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Old 11-17-2008, 04:26 PM   #1
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Post i need the feeling of control



Hi this is my first time so bare with me.
I don`t think anyone will see this, but I just need to try and release.
I have been using sharps for 6 months but have had a eating disorder in the past. I started cutting because for a while I pushed my wife away due to stresses at work and life in general. When I realised this a year later I tried to show her the attention affection and support she deserved and had a right to. That was to no avail and I knew it was down to me and me alone so I needed to do something to punish myself and feel a hurt that I felt I had inflicted on her.
I was very controlled to start and cut myself where work and she would not see and that was top of my arms. I got carried away one day and cut all my forearms and burnt my arms with an iron. Luckily due to my job I could play down the injuries and blame them on work. It took quite a bit of deceiving but I felt I was getting away with it and laughing off suggestions that I was a self harmer.
My relationship with my wife grew back but to nowhere near the level it was at before I pushed her away.
Last month after she fell ill I packed an overnight bag and in doing so found some mail from another man. I asked her about it and was told not to worry. I then found out she was meeting him but she still loved me.
This is where I am now back with the eating disorder because : I`m under 13 stone, lose lots of weight she will find me attractive again and will want what we had together. I`m also getting very handy with a pair of lovely sharp implements to feed the need of taking the pain away of making her feel bad through what the after affects were from pushing her away.
I feel I have no control of what happens in my life but my only solitude and comfort is the control i have in what I can do with my body as I see fit.
I do love my wife and can`t bare to be parted from her and I have forgiven her but I just can`t seem to forgive myself. Are these normal feelings? Does anyone feel like they have no control on the outside world? will I get what I desire; a loving relationship with my wife I don`t know, what I do know is I can feel a pain to take the emotional pain away.
If you have read my story thankyou.
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Old 11-18-2008, 09:26 AM   #2
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Re: i need the feeling of control

Davethan1,

First of all, I'm sorry for your hurt and your pain. We who come to this board have felt it, lived it, and experienced it in one way or another at some time in our lives. I've been cutting off and on for 26 years....unfortunately now is an "on" time. One thing that really helps me is my Psychiatrist and Psychologist. Some meds such as Seroquel can cut down the urges to cut, and talking things out with a therapist can really really help. Harming oneself is a learned coping mechanism as are most eating disorders....what we have to do is "relearn" new coping mechanisms...none of this is easy, but imperative to our helping ourselves heal. Please feel free to come here and talk or vent or whatever you need to do, their is support here, and people who know how you feel and what you go through.

kat

 
Old 11-18-2008, 12:35 PM   #3
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Re: i need the feeling of control

Quote:
Originally Posted by katlin09 View Post
Davethan1,

First of all, I'm sorry for your hurt and your pain. We who come to this board have felt it, lived it, and experienced it in one way or another at some time in our lives. I've been cutting off and on for 26 years....unfortunately now is an "on" time. One thing that really helps me is my Psychiatrist and Psychologist. Some meds such as Seroquel can cut down the urges to cut, and talking things out with a therapist can really really help. Harming oneself is a learned coping mechanism as are most eating disorders....what we have to do is "relearn" new coping mechanisms...none of this is easy, but imperative to our helping ourselves heal. Please feel free to come here and talk or vent or whatever you need to do, their is support here, and people who know how you feel and what you go through.

kat
Thanks Kat,
Your words are very kind, but I feel I wouldn`t be able to cope with all the emotional hurt I feel and that scares me to death.
I did talk to my wife today and got some more truths about this situation I have placed us in and she still wants to be friends with him. I believe she hasn`t made love with him but they have kissed passionately. I remember when we were first writing to each other one of our questions was about affairs. I said I wouldn`t accept it: how my oppions have changed. I feel like people would see that as being weak and feeble, but is it? What if you feel you found your soul mate are they worth hurt? I do hurt and do think it is worth the fight but there lies the problem I feel I must inflict the pain.
I haven`t eaten properly now for a week that is no brakfast, lunch but I can`t escape dinner so I`m having a tiny portion then excusing myself to goto the bathroom. It feels good, it feels very good, sad I know. I managed to cut myself again but I`m going too deep and blood is going on my sleeves, I can`t do anymore washing to hide my tracks any idea`s and how do you hide it?
I am sorry you are back to cutting again, did you stop for a long period and what triggered the need? Is it about control for you or take away the pain you cause on others or something completely different? I am here to listen to you and if you need to shout scream cry I know exactly how you feel as I have cried so much lately it is unreal.
Take care kat I mean that and try and be strong; some one needs to!!
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Old 11-18-2008, 07:32 PM   #4
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Re: i need the feeling of control

