So, I have been doing really well with cutting for about a month now. The problem is, when I'm not cutting, I'm drinking. When I'm not thinking about cutting, I'm thinking about drinking. "Something to make the pain go away" Today, when I got home from work, I opened up the bottle of Vodka and drank a big wine glass full. Now, I feel like cutting. Instead, I'm gettin on here. Waiting for my rush to die down. I feel like I have been waiting for my entire life for it to "die down". I know I'm going to cut at some point today. It's only 2:37 and my urge is strong. I've been thinking about what is making me feel this way. The list is endless. I'm sick of being sick. I have Bi-polar disorder- OCD- and am also suffering from PTSD. I am planning my wedding (minus my father) and trying to mend my relationship with my mom, while ontop of it all, trying to stay ontop of things at work and keep my fiance happy. I don't eat anymore because I dont want to get gain weight. I have a hard time going to sleep. Lately I need a lot more attention from my fiance than usual. I feel bad for him. I dont know that I show him how much I appreciate him enough.
I don't know. I can't even gather my thoughts. My mind is racing. Endless thoughts. I just want to be with my fiance and make him happy. He tells me he's happy but I keep looking into the future and seeing him, dealing with me and my addiction to cutting, suffering, being unhappy but not wanting to leave me because he would be worried I would cut worse than ever and kill myself.
Talking more to my mom has been weird. She is trying to be all about the wedding now all of a sudden. I'm accepting it but I still have foul feelings about our relationship that I can't talk to her about because it will get turned around on me inevitabley.
I''m not at all happy with myself. I have been going to the gym every night. I'm 5'5" and I weigh 135. This, to me, is huge. I don't feel sexy or attractive in the slightest which is affecting my sex life with my fiance.
I really just feel like I'm a mess. I am trying to stay busy but my body is done fighting it. I just want to give in and give UP
Jess, you are really in need of some support here. I can't remember why you don't want to go or can't go to a therapist but I think you really need one. You mentioned that you have PTSD. That (the PTSD board) is a very supportive board here who will take you right in. This board is more quiet. I have to run out the door right now but I know Beka is over on the PTSD board now and others come there frequently.
Your fiance loves you and so does his family! Trying to stay busy might be just running from your feelings. Please commit yourself to posting here daily, especially the PTSD board and you can work through these issues.
Jess, how are you today? I am so sorry that I had to leave yesterday when you really needed someone to talk to!
You know, Jess, when I was working through my issues my husband stayed right by my side and supported me the whole way. I am sure that your fiance will do the same, okay! Your dad abandoned you but I am sure that your fiance and his family are with you for the long haul and if you commit to getting over all of this you will! I solved so many issues and so can you because you are smart!!!!!!