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cassie19 09-20-2008 06:33 PM

question please answer it would mean a lot
 
hi this is my first post.i had a long term self harm problem and absolutly no one knew.the pain got so much that i tried to kill myself and the hospital i was assesed and then placed in the mental ward.since ive left hospital some of my best friends have turned their backs on me and have said that i did it all for attention.im a shy person and hate being in the spotlight.i kept it a secret all that time so i dont understand how they think it was for attention.i was just wondering has anyone else experianced this? is it common for people to feel this way when they find out their friend has a self harm problem?ive lost my friends and its so hard not to self harm while im trying to deal with it.sorry if this is a stupid question

katlin09 09-21-2008 01:57 PM

Re: question please answer it would mean a lot
 
Cassie,

Hi, first of all welcome and know that you're not alone and this is a safe place for you to talk about anything you wish. What you described has happened to me also. I've been a self-harmer for many many years and hid it very well until recently. A couple of times in my sleep i had amnesiac delusinal dream states and ended up cutting myself so bad that I had to get over 20 stitches...my husband got angry with me, because it embarrased him that he had to take me to the ER. I also attempted suicide about 2 months ago and ended up in the psych ward and once again my husband told me I was a selfish b***** who was just looking for attention. I think some people just don't understand how much pain we are actually in, and maybe it's easier for them to believe that we are just "faking" it as opposed to believing that we really don't want to be in this life anymore. Does that make sense? I'm also BiPolar with severe depression so that complicates things more. But I do know how you feel, the stress and pain and just everything builds up until you think that theres only one way to make it go away. You don't need to think that you are at fault for how your friends or family feel, that's there problem not yours, okay. All you need to worry about is getting through the hard times without hurting yourself.

Keep posting as much as you need to, I'm around and will talk anytime you need.

autumn29 10-21-2008 06:14 AM

Re: question please answer it would mean a lot
 
hi i have been self-harming for almost 2 years so not really that long but i am forteen so im glad that that is all. I told a teacher about how i self harm, well she made me tell her otherwise she would never have left me alone but i know that this i not good advice but if i had the chance to tell them again i would keep it to myself because it stresses you out, thank god my friends have not found out because i am very loud, hyper and naughty at school and they would not understand and like you cassie would think i was doing it for attention, the thing is i hate it when people think that you where doing it for attention because its not like you would want the attention from people thinking you are nad and its a bit extreme self-harming for no real reason. Kmit what is a amnesiac delusinal dream?and what is it like being in a phsyc ward because it really sounds scary.

skbrmom 10-21-2008 11:20 AM

Re: question please answer it would mean a lot
 
I think that those of us who wouldn't cut ourselves and don't feel that need to feel the physical pain instead of the extreme emotional pain can't totally understand the whole cutting thing.
But for your friends to twist your reasons for harming youself into something so lame as "attention getting" is just ignorant on their part! Good friends stand by you when you hurt, period! Why should they even care what your reasons are for cutting yourself? They should just care about you and your well being. Maybe through all of this you will find out who your true friends are. They are the ones who are still there for you.
Tell the people closest to you ( family?) about your cutting. Let them help you. People who love you will just want you to be happy and whole.

katlin09 10-22-2008 06:26 PM

Re: question please answer it would mean a lot
 
Autumn,

An "amnesiac delusional dream state" is usually caused my medications or a combination of medications, or so it was in my case. It's where you do something in your sleep that you totally think is real but you don't feel or have no sense of doing in real time. For me I dreamed that someone was attacking me with a knife and in reality I was cutting my arm repeatedly to the point of needing 26 stitches. I never felt anything or realized what I was doing. I've had 2 of these episodes, the second requiring 6 stitches. I am listed as being disinbitited by my pdoc and tdoc and have to be very careful of situations that put me at risk of harming myself without my active knowledge, i.e. no sharp objects in my room or anywhere close to where I sleep.