Dave,

Trust me I know how hard it all is....I've just seperated from my husband of 20 years, high school sweethearts actually...I've lived through his affairs and financial irresponsibility and alcoholism and vebal and physical abuse for a very long time....and finally got up the courage to take my 10 yr old son and move out. My problems are many I am a Chronic Pain patient who has underwent 20 surgeries in the last 10 years, I have BiPolar disorder w/Severe Suicidal Depression, PTSD from childhood abuse and last of all Self Harm. So, why do I cut myself....it started when I was 13 as a way to cope with the pain of the abuse...then it just continued as a way to cope with all of lifes pain, and my life's been pretty crappy. I've stopped at times for a year or more. It's been pretty bad for the last 10 months though, I've been through 2 suicide attempts, 2 ER trips for a total of 22 stitches for slashing my arm during amnesiac hypnotic dreamstate episodes, and 1 admit to the psych ward for a week. Why do I cut...that's easy it's not really a pain thing for me, most of the time I don't even feel it, for me it just seems like when all the pain and anger and stress and hurt build up I can just let it all flow out with the blood....probably doesn't make sense to most....but my screwed up brain believes it. I have a great Psychiatrist and Psychologist one I see once a week, the other twice a week, and they do help alot, I can go for 7 to 10 days without cutting...and I am learning new coping techniques.....and the more I get the past "stuff" out, hopefully the more I won't need to self harm. The BiPolar, yep it's permanent, but they've finally got my cocktail right and the meds keep me pretty stable for now. So don't give up...we're all really screwed up and we keep making it a day at a time. Hell I let me husband beat the crap out of me for the past 5 years everytime he got drunk and convinced myself it was my fault and then would cut myself to punish me...how screwed up is that? It took a while and the help of my really good docs, but I finally figured out how to not let him convinc me of that, and how to get out.

As for should you let your wife keep her "friendship" well no one can answer that one but you...but if it's going to make you hurt yourself over the pain and guilt of it....you have to ask yourself, "Is it seriously worth it?"

Keep talking, 'kay?

 
Old 11-19-2008, 01:34 PM   #5
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Re: i need the feeling of control

