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Old 02-21-2012, 06:43 PM   #1
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I think I'm getting worse... I'm really scared.

So, a few months ago I told my girlfriend about the voices and people I'd been hearing and seeing for years, and also about my fears. She convinced me to tell my mother. So I did. And she shrugged it off.

Hallucinations run through my family. My mother was plagued by them. Half of my family can see "ghosts" and believe their psychic. My mother only ever hallucinates at night.

The only difference between my mother and me is that I see things almost constantly throughout the day and night, and she sees one thing every few nights. And when I was about 6 I saw a demon, I called him my imaginary friend. He used to make me strangle my little brother. I have no idea how to break that to my mother.
So she took me to the doctor anyway, and he referred me to a Psychiatrist and a Neurologist and also got my Thyroid checked. My Thyroid results came back as slightly high, so borderline overactive. I also got referred to a hormone specialist (forgot the proper name for them) and he took my bloods again, and they came back as underactive. He told my mother that could be the root of my hallucinations. So she's blaming everything on that.

But it's not just that I can see and hear demons. My thoughts are... painful. That's the only word I can use to describe them. It's like I have the front carriage of one train of thought with a carriage of another train of thought attached behind it and another thought behind that and so on, and that train collides with another chaotic train. It's like all of my thoughts run into eachother. and they wont stop. I can never stop thinking, even if it's nonsense. And I always get something stuck in my head, usualy something I KNOW I shouldn't think or don't want to think. Like if I see a disturbing picture I'll constantly think about it. When I was younger "I wish I would die" constantly ran through my head, and I honestly thought that by wishing that I would die. And I used to think that if I crossed my eyes when I had my eyes closed I'd stay like that forever, so when I was trying to go to sleep I'd always open my eyes, and when I fell asleep I'd wake up just so I could open my eyes. And I had to blink every time I saw a tree because I was frightened that if I didn't a tree would grow legs and try to kill me. For some reason, back then, that made perfect sense. Sometimes when I talk people say "Sophie, you're not making any sense" or my teacher will look at my work and tell me that sections of it don't make sense.

But lately everything's been getting worse. It soounds strange, but I think the stress of my GCSEs set it off. I had three panic attacks in my french speaking, and during my french writing was the first time I saw Jake. Jake is from an alternate reality and is part deer part human, and half of his face has rotted away. He says it's from exposure to the earth's atmosphere, which is like acid to him. All of them are from an alternate reality, and I am a gateway to that reality, which is why I can see into it and why they are focused around me. I don't like telling people that because they'll think I'm crazy. Demon says that if I let anybody know about him he'll kill me and the rest of my family.

But lately, school has gotten really difficult. Mainly because I've been seeing them more. Partly because I can't keep my thoughts still and my concentration and attention span barely exists. I don't know what to tell my teacher's. I really need help, but I don't know how to get it.

And my mother doesn't know how bad things are. One of the doctor's asked if I'd been having troubles doing day to day tasks, like using the microwave. She just said I'd always been "A bit dolly dimple" (I think that's slang for simple for those that don't know) and that I'd have to be asked many times to do something because I'd just stare with a blank expression on my face.

But I've always had trouble performing everyday tasks. I could never brush my teeth or get washed in the morning so my mother would constantly have to say "Sophie, keep brushing your teeth" "Sophie, stop straing into space and get washed". And now it's got even worse because she's not there to remind me of what I'm doing. Most of the time I go out and I haven't been washed or groomed because I'd simply forgot what I was doing. That's difficulty performing everyday tasks, right?

And I don't know when I'm going to see the psychiatrist. It was supposed to be the 1st of February, but it got moved and I don't know when to. I also don't know when I'm going to see the Neurologist. But it's been nearly two months since I intially seen the doctor. The Thyroid tablets aren't helping the hallucinations.
I'm scared because it always feels like someone is trying to kill me, and I'm so confused at the moment. And I have no idea how to tell my mother how bad things are. She shouts at me when I see the demons, she can't understand how I "don't know they're not real" she says "Surely you must know they're just your Thyroid making you see things" I told her I knew they weren't real because that's what demon's been telling me to do all of my life. But I know they're real. I hide when I'm having a bad turn and try to act as normal as I can around her so she wont shout at me for acting wierd, which she always does. I'm frightened that because she doesn't know how bad it is, she'll answer the Psychiatrist's questions but wrong because she's telling him the lies I told her. I'm frightened of being misdiagnosed. I really don't know what to do.

