I've never verbalized any of this. It's just time I tell someone;
I'm totally alone. I can't tell my parents, and only one other person kind of knows. I don't tell her the extent of it all though. I'm just really starting to see that I've never been normal.
When I was extremely young, I was convinced that whenever I got into the shower that I was being watched through secret cameras. I would go through significant efforts to try and find the cameras, too. I would examine soap bottles, shower heads, I'd stare at the bathroom ceiling non-stop. Utterly convinced that my parents were watching me. I was convinced that any bad thought I had my mom would hear. There was literally no doubt in my mind. I could never sleep alone, either. In my head there was always someone in my room watching me. I was anti-social to kids in school, and disliked all the adults around me. I still generally don't trust anyone. I hardly even like anyone. I don't even socialize with my family anymore- it's just impossible for me.
I'm genuinely paranoid of everything, too. I can't go places alone. If I'm in a crowded place I feel like everyone is looking at me, and everyone is thinking about me. Not in some teenage cheerleader narcissistic way though. Whenever I walk in even relatively empty places by myself I am convinced that any and every car or person is waiting to get me. I even get convinced that someone is continuously watching me and planning on how to get me when I walk home or through my neighborhood. When I was younger, right when my bus was out of site I became instantly terrified and ran for my life home. I'd fumble with my keys like a maniac once I got to my house door, even though there was no one around me. I was just certain that I had to get inside as fast as possible and that there was someone there. I can't be in my house alone without being terrified. I get so scared over nothing that I sprint through my house and outside to my parents. My heart beat legitimately increases to the point where I feel like I'm in a life or death situation. It's like hardcore panic attacks.
I hear things constantly. It feels like they're whispers that I could hear if I listened close enough. At night especially. When I try to fall asleep I hear things. I get convinced it's whispers, and that I need to strain my ears to hear- no matter how terrified I am. There is no blocking them out. I even hallucinate frequently. Things move out of the corners of my eyes, becoming shadows, people, faces, creatures. I'm constantly unable to sleep at night so I have to sit and try to convince myself that I'm okay when I'm so scared that I'm shaking and almost crying. I also cannot leave my bed at night. Not even to go to the bathroom. I get too scared. Too.scared.to.pee. I also have to have my dog with me in my room at night or I can't even be in my room. I'm straight up terrified of the dark, too.
Since 6th grade when I would ride the bus home I'd get paranoid that someone was reading my mind. I would try to monitor what I was thinking so that no one would hear my real thoughts. I would do that in class, too. I'd get scared that in my future I would be in a position of power and that any essays I wrote throughout school would be brought up to the surface, so I basically would write as if the FBI was reading and examining all my homework. I even thought that there were vampires at my school- coexisting, but secretly plotting our demise.Vampires. what.
I've believed that the world I am currently in is most likely a work of my imagination. I've thought that my "parents" aren't my real parents and that my life is a giant cover up. I used to think that my animals could understand me and telepathically talk to each other, and even have full access to my mind. I think that everything that happens in life was supposed to happen, and that there was no way of getting any other result. Basically that we are like actors in a movie, following scripts. Even if we're all unaware. I think that the world gives me signs, too. Little things for me to decipher and use to help me in life.
I'm just always scared and lost in my mind.
I wonder about OCD traits in me, too;
"Intrusive sexually explicit or violent thoughts and images."
"Superstitions; excessive attention to something considered lucky or unlucky."
"Counting, tapping, repeating certain words, or doing other senseless things to reduce anxiety."
I want someone to know what I'm going through, or to tell me they've had the same. Please. I hate feeling like I'm insane. I'm angry or scared all the time. I need emotions.
Hey, you are not alone in this! Most of what you described is what I have been through. Those paranoid feelings are scary; I can completely relate. What helped me was therapy and medications. Now, when those thoughts come back, I can do reality checks to take away the fear that I am, in a way, under a microscope.
During my teen years is when the paranoia started. I thought there were security cameras in screens, a/c vents, and mirrors in my bedroom, that people were watching me through the windows of my home, that simply touching people allowed them access to read my thoughts, that my bedroom hosted an evil spirit, that people were following me, that people I know were magically watching my every move even if we were miles apart, that certain people had poisoned my food and so on. My delusions became specific: I thought at one time a father and son were working together to kidnap me.
Even after meds and therapy, I get some paranoia from time to time, but getting help has given me the tools to make it go away. My advice: start talking to someone you can trust (or try to trust), like your family doctor. They will get you on the right path toward help, peace, and relief.
My diagnosis is: schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, though this may not be what you have.
tell your parents,if they dont help you find a counseler for mental help.Maybe start a realtionship with God maybe buy a puppy.Save yourself a big headache and start getting medicated soon,if you had a bad heart would you take medication for a better life,the answer is yes,your brain is not working normally so you can function at our best so help it out by finding the correct medicine for it.GL
These things are incredibly scary and i really sympathize, because i relate and know how hard it can be. but it is great that even though some of your thoughts are very paranoid/delusional you seem to be very intelligent and lucid. this will help with your prognosis, but see a doctor before it gets worse. you need relief. you DESERVE relief. it is hard to trust professionals, i know, but things can get worse if you don't have early intervention. i'm not assuming to know your diagnosis but you clearly are suffering. good luck!