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Old 12-30-2006, 09:48 PM   #1
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Question Disturbed

I am currently in therapy and working diligently to break my self injury habit. I was raped as a child and flashbacks were the trigger for the onset of my self injury. I have broken my hand twice, caused several contusions and I've cut my hands, feet and thighs.

In recent months, in an effort to further lessen visible scarring, I have cut my lower abdomen, below my pubic hairline. Unlike other locations I've chosen before, I experience arousal when I cut this area. The arousal is disturbing to me, especially because it's increased by the level of pain I experience. Even though I know it will happen, I like that the scars are well-hidden. I've even shaved lower to make sure the scars are covered.

I'm trying to end this problem, but I've found that seeing myself bleeding in this area is very satisfying. Like a symbol of what I should be. It's as if I'm developing an even more twisted version of my already bad habit. I feel like a freak. I don't need a new addiction, especially since I'm trying to leave the entire world of self injury.

Has anyone experienced or heard of this? Any suggestions on how to send this new addiction out of my head?

Nikki

Last edited by hergy; 12-31-2006 at 03:44 PM.

 
Old 01-04-2007, 04:58 PM   #2
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Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Dear Nikki,

First of all, believe that you are better than this. It is not bigger than you; it is the way in which you perceive it.

The entire "pain bringing pleasure" is psychologically based and this has to be explored.

The proper venue depends on how you perceive it.

I realize that this is a tough subject to post a response to but I am not unnerved.

One thing that must be realized is that there is only an opening of one's epidermal layer. Nothing is actually released.

What comes to mind when you see blood, in general?

If you are puzzled as to where I am going with this, then you are in the right frame of mind.

Take care
God Bless
FTM

 
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Old 01-05-2007, 10:12 AM   #3
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Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

hey, dont feel disgusting-your not! im not exactly the same as you but i do cut my stomach-which is not as common as others-its rather werid but i understand that when you cut somewhere no one sees its like its locked away from everyone else-kept totally private and even you can almost ignore it until it rears its ugly head again. are you getting good help for this??? xox
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Old 01-05-2007, 05:19 PM   #4
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Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by forthemasses
If you are puzzled as to where I am going with this, then you are in the right frame of mind.
FTM,

This is strange. I've never met you before, but when I saw your username under my post, I was embarassed. Wierd, huh? You are a brave man.

And, yes, I'm TOTALLY PUZZLED. Where are you going with this? I really want to know. The parts that didn't puzzle me made a lot of sense.

Thanks and hugs,

Nikki

 
Old 01-05-2007, 05:22 PM   #5
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Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by pucca_chick
hey, dont feel disgusting-your not! im not exactly the same as you but i do cut my stomach-which is not as common as others-its rather werid but i understand that when you cut somewhere no one sees its like its locked away from everyone else-kept totally private and even you can almost ignore it until it rears its ugly head again. are you getting good help for this??? xox
Thanks. It helps to know I'm not alone. I am getting help, but I have to want to quit. When something damaging begins to bring greater pleasure, it's hard to want to stop.

I'm working on it.

How are you doing?

Grateful hugs,

Nikki

 
Old 01-06-2007, 01:40 AM   #6
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Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by red_five
FTM,

This is strange. I've never met you before, but when I saw your username under my post, I was embarassed. Wierd, huh? You are a brave man.

And, yes, I'm TOTALLY PUZZLED. Where are you going with this? I really want to know. The parts that didn't puzzle me made a lot of sense.
Dear Nikki,

I think too deep for my own good at times and I wanted to see if there was any correlation between seeing the blood and tying it to specific events in your life. I have been known to "go deeper than the Grim Reaper" at times but that is me.

I look at doing drugs to the point of wanting to make my heart stop (in the past)as being a form of self injury,bulemia and cutting myself to write a letter in my own blood(suffered a nervous breakdown when my brother passed in 1990) a form of self injury. There is also "psychological self injury."

Nikki,

We are all adults here but if it makes you uncomfortable to speak about certain things with me and you would feel better speaking to another woman, I understand. Please let me know and I will honor your request.

Take care
God Bless
FTM

Last edited by Phoenix; 01-06-2007 at 01:47 AM.