Ps: I'm 14, have suffered from "hallucinations" for as long as I can remember and have terrible problems sleeping due to nightmares. I am an A grade student but in the last science test I done I dropped from an A* in my previous one to a U. In all of my subjects I have dropped at least one grade since last year. Sorry about how long this is... I tend to ramble :/

 
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Old 02-26-2012, 05:03 PM   #2
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Re: I think I'm getting worse... I'm really scared.

Wow, that's rather a lot to be dealing with. Parts of it really remind me of my messy breakdown a while back, only that didn't last for years.

I do have to say that is one of the best descriptions of racing thoughts I have ever read, with the trains. You captured that so much better than I.

Firstly, I'd say you need to get more involved in the medical aspect--find out when those appointments are (they're for you, so you should know), I'd even see if maybe there's a way to move the psych one up.

You're afraid of being misdiagnosed, you've no idea how much I appreciate that one--do you keep a journal of any sort? Try writing down all the things you're experiencing, take it with you to the doc appointments. I've found this is much easier than trying to remember everything once I'm there. Do some research on your symptoms, too, among other things it'll help you learn what your docs need to know.

As far as school goes, are there any teachers there you trust enough to talk to? Counselors? Seems most schools have some sort of similar resource these days, you could try that.

Your mother sounds like a bit of a problem, honestly. First she blows you off, then she decides "could be" equals "definitely is," now she's shouting at you for even having hallucinations. Her reporting "facts" to the docs based on your lies is really problematic, and needs to stop, now--it's only hurting you. I think you should try talking to her again, possibly armed with your symptom journal and maybe a better knowledge of your condition from your research. Based on your post, this doesn't sound real easy, but I do really think you should try. Failing that, is there anyone else in your family you could turn to?

Hope you're still around to read this, and hope things get better for you.
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Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.--John Lennon

 
Old 04-01-2012, 09:48 PM   #3
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Re: I think I'm getting worse... I'm really scared.

Wow, You think the demon is real. Don't listen to the demon. You could hear a voice or see a demon but that doesn't mean that you have to listen to him/her. Regardless of whether or not the demon is real or not don't listen to him. Make up your own mind and your own decisions regardless of what your voices or imaginary friends tell you to do. Think about it like this. The cartoons with the demon on one shoulder and the angel on the other shoulder telling you what to do. Maybe you only hear demons and you don't hear any angels. Maybe none of your voices are good voices. Some people may be able to live completely normal lives without medications just by ignoring the voices, demons or imaginary friends. Watch that movie "A Beautiful Mind" Maybe it will help you. If your demon tells you to do something think about if it is wrong or if it is right. If it is the right thing to do then do it. If it is good and true then do it. But being that your demon is a demon nothing the demon says is probably good or true. Maybe all your voices are bad voices. You could just have a strong imagination so strong that it fools even yourself. Maybe you are not getting enough REM sleep which is the dream state of mind. If you don't get REM sleep then you could begin to dream while you are awake. Maybe a sleeping pill could help. You could try it and see if it works.

 
Old 04-01-2012, 09:53 PM   #4
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Re: I think I'm getting worse... I'm really scared.

You could just have a vivid imagination and by taking a bunch of pills it will simply limit your ability to imagine and use your creative thinking. Medication may make you unable to think at all and simply mask the problem. I would try some less traditional methods such as ignoring the voices.

 
Old 04-01-2012, 10:13 PM   #5
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Re: I think I'm getting worse... I'm really scared.

If your demon is going on about one thing then do something completely different then what the demon wants you to do. If the demon is talking about one thing then change the subject and completely push it out of your mind until it is gone. Sing your favorite uplifting good song. Do what ever it takes to get it out of your mind. Think about something else. Take your mind to a happy place. Try to keep your thoughts pure and positive. If it is just a vivid imagination then the least you can do is have a pure and positive imagination. Get rid of those Demons and only have Angels. Turn that frown upside down.

 
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