Im new to this forum...i just needed somewhere to drain all my thoughts...because how i feel at the moment, i try not to think about anything because if i do, im scared im gunna breakdown.
I started self harming when i was around 12/13, ive been depressed for as long as i can remember, i dont have a specific reason for it...so i dont know its confusing...everything just gets worse.
i was 9 when i was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis....and around that time, my parents divorced, i hated school, and i missed a lot due to hospital appointments. my mum found someone else when i was 15 and was planning on moving in with him...but not before i finished my exams....but she did. She left me and my older sister at home and my dad moved in instead. theres been so many little things in between and after...but they all add up. The first boy i loved kissed my best friend while i was there....ive got a relationship with someone i can never be with and that breaks my heart because i really adore him...but i was dealing with all of it....i was still SIing...but i was coping....
then i found someone special....i really loved him, everything was on the up...i fell out with my family so i moved in with him and his family..we were going to have a great future...i fell pregnant and i was so happy....and he was too it was like a fairytale.....but i should have known that i was never meant to be happy.
we just kept arguing and one day i walked out and then he said that was it...my heart smashed into a million pieces again....i went home and i was so scared...i didnt know what to do....my mum and everyone didnt want me to keep the baby...but i just kept it off for as long as i could just in case he took me back....but nothing happened. i just didnt understand anything...i thought he loved me....i was so confused....i ended up going to the clinic and terminating.....thats the hardest thing ive ever had to do....but i didnt know how i was going to cope with a baby on my own...i would have loved it so much though, with all my heart....that was about a month ago....and ive had my bestfriend supporting me....my mum tried....and everyone thinks im fine now (like usual).......but im not.....im scared that if i stop and think about it all im just gunna collapse and breakdown. I was put on Fluoxetine about a year ago and i got the chance to go to councelling but i was too scared. im just fed up with everything now, im drinking a lot and it just........i dont know what to do..
sorry about the ramle i just needed to let off steam....thanks
I was put on Fluoxetine about a year ago and i got the chance to go to councelling but i was too scared. im just fed up with everything now, im drinking a lot and it just........i dont know what to do..
x
Hello AB,
Welcome.
How are you feeling these days?
It seems that therapy may definitely be a viable option for you.
To many, trust becomes an issue, so it is normal to be apprehensive at first.
If you decide to do so, make sure that you are doing it for you; it seems to work better that way.
Hi, I just had to reply to you. I'm sure a little relief has come just by writing out how you feel. Your post oozes so much pain and sadness. And also the love you had for your unborn chid. An abortion may be a quick physical procedure, but it sounds like you haven't had any information regarding the mental impact it can have, especially on a person so young, with other problems to contend with too. Added to that, your physical ailment, a lack of understanding from your mum, (re your view on what was to done to you). I feel you've be dealt such a bad hand and no one has been there for you, to guide you through. Good work from your friend. She must be your 'rock' right now. You are grieving the baby you should have had. It is allowed (and nothing to be ashamed of), regrdless of how the circumstances came about.
I hope you gain the strength to consider seeing someone regards how you feel. (I'm middle aged and was scared of seeing a therapist, but I got there eventually and I have no regrets whatsever). I'm sure you know drinking merely prolongs the length of your misery and confusion. Try not to bottle it all up, it causes unending misery.
Keep posting. A day will come when you won't be AlwayzBroken123.
