How do you handle things if what's making you SI is something that you can't make yourself talk to your therapist about? It's something that's so horrible, and awful and self demeaning you've never been able to say it out loud to anyone since it happened to you? But yet when the demons flood your mind and the memories are all you can think of you cut to make them go away...Because what if saying it outloud makes you think of it more instead of making it go away? And then you have to cut more and more to make the memories stop?
Please, I ask you from the deepest of my heart. Don't cut yourself anymore. I know its hard. I have been there. I have done all. I have scars on my arm to show it but I'm not proud of it.
I understand maybe you want to get away from the memories and try to distract yourself by cutting but that's not the solution.
I'll tell you how I stop before. I use to hate, hate everything but one day I say, why, why do I hate so much. what is the reason for my hate and anger. I wrote it down, sort it out and under each one, I try to find a solution for them. Once you find the source, you will be able to stop hurting.
Next time, if you feel bad or something, if you want to go outside. Look at the trees. Watch TV or pick up a book. Or maybe, do you like colors? Maybe you can paint or draw.
I have managed to get that far with my tdoc in the last week or so, and hoping that I can find the strength to discuss it more this week. I really want this nightmare to end and the cutting to stop hopefully for good this time...I'm tired of this life. On top of this I am BiPolar and have to deal with that, but have dealt with it for many years. So one less thing to worry about would be good. Thanks for all of your advice.
I'd so like to be able to say, "yes I'm doing great, everythings better". But actually this week everything is worse, and the cutting is worse than ever. For whatever reason I cannot get the mosletation I suffered as a young child at the hands of my father out of my mind...it's just there like a horror movie, every time I close my eyes, or let my mind wonder, constantly, never stopping. I've been at my psychologists office twice this week,and am trying to work through it and find different outlets for my pain/rage other than cutting...but am not being too successful. I don't know what's triggering all of these memories all of a sudden, so trying to find the "off" switch to the trigger is driving me nuts. Actually all of it is driving me nuts...it just feels like everything is crashing in on me, and one more thing is going to make me snap...
damn I am so tired, of having thoughts I cannot control, of doing things that I cannot control, so tired. I feel like I have no control of anyting any more, I'm just stuck in this body that is controlled by past demons and past fears, causing it do continuous harm. Just one day, I would like to get through one day like a normal person without picking up a sharp instrument and touching it to my skin...just one day
kmit, my heart goes out to you in the most sincere way possible.
I wish I could be of help to you. Phoenix has made very good comments.
I too have to ask, have you had inpatient treatment at any time. I have just been through to do or not to do the hospital. It can be a difficult decision to make, but it may be a good decision for you right now.
Baby steps with the divulging of information to your therapist is a good thing. I doubt the he/she would expect it to happen any other way.
I may need an adjustment in my BP meds, I don't know....my meds are very complicated...29 pills a day complicated...I also take daily pain meds for Chronic Pain, and anti seizure meds, lots of strong meds. I'm planning to call my pdoc tomorrow and see what he thinks. I really have way too much on my plate right now to even think about inpatient care....I just need to figure out how to get this under control...somehow.
kmit...in my Parkinson's world we take many pills a day, of varying kind.
From time to time a PWP (Person with Parkinson's) will be put on a hospitalized drugs holiday and then start all over adding meds one at a time.
I don't want to assume that all of your doc's know what you take. What I mean is if all your meds don't come from the same doc, do they all know what you are taking? Do you get all your meds from the same pharmacy?
Are you sure that some of what is happening isn't drug interaction interfering?