It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Self-injury Recovery Message Board

Disturbed about cutting in new location


Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-30-2006, 09:48 PM   #1
hergy
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: NC, USA
Posts: 860
hergy HB User
Question Disturbed

I am currently in therapy and working diligently to break my self injury habit. I was raped as a child and flashbacks were the trigger for the onset of my self injury. I have broken my hand twice, caused several contusions and I've cut my hands, feet and thighs.

In recent months, in an effort to further lessen visible scarring, I have cut my lower abdomen, below my pubic hairline. Unlike other locations I've chosen before, I experience arousal when I cut this area. The arousal is disturbing to me, especially because it's increased by the level of pain I experience. Even though I know it will happen, I like that the scars are well-hidden. I've even shaved lower to make sure the scars are covered.

I'm trying to end this problem, but I've found that seeing myself bleeding in this area is very satisfying. Like a symbol of what I should be. It's as if I'm developing an even more twisted version of my already bad habit. I feel like a freak. I don't need a new addiction, especially since I'm trying to leave the entire world of self injury.

Has anyone experienced or heard of this? Any suggestions on how to send this new addiction out of my head?

Nikki

Last edited by hergy; 12-31-2006 at 03:44 PM.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 01-04-2007, 04:58 PM   #2
Phoenix
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 3,897
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Dear Nikki,

First of all, believe that you are better than this. It is not bigger than you; it is the way in which you perceive it.

The entire "pain bringing pleasure" is psychologically based and this has to be explored.

The proper venue depends on how you perceive it.

I realize that this is a tough subject to post a response to but I am not unnerved.

One thing that must be realized is that there is only an opening of one's epidermal layer. Nothing is actually released.

What comes to mind when you see blood, in general?

If you are puzzled as to where I am going with this, then you are in the right frame of mind.

Take care
God Bless
FTM

 
Old 01-05-2007, 05:19 PM   #3
hergy
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: NC, USA
Posts: 860
hergy HB User
Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by forthemasses
If you are puzzled as to where I am going with this, then you are in the right frame of mind.
FTM,

This is strange. I've never met you before, but when I saw your username under my post, I was embarassed. Wierd, huh? You are a brave man.

And, yes, I'm TOTALLY PUZZLED. Where are you going with this? I really want to know. The parts that didn't puzzle me made a lot of sense.

Thanks and hugs,

Nikki

 
Old 01-06-2007, 01:40 AM   #4
Phoenix
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 3,897
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by red_five
FTM,

This is strange. I've never met you before, but when I saw your username under my post, I was embarassed. Wierd, huh? You are a brave man.

And, yes, I'm TOTALLY PUZZLED. Where are you going with this? I really want to know. The parts that didn't puzzle me made a lot of sense.
Dear Nikki,

I think too deep for my own good at times and I wanted to see if there was any correlation between seeing the blood and tying it to specific events in your life. I have been known to "go deeper than the Grim Reaper" at times but that is me.

I look at doing drugs to the point of wanting to make my heart stop (in the past)as being a form of self injury,bulemia and cutting myself to write a letter in my own blood(suffered a nervous breakdown when my brother passed in 1990) a form of self injury. There is also "psychological self injury."

Nikki,

We are all adults here but if it makes you uncomfortable to speak about certain things with me and you would feel better speaking to another woman, I understand. Please let me know and I will honor your request.

Take care
God Bless
FTM

Last edited by Phoenix; 01-06-2007 at 01:47 AM.

 
Old 01-07-2007, 12:09 PM   #5
hergy
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: NC, USA
Posts: 860
hergy HB User
Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by forthemasses
We are all adults here but if it makes you uncomfortable to speak about certain things with me and you would feel better speaking to another woman, I understand. Please let me know and I will honor your request.
You're awesome, FTM. I'm not uncomfortable communicating with you, it's just that I had never encountered you on the SI board and, I don't know, I just felt wierd.

But it's ok. What you're saying is very interesting. Don't stop. You've had some terrible things happen to you, so I feel confident that you can shed some light in my bedarkened SI world.

I wish you well in your own climb toward a better sense of well-being and look forward to more of your insight.

Hugs,

Nikki

 
Old 01-08-2007, 12:26 AM   #6
Phoenix
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 3,897
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by forthemasses
The entire "pain bringing pleasure" is psychologically based and this has to be explored.
One thing that must be realized is that there is only an opening of one's epidermal layer. Nothing is actually released.

