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Old 05-12-2008, 04:41 AM   #1
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Haven't visit this board in so long...I am back in crisis mode...sigh!

...I suppose this is a good thing.

I see several here whom I have seen before...including the awesome, always there with good advice, Sannah!

I have not been doing well. I compare it to my BIG crisis of 23 years ago, attempted suicide. After three years of my son's violence my husband left the family and me to solely deal with our son, protect and raise our daughter's. He "can't handle it anymore." Poor guy. How pathetic. A very bad time back then.

Today is a psychologist appointment, I was just there last Thursday for my regular weekly appointment, and again the topic will be hospital or no hospital. I have been resisting the idea for weeks now. I have a busy calendar and I don't know what to do with my calendar appointments if I give in to the hospital (speaking to a Parkinson's disease support group about legislative advocacy, meeting with two hospital representatives I don't yet know about starting a PD support group in our city...stuff like this) and my grandchildren duties. Sounds silly I know, worrying about my calendar, but...

That will be the primary topic of today's appointment, hospital, as it has been for the past two weeks. I am torn between the two, yes and no, and not sure how to respond.

By the time of my appointment my psychologist will have reported to my issues to the psychiatrist. A bit scary.

My psychologist gave me a hand written list of all the crisis lines and his personal cell number a week ago. Twice I had sat with the list and the phone in my hand, one of those times sobbing in the middle of my bed. I just can't bring myself to call anyone, no matter how badly I need to talk to someone. I am afraid of the potential repercussions.

I had a dream that I would arrive and they would both be sitting in the office together waiting for me...their show of "force." Our "city" is not large by any means, so it is a real possibility.

I have admitted to once again picking, but only in a minor way, which is wrong. I was very distraught two weeks ago and rubbed one place on my arm for so long I rubbed the top layer of skin off. If I admit to more I will really be in big trouble.

Also, my family...including my daughter whose home I am in almost daily...has no clue how bad I am doing right now. AND, as always, they are clueless of my picking. As with most, I only damage places clothing will cover.

What really scares me is how good the pain feels. I don't like this, but at the same time it is okay with me. How bad it this!!

As I told Dr. Jim last week, I am an intelligent 59 years old, I know better!! But, having said that, I just can't seem to get a grip on myself right now.

I have to quit coming here to my daughter's home. I need a break...a long one...I just too a short typing break and went into the kitchen and we had words about something my 7 yr old grandson was doing. Of course, as always I was the "wrong" one!! It is amazing how little I know about raising children. I guess I should have raised more the 3 of them, and one with huge violent emotional problems.

 
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Old 05-16-2008, 06:53 AM   #2
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Re: Haven't visit this board in so long...I am back in crisis mode...sigh!

Hello orchardlady,

How did you psychiatrist appointment go?

Have you made a decision as of yet?

Respectfully,

Phoenix

 
Old 05-18-2008, 07:26 AM   #3
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Re: Haven't visit this board in so long...I am back in crisis mode...sigh!

Well, my appointment a week ago Monday was interesting. First, it was just my and my psychologist...Why? Because the psychiatrist he called, as I sat in his office, the prior Thursday NEVER CALLED him back.

It was a great disappointment for me...sort of the no one cares, not even my mental health team.

Thanks for asking Phoenix. I am not going into the hospital. Life is so unbearable, but I suppose I do it to myself. I saw my psychologist twice last week...a good thing. He was to fax a letter to the psychiatrist on Friday about what is going on with me right now. We will see what response he receives.

I am doing better at this hour on Sunday, but by 4pm I may be ready yet again to hang it all up permanently. Yes, I will call someone on the phone if this happened.

I have asked my daughter to come over for a chat about "things" Due to her, my son in law, and one of my grandchildren, my daughter's home has become extremely toxic for me. I can no longer deal with the disrespect from my daughter, my son in law and my oldest grandson.