As for being in the psych ward, I was there for a suicide attempt, due to my BiPolar depression, not for cutting. And yes it is very scaring and for me caused a lot of anxiety and stress and anger. All of the things that generally make me want to self harm, so it was like I really had the urge to do so, but had someone watching me 24 hours a day, so I couldn't, and the fact that I was being forced not to made the urges worse...so it was a pretty bad situation.

autumn29 10-23-2008 12:27 PM

Re: question please answer it would mean a lot
 
i am scared that could happen to me not with the medivation because i am on none but been locked up in a pchyc ward. Did you ever get put in one when you where younger like 14-16 im not sure when you started and having that dream disorder sounds even scarier did it hurt when you woke up at least your husband supports you and stands by you. i hope you dont think i am askin to many questions i just think if you understand more things then your own problems could become more clearer.

katlin09 10-28-2008 10:13 PM

Re: question please answer it would mean a lot
 
No autumn, not too many questions, I will help you as much as I can. I did not have the diassociated dreams when I was young, I had the things happening that started my cutting, which was being sexually molested by my father, that lasted from the time I was 12 until I was 16. I have been cuttiing myself since I was 13. Over the years thoughout my adult years I had somehow regressed that and just kind of locked it away in some portion of my mind and just kind of "forgot or my neurlogical self chose to forgot" that it had happened. And I spend every Christmas with my father since I got married, 20 years ago, he comes for a week. But for some reason this last Christmas when he was here something just snapped, and my depression jsut got worse and worse and worse...he and his wife actually left 3 days early. And by that time I was basically in a catatonic state. See I also have BiPolar Severe Suicidal Disorder. So my hubby go me to the doctor, then my GP got me to the Psychiatrist and he got my on meds immediately and got me set up with a psychologist for therapy twice a week. And through all this I left and right, every day, and still hidind it from everyone. Up until 7 month ago nobody ever knew that I was a cutter. And then one day my husband walked into the bathromm and I was in the tub, and had cut several places because I was stressed and upset and scared,,, and of course there was lots of blood and he freaked. So then I had to explain all of it to him, becuse he also knew notherin about my dad. So was not a particularly easy night. And yes my arn did hurt like hell when I woke up, some of the cuts were clear down to the down to the arm muccles.

autumn29 10-30-2008 06:32 AM

Re: question please answer it would mean a lot
 
thankyou for trusting me and answering my question. You have suffered more than thats for sure, well you have told me what happened to you so ill tell you what happened to me. Well i did not really have a relation ship with my dad from what i have heard i think my mum and dad had an afair as my dad had another woman. I dont think they really wanted to have me, my dad was never really there and niether was my mum my dad used to visit me 1 every couple of months and when he came i dreaded it because i would have this surge of anger as he only came to talk to my mum. I hated my family because they never visited me. When i moved to england my dad did not come and see me for 4 years and when he came him and my mum just went out and drank all night and i was alone again. I started self-harming on my 12th birthday i remember getting a card saying happy birthday teenager, my dad did not even know how old i was i felt lonely because he had other kids that lived with him and i always wandered why he never picked me to live with him. cheers for talking to me about what happened to you. One more question when you had the dream what did you pick up to hurt yourself so badly? i have a box with my stuff in and i know if i did have a dream i woulf never be ably to open the box without being awake so i was just wandering.

katlin09 11-03-2008 08:41 PM

Re: question please answer it would mean a lot
 
Autumn,

Sorry I haven't been posting, I've been in the middle of moving. I finally got the nerve to seperate from my alchohlic abusive husband, but that's a whole other story. Let's see when I had my dreams, what I used to cut myself was a knife that I kept beside my bed in my nightstand. And the second time, because by then my room was basically searched each night before I went to bed for anything sharp that I could hurt myself with, I was taking a nap and had been trimming my toenails and forgot and left a pair of toenails scissors on the nightstand, so that's what was used.

Hope you're doing okay and you're mom is giving you a little less grief.

autumn29 11-05-2008 01:12 PM

Re: question please answer it would mean a lot
 
Hi I am so sorry i thought that you had a very supportive husband. You would never guess what i did i am so stupid, i told a bloody vichar am i stupid or what? Well he wasnt that supportive infact he just said that god does not want you to do it and that was that, i regret it know because he wont help me and it was pointless. I texted my dad on monday told him what i really think of the idiot and that i hate him, felt great LOL. He hasnt texted back didnt really expect him to i hate going into detail about what he did, lets just say he did a bit more than smack me. But that was ages ago. I am sorry about you and your husband i hope you sort it out eventuly i feel really bad i mean having bipolar, self-harming, and things that happen in you past well the only thing i can say is that things can only get better. If i think about it there are many things that i could use but i have a box with blades in it i hate saying that do you think it sounds a bit sick?
No luck on mum she is very annoying im getting a tele and then i dont have to see her. This might sound really stupid and has nothing to do with the topic but any idea on bday presents for mums that you hate? pease get back to me her bdays soon hehehe

katlin09 11-06-2008 11:35 AM

Re: question please answer it would mean a lot
 
Well for one, I don't think there are any stupid questions. I'm not very fond of my mother either, so I usually just put a gift card in a bday card for her. Do they have gift cards over there? If not, maybe something non-commital like a basket of bath lotions/salts and a few candles stuck in. That would be pretty easy.