What comes to mind when you see blood, in general?
Nothing is "released", except blood (depending on how deep one injure's self).

Are you up for the recall?

Take care
God Bless
FTM

 
Old 01-09-2007, 11:23 AM   #7
hergy
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: NC, USA
Posts: 860
hergy HB User
Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by forthemasses
Are you up for the recall?
Bring it on. I'd rather be disturbed in the light than confused in the darkness.

Nikki

 
Old 01-09-2007, 01:51 PM   #8
trg247
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: ontario
Posts: 3,763
Blog Entries: 1
trg247 HB Usertrg247 HB Usertrg247 HB User
Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

CBT - is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

I scared myself during the last cutting session so have done everything not to go back to it. It has been a week but I guess it is a start.


trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 01-09-2007, 06:40 PM   #9
hergy
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: NC, USA
Posts: 860
hergy HB User
Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by trg247
CBT - is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy...I scared myself during the last cutting session so have done everything not to go back to it. It has been a week but I guess it is a start.
Thanks for solving my CBT mystery.

I've scared myself one too many times, as well.

A week is GREAT, trg! Don't underestimate the importance of your intentions.

I'm trying to stop, too, but it's not easy at all. I'm stuck to it on several levels - the pain, the punishment, the distraction, the rush, the enlivening feeling, the need to see the blood. There's a lot behind the problem.

It doesn't go away easily, but you can do it. You're worth having that peace.

Hugs,

Nikki

 
Old 01-09-2007, 08:42 PM   #10
trg247
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: ontario
Posts: 3,763
Blog Entries: 1
trg247 HB Usertrg247 HB Usertrg247 HB User
Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

My big thing lately is I get the shakes and the only way to stop it is through pain. With the cutting the marks were getting longer and deeper yet it was not able to satisfy the craving. I found myself in front of a metal door reading myself to keep punching until I felt something break, did not do it nor have I cut since. Still have the shakes so the focus is keeping my hands busy.

take care
trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 01-09-2007, 09:19 PM   #11
Phoenix
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 3,897
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by red_five
Bring it on. I'd rather be disturbed in the light than confused in the darkness.

Nikki
Alright,

Do you equate the release of blood through your skin's layers with the releasing of stress?

Is it more the cutting or the means to the end; the drawing of blood to the surface, that often "calms" the situation?

We'll begin with this.

Take care
God Bless
FTM

 
Old 01-10-2007, 12:13 AM   #12
hergy
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: NC, USA
Posts: 860
hergy HB User
Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by forthemasses
Do you equate the release of blood through your skin's layers with the releasing of stress?...Is it more the cutting or the means to the end; the drawing of blood to the surface, that often "calms" the situation?
Boy, that's difficult. I never concsiously separated the two.

The cutting, the injuring itself, satisfies my need to punish, to control my emotions and to feel alive. The distraction and the endorphins are an addictive rush. I hate the scars left behind, that's why I keep searching for more hidden spots. The injury is the stress reliever.

The blood is unrelated to stress relief. I have so many photographs I've taken of the bloody results of my actions. Those reminders, the sight, are almost pleasant, like trophies. When I see the blood, I see my life, my existence. It moves as it exits my body. It's evidence that I'm like everybody else in a way.

Seeing the blood in my pubic area is different. I'm more satisfied with the blood I see pouring in this area. I have to force myself to stop slicing. The pain is arousing and the blood is appealing. I don't want to wipe it away. I stand in front of the mirror and stare. On a small scale, it resembles the torture about which I fantasize. I crave abuse every day.

I have never broken it down like that. I hope this made sense. Seeing my description written down makes me totally feel like a freak. I want to step away from it all. I know it's not normal. All my life, that's all I wanted...to be normal.

I'd appreciate more words of wisdom. Thanks for your interest and sticking with me. That means a lot.

Hugs and thanks,

Nikki

 
Old 01-10-2007, 12:18 AM   #13
hergy
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: NC, USA
Posts: 860
hergy HB User
Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by trg247
My big thing lately is I get the shakes and the only way to stop it is through pain.....Still have the shakes so the focus is keeping my hands busy.
Are you seeing a therapist or psychiatrist, trg? A professional should be made aware of the shaking.