Hi Katlin09,
It seems you have had a very long life; well that would be how an elderly person would see it as not even they would have so much stories to tell about there life.
I find it comforting to know; thats wrong thing to say. I find a sence of belonging and some one of simular life threads. I don`t have anything that could be classed as a disability but I have for a very long time noticed that I could be on a high one minute then be down the next. I joked with myself that it was my man time of the month, that I had too many thoughts and hormones floating around inside me.
My dad was in the armed forces during my early childhood we travelled all over the uk and europe. When we moved back to where my mum`s family lived everything changed. I was 8 going 9 and really attached to my mum; still am by the way. I remember one winter she was taking my sister, brother and myself to school while pushing my 2nd youngest brother, it was cold and icy and she fell really bad on the verge of crying. There was a group of teenage boy`s; yes I know bloody boys, behind us who thought it was the funniest thing they ever seen and budged there way past her. I saw red and went up to them and had a go at them and try to respect the only person I respected.
Anywho we stayed with my Grandma at her house for 6 months while we waited for our own. My mum`s older brother, younger brother, 2 younger sisters and Grans male helper all lived in this 3 bedroom war built bungalow. To say it was crowded was an under statement. Andy my mums younger brither was into everything he was 17 then i think. He always brought home films that were banned whether they were pornography or hardcore horror. He always made me watch them for some reason and I still don`t know why. I didn`t like them they made me feel ill and wrong inside. That was when the advances were made upon me, not by him or if there were I have done a good job blocking them out but by my mums younger sister and her friend I was made to perform sexual acts and if I didn`t I was told they would tell my mum and I would be taken into care. That went on for 3 years even though I was there for 6months.
When I joined the Army I believed it would be better; my dad told me he didn`t think I would make it more than a week as mum had brought us up and we were close. I did manage to stay in for 12 and a half years thanks to him. I was a very small boy and chubby I got bullied quite a bit in training. When I got to my first unit in Germany it still continued. That was when I thought if I got fitter people would like what they saw and would like me, NO only I thought like that.
My next unit thought Here come a fat, unfit and useless person but I had managed to improve my fittness to there shock. That applied to the next unit all of which were in Germany. I was sent to Bosnia and that was when it started. I stopped eating breakfast, I would have only a little bit of salad for lunch then dinner I would either skip or eat then go and remove it from my system. Every time I saw myself in the mirror I repulsed myself I saw a fat young man, a waste of space; one who drunk an awful lot of alcohol vasts amount, when I look back at how much I scare myself that I could of died which at the time wouldn`t have been a bad thing.
After the 6 month tour I got back to base and my rountine changed. Every day i got up at 6am go for a 4-8 mile run, have a shower, miss breakfast, go to work, either have a small salad or nothing for lunch, dinner then exume it as it was not supposed to be in there but only show people I was eating. Sunday I would go to church but that was the only difference. Only one person had any incling and that was Lesley; female. She tried to say if I didn`t change she would report it thankfully she didn`t. I was feeling suicidal tendancies and fantanasied about what would feel like would I be missed; always no, so i tried to cut my wrist, the right way but after the first cut got scared and went for medical treatment with a **** and bull story.
That is when I started to write to my now wife; I had never been with a woman and was 25. We first met after writing and getting to know one another after 8months of each others company. She was training to be a nurse; ironic. I got sent to the Falkland Islands where I gave up alcohol and concentrated on getting fitter and thinner as all I saw was fat.
I came back to the uk after the tour and found it was harder to hide my eating habits and I felt like a fish out if water without my routine, that was my life my air my friend. She was my first and only partner my soulmate. She found out about my eating habits after a yaer and a half because she followed me and I didn`t lock the door. She said if I didn`t stop that would be the end of our relationship so for her I stopped. Two years after that we married and I went back to Bosnia but my unit was now in the uk. I fought the urge really hard not to go back to my old eating habits due to a promise. And at that stage I weighed 8st 5lbs and still felt ugly and fat.
I then left the Army my security my routine for her so we could start a family and break a loop where I would be there for our children. We had a molar pregnacy to begin with then after two years had a boy then another and a girl to date. As said before I weigh 12st 6lb. Istarted cutting after the birth of our second son for a long time then stopped when our daughter was due last year. Now i feel glad to have an old friend back for comfort and the cutting to take away the pain I bestoe on others; which to seems to be all the time.
I have always felt peoples lives could be and would be happier and better if I was not here on earth.
It seems to me only the nice people who care and want to fit in or be liked get used by everyone else as the play thing they can use and abuse am I wrong?
I don`t understand why people find it fun or enjoyable to abuse some one they are supposed to love or may be they don`t even think they are doing anything wrong. Did your husband ever give you a real heart felt reason as to why he did those things? Did you find out if he was unfaithful to you? He was everything else!
Does your son know any of your personal history? My children are still too young but I don`t think I could tell them, well not unless I found out or had an incling that they were going through some simular situation. I feel even then it would be a struggle to be wholy truthful. I know I can be trthful here as everyone has some of the same fears, thoughts, and heart ache. I still don`t really know where I want my path to go but until then I can`t really find any way to seek help. Is seeking help abmitting to yourself you aren`t c normal? Won`t people look at you worse than they do now? How would I look at myself?
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Old 11-19-2008, 07:42 PM   #6
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Re: i need the feeling of control

Yes, my husband was unfaithful to me twice back when my oldest son was 5, he is now 18, I forgave him and stood by him. When I was 6 months pregnant with my second son my husband had a very bad accident at work, he was electrocuted with 12000 volts and then he fell 2 stories from a cherry picker (crane truck) and basically died. They got him back, but he had broken every bone on the right side of him body, both of his hips, his pelvis and had severe brain damage, over the next year he had to learn to walk, talk, get his memory back relearn all math skills. Physical therapy 4 times a week, neurophyscological therapy 3 times a week, constant Dr.'s appt's you name it, and through it all I stood by him. But now over the past year, it's just gotten to wear I couldn't do it anymore and I couldn't put my 10 yr old through it. My 18 yr old son knows of my mental disorders, he knows of the cutting, and the suicide attempts, well the recent last 2. My young son, knows none of it, he wouldn't understand.

