Somni Divine

Cher,
Did you read the thread about the physical cause/cure? I'd be interested in what you think.
I was in therapy for a lot of years too, and one of the best Psychiatrists I ever had ignored the cutting every time. See, she knew then what I know now - although I would have denied it then - she knew it was just a symptom of what was wrong inside. She saw it. I made sure she saw it. So, I started thinking "why is it so important for me to have her see and aknowledge this?" and the answer, I think, was that I wanted her to acknowlege that she could see my pain. But in her great wisdom, she knew that if she said she saw it, it would get worse. I know that because I stopped going to her for a while, and started going to a psychologist, who noticed when I cut and always wanted to talk about it. Instead of getting better, I got worse. One day I carved the word "SEE" on my arm. If that wasn't obvious as to what I was doing and why, I don't know what is. I wanted someone to SEE my pain, that I hurt so bad I was hurting myself, I wanted someone to care. And I felt like you do. I could have written everything you have written, every word of it. You are not alone in your feelings. But you are wrong about your life not being worth living. See - once you get through this, (and by trying to get help, I know you will get through this) then you will be able to help others who feel just like you do. I hope and pray that somehow, through something I say, I can touch your heart, and make you know that your life is very much worth living indeed. And that all the cutting in the world will not make anyone else able to see your pain, or understand it any better than you do -I believe there is ONE person who understands you better than you understand yourself, and that is GOD. I don't want to sound preachy, tacky, religious, or any of that - but quite seriously, that song kids sing in Sunday school is true -- Jesus loves you. He loves you so much that he died for you. He took the pain for you. The hard part is letting Him take it. He is willing to take it for you, you just have to be willing to give it to Him, and that is hard when you know that He doesn't deserve it and you do.
I don't know if you can relate to those kinds of thoughts at all. I don't know if you think about God much. But if you don't, give it a try. If you don't think He is real, tell Him - He knows anyway, and ask Him to give you what you need. No human, not a shrink, not a lover, not a family member, no human will ever be able to understand and love you like the God who made you. And I believe that once you really understand that, it will set you free from a lot of your struggles. That was one of the first things that helped me, and another I wrote about in the thread I asked if you read.
I want you to know that you DO matter, and that your pain is real, and you can make it through it. The only one who needs to see it and know about it is God, and you don't have to make a mark on yourself to get his help, and to get it immediately! Try a two word prayer: "Jesus, help!" or "Jesus, help me!" --That prayer has been answered in my life more times than I can count. But you have to be willing to ask for help from the one source that really can give you all of the help that you need.
Sorry if that sounds preachy -- it is just that I know it is true, and I care about you, and can relate to all of the feelings you wrote about. You are not the only one who has felt like that. There is a reason that you are still here. There is a reason you "can't get it [doing yourself in] right" and the reason is God wants you here for something. So, why don't you try and find out what it is? Ask Him. Don't be shy with Him. He is the One who made sure you got here, and that makes Him the one to ask why, in my opinion. And you know what? If you ask Him, and are open to the answer, you may be very, very surprised.
I know that you CAN get through this if you want to.
I did.
I used to hate myself, I used to cut and burn myself, I used to do horrible things to myself. Things I don't even want to write. Things that I used to think no one else, or no one in their right mind would ever do. But I assure you, you are sane, you are here for a reason, and you don't have to keep cutting - you don't. There is a way to stop. Like San says, you have to figure it out, what makes you start, and that in itself can be like painful surgery without anesthetic. Believe me, I know you know this, but maybe it will help to read it, life is painful enough without doing things to add to the pain. I believe you are trying to take away the pain when you cut. I believe that pain is probably your "trigger". Emotional pain, bad memories, thoughts you feel guilty for having, things you feel you should be punished for, things like that probably make you start cutting unless I am way off base. If I am, let me know. Pain makes you start to hurt yourself.
