It occurred to me that, while providing answers to a therapist as to why I choose to injure myself, I cannot cover every aspect, every reason. Those things I can't recall in a therapist's office, of course, come to mind outside the walls of that cell of reason.
I 'officially' quit SI a couple of months ago. I threw away my 'kit' along with a letter I had written. About a month later, as my mental health declined and impulses became hard to control, I relapsed, choosing a different form of injury. Sustaining second degree burns, my doctor recently told me that I'll have the deep red scars on my thigh permanently. Somehow that news wasn't upsetting.
Tonight, still not out of the depressed, confused state I've been in for quite some time, I cut again. Alone, I could feel the cold, empty pain I've been trying to ignore. I looked at my burn scars with a fleeting thought of how I'll feel when hitting the beach this summer, that's when the scar news hit me. (Funny how vanity and sunshine can creep into the darkest thoughts.)
Tonight, the physical pain and blood were friends. The blood kept me company - a moving, living entity touching my skin, giving me comfort. The pain made me know I'm alive. I took a couple of photos as I have in the past.
I'm not a defeatist. I've had two relapses without even a month in between. I've resisted. But not tonight.
Stay strong, guys, and thanks for reading my post. Lots of people don't get this problem at all. Don't listen to their crap. Their words actually make me want to hurt myself. You're not alone.
I was wondering as I was reading your post if you have ever put your thoughts and pain in a poem or something like that. Im not saying it will fix everything that is wrong, but it might help you vent. I can relate with you in some ways, I have done self injury for 18 yrs.
What sort of things? Just ignorant things, condescending. Things that make you want to turn your head to face the friend that understands. When I'm not in a proper frame of mind, that friend is SI.
Strangely, no one prompted my feelings this time. It was the discomfort of the toxic soup my brain has been floating in for too long. Feeling the blood travel down my leg, I felt the company of the movement. I cut so deep that I know I've given myself another scar for which I'll be ashamed on the beach.
Ducky,
I've written quite a bit. I've got 10 books, 15 years worth of journals in the form of poetry. The extreme, the severity, has become a craving. I'm sure you understand. The damage reaches so many levels.
I have put my head into college right now. I am a little late in the college department, but I want to do something right for once. Drowning myself into a college book and forgetting everything that bothers me, that works for now. I know that I have to do something about my self injury some day, just not sure whats the right road to be on. That helps to have some way to vent your feelings. Stay strong
Ducky78
That means a lot to me. I know how much it must take out of you right now to reach out, so I'm reaching back. I appreciate your presence again. I'm not uncomfortable.
I'm glad you were outside that room. It seems that experience hit me harder than I thought. I'm having more trouble with related issues again. That's really discouraging because I was doing so much better. Almost at the same time, I needed a medicine change. Brain chemistry puts everything else in the back seat, but those back seat kids don't stop fighting. I was put on a new medication yesterday, Effexor XR. The Zoloft just isn't doing the trick anymore. I'm hoping the Effexor will kick butt with the depression and OCD. I need at least a little brain ammunition to fight the other crap. My bipolar meds have been working pretty well for the past few years. That's sort of a record for me.
I'm pushing myself right now to stay out of depression's black hole. It's so easy to isolate myself. I have no interest in anything right now. I don't even like to watch TV, clean my room, take a shower, nothing. I've got a pen and ink to do for a guy who's giving it as a wedding gift. I've got to get on it, but my motivation and inspiration are under some rock in the back of my head. I've got a few coloring books and a photo shoot waiting, too. I'm glad I've got a line-up. It gives me stuff to which I can look forward. It's all just coming at a bad time. Or maybe it's just what I need.
Thanks so much, FTM. I've missed you. You've stepped up at the right time. I appreciate that.
Wow, that's strange how we're both in a similar funk. I was on Effexor before my breakdown in December 2005. I had just moved back down here, so the doctors didn't know me well enough to know that taking me off of Effexor wasn't what I needed. I sure hope it does the trick. And I hope it does the trick for you, too.
The guy I mentioned in my previous post isn't a problem. He lives in Michigan and I've done a pen and ink for him before. I became acquainted with him on the photo site I frequent. All is cool with that.
I did, however, meet a guy in the hospital where I made the mistake of exchanging email addresses. He's bipolar. Bipolar men tend to clam up tightly with regard to their feelings. I broke through his wall in the hospital, and mine started to crumble. I favored him and we had a very difficult time when I left. We both cried, and he never shows such emotion.
I don't bond emotionally with men, so, even if the relationship was a healthy one, it would be a very long time before I felt the way he does now. I wanted to be his friend. But I'm attracted to him, too. Plus, I can't help but like the attention he gives me since he's attracted to me, as well, and lets me know it.
Everything about the relationship is just not good. I wouldn't normally put myself in this kind of situation, but I already knew him well before we started emailing.
