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Old 01-09-2005, 11:50 AM   #1
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PollyPrissyPants HB User
where does responsibility lie???

hi....i have a long history with cutting as i started over 30 years ago in jr high and recently started back up at 45 due to a divorce....but this post isn't about me....it's about a friend of my daughters....this girl is 15 and my daughter found out she has been cutting....last night my daughter was sleeping at her friends house and walked in on her in the middle of cutting...blood all down her arms and in the sink....this really upset my daughter and she called me sobbing uncontrollably because she was so frightened....she came home and is now scared for her friend and feels she should be able to help her to stop....i told her that she shouldnt feel responsible and when this friend gets cutting into her head, its like a freight train and she wont be able to stop the thoughts until she cuts (at least thats what its like for me)...my daughter knows i cut which also worries her but i'm in thearpy and on meds so she knows i'm doing what i must to deal with it...my question is, as a parent, do i have some responsibility to tell her mother shes cutting?? i dont want to violate any trust between this girl and my daughter but i'd feel terrible if something awful happened to this girl(cut too deep for instance) and i hadnt done anything to help...should i maybe talk to this girl directly, not so much as an adult to a child but as one cutter to another?? i just dont know what to do but feel i have some responsibility to lead this girl towards some help...i also feel sad for my daughter to have to experience this with a friend since she's already trying to deal with my cutting (which has become less frequent lately because i see what it does to her and she's the most important person in my life)...
any advice i could get would be really appreciated....does one turn a blind eye and pray for her or does one maybe cross boundaries and call attention to it??? i dont know her parents well enough to know if they would be supportive and understanding or if they would just flip out and not understand the emotional reasons one does this....
please please please.....any advice??? anyone???
thank you in advance for any replies i might get...(and i do hope for some as i'm totally lost)
PPP~~~

 
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Old 01-10-2005, 06:57 PM   #2
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*music23* HB User
Exclamation Re: where does responsibility lie???

Yes, you DO have a responsibility to tell the mother.
Think of it this way: if, God forbid, something happened to this girl... say she was cutting and she cut too deep and died... and you could have prevented this by alerting her mom so she could get some help, you will never be able to forgive yourself, I would wager. And neither would your daughter. If you don't do it for your daughter's friend, do it for your daughter. Everyone deserves peace of mind.
When it comes to a potential issue of life and death, screw privacy. Screw confidentiality. I've had many people "betray my trust", and at the time I am so mad I could barely think. But now I understand that those "traitors" were very, very good and caring people. There's no conspiracy against me. People want to help me. I know this now.
It may seem a little unbelievable, but it very well could be that this girl may actually want, on some level, your daughter or you to tell her mom. Even though she may deny it until she is blue in the face. I know. I have been there. I could get very indirect and/or contradictory.
YOU MUST TELL SOMEONE ABOUT THIS! And please update.
Kristina

Last edited by *music23*; 01-10-2005 at 06:59 PM.

 
Old 01-11-2005, 11:20 PM   #3
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bbybyrd HB User
Re: where does responsibility lie???

This is a tough question. If you tell the girls parents and start explaining to them why it happens and that she needs to seek therapy they may start asking you questions like how do you know so much about it and stuff like that. The reason why this may be a problem is if they find out that you also cut you don't want them to blame you for it or say that maybe she learned it from you. And like you said...you don't know them that well so it's hard to think about how they would react. I would talk to the girl....maybe talk to her about it and see what she says. Try to convince her to tell her parents herself that way you won't be put in the middle of it. I don't know...this is just my opinion but I think the daughter should tell her mom herself. I wouldn't want someone telling my mom that I cut no matter how old I am. This is a sticky situation.

 
Old 01-12-2005, 06:00 AM   #4
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PollyPrissyPants HB User
Re: where does responsibility lie???

thank you both for your replies....i'm still confused as to what to do....my daughter so far has told her friend that if she needs to talk, i'll listen, be understanding and nonjudgemental.....but i would encourage her to talk to her parents....tomorrow (thurs) i have a psyc. appt and plan to ask my doc for advice....the little i've learned so far about this girls parents is that they hold her to very high standards (straight a's in order to get her drivers license and drive) and they compare her constantly to her older sister who is a straight a student, gorgeous and popular....grrr, why cant parents accept that each child is different and accept them for what/who they are....
anyway, still mulling this through...my heart aches for this girl....
thanks again, PPP~~~

 
Old 01-12-2005, 10:30 AM   #5
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bbybyrd HB User
Re: where does responsibility lie???

Quote:
Originally Posted by PollyPrissyPants
the little i've learned so far about this girls parents is that they hold her to very high standards (straight a's in order to get her drivers license and drive) and they compare her constantly to her older sister who is a straight a student, gorgeous and popular....grrr, why cant parents accept that each child is different and accept them for what/who they are....
anyway, still mulling this through...my heart aches for this girl....
thanks again, PPP~~~
I went through that when I was younger. I was always a straight A student and the pressure to remain that way is one of the reasons why I drank. I have major problems with perfectionism as well. All that pressure that she's getting from her parents no doubt is contributing to her cutting.

 
Old 01-13-2005, 03:34 PM   #6
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*music23* HB User
Wink Re: where does responsibility lie???

I don't think you'd have to get into your own cutting actually. Anyone, whether you cut or not, knows that cutting yourself is abnormal! Telling her parents is essential; they are in desperate need of a serious heads-up.
Kristina

 
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