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Old 08-16-2008, 10:31 AM   #1
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Not cutting but hitting myself...please help

Not sure if I should be saying this here but here goes...I have never cut myself but I used to hit myself a lot. Sometimes I used my hands and sometimes I used wood until I had masses of bruises. I was depressed and suicidal at the time and it stopped me from killing myself.
The other day I hit myself for the first time in about 10/11 years and have bruised my arm. Today I told my bf because he was asking questions. I was hoping he'd hug me and understand but he laughed at me and made a sexual joke out of it. I pushed him away and ran upstairs crying. He just went.
He'll probably turn up later. How can I explain it to him? I am going through so many problems at the moment and I need him but I don't know how to explain it. It's not something I've ever told anyone.
Carol

 
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Old 08-16-2008, 07:55 PM   #2
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Re: Not cutting but hitting myself...please help

Carol,

Welcome to the board, even if it's not one you particularly want to be at, we're here for you and will support you as much as we can. Self harm can manifest in many ways, it doesn't have to be cutting. I'm so sorry that your BF reacted in that way, understanding and support are a big part of dealing with this problem. Perhaps you could call him and ask him to come over for a talk and sit down and explain that this has been a problem for a long time and you need some support from him. I've been cutting for about 29 years and never told anyone until a few months ago, when the trauma that caused it as a child, resurfaced for some reason. So I understand how you feel, it was very hard to do, and I probably woudn't have made it without my Psychiatrist and Psychologist. Have you thought of maybe going to someone for therapy? Sometimes that can make a world of differance.

 
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Old 08-17-2008, 12:58 PM   #3
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Re: Not cutting but hitting myself...please help

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. After I posted my bf sent me a text saying he wouldn't be round as all he seemed to do was upset me. I didn't reply and he sent me another text saying I might not think so but that he did love me. I replied that I knew that and I love him but that self harm was not a joke. It is 1 step away from suicide and I'm too tired to cope with all my problems. He replied that I should see a therapist.

I was too tired to think straight so I went to bed and had a reasonable night. I was awake in the early hours but that has become quite common lately. I had a nice lay in this morning and once I was up and had eaten I sent my bf a text saying I needed to talk to him. He came round and initially upset me by saying if I self harm again then our relationship is over because if he should get pulled over by the police they would blame him???!!! I said it would never have occurred to me to do that as I self harmed a lot when I was with my ex.

I tried hard to get him to understand that I need his support and I think I succeeeded. Time will tell! As I said I may not self harm again but I can't promise that. He said if I feel like that again I must tell him and we'll go out in the car for a drive somewhere.

I also agreed I will see a counsellor. Not sure who that will be or when. I have seen numerous psychologists/psychiatrists etc before. Most of them not much help.

I find it very hard talking face to face. I'm ok if I'm asked direct questions. I will give an honest answer. I also find it impossible to cry in front of strangers. I just bottle it up and let it out once I'm on my own. This backfires on me because they think I'm ok when I'm not.

Once again thank you for replying to me. It means a lot.
Carol

 
Old 08-17-2008, 06:34 PM   #4
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Re: Not cutting but hitting myself...please help

Carol,

hey, congrats on the step you took with your BF, that was huge! Seeing a therapist is all about finding one that you can trust and create a "relationship" with, it's not always easy, and it's not necesarily a quick process, but once you find that person, they can become an incredible resource. And you don't necesarily be able to cry in front of them for them to know how much you hurt, a good therapist will be able to tell, just by the conversations that you have. So please don't give up, have faith in yourself that you'll be able to take this next step.

Also, it sounds like your BF is trying to try to get you to do some other coping mechanisms like going for a drive when you feel like harming yourself, that's a great proactive step, it sounds like he's trying. Another one that I might suggest, and I use myself at times, is to wear a rubber band on your wrist, and when you get stressed or anxious, or whatever feeling makes you want to harm yourself,try snapping the rubber band until the feeling goes away, sometimes this works.

Keep talking here if it helps you, I llike you am not always a fan of talking with strangers face to face and find the anoninimity of these boards a big help. Peace to you.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 02:37 AM   #5
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Re: Not cutting but hitting myself...please help

Hi and thanks for getting back to me again. I have been struggling to accept how I'm feeling and had one good day and didn't bother phoning the drs.

Then yesterday the dark cloud came back over me. I knew what I had to do but I struggled to phone the drs this morning. My heart was in my throat. It's not made any easier by being permanently engaged. I had to phone 14 times to get through. I have made an appointment, which is tomorrow, so I will ask my gp to refer me to a therapist.
I have put a rubber band on my wrist and if/when I feel like self harming again I will try your suggestion.
Thank you for caring and I hope all is well with you?
Carol

 
Old 08-20-2008, 10:31 AM   #6
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Re: Not cutting but hitting myself...please help

Carol,

I'm doing okay I guess, having surgery on Monday, and the closer it gets the higher the anxiey/stress/fear...so the need for SH is greater and greater, but I'm seeing my PDOC today and will try to talk some of this out.

I'm glad your seeing your doc. tomorrow, hopefully they'll be able to refer you to a therapist. I'm glad you're being proactive in this, it really is a very important first step. Keep fighting, you're a very important person, don't forget that!

 
Old 08-21-2008, 10:43 AM   #7
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Re: Not cutting but hitting myself...please help

I had surgery last month before all this blew up but mine was unexpected so I was already in hospital in a&e before I knew. (I had an incision and drainage for an anal abscess). I don't know if you've had surgery before. I had (for an angiogram because I'd had a brain haemorrhage) and what most worried me was being sick but they asked me if I was scared about anything and gave me antiemetic drugs and it was a very different experience. I was surprised at just how well I felt afterwards. No being sick! How are you feeling now you've seen your PDOC? Hope he/she was able to help.

I saw the gp this morning and I told him I was depressed and thought I should see a counsellor. I surprised myself by also telling him about the self harm. Phew! Wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. He is referring me to a counsellor I've seen before and who I got on with although what we talk about will be all new this time. At least I know he's not like a psychologist I once had who used to sit in silence and I hated it. I hate awkward silences! I don't know how long I've got to wait. Apparently the counsellor will phone me.
i am doing my best to keep fighting. Thanks!
Carol

 
Old 08-21-2008, 08:57 PM   #8
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Re: Not cutting but hitting myself...please help

Hey Carol,

Good for you for telling your doc, sometimes just getting it out, is like I don't know this big weight being lifted off of you, at least that's how it felt for me. I had hid my cutting from everyone for a very very long time, even my husband, whom I've been with since we were 16, over 22 yrs. My psychologist is so tuned into me and my pain that after about 41/2 months into treatment she saw a scratch on my arm and just flat out asked me if I ever hurt myself...I was floored...nobody had ever figured it out before...and before I knew it I just said YES. I was sooo tired of having to hide it. And I know what you mean about too quiet tdocs....I had one like that one time and I hated it...we just sat there and stared at each other...didn't last long.

As for my surgery unfortunately yes I've had 18 operations in the last 10 years, needless to say my body is crap! But I never seem to get over the pre-surgery jitters, stress, anxiety and fear. This is a knee resconstruction/osteotomy so it's likely to be very painful....and all the pain meds usually make my BiPolar depression worse which tends to make the cutting worse, so that's just more to worry about...so we'll see.

Hope you continue to do well.

 
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