Last week I was told:
  • I was disrespecting my 7 yr old grandson. I have gone into the office to tell my son in law why the child had yet again, for the fourth time, gone running to his room sobbing. (My son in law rarely asks the adult he has placed in charge of the children what is wrong.) I had reached my frustration limit and it was heard in my voice by my son in law. Of course, my frustration was ignored by him, he only heard that I was being sarcastic about a child who "is only 7 yrs old" I was not being sarcastic I was frustrated to my limit. This fourth event was because he wanted to play in the water hose and I told him it was too cool out for water play...70 degrees. Per my grandson, I am mean, just plain mean, and I don't let him do anything he wants to do. He prefers the other grandmother, my son in laws mom, who just sits in her recliner [she bought it for herself when they moved into this home] and reads US, People, etc. word for word...literally!
  • My daughter told me I was acting like a "child" when I attempted to talk with her about something. At that point I said what I have said many times before, "I will just leave now and put everyone out of their misery." I left. She never challenges me or asks me to return and talk it out.
  • My son in law chased me away when I attempted to instill table manners into my 7 yr old grandson...nothing new...it is a constant. He likes to play with toys at the lunch and dinner table. He likes to lay on his back on the chair and put his feet on the chair while eating. The children do not eat meals with mom and dad. Dad does his own meal thing, even when my daughter cooks a nice meal on the weekends.

Last edited by orchardlady; 05-18-2008 at 07:31 AM.

 
Old 05-18-2008, 07:42 AM   #4
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Re: Haven't visit this board in so long...I am back in crisis mode...sigh!

Oh yes, and I am healing again. Ugly things left behind, but they are healing.

Gratefully, my picking is usually short lived and only during the WORST days.

Any the best part, I found a national agency that can pay my bills for me and dole out an allowance to me. I can't believe that at age 59 I have resorted to this method, but it is a good thing and I just need to reconcile my self with the fact that I can't take care of my money and have to have a stranger do it for me. I had already asked my daughter for help with this. The only part of the program I don't care for is that a doctor has to submit in writing that you don't currently have the mental capacity to do this yourself. OUCH!!

Last edited by orchardlady; 05-18-2008 at 07:45 AM.

 
Old 05-18-2008, 08:36 AM   #5
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Re: Haven't visit this board in so long...I am back in crisis mode...sigh!

Hello orchardlady,

1st post:

The psychiatrist never calling back may have been an oversight and due to a lack of communication on behalf of his staff members.

Now if the fax receives no response, then you may have to call and inquire about this.

Do not allow your daughter to disrespect you today; she is on your turf and as I'd like to point out, "house rules" apply.

If your daughter and son-in-law feel that they are doing a good job raising your grandchild, then there's not much that can be done. If they were harming the child in any way, then that would be another story.

Stand firm but let her know you care; an argument need not ensue.
--------------------
2nd post:

You can avoid today being one of those days of crisis.

Remember that you are in control, just for today; then tomorrow you can be in control for that day.

I know, easier said than done but say to yourself today: "I'm going to practice being kind to myself because I believe in myself and deserve to."

With respect to the national agency; good news indeed.

If your own daughter won't help then I'm glad that you found someone who will.

Look at it as paying your bills is stressful for you and the less stress exerted upon you, the better.

Take care.

Phoenix

 
Old 05-18-2008, 09:03 AM   #6
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Re: Haven't visit this board in so long...I am back in crisis mode...sigh!

Pheonix, you are a breaht of fresh air.

The psychiatrist never calling back may have been an oversight and due to a lack of communication on behalf of his staff members. YES WE BOTH ASSUMED THAT, HENCE THE FAXED LETTER

Do not allow your daughter to disrespect you today; she is on your turf and as I'd like to point out, "house rules" apply. I HEAR YOU AND WILL TRY TO DO THIS. IT IS NOT EASY WITH MY DAUGHTER AND HER HUSBAND. MY DAUGHTER HAS LEARNED MANY NEW SKILLS FROM HER HUSBAND OF SEVEN YEARS...NOT A GOOD THING...HE IS EXTREMELY BRIGHT AND ALWAYS RIGHT...YOU KNOW THE TYPE. MY DAUGHTER WAS TO GO INTO THERAPY WITH ME TO IMPROVE OUR RELATIONSHIP, BUT AFTER ONE VISIT SHE ABANDONED THE IDEA AND HAD THE AUDACITY TO SUGGEST HER HUSBAND COULD BE OUR MEDIATOR......NOT IN MY LIFETIME!

If your daughter and son-in-law feel that they are doing a good job raising your grandchild, then there's not much that can be done. If they were harming the child in any way, then that would be another story. OH THEY DON'T JUST FEEL THEY ARE DOING A GOOD JOB...THEY KNOW IT!! BUT THEY ARE MISSING THE PROVERBIAL BOAT IN MANY WAYS.