As for you position on getting help...you say, "how would you look in the mirror?" Dave, "How do you look in the mirror now?" Getting help is not a weakness, it's a sign of courage and being brave and taking control of your life and your problems. There are doctors/therapists that can help you and I guarantee it would help you not feel so bad about yourself, because you don't deserve it. Just think about it okay?

I cut myself today for the first time in a week, and at the time it felt so good to get all the crap out, but then I felt like such a failure, like I couldn't handle anything....that feeling gets so old, you know.

 
Old 11-20-2008, 02:03 PM   #7
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Re: i need the feeling of control

I see what i always see in the mirror and to be honest I look through the mirror as not to think about it. I only go to a mirror to shave really. I see an uglyness and fattness that can`t go. I know I keep harping on about weight but it has always been there if that makes sense. I don`t see some one truly happy though I do try and put a smile on for other people. Mel says I always look depressed even when I feel quite happy, so I don`t know, maybe I do drag everyone i`m with down.
You say seeking help is brave and I do believe you but I also feel like it is admitting you are a failure because you can`t take control of your life or deal with it in ways; those so called normal people do. I`m afraid that when I leave they will have a good laugh or think you are pathetic like I feel most people do now. I know I should feel really happy with 3 gorgeous chidlren and I do In part and when I am around them. But I go out on the very few occasions I feel like people are looking at me in distaste.
You truly are an inspiration, having your own physical and emotional battles, a toddler and a husband who need constant caring. Did he abuse you after the accident aswll as before? Did he ever say sorry for the heartache he caused you? did he say why he had an affair and was it a full on affair?
You must be really proud of your children and the way they turned out. would you ever go back in time and change what you have done in your life or live it as you have done?
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Old 11-20-2008, 02:25 PM   #8
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Re: i need the feeling of control

hmmm...seeing help as admitting your a failure...How about getting help as admitting that you want to better yourself and look in that mirror and finally be happy with what you see? And also make sure that you'll be around for your children when they need you?

No, my husband has never apologized and he probably never will, I've gotten to where I just don't care anymore.

Would I go back in time and change things, on the one hand, yes in a heartbeat, there are so many things that I had planned to do, but didn't because I met my husband and changed my plans. But on the other no, because I wouldn't have my two great children, and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

 
Old 11-20-2008, 02:51 PM   #9
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Re: i need the feeling of control

maybe I worry too much about other peoples thoughts. I know what you say is true about bettering yourself. But seeking medical help I don`t know; I would class this in a sense as a kind of help. I don`t want people who know me to know what I am capable of doing to myself and why and see there faces as I know what they would say without words coming out. Maybe fickle I know but why make there lives turn upside down, I am but one person and they are many!! You may be able to tell me when the people you loved how did you feel and what was going through your mind when you saw ther faces?
I will always be therefor my children if anything they are the one true constant in my life. I do live for them and to make sure they are safe from the big world outside. I feel the same about Mel but is it reciprecal I don`t know! I hope so I really do hope so.
I have to admit all that I have been through the ups and downs I wouldn`t change a thing as I believe the tiniest of alterations would have an impact on the rest of the events after that moment. I have to believe this is all for a reason I don`t know the answer to yet.
Do you feel any sense of closuer with your husband after all that has passed under the bridge? If not what do you still seek, if that isn`t a too personal question to ask? Did he leave the family home or did you move out with the boys?
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Old 11-20-2008, 05:46 PM   #10
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Re: i need the feeling of control

Dave,

Actually nobody has to know that you're going to a psychiatrist for help except perhaps your wife, it's a very private thing. My husband was always supportive of that as I've been BiPolar since I was 21, and the cutting has always been an issue too, although he didn't learn of that until recently, I was good at hiding it. But none of my friends or other family members know that I have a pdoc and tdoc unless I chose to tell them, nor do they know about the BiPolar, the PTSD, the SAD, or the Self Harm...geez it sounds like I could be a doctor with those credentials.