 
Old 01-06-2007, 07:51 AM   #7
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Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

hey-glad your getting help-is it CBT??? whats it like if you are doing it?? i know what you mean about wanting to quit. its so easy for the doc tio sit and say not to do it, keep your hands busy-but its not like that. how can they be angry when your in so much pain, and you know that there is something within your reach that will alleviate it within minutes??? its hard, i think we just have to realise its not a way to live. and of course, sometimes as the depression lifts-so does SH. but ehers hoping , good luck, xox
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they are my own
And i am never broken

 
Old 01-07-2007, 12:09 PM   #8
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Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by forthemasses
We are all adults here but if it makes you uncomfortable to speak about certain things with me and you would feel better speaking to another woman, I understand. Please let me know and I will honor your request.
You're awesome, FTM. I'm not uncomfortable communicating with you, it's just that I had never encountered you on the SI board and, I don't know, I just felt wierd.

But it's ok. What you're saying is very interesting. Don't stop. You've had some terrible things happen to you, so I feel confident that you can shed some light in my bedarkened SI world.

I wish you well in your own climb toward a better sense of well-being and look forward to more of your insight.

Hugs,

Nikki

 
Old 01-07-2007, 12:21 PM   #9
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Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by pucca_chick
...is it CBT???....its so easy for the doc tio sit and say not to do it, keep your hands busy-but its not like that....i think we just have to realise its not a way to live. and of course, sometimes as the depression lifts-so does SH.
Thanks, pucca_chick. I think we share a similar frame of mind. You're right, it's not a way to live.

But tearing paper and hitting a pillow aren't satisfying at all. But I'm going to try a punching bag. I can direct my anger and get toned at the same time. And I'll be sure to get some important instructions on how to not injure myself by throwing a wild punch.

By the way, what's CBT?

Hugs,

Nikki

 
Old 01-07-2007, 12:22 PM   #10
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Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by pucca_chick
...is it CBT???....its so easy for the doc tio sit and say not to do it, keep your hands busy-but its not like that....i think we just have to realise its not a way to live. and of course, sometimes as the depression lifts-so does SH.
Thanks, pucca_chick. I think we share a similar frame of mind. You're right, it's not a way to live.

But tearing paper and hitting a pillow aren't satisfying at all. But I'm going to try a punching bag. I can direct my anger and get toned at the same time. And I'll be sure to get some important instructions on how to not injure myself by throwing a wild punch.

By the way, what's CBT?

Hugs,

Nikki

 
Old 01-07-2007, 12:24 PM   #11
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Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by pucca_chick
...is it CBT???....its so easy for the doc tio sit and say not to do it, keep your hands busy-but its not like that....i think we just have to realise its not a way to live. and of course, sometimes as the depression lifts-so does SH.
Thanks, pucca_chick. I think we share a similar frame of mind. You're right, it's not a way to live.

But tearing paper and hitting a pillow aren't satisfying at all. But I'm going to try a punching bag. I can direct my anger and get toned at the same time. And I'll be sure to get some important instructions on how to not injure myself by throwing a wild punch.

By the way, what's CBT?

Hugs,

Nikki

 
Old 01-08-2007, 12:26 AM   #12
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Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by forthemasses
The entire "pain bringing pleasure" is psychologically based and this has to be explored.
One thing that must be realized is that there is only an opening of one's epidermal layer. Nothing is actually released.

What comes to mind when you see blood, in general?
Nothing is "released", except blood (depending on how deep one injure's self).

Are you up for the recall?

Take care
God Bless
FTM

 
Old 01-09-2007, 11:23 AM   #13
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Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by forthemasses
Are you up for the recall?
Bring it on. I'd rather be disturbed in the light than confused in the darkness.

Nikki

 
Old 01-09-2007, 01:51 PM   #14
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Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

CBT - is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

I scared myself during the last cutting session so have done everything not to go back to it. It has been a week but I guess it is a start.


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Old 01-09-2007, 06:40 PM   #15
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Re: Disturbed about cutting in new location

Quote:
Originally Posted by trg247
CBT - is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy...I scared myself during the last cutting session so have done everything not to go back to it. It has been a week but I guess it is a start.
Thanks for solving my CBT mystery.

I've scared myself one too many times, as well.

A week is GREAT, trg! Don't underestimate the importance of your intentions.

I'm trying to stop, too, but it's not easy at all. I'm stuck to it on several levels - the pain, the punishment, the distraction, the rush, the enlivening feeling, the need to see the blood. There's a lot behind the problem.

It doesn't go away easily, but you can do it. You're worth having that peace.

Hugs,

Nikki

 
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