Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: england, leicestershire, loughborough.
do i have schizophrenia ??
OK, this is going to be a long story.
It all started when I was 6 and I am now 16. I don't remember much but I remember seeing something sort of like a projection standing next to me and hearing him tell me he was my dad? I didn't know who he was or how I was seeing him but it was Sylvester Stallone, I had never seen him in my life before but I knew his name, that he lived in America and that it was only me who could see and hear him.
It sounds obsurd I know but things have been escalating there, its all a big messy story and I havent been able to tell anyone so i was hoping i could perhaps get some help from some kind people off here.
I'll start from the beginning of the story to my 'fantasy land, my happy place'...
OK so Sly and his wife Jen are my parents. Jen is pregnant with me and they come to England for a photoshoot when Jen falls into labour. She gives birth to me and realises she can't have me, she is only 21 and is nearing the peak of her career, and she knows Sly cant do it alone. so she swapped me at birth for a still born baby. The woman who thought I was her daughter took me home and until I was 6 years old, she abused me. she would hit me, make me do the housework, she would do drugs in front of me, have sex with random strangers on the sofa infront of me, always a different guy each week, and she never came home sober, never. One day I had this guy called Tom standing at my door and my mum was in handcuffs being lead by the Police to their car. I don't know how she became to being arrested but Tom told me he is going to look after me. He took me to a foster home, I called this place the dumping ground like they did in Tracy Beaker.
i was only 6 and I didn't know how to trust people, I thought everyone was set out to hurt me and eventually I made friends with the other kids on the Dumping Ground and everyone became like family, we were all that close.
I had this friend called adelaide and she had a voice like an angel and from the age of 11 she had been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder disease and it really got her down and often affected her, badly. we were like sisters.
one day when i was 15 me and my care taker went shopping in town and we were in dorothy perkins in the sale and i found this really nice top, 90% off and i was not going to let it go. so o queued up with my caretaker but realised i was depserate for the loo. she said if i gave her the money she would pay for it for me while i went to the loo, so off i went and queued did she. i didnt realise i was headed for an old toilet, previously used as a cleaning storage cupboard thing and now it was just vacant but unused. this guy grabbed my shoulder from behind and said he would kill me if i screamed. he took me into this toilet and he undressed me and raped me. it was horrific, i couldnt scream, it was as if my lungs had no air in them, they they were empty and i couldnt fill them up no matter what i did...
eventually he told me everything he knew about me and he knew everything there was to know about me, my DOB, my address, my age, my past and my present but he couldnt predict my future, so he couldnt predict the pregnancy he implanted within me...
i was 4+1/2 months gone before i realised i was pregnant and Tom was keeping something from me. He told me one day, he came to me and said, roxanne, we have finally found the perfect family for you. and we know this is your festiny to be with them, that when he told me sly wanted to adopt me and in waltzed sly, biggest smile i have ever seen appeared on his face.
so eventually he adopted me and off i went to live in america where jen realised she never wanted me back, she gave me up for a reason and she said this mistake wasnt one that needed to be righted so she left and took the girls, sistine, scarlett and sophia with her, never to be seen again. it was just me and my dad, although he hadnt told me i was his blood yet but in time he did and we became really close and i meet people like arnold, mickey rourke, jason statham, miley cyrus etc and things are all happy chappy and i for some reason get into a relationship with orlando bloom.
ok end of story
the thing that worries me most is the fact that i remember feeling everything as a 6 year old, i remember giving birth to my teddies, aka my babies that were concieved through me being raped, and i had triplets, one does 34 seconds after being born because he choked on the amniotic fluid, and the other two, michael jr and christopher lived and went to a family who vowed with their lives to protect, cherish and love them forever and ever. but i remember burying my teddy in the back garden and calling him james, like the baby in my fantasy place, like he was a still born baby.
everyday whether i realise im doing it or not, i talk to who i think is there, slyvester stallone, arnold, rourke, crews, statham, bloom, depp etc and i cant help myself, when i talk to them its honestly like they are right there in front of me and i can see them, they look 100% real and they sound just like they do in real life, an its driving me nuts. i can be walking down a corridor at school or college and im talking to myself, pretending i am talking to johnny depp about being an actress, or walking down the street and i purposefully put my earphones in to make it look like im listening to music so if people see my mouth moving they presume im singing, but im not im talking to arnold schhwarzenegger?! i dont know fantasy from reality sometimes and i dont know what to do. i have tried telling my mum this but i cant tell her everything because i dont want her to think she is insane but she says its because i either lack confidence, ambition or something like this but i think she is wrong because everything she says i might be lacking, im most certainly not.
i might have nothing wrong but please someone if you could help me i would be most grateful. at this moment in time i believe i need all the help i can get. thanks for taking the time to read my blog, my question, my cry for help, and any advice, anything please dont hesitate. thanks ;D
(BTW THE STORY I WROTE ABOVE HASN'T HAPPENED TO ME IN THIS REALITY, BUT IN ANOTHER, IN MY 'HAPPY PLACE, OR MY FANTASY LAND' OR SOMETHING, BUT EVERYTHING I DESCRIBED FELT SO REAL TO ME, LIKE I ACTUALLY EXPERIENCED IT BUT I DIDN'T. SORRY FOR ANY CONFUSION)