Now imagine this - instead of picking up something that made you hurt worse, you could pick up something that took away the pain, the guilt, the shame, and the thoughts that lead you there. Would you pick it up, or would you pass, and pick up something to hurt yourself anyway? That is an important question. Because if you would pass it up, it means you have a lot of guilt and shame and stuff you are carrying around and just wish you could cut out of yourself. Been there, done that too. That is where to start figuring it all out. When you get the urge, ask God to help you not do it, and to help you understand WHY you want to. Trust me, it is the MORE painful choice. And yet, it is the choice that will begin to set you free. Communicate with your Creator - remember you are here because He wants you to be, and with His help, you can not only figure this all out, you can be set free from it. I promise. It's been years now since I have cut, or burned or done anything intentionally self injurious along those lines. And I am forty. I did it since I was maybe twelve or thirteen -- maybe even younger. I remember the first time. Do you?
I have been in the hospital - had to go because of what I did to myself more than once.
Once I nicked an artery. I had to drive myself at 3AM to the ER and told them it was "barbed wire". But there was obviously something in me that wanted to live (even though I hated that part of me even more than the part that didn't at the time). Cher, something in you wants to live too. Even if you hate that small glimmer of hope you have. Even if you are afraid that if you let it grow at all something will happen to take it away, so you keep it burried, and starved, it is still there. And if there was hope for me, there is hope for you, I KNOW that. I would like to be your friend, if you would allow me to. Because I like you. I like your honesty, and your openess, and I like it that you are trying despite the fact that trying to just take another breath sometimes takes everything you have and you probably wonder why you bother. I can tell you are a very likable person - I like you. And I want you to find the freedom from the pain that I have found. I want you to be able to say that you would choose the cure over the pain. Let's call the thing I wrote about having a choice to pick up "X" right now. And let's call the things you pick up or do to hurt yourself "Y", just to make it easy. You can remember "Y" stands for YOU - for what you probably would choose. But that is what I hope you will think about. You can send me a private message, or you can post here (or you can ignore me!) but I really am wondering if you could pick up X next time, and know it would take away the pain, the guilt, the shame, the bad thoughts, memories, all of the bad, or you could pick up Y tell me which one you would pick up and why. If they both were readily available and equally accessible. Think about it next time you get that urge, if you do (and I hope you won't) and don't forget to think about which you would pick, and why. Maybe you should carry a notebook you can write about it in right when it happens - right when you would have that choice.
And maybe when you are finished writing everything that you think and feel, then and there, it will be a step that helps you. I think it will. You can write it just for yourself. You can write it to yourself. Me, I write to God a lot of times, because then at least I can sense someone listening - someone Who cares. You might want to try that, just writing to Him in a moment like that. Even if you are an atheist, or an agnostic, whatever you believe, just try writing to Him even if you think he is about as real as Santa ... and see what happens. And if you feel like it, you can post about it, or email me about it, or like I said, you can write me off and ignore me --. I just want to tell you how to take some actions I think will start to help you. Everyone is different - and yet everyone is made by the same Creator, who not only must have "thought it was a good idea at the time" but HE STILL thinks it is a good idea that you are around, or you wouldn't be. So the thing is then is to figure out what it is that He sees that you don't. There has to be something there, right? It isn't just that you would "rather bear those ills [you] have, than flee to others that you know not of" as Shakespeare made Hamlet reflect. Although that may be part of it, there is a bigger and better reason you are here than you can even imagine right now and I want for you to find out what it is!! So does the Guy who made you! So anyway there's my couple a cents, let me know how you are doing and I will say some prayers for you, hoping that you can feel them make a difference in your life. Stick with it -- it is all worthwhile -- your life is like a book, and you just haven't got to the good part yet -- don't put it down until you get there - for all we know, it could be the next page!!! Okay? I know it is going to get better. I hope I didn't say anything to offend or hurt you, or anyone, but if I did, let me know. I just want you to know I am writing from experience, and experience that sounds very, very similar to yours. I once was lost too ... and it feels really good to be "found". It took a lot, it was quite a journey, but now I can honestly say that I wouldn't change any of it, because I know it was all for a reason -- the reason is getting to "the good part of the book". You will get there ...you said you want to change, and that is all it takes is even the smallest glimmer of desire. Nothing has been wasted that can't be restored. You will understand once you get to that part of the book. The main thing is not to stop in the middle! You will make it and you will get better because you want to, and because that is the purpose of "the book" I keep using as an analogy being written in the first place.