I'm afraid to stop cutting. I know if I stop, I will start something else. I have been known to drink to much and stop eating all together, I still have those mannorisms while I'm cutting but they seem to be much worse when I'm not cutting. I fear that I will drink myself to death one of these times. Or have kidney failure from not eating. I feel like cutting is my most safe outlet. Why can't I seem to find something healthy to turn to? I've tried writing, working out, drawing, nothing helps to keep my mind of things. So, why quit? Isn't cutting better than drinking or not eating excessively? On the flip side, what if when I stop cutting, I start eating too much? I don't want to gain weight. I would freak out even more. Then that would lead me back to cutting. Then I would be fat and still a cutter. I feel like I can't win.
Jess, it's a journey and you aren't going to get there tomorrow. I really wish that you would get into counseling. There is a way out of all of this for you, you just need to find your way. Expressing all of those feelings is part of it and figuring out what is going on with you is another. IMO you will not do those unhelpful/harmful behaviors once you get healthier. You will get healthier if you keep working on it. How are you today?
Cutting, drinking, restricting? You sound like me. When I tried to stop cutting I began drinking. When I quit that I began restricting. My therapist said I had to start eating or else I'd be hospitalized, so yep, I got really depressed and wanted to start cutting again.
I'm obviously not 100% better, so I can't offer you a miracle cure. But therapy is helping me. It is good to have somebody who listens unconditionally. One thing my therapist suggests is countering my thoughts. When I feel I have to cut or starve, etc. I ask myself "why?" and then try to think of sensible reasons to counter the behavior. I still slip, but this has helped me many times.
I finally found a support group I feel comfortable with, too. I've tried several different groups, but they didn't fit right. You may want to look online for a group you can attend. You may find that people are going through similar things and they can offer caring, empathetic suggestions.
Thank you two. Im to weary to go back into therapy. Aside from that, I cant afford it, I know I should but I hate reliving everything. Afterall, thats why I am where I am. Reliving those things can only make me worse. I just want to bury everything.
Today Im not so good. I left work early because I havent been feeling well. I think Im getting some kind of bug-lovely- I hate my supervisor at work shes an idiot and I have 0 respect for her. I left work just barely holding back the tears and the first step outside I LOST IT. I became hysterical. All I wanted to do was cut but instead, I called my fiance and vented to him about everything that had happened today and he informed me he would be home in about and hour and I work about 35 min from home so he was home shortly after I was. The thought of me putting another scar on my body and having to see the look in his eyes when he saw that, held me back today. If only that worked everyday. I guess I should take it "One day at a time" as the hopspital told me last June. It just doesnt seem to work like that for me. I dont know if any of you suffer from bi-polar disorder but I do and my racing thoughts are OUT OF CONTROL. I overanalyze every little thing. I know everyone does but mine really is just out of control.
I hate reliving everything. Afterall, thats why I am where I am. Reliving those things can only make me worse. I just want to bury everything.
Dearest Jess, no burying everything will not work. If you go to therapy and "relive" everything you can let the issues GO. Yes, working through this stuff will allow you to release it and let it go. Burying it will just allow it to continue to smolder and drive you crazy.
I am glad that you called your fiance and talked to him about all of this when you needed that.
Reliving those things can only make me worse. I just want to bury everything....I dont know if any of you suffer from bi-polar disorder but I do and my racing thoughts are OUT OF CONTROL. I overanalyze every little thing. I know everyone does but mine really is just out of control.
I self injure and have bipolar disorder. I also have OCD and PTSD. The whirling thoughts of bipolar disorder are enough to push anyone over the edge on their own. I do empathize with you. I'm a rapid cycler. I have no 'normal' phase, so I'm either up or down, no in-between.
You said, "I just want to bury everything." You are - in your flesh. I've got some deep gashes in my thigh that have been bleeding for 3 days so far. I thought, at the time, that I stored quite a bit of pain in those holes in my leg. Turns out, the emotional pain is still there, and now I've got fleshly scars as a reminder.
Counselling will move you to bring up some things you'd rather not, but it's not as if those things aren't already floating freely in your head. That's why you indulge in self-destructive behaviors.
It's hard to do the 'one-day-at-a-time' thing when you're in a hurry to get better. A lot of bipolar people are overachievers who have high expectations about how their lives should be. My high expectations didn't fit into the one-day-at-a-time solution. I ended up having a breakdown in December 2005. I'm still working things out.
You're going to have to work things out at some point. Overeating, overdrinking and SI aren't healthy ways to deal with the pain. Counselling can be a scary thought, but, trust me, it's a scarier thought than a scary reality. A good therapist isn't going to push you to discuss anything you don't want to.
You can do this. Getting help will be your first step toward grabbing the control you feel you've lost. Control feels good. You need it.
No, no, no. I agree with Sannah, and Jess, you've got to stop. I'm only 28, and a divorced mother of two from MS, but I've been diagnosed with everything from ocd w/ depression to bi-polar, adhd, and ocd. I've never really hurt myself on purpose, but I have thought long and hard about it (while also abusing any drug you can think of, engaging in extremely high-risk behavior, being arrested, and losing 1/3 of my body weight due to these behaviors). The only thing that kept me from doing it was self-confidence. I couldn't stand the thought of anyone seeing scars or finding out what I'd done, even though I knew it would take some of the pain away, even for a little while. I've never been abused (as a child), thankfully, but I do come from strong genes for addiction and mental instabillity; so I have an idea of what you're going through-I am BAD about replacing one addiction with another. Just don't cut-please. You're too beautiful, too smart, too intelligent to let your wonderful body show the outward signs of your inward pain. I know that all the hiding, scars, explaining, etc., has got to make life even more difficult for you. Doesn't it? The pain may go away one day (God willing!), but those scars will be a constant reminder. None of us need a constant reminder. Find a good therapist, and maybe it won't be so scary (mine is government-funded, too). My therapist makes me laugh all the time; it's just like she's a smart girlfriend. Hang in there. Your fiance obviously sees something wonderful about you; so you should too. Good luck.