I left my home with my 10 yr old son, my 18 yr old chose to stay with his dad, and he is a fire fighter getting ready to go into the Acadamy and needed to stay near his company district.

I'm not sure what I expect in the form of closure, I've only been moved out for 3 weeks, so it's all very new and there are many adjustments still to be made.

 
Old 11-21-2008, 02:10 PM   #11
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Re: i need the feeling of control

How did you tell your husband you were going to start going to a pyschiatrist? Did you tell him why?
I am afraid Mel would ask why was I going and start to blame herself and I would take that blame and do something stronger.
I am still sh and not eating. I have started back to work on Wednesday after 5weeks off with pneumonia still not quite right but can`t afford to stay off any longer. I only have to small apples so I`m not completely running on empty while working. I do 12 hour shifts mostly. I am Finding myself at ease when working as I am not thinking or time to think about everything. It is only when work finishes and I start to try and relax that the desires to sh flood over me. I thought Mel had found out but luckily she thought it was just a stain on my pj top and just put it in the wash. I don`t know what I would be more upset about now: whether she found out or I couldn`t do it anymore. Does that sound silly~?
Have you set up home with your youger son by yourselves or with family? How is your sons taking it? I know when I thought my parents were going to seperate when I was 26 I felt quite devestated as I thought they would be together for life. They didn`t in the end as they sort help to work through their issues. I am not suggesting you should as I personally feel you have done the right thing for yourself and your children. Do you or will you have to seek some work? Congratulations on bringing up such a wonderful young man, you must be absolutely proud of your eldest son. It is no mean feat to want to become a fire fighter and to risk life and limb for your community and fellow man. I know if that was one of my children I would be.
Have you sh today or are you having a good day?
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Old 11-21-2008, 09:45 PM   #12
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Re: i need the feeling of control

Actually today has been a really bad day and for the past 2 days I've not been able to keep frm cutting multiple times at different times of the day. So needless to say I'm not doing so great. I stayed home from work yesterday, because my depression is getting worse by the hour it seems like, which is how it goes with the BiPolar, when the depression kicks in, it just continues to get worse until my psychiatrist pumps me full of some drug or ups my current drug to calm it back down. I had an "emergency" session with my psychologist today because I canceled an appointment yesterday and by the email I sent her she could tell I was in "crisis", so that helped some, but turned out to be just more crying, which it feels like I've been doing non-stop for 2 days and my eyes feel like they're feeled with sand. Sorry I don't mean to dump all this on you.

To answer your question yes, I do work I am a Financial Administrator and Stock Advisor, I actually was the main income maker in my household. My son and I have our own apartment all by ourselves, and we are both very content, my son is actually very very happy and calm and a different child than he was a month ago. He was actually the reason that I made my final decision to leave, he read me his journal one night and it said, I'm scared of all the fighting and arguiing, mommy and daddy do, I'm scared of daddy yelling at me when he's been drinking alot of beer, I'm scared and don't understand why mommy is sad all the time, and I don't like it when I try to help daddy and he yells at me. And he basically spent a week in my bed with me each night just crying and cuddling up to me, because he didn't know how else to let out his feelings, and that was it, by the 2nd night, I'd made my decision and rented an apartment the next day.

As for telling my husband about seeing a pdoc, I didn't have to, After Christmas last year I had a breakdown of severe depression to the point of not being able to get out of bed or stop crying for a week, I finally went to my GP, and when she asked what was wrong I couldn't even stop sobbing long enough to tell her, and of course I didn't really know. So she put me on Seroquel, which is a BiPolar med, gave me the name of a Psychiatrist, had my husband come pick me up, told him she'd given me a sedating med and to take me home put me to bed, give me 2 more in 2 hours and have me call the psych. doc. He was so worried about me at that point he didn't blink an eye. But remember he's dealt with this for a long time. He's been through 4 suicide attempts prior to that, and BiPolar since I was 21, so its not like this was all a surprise for him. The only thng he didn't know about was the cutting. So, anyway I called the pdoc, started seeing him for med management, he referred me to a psychologist who I see 1 - 2 times a week for therapy and that's how my life has been for the last 11 months. I see my pdoc every 2 weeks and my tdoc 1 a week right now. I'm in the midst of having my BiPolar meds adjusted because they're out of whack and that's always a pain, 'cuz it feels like I'm taking a new med every two weeks...and it just gets tiring trying to find the one that works.