His wife just left him, he has 2 kids, he's younger, he's avoiding therapy because he talks to me. He's ready to start talking on the phone instead of just emailing, next comes a meeting outside the confines of the strangeness of a hospital. I don't want children, his wife leaving is what landed him in the hospital, I can't bond (with anyone, especially men), and I'm starting to have a jekyl and hyde problem. The real me has compassion. I don't want to hurt him or leave him out in the cold. But I can't move past my problem with power. I still want power over men. I'm not ready for a relationship. So I'm playing with fire. I spoke to my therapist yesterday about it. She said it's good that I realize my current limitations, but that I need to let him know I'm not ready. I've never gotten close enough to a guy to have to do this, so I'm full of anxiety. He's a person. I don't want to hurt him.
Sorry about the long post. It's hard to put the intensity of this relationship in a nutshell.
Thanks, FTM. (I'd LOVE a guy's point of view on this one.)
Are you attracted to him for both his physical and intellectual attributes?
From what you described, it seems that he already has a lot of situations to deal with. You wrote:
"His wife just left him, he has 2 kids, he's younger, he's avoiding therapy because he talks to me. He's ready to start talking on the phone instead of just emailing, next comes a meeting outside the confines of the strangeness of a hospital. I don't want children, his wife leaving is what landed him in the hospital, I can't bond (with anyone, especially men), and I'm starting to have a jekyl and hyde problem. The real me has compassion. I don't want to hurt him or leave him out in the cold. But I can't move past my problem with power. I still want power over men. I'm not ready for a relationship. So I'm playing with fire. I spoke to my therapist yesterday about it. She said it's good that I realize my current limitations, but that I need to let him know I'm not ready. I've never gotten close enough to a guy to have to do this, so I'm full of anxiety. He's a person. I don't want to hurt him."
It seems that neither of you are quite ready for a "meaningful" relationship. When you equate emotions into the picture, anything is possible.
The thing with relationships is that they are like snowflakes; no two are exactly the same and depending upon varying factors(living life on life's terms) things could really get complicated.
I realize that the attention can become addictive but realize that the timing is way off.
The potentiality for both of you to self destruct is clearly evident and it is good that you see this.
Breaking through with emotions is healthy and also an indicator of you progressing but it can also be a sign of vulnerability.
It is better to let him down easily now than to let this go further and both of you end up with regrets in the near future.
There is nothing wrong with setting the tone.
You are in control as long as you stand firm. There must be no wavering.
You have a way with words and I am sure that you will find a gentle way of bringing your thoughts to the table.
Have you ever looked at the possibility that this could be a "rebound" relationship he wants to start because he is hurting?
Have you ever looked at the possibility that this could be a "rebound" relationship he wants to start because he is hurting?
Definitely! I thought that from the very beginning, when we were still in the hospital.
I've never ventured far enough into a relationship to have to worry about stepping back, so I wasn't afraid. I figured we'd be close in the hospital, but let it end there. We didn't.
You're way right about the timing. This whole thing should never have happened.
I am attracted to his physical and intellectual attributes. He's quite a gentleman. But even if he wasn't on the rebound and didn't have kids, knowing I can't connect emotionally right now would only make me feel like a spider trapping a fly in its web.
Basically, we've gotten as close as we have so fast because of the very bad variables that would be our downfall.
I will let him know where I stand. I just really don't want to hurt him. He's as vulnerable as I am right now.
Thanks so much, FTM. I appreciate your point of view on this.
What are the numbers after my name(2992***)?...Are you sending me a message in code?
FTM,
I don't understand your questions here. Numbers? Code? If your referring to my irregular posts, I've been struggling lately since I'm switching meds, trying to climb out of depression, so my concentration isn't what it should be. I've sort of been running from deep conversations. You always ask such loaded questions. I run from those first.
What do I want out of life?
In short, what I want is to be independent, even if I never feel like I fit in. There are people close to me and not so close that think well of me. That does mean something to me. If they like who I am, then I fit into something. I'm just struggling with feeling that.
I'm so suspicious and distrustful that I fail to benefit from others' well wishes, compliments and love. That's leaving me empty. I climb inside myself, hate who I am, but wish I could be the person others see.
Sorry for my absence. I've just had so little interest in the things I used to enjoy that all I want to do is forget everything.
Love,
Nikki
(BTW, my relationship with the guy from the hospital is basically flattening out. He immerses himself in work to forget his problems, so I assume that's what he's doing. We haven't been communicating and I'm definitely not going to try to ignite anything.)
where I made the mistake of exchanging email addresses. He's bipolar. Bipolar men tend to clam up tightly with regard to their feelings. I broke through his wall in the hospital, and mine started to crumble. I favored him and we had a very difficult time when I left. We both cried, and he never shows such emotion. 
