magic replete with some of the most twisted illustrations I've made.
The hallucinations are now getting more frequent, they're not too severe, its either hearing my phone vibrating (which since it stopped working and i'm still hearing it is a big reason why I'm posting) and people I know calling my name. Aside from hearing my phone, they're not constant and it's like they're sitting in the room next to me trying to get my intention. I can ignore it (though if I haven't slept in a bit I sometimes get confused and actually ignore the real people lol and I once replied to a conversation my brother never started) also even since I was a kid I get minor tactile hallucinations, it feels like my arms and legs are being punched. not hard. but I feel it.
Thing is friends and family have pointed some of my peculiarities out to me many times over the year, I get quite anxious leaving the house without my beanie and big wool coat on even in summer, I can't bear being touched by people that I don't know incredibly well and shouting is liable to send me off on one. But I just thought, I dunno I just thought they were trying to impose their own views on how I should live my life on me and disregarded it. I've felt so sick and tired of other people telling me what I can and can't do and for a single man of my age with no kids what I do isn't that bad. No drugs, but the odd binge drinking session.
But I can't deny the evidence in front of me, the hermetic ritual thing was weird as hell and it's creeped me out. Apparently I've stopped recognizing people I've known for years but I still don't recognise or remember them and I can't shake the feeling that Dad and my mate have an angle their trying to foist on me. Which is stupid cos if either of them were going through this I would be worried sick.
They reckon I'm schizophrenic.
I suppose before I go to the doctors I would like some assurance one way or the other.
Thankyou for reading