I'm not familiar with that response, so I don't want to lead you in the wrong direction.

I'm in therapy, and, though I don't like to air my private business, I do make her aware when I have a problem with cutting. Symptoms are best laid before someone familiar with PTSD and its affects.

I hope this can help.

Best wishes and hugs,

Nikki

 
Old 01-10-2007, 04:32 AM   #14
Phoenix
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 3,897
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by red_five
Boy, that's difficult. I never concsiously separated the two.

I have never broken it down like that. I hope this made sense. Seeing my description written down makes me totally feel like a freak. I want to step away from it all. I know it's not normal. All my life, that's all I wanted...to be normal.
In order for a person to overcome certain fears, stressors and behaviors, I believe that it is crucial to analyze every angle.

You never consciously seperated the two because you were looking at it from one perspective, when there are many ways to do this. You probably looked at cutting from this point of view and that is where the frustration comes in; the feelings of helplessness and yet pleasure.

Seeing your description makes you feellike a freak; that's interesting and healthy at the same time. Viewing your interpretations caused you to feel; that is progress.

Your wanting to step away from it all shows desire, which is also healthy and "normal."

Let's look at the word normal for a second.

I would break it down like this: you are normal (female,breathe oxygen, exhale carbon dioxide) but your actions can tend to be abnormal.

Can you remember the very first time that you began cutting (surroundings, emotions felt and particular situation)?

If so, write it all down and we will proceed from there.

Take care
God Bless
FTM

 
Old 01-10-2007, 05:11 AM   #15
Phoenix
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 3,897
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by red_five

The cutting, the injuring itself, satisfies my need to punish, to control my emotions and to feel alive. The distraction and the endorphins are an addictive rush. I hate the scars left behind, that's why I keep searching for more hidden spots. The injury is the stress reliever.

The blood is unrelated to stress relief. I have so many photographs I've taken of the bloody results of my actions. Those reminders, the sight, are almost pleasant, like trophies. When I see the blood, I see my life, my existence. It moves as it exits my body. It's evidence that I'm like everybody else in a way.

Seeing the blood in my pubic area is different. I'm more satisfied with the blood I see pouring in this area. I have to force myself to stop slicing. The pain is arousing and the blood is appealing. I don't want to wipe it away. I stand in front of the mirror and stare. On a small scale, it resembles the torture about which I fantasize. I crave abuse every day.
Dear Nikki,

Why the need to punish? Are you still looking at yourself as the little girl or as you are today; the adult?

You stated that cutting helps you control your emotions and feel alive, when the very act suggests "out of control" behavior.

You are fighting a war with yourself and the scars are the end results (in my opinion). Your searching for hidden spots tends to suggest that you want to keep this issue hidden from the outside world. I believe that you posted previously that you do not share every issue with your therapist; we've got to attempt to get you out of this "secretiveness" phase.

When you see the blood, what do you see about your life? What do you think that these "trophies" represent? Why do you feel the need to take pictures, when the scars themselves record history?

Mentally, are you attempting to rid yourself of something "bad or impure" in your body?

The pubic area causes you to perceive things in a different light, as compared to other parts of your body. Would the wiping away of blood signify to you?

These fantasies of torture need to be explored. Arev they dreams or literal day or night fantasies?

Does your cutting usually occur during the day or night?

You crave abuse on a daily basis; why?

I'll leave it there for now.

Take care
God Bless
FTM

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Earliest symptoms/location of lesions jleigh23 Multiple Sclerosis 5 07-15-2010 06:59 AM
Bricanyl, disturbed sleep Geoff B Drug Interactions / Side Effects 0 01-16-2008 08:18 AM
Location,Location,Location Phoenix Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) 43 11-05-2007 12:43 AM
I'm afraid to stop cutting Jess0518 Self-injury Recovery 6 10-11-2007 08:13 PM
Is there something wrong with me mentally?..and i disturbed? Jailyn55 Mental Health 4 10-01-2007 11:47 AM
Dissatisfaction ICC Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) 43 09-22-2007 06:52 AM
Has anyone experienced a node problem in this Location! gospel25514 Lymphomas 2 09-01-2006 02:48 PM
Gall bladder location? robcaryh Gallbladder 4 09-09-2005 05:55 PM
Location of lesions nellie99 Multiple Sclerosis 1 08-12-2004 10:05 PM




Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:05 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2016 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!