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time with telling people about the SH, it can be a very touchy subject and a very hard one for some people to listen to and know how to respond. I go to a psychologist and a psychiatrist. My psychologist is excellent about talking about SH she actually brings it up because she notices new cuts or new bandaids where I'm trying to hide a cut. On the other hand my Psychiatrist is not so good with the topic, of course he asks me if the self harm is increasing and how much and if it's stress related or depression related, etc. because of my bi polar and suicidal depression, but we don't dicuss the why's of it, we leave that up to the psychologist.

So keep trying to find that one person who you think would be a good listener, not necesarrily by telling people, but by searching people out, looking for a caring responsible authority figure, maybe a counselor, teacher, that type of thing. Do they have a Women's Center where you live, where you might get some help, those types of places are usualy free. Just don't give up okay, you're worth more than that.

autumn29 11-07-2008 03:57 AM

Re: question please answer it would mean a lot
 
Yeah cheers for that ill give her some body stuff and yeah we do have gift cards. I really want someone to talk to face to face because i feel really lonely mum has not said anything else about her discovery and although i do want someone to talk to id rather hr not know. Maybe im just asking to much of people i mean you did not have help when you where younger. I usually speak to the nurses but they are busy with the year sevens and i havent spoken to them in ages, as i havent been speakin to them its gonna be less hard to speak to them when i get the chance. I have been trying ti sike myself up to showing them the cuts and after the holidays i was ready but not know that i havent seen them in such a long time. How are you? Do you think that you would not have coped if you did not see those specialists?

katlin09 11-07-2008 07:01 PM

Re: question please answer it would mean a lot
 
Well it depends on your definition of cope...I didn't see my first psychiatrist until after my first suicide attempt and my diagnosis of BiPolar Disorder so I didn't have much of a choice. And I didn't talk to psychiatrist or psychologist about my SH until a year ago. So yeah in some ways I cope and some ways I don't, 4 suicide attempts..some people don't consider that coping...for me being a BiPolar with severe suicidal depression it's pretty good. As for the SH it comes and goes, right now I'm coping with it pretty well, and I think alot of it has to do with getting out of the abusive situation I was in with my husband, but I'm also not naive enough to know that it's magically over, so I'm down to cuttin maybe 1 day a week and hopefully when things get bad again I won't increase that.

autumn29 11-08-2008 02:19 PM

Re: question please answer it would mean a lot
 
ok i was just wandering because i dont know maybe if you just SH it is not that bad and you do not need any help. I SH pretty much every night with school and that. Still no luck with finding the one person i can talk to, but hey you will do. LOL how are you coping i know it feels to not have the scary one there. Do you miss him? just remember you can say what ever you want because i cant judge, and you cant see me. Things need to get better because next year ive got GCSE and the year after that so i need full concentration.

katlin09 11-09-2008 08:13 PM

Re: question please answer it would mean a lot
 
Please don't ever think that anyone who self harms themselves doesn't need help, we all do, whether we're smart enough to ask for it, or then act on it, well that's a whole other story. Me doing it is just as bad as you, and I need just as much help, age, sex, race, none of it matters when it comes to this stuff. But we all just try to get through each day the best that we can. This weekend for me was very very bad, because my son was with his father for the first time and it was very lonely and it was like there was no one here to not hide from....I could SH and not worry about him being here. It sounds sick doesn't it? So basically I alternated between sleeping through the days and moping around in my pj's. I had things planned both days but ended up canceling them because I just didn't want to be around people. Being away from my husband has made things much better because I don't have to go home each day to the anger and rage and yelling and abuse. Before I got the nerve to leave I pretty much lived in my room because I never quite new what I would say to set him off, so when I did come out walked on eggshells. So all and all I'm much better off in my new home, and I'm doing better here, but I still have my bad times.


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