I am still new to the boards and wanted to intro myself.
I am 41 years old and I have been abusing myself for years. My mother was only 16 when she got prognant in 1965, times were not as they are today and that brought shamne on the family. I have been told, my grandmother tried to give her an abortion with a cloths hanger, but it didn't work so she had to get married. My father constantly beat my mother and when I was six months old she left him. A few days later, my father murdered my mother, he shot my grandmother and, the gun jammed or it was empty, but when he tried to kill me it didn't fire. My grandmother raised me as if my mother never existed, I was constantly guarded and watched, I had two police dogs as my "pets". Even as I grew up, she stayed in her car outside the school and watched me. The only escape I have ever had was to cut myself, scratch bumps until they were huge scars, and emotionnaly put myself down because something must be wrong with me. In my mind, she was protecting the normal people away from the freak.
That has been many years, but I still feel every ounce of pain today. I have been seeing a therapist for almost a year this time. I haven't cut since Septmeber until I found out my father is getting out of prison May 27. I started out with horrific panic attacks and I couldn't control my life anymore, so, I am ashamed to say I started cutting again.
I just need to know WHY DOES IT FEEL SO GOOD? I know it is not normal, but I can literally feel my stress and pain flow from the wounds.
My therapist wanted to put me in the hospital and I wanted to go, but when I asked my neighbor to drive me, she made me feel so stupid and refused to take me and even threatened my cats if I went for help. I know I am an adult, but I am so confused and hurt. I don't want to die, but I know cutting saves my life.
First and foremost from one who cuts to another you're not a freak. Both my tdoc and pdoc hate when I use the word "normal" because as they say what is normal? I understand totally how the cutting makes you feel like everything is better, I don't know why it is, but I've done it since I was 10 and am now 39. I spent yesterday, my 39th birthday in the ER getting 29 stitches because I hallucinated in my sleep and took the cutting too far. Does your therapist have you on any meds for the panic attacks? If not that might be something worth discussing. coming here is a good step, the people are really nice and seem to really care about how we feel and what happens to us. I wish I had answers for you, but I still haven't figured it out myself.
Thanks for the kind words. I have found that just being able to admit I have a problem helps. My friends seem to be only there for me when the sun is shining and can't understand why I am so blue. People think you can just stop - but you can't. I have more control over my mind and my thoughts when I cut. I can't help that, but I try to start a new day each and every day.
I'm really sorry to hear about your sad past, it would have had a huge effect on the strongest of people.
Stop putting yourself down, you are certainly no freak. Your cutting is not your fault, the blame lays with your past and no real professional help.
You asked "Why does it feel good?" I think it feels good to you because the blood and pain represents your father, as your worries and anxiety's have been caused by him.
You really do need some serious counselling and help as if he has now left prison your stress will be sky-high and your cutting will intensify.
Firstly, "normal" is vastly overrated. But honestly the cutting my very well be the only thing that is saving your life, I am not negating the fact that it is something that alot of us do, nor will I say that it is necessarily wrong. Because right and wrong has no place in the arena of SI. SI is never the only option but almost always it is the quickest fix and mostly it is the one that never leaves you... but we all have the calculated risk of what we could do mistakenly while doing this.
I don't think your a freak, or abnormal, if anything I think you are a strong person for what you have had to deal with. Alot of people could not have continued this far with that, and you being able to proves to me that you are better and bigger than your addiction.
It does feel good. People thought I was crazy when I substitued SI for tattoos, but it feels the same for me, and I enjoy every minute of getting new ink. So in most peoples eyes, I traded one "crazy" for another one. I suppose I just was done with letting the SI control me, and there isnt a day that goes by that I don't think about it and how it feels. I just has to find other things to do, and also realize that I was NOT A CUTTER, I am me, and cutting was something I did, not who I was. And I had to treat it like any other undesireable part of my life and dumped it like an abusive boyfriend. Told it it couldn't hurt me anymore and that I wasnt taking its crap. lol... seems childish but thats what I had to do. It was getting in the way of everything I love and care about.
so yeah, now that I have rambled to you about it, if you ever want to talk bout it one on one...
Last edited by mentalhealth mod; 06-23-2008 at 10:02 AM.
Reason: off board contact is not permitted