But enough for tonight, I'm tired and pretty much done in, so I'll talk to you later.

 
Old 11-22-2008, 03:04 PM   #13
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Re: i need the feeling of control

Kat
Sorry to here you are having a rough two days probably three now. I knew you were stressed but not to this extent; I can`t make it easier but I can tell you I feel your pain and I am here for you so air as much as you want no holds barred I won`t and don`t judge just listen and vent myself.
Did the psychiatrist help and did she up the meds again? Do the upping and lowering of meds make you feel like you are on a roller coaster?
Did your younger son read you his journal before or after you left your husband? Has your oldest ever really talked about it or doesn`t he show his emotions like most men: me included? I can`t even read properly because you read the journal before you moved, tipical man ehh!

My stomach is making growling noises so i may have to do a few more sit ups to trick it.

Did your husband always drink alot? Or more so after his work accident?

It must be a real relief to know he has changed for the better, your son that is and is more happier and content. Do you work part time?

Did you vote Obama or do we not do politics here?

Don`t worry I won`t tell everyone if you don`t!!
Have you tried most drugs out there on the market then? Does your medical insurrance cover it all? The reason I asked is I recently watched the film, "Sicko" which is about medical insurrance and health care in America. I found it really interesting and sad in places.

How long did it take you to qualify and study to become a Financial Advisor and Stock Advisor? Do you enjoy it? Did you always have an interst in that path of occupation?

I wanted to be a pilot or a lawyer when I was younger. I applied to the Air Force but they said I was too young at 16 1/2 and that put a damper on my life so I went into the Army.

We have had alot of snow here today and it has been a nightmare to work in. I was driving back from a breakdown and it was pitch black and snowing heavily, a few times I thought I was going to leave the road and I was only going no more than 15- 20mph.
I don`t know how to feel about christmas yet, I can`t get in the mood yet, maybe in a couple of weeks.
How is your shopping going or haven`t you started?

It si getting late and I`m up early so I will end here but remember I am only a keyboard away so try and keep smiling and take it hour by hour.
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Old 11-22-2008, 10:20 PM   #14
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Re: i need the feeling of control

Today was actually worse than better, some meds that my psychiatrist put me on a couple of days ago are having some not so great side effects. So I've felt like crap cuz of the meds, and I don't really sleep more than 3 to 3.5 hours a night when my depression is bad like this, so I've just reall felt like crap today. I've put in a call to my psychiatrist to move up my appt. to next week, to see about changing meds, actually getting on a new anti-depressant that I've been researching. It may not happen though since it's Thanksgiving week and people only work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. So, we'll see what goes on. A month ago when I took my son and moved into this apartment by ourselves, my biggest fear was that my depession would spike and I wouldn't be able to take care of my son...and now my fear is coming true....so I have to get all of this under control, NOW. Between yesterday and today I've cut myself so many times 6 -7 cuts at a time....everything is just so screwed up and out of control.

I've tried alot of the drugs out there: Lithium, Depakote, Risperadol, Seroquel, Lamictal, Neurontin, Lyrica, Wellbutrin, Buspar, Paxil, Prozac,
Remeron, and others that I can't remember the names of.

Umm...as for my husbands drinking...he was a hard liquor drinker and major drunk before his accident that's when the physical abuse started, then after his accident he didn't remember he drank or any of the abuse, etc. He started drinking beer a year or so after, but that's all he drinks, he's never touched hard liquor again. He can drink alot of beer and not get drunk, and I mean like a 12 pack plus more....He drinks a 12 pack a night on week nights and a case a day on the weekends.

And I'm allergic to alcohol so I've never drank at all , so I have no tolerance or desire to be around it.

