i have been struggling with this illness for a long time, and struggling to accept it. when i am in bad shape, i am convinced that my delusions/hallucinations are real, and that everyone is like me and shares these experiences, they're just lying. when i'm doing well, i can't remember clearly the bad times and somehow have a sense of guilt. i feel like i made the whole thing up for attention, that i've always been healthy and i don't need my meds.
my loved ones console me and remind me of the bad times, not to dwell but just to learn from. my mom tells me "but wouldn't it be great if you really DID make it all up?" i think i have been holding onto this guilt because before i was diagnosed no one believed me about my symptoms. they just thought i had an overactive imagination and wanted to be special. i was truly suffering, but their words started to pierce my brain. i even have voices that tell me i don't have voices. how ironic is that?
i have talked to others with schizophrenia who feel similarly, and i'm just wondering if you guys have any experience with this? i feel my illness interferes with my memory, and it's almost like a response to trauma. my brain doesn't want me remembering these terrifying exepriences, so i block them out. i don't want to fully remember, but i don't want to forget either. i just want to accept it, and have been trying to for 7 years, but how do you accept being chronically ill, most likely for the rest of your life?
I had a few of the same experiences. I once had a 3 hour talk with one of my friends. I got very angry, as he was threatening me and told me to back of etc. The next day he acted normal and when I confronted him, he had no idea what I was talking about. The night still haunts me, because I don't know what was real or not. He told me what he actually said, and I immediately thought it was another conspiracy against me. Now I decided to forget the night. I don't know what was real and I never will.
There was a few other times I lost memory or misinterpreted events, but that's just part of our illness.
What your mother said is a bit unfair. Saying stuff like that to people who are struggling to find out what is wrong with them is just unhealthy. My mother still doesn't think I have schizophrenia and every few weeks she reads up on a new illness that she is sure I have that explains my symptoms. We can't be angry at them because they are just trying to help, but it still does damage.
I also had a voice telling me that I was normal. When I finally got a appointment to see someone, he said he would make me kill everyone I know if I went. Ironically when I got the courage to go see the doctor, he thought I was lying and just put me on a lame anti depressant. I only got diagnosed by my 3rd doctor.
I was also a bit depressed about being chronically ill without a chance of being cured. Then I read a short book about a life story of a schizophrenic. It was a nice read, but the title was the thing I took most to heart. "Recovered not cured". That is all we can hope for.
that must be awful. it's scary to not know what is real.
i think my mom was just trying to reassure me that i was not making things up, but that if i was then that would be a good thing so i have nothing to worry about. but i see what you mean. she acknowledges it's real now, it just took her and my dad awhile.
i'd be very interested in that book. i read everything i can about the disorder in hopes of better understanding my own mind. i want hope, but i want realism too.
thanks for your response! may we both see better days ahead.
I have schizophrenia, i can relate to what you said, i have problems putting things into words when i'm on front of a therapist or psychiatrist(when it counts), recently i've been able to type some of the things in a quick note on my phone when it comes to me, then i can elaborate when i read it to myself, but i know what you mean, i sometimes think that i couldn't make up what i believe now a days, its like my mind just found a way to justify everything i'm hearing and seeing into these false beliefs. i dont think my imagination is that creative cause everything i believe has been fed to my by these voices and we have built something so large and complicated that it will take a life time to explain to someone. Just the fact that i can't remember ever makes it hard to achieve that. All i know is that when i'm in psychosis i have to believe its real, i can't hear something, then know something, then say something back, then believe something, without thinking it was real to me. but its not.