It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Self-injury Recovery Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 11-24-2008, 10:28 PM   #1
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: australia
Posts: 12
lozzij85 HB User
does it ever really stop

a slightly stressful situation can tip me over the edge. i can go ok for a while.. feel like im on top of things and then snap im gone again. when you've done everything you can to help yourself whats left? im on medication i see councillers, phychiatrists.. the lot. im doing my best to get out of this cycle and it just goes around and around. i just want it to stop!! i hurt so much i hate my past, my life, i dont see any future that isnt full of hurt. im confused right now i dont know what to do anymore. i cut today... should i be sorry? should i feel bad? cos it felt good i felt free for just a little bit. arghhh i feel like im going insane!! i dont understand why i cant stop why im so addicted. yeh ive had it tough i was molested as a child, beaten by my dad, raped and fell pregnant at 16 but is that all really an excuse? its in the past why cant i move on? god it hurts!!! i try so hard to not live there to help people and move forward but one bit of news brings me right back to where i was. does it stop? does anyone know?? im tired of trying

 
Old 11-25-2008, 07:52 AM   #2
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,070
katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: does it ever really stop

I wish I could tell you yeah it does, one day you just wake up and say, "hey I'm over it, I don't need to do this anymore" but it's not that easy. My past is somewhat the same as yours minus the pregnancy at 16 and throw in 20 years with an alcoholic abusive husband. I hate having to cut, but it's the only thing that makes me feel sane sometimes. It's the only thing that gets me through the day, when my son is at his dad for the weekend and my anxiety is through the roof, and my BiPolar Depression is so bad that I figure "not being" at all would be the best thing for everyone. My Psychiatrist called me Sunday to set up and appt. for Monday morning because I was in crisis mode, and I guess I didn't sound too good, because he asked me what I was doing, and I said, "sitting in the bathroom trying to clean the dried blood off the tile from last night." So we talked for a while, and he told me to take my clonazipan and go lay down for a bit, then he called back 2 hours later to check on me, it didn't mean that I didn't cut again that night, but it did help a bit to know that someone gave a damn about me. Self harm is a coping method that we learned to survive all of the pain and the hurt of all the bad things that happened to us from the time we were young and the people who were supposed to keep us safe, were the ones who hurt us the most. It's not a good coping method, but it's there. We can stop for periods of time, but it comes back and until we figure out how to get it under control and learn new coping skills it always will. So all we can do is keep tyring, we're not bad people and we will succeed some day, I truly believe that. So just keep on what you're doing, go to your pdoc, talk to your therapist, get it out, don't let the bad stuff bottle up, take your meds and just try your best, because honestly that's the best we can do. And just keep coming here and talking to us, if we help one another maybe we can find ways to help each other get some control over this disease.

Kat

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 11-25-2008, 10:38 AM   #3
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: australia
Posts: 12
lozzij85 HB User
Re: does it ever really stop

its so frustrating.. i was going well and i got on here to encourage everyone and help where i can thinking i was ok and didnt need it anymore. it makes me feel yucky and even more depressed after a bit cos of guilt. i dont why bad stuff happens to good people it just doesnt seem fair. i mean yeh im not that great but im not a bad person. do people understand you? do they accept this about you and just love you? i dont usually talk this freely about it only my pdoc and therapist knows but i wish i could tell someone... i close friend.. so i have support all the time. but if anyone finds out im afraid of getting hurt. they wont understand. its been a secret for so long. i started when i was about 15 my boyfriend used to cut me and himself when he felt like crap and when we had sex. it made me feel better but its only he and i that know and i dont even see him anymore or speak with him. he dumped me after his mate raped me.. and called me quite a few choice words. other than that and of course my doctors... no one who knows me knows this. i have so many thoughts going through my head this probably doesnt make sense and i am getting sick of talking about me when its not all about me.
i am glad that you got that call on a sunday! how did ur appointment go?
thankyou for sharing some insight and making a bit more sense out of it for me!!

 
Old 11-25-2008, 06:21 PM   #4
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,070
katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: does it ever really stop

Hey Lozzij,

My appt. went okay, my pdoc really is a compassionate caring doctor most of the time, he's also very smart and doesn't let you get away with any crap, if you know what I mean. He put me on a different anti-depressant to go with the mood stabilizer and anti-psycotic that I'm already on, so hopefully this will help. My BiPolar is really bad I have BiPolar Suicidal Depression, and my depression is getting to that point, and when it gets there the cutting just gets out of control. So enough about me, you know you are not a bad person, I want you to keep telling yourself that because it is so true. I don't know why bad things always happen to us either, my friend says to make us stronger...I always tell her I'm strong enough! As for how my friends and family take it, there are only a very few that know about the self harm, my 2 best friends and my husband and 18 yr. old son, and my minister that's it. My friends are very supportive and are always there if I need to talk no matter what time of day or night, as is my minister. My husband used to be, but we have recently seperated, so I no longer have his support, but that's okay, his support came with a major price, that I was no longer willing to pay. I don't tell many people because people don't understand and I don't need their judgement towards me. I don't even tell my regular doctors, because even they look at you funny, the only time I've told a doc is when I went to far and had to go to the ER and get stitches, and that happened twice, and thankfully the doc was very nice and supportive, so it was okay.
But stay strong and just keep trying to fight it, and I will too.

Kat

 
Old 11-25-2008, 10:13 PM   #5
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: australia
Posts: 12
lozzij85 HB User
Re: does it ever really stop

im really glad you have support around you!! i would like to find someone i can talk to and for them to understand and not judge me. its getting to much to do alone.. ur right.. sometimes we are not strong enough and its a struggle to get through each day! sometimes i wish a car would run me down or a tree crush me... so it was an accident.. not me that wanted to die. then its not