So tonght I was sitting at work with the familiar feeling in my chest thinking of nothing other than cutting. I then thought back to here. I really was thinking what could help me to ease myself without giving into the action that I was clearing craving. I reached over and got a legal pad out of my desk drawer (my fingertips briefly running against the blades of my scissors) and began writing. I'm about to share word for word what I wrote. Warning: It's a little long-
Upset-******-sad-hurt- about my dad still not calling me. I mean I know
I told him not to call but I didn't mean it. Of course i didn't. I don't really want him our of my life. I just want all of the lies, broken promises, alcoholic tendancies out of my life. I feel like he just used me for an address once he got out of prison. It's just a little fishy when you have absolutely no relationship with me my entire childhood and then when you're in prison you want to start mending relationships. Given I was the one to take the first step and write him a letter. From that point on, it seemed like I'd received a letter from him daily and my life and emotions revolved around him and the letters. His wife abandoned him and actually became a stripper, met someone new and got pregnant him less than 2 months after he went in. She lied to him and me repeatedly about what she was doing but he eventually received the divorce papers. He swore up and down he was done with her. He wanted to be a better dad to me. ****, he just wanted to be a dad to me. To help my fiance and I out with our finances if needed, be f=there for me to talk to. I eventually offered for him to come stay with us when he got out. He had been hinting about it and he really needed a physical address before they would let him out. So I broke down, talked with my fiance and decided to let him come. That was a really big step for me. Mind you, I over the 10 months or so that we had been writing back and forth, I had lost my job ( given it was at hooters -I was only 19- ) b/c I was helping his ex-wife through stuff for him ( which is yet another long story) and it was clear that I have somewhat let my guard down. Trust wise. He made so many promises to help with the wedding and just be a dad. I remember saying to my fiance and soon to be mother in law I just wasnt sure if I should trust him. It was to hard to forgive him. They would say "Just give him a chance." or "Don't be so negative." after a while I let that sink in and that just what I did, I gave him a change. A chance to mend a daughter's broken heart. He did nothing but run right back over it. Moving on- When we began the planning for the wedding officially, I got all the parents together to discuss finances. Who was putting how much in basically. Well, my dad was the first to step up. He said his amount and everyone put in accordingly. As the planning went on, my dad never came through with a penny. He repeatedly says he have some money for me next week or we should go to lunch and he will give me some money then.Still nothing. Nearly 3 months into the planning, he still hasn't come through with anything. He's blown me off and made excuses. No effort toward anything. I hate him. I let my guard down and I have that. I trusted him again and he screwed me over again. So I guess that's why I'm so upset tonight. OHHHH!!!! Not to mention, he is now back with his ex wife who miscarried the first baby she was pregnant with, got pregnant again with a DIFFERENT guy than the previous,had the baby, lied about who the dad is as I just recently found out, s pregnant AGAIN to have the baby in June. Which cannot be my dad's because he was snipped after his last kid 9 years ago. Yet he is acting as a father to them. Which leaves the question that's been haunting me my entire life. "What's wrong with ME?" "Why not ME?"
So that's all I wrote. It's all mumbled so probably hard to read and underrstand. I know it seems like a Jerry Springer episode. Oh you have no idea! It sounds awful but that's not even the worst of it all!
Thanks for reading eveyone. Hope all is well.
Jess, did it help for you to write this? I hope it did! I am so glad that you thought about this site and writing when you were in distress! I am also glad that you figured out what was bothering you and were able to express it. I am really sorry about your dad. You know, his behavior only tells me things about him, it tells me nothing about you. I would think that your dad cannot be a good dad because he can't even take care of himself. Jess, he has a lot of problems. His problems have no reflection on your self worth! Jess, you are so valuable. You are so smart and sensitive. You have a wonderful fiance and his family sounds great. His family is really open with your dad even with his problems. They sound wonderful. I hope you keep doing this when you are in distress!