I'm 3 weeks post surgery and still on limited activity partial bed rest....the deal is there is always someone here WATCHING ME!!! I am so stressed out and depressed and in pain...and I know being able to SI will calm some of this down, but i'm being forced not to, and I feel like I'm going to go crazy. I literally count the days until I can take a bath because I know that will be the one place that nobody will be watching me. I know I shouldn't feel like this and I should probably be thinkful that I'm not able to act on my impulses to harm myself....but it's not real, because it's not my choice..it's something that I'm being forced to do, and that just seems to make the desire to do it worse than ever....and I fear that when I finally am able to, I might not be able to control myself...sorry for the rambling, but I am so tired of all this crap and having no one to talk to, except my pdoc and tdoc and they don't really understand do they, how can they???
its true what your saying they don't really understand the way you feel, unless they have been there themselves... I know how you feel it makes it ten time worse when you feel like your constantly been watched.. when they stop you from doing it makes you feel like your going to burst that there actually making you worse than better... and your not rambling on your needed someone to talk to.. to let off some steam if that means writing all down then you go girl ano you want to do it badly but think of the achivement of not doing it? xx
yeah I gues it is a small achievment, it's hard to think of it that way, thanks for reminding me of that. Everyone always thinks they can fix you, ya know? I've been dealing with this for 20+ years of and on...and it just seem endless and so tireing. On top of this and the Chronic Pain I also have BiPolar Disorder and right now the depression is starting to take over and it all just seems like too much.
ano you always feel like there is no way out... and that makes you even more depressed and low!.. i don't know realy what to say as i only have a issue on sh and eating disorders.. ano thats hard for me to cope with but i know you are going through a really difficult time... i honestly think your brave ano you probably don't feel like it right now.. but honestly you have coped really well.. cause i know if i was in your position i wouldn't be here. is there anything that makes you really happy?...because the last time i stopped i found something that made me happy and i kepted focusing on that every time i felt the urge. you might think im talking a load of rubbish and i understand.