I am desperate
to remove my scars. I was a cutter for sixteen years (from age 9 to age 25, I am now about to turn 27)
My scars are very
noticible - and I have them covering almost all of my extremities (shoulder to wrist and thigh to ankle) - both
sides. I have been self injury free for about a year and a half, and am confident I have recovered.. I do not
see myself ever going back to that.. EVER
.. But, my scars really
intrude on my life. I am unable to wear shorts at all, and being that I live in Texas, that really sucks.
I have not worn shorts in several years. And that is odd when everyone else is in shorts.. I cannot do things that I used to do - like going swimming, or get a message with anyone other then my one massage therapist who has seen my scars and I trust her. I cannot get pedicures, because they ask questions - and people look. They try not to, but they do.. I find my scars affecting my work - as I have to wear uniform shirts, and well - there is only so much I can do to "hide" my scars, and those I cannot hide - well, they stay visible. Which, while nobody has asked me questions - I get many
looks. I am constantly aware of how I hold my body - maybe if I hold my arm this way, or turn that way - things will be less noticible. I dont know if that works, but I know that it's a very hard thing to keep up, very humiliating - very shameful. I teach pre-school, so I not only deal with kids (who DO
ask questions), but I deal with their parents (who clearly wonder) and then I deal with my employers and fellow staff members. It is - very angersome and humiliating. It is so hard to escape a past, when it literally
stares you (and everyone else) in the face day in and day out. It's hard to have true self acceptance, and my scars affect every
area of my life. It just perpetuates alot of shame about how I could ever think so badly about myself and harbor so many negative emotions that I could ever do that to myself.
I have tried about every cream, ointment, etc., out there .. And nothing has ever worked. I have been told that surgery is probably my only option.
But A) It's expensive, and it would only be a miracle that a surgeon would help me pro-bono and B) Does it even work?
I just get frustrated and sad, and angry and sometimes depressed about it all ... Help, anyone?