Stand firm but let her know you care; an argument need not ensue. I WILL DO THIS ALSO.
--------------------
2nd post:

You can avoid today being one of those days of crisis. I KNOW BUT I LIVE IN MY HEAD...NOT A GOOD THING. I DON'T HANDLE ANGER WELL [STRONG HISTORY WITH MY FATHER, HUSBAND AND SON]. I WOULD NEVER ATTEMPT THIS CONVERSATION WITH MY SON IN LAW, IT IS ALL I CAN DO TO GET ALONG WITH HIM WITHOUT FEAR WITHIN MYSELF SHOWING THROUGH. I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR 23 YEARS FOR A REASON.

Remember that you are in control, just for today; then tomorrow you can be in control for that day. I HAVE NOT THOUGHT OF IT THIS WAY...THANKS.

I know, easier said than done but say to yourself today: "I'm going to practice being kind to myself because I believe in myself and deserve to." YOU KNOW I HAD A FRIEND NOT LONG AGO WHO I CONVERSED WITH DAILY FOR ALMOST A YEAR, SHE WOULD TELL ME OF THE THINGS SHE DOES TO BE KIND TO HERSELF AND CHALLENGED ME TO DO THE SAME. I AM NOT GOOD AT IT. I SUPPOSE IT IS A LEARNED THING THAT I JUST RESIST LEARNING. I DO THE "I'M NOT WORTH IT THING" IN MY HEAD.

With respect to the national agency; good news indeed.

If your own daughter won't help then I'm glad that you found someone who will. WELL I FEEL AS THOUGH A MOUNTAIN HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM MY SHOULDERS. AND IF I HAVE TO SAY I DON'T HAVE THE MENTAL CAPACITY TO PAY MY OWN BILLS...THEN SO BE IT!! I AM NOT ASHAMED THAT I AM NOT MENTALLY SOUND...WISH I WAS, BUT I HAVE NOT BEEN FOR DECADES...AT LEAST SINCE 1985.

Look at it as paying your bills is stressful for you and the less stress exerted upon you, the better. I HAVE PARKINSON'S DISEASE IN ADDITION TO MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER AND PTSD, STRESS IS A VERY BAD THING FOR ME.

BY THE WAY, MY THERAPIST WILL TELL YOU THAT I SPEAK HONESTLY AND I RARELY ELABORATE INTO SOMETHING THAT TRULY IS NOT.

I AM SURE I WILL BE BACK IN HERE IN THE LATE AFTERNOON TODAY...HO HUM!

 
Old 05-18-2008, 09:05 AM   #7
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Re: Haven't visit this board in so long...I am back in crisis mode...sigh!

She will not be here today....their plans have changed. Can we talk over the phone...no, I said.

Maybe one evening this week on her way home from work...or NEVER!

 
Old 05-18-2008, 09:45 AM   #8
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Re: Haven't visit this board in so long...I am back in crisis mode...sigh!

Wow Orchardlady!,

You broke down my comlete post.

Don't think I ever had that done before.

So, they think they are so smart.

You can start it off by telling them that you did not bring them here to argue because it "really gets none of us anywhere."

It's all in the way you carry your conversation.

In the past, you were probably a creature of habit;making them able to push your buttons or calculate your next train of thought.

I say, slay them with kindness but effectiveness; stay firm but passive.

In effect, throw them off their game because you know that they have already discussed the meeting amongst themselves.

(you can keep this in mind if they ever decide to visit)
------------------------------------------
Not coming huh; how convenient.

At least you have eluded a potential "stressfest." (c'mon at least smile)

No talking on the phone; good for you. Now you have set the tone and she knows that you really mean business.

I guess we could chalk this one up as "to be continued?"

Take care.

Phoenix

 
Old 05-18-2008, 12:39 PM   #9
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Re: Haven't visit this board in so long...I am back in crisis mode...sigh!

Thanks for the reply.

I work online, and by conference call [Parkinson's advocacy work], and our email threads can be quite hefty. Breaking down email in the same way is better then having to retype so much...just a learned skill.

She also tried to get me to tell her specifically what I wanted to chat about, but I wouldn't go there on the phone either. Believe me she has no clue what I want to talk about.

I will be back when I have talked to my daughter in person.

 
Old 05-18-2008, 05:28 PM   #10
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Re: Haven't visit this board in so long...I am back in crisis mode...sigh!

Orchard,

Can I ask a question, and I don't mean to sound harsh, but why do you even deal with these people any more? the one thing I have learned as a way to deal with the BiPolar is that sometimes we have to take the people who are a poison to us out of our lives...even if they are family.

 
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