I have excellent health insurance, actually I hit my prescription out of pocket limit in June so all of my scripts have been free since then. And my employer pays for all of my health insurance, medical, behavioral/mental health, and prescription 100% for the whole family. I actually went to college and have a degree in computer science. Then got bored with that after a few years and got my Paralegal Certification. Then after 6 years of that and having a Nanny raise my son and never seeing him, I decided to go into Finance and get into a more regular hour job, and I've been doing that for the last 15 years. I added the Stock Advisor onto it about 7 yrs. ago after some classes.

What do you do for a living? I don't think you've ever said.

I've not started shopping for Christmas yet and at this point don't really care whether it comes or not. Guess I have to make it through Thanksgiving with my husband first. And hopefully my Psychiatrist will be a very very nice man and put me on the new antidepressant that I want to try.

but I guess I'll try to sleep now. stay warm in allthat snow. Kat

 
Old 11-23-2008, 02:13 PM   #15
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 58
davethan1 HB User
Re: i need the feeling of control

Hi Kat,
Thought you may have it worse, sorry the meds are screwing everything up for you. Do you think you will get an earlier appointment? I can`t say that I agree with you on the point of you messing up and not being able to look after your son because I think he is your one true solid rock you have to cling to while getting all this under control. You have cared for him all yours and his life virtually by yourself and from what I can glean not doing a too bad of job at it so please don`t put yourself down. I know the depression is part of the reason and as you said it is all about the right cocktail of meds.

As I said I used to drink to fit it in but not anymore I would probably be lying if I said I don`t touch the stuff full stop but I can take it or leave it, htat much I do have control over. You aren`t missing much by having an intolerance to it I can assure Kat.
This is how silly I am I thought your Thanks giving was the beginning of November so I have learnt something today.
Glad you have decent health cover not that I need it since we have the National Health Service over here which is free. Oh that reminds me I didn`t realise that you can`t mention film titles on this sight is there anything else? Maybe it was the title that did it I don`t know!
You studied very hard by the sounds of it. Did you have all of your parents support or did you have to do it off your own back? Where did you study and before you try to be funny I mean university? Did you enjoy your time there?
Is paralegal the "Ambulance chaser thing "? Or small claims?
I am a Breakdown technician I used to know the American term but it has escaped me. AAhh triple A I think you call it. I go out to people whose vehicles have broken down and try to repair them, and if I can`t either tow them home or to there mechanic so it can be repaired quickly. It is one of those jobs you would only do if you really enjoyed it as you have to work in all weathers, times of day and meet customers who can be pleasant and also abusive. We don`t work a 5 day week as the company has built up a profile over the years to see where the busy periods are, so it is demand lead. We get a roster for the year so we know where our days off will be so we can plan ahead. I like it htat way to be honest as I need to know things well in advance or I get stressed and panic about things. The pay is okay but that isn`t why I do it; I do it becuase I like to think I can make a difference to some ones day and maybe make it just a little bit better. It feels good to help people and be nice, it isn`t hard to be nice to some one instead of being horrible and making them feel like the pariah of the world that needs to extinguished.
Do you feel the same when you see the way some people just give you that look? I don`t get it too often when I am at work but most of the time out of though.
How long did you have a nanny for and was she a live in one?

I have cut today infact every day, I had to goto my inlaws for lunch aswell which I had to force down. I did manage to rid myself of it but I feel guilty because I don`t think it was soon enough. I think Mel is watching me like a hawk as she keeps asking why I`m going to the toilet and if I have started making myself sick again. I feel like such a peice of **** for it though which makes me want to cut myself more. I suppose it shows she has some feelings for me I think!! It has been 8 days to date not that long in relation to the pain I have caused.
At least we got the chance to sit in each others company this evening. Well it was for an hour so its start I would dearly love more of her time but she wants space. I don`t want you to think I am in her face all the time as I`m not, I just miss being held tight and the feeling of security and being loved.
I have another early start tomorrow then two days off yippee. So I will call it a night and talk to you tomorrow Kat. Try and stay strong and remember this happy thing your sons love you for being you and that is unconditional nothing you do will take that away from them, same as your love for them.
__________________
xxx davethan1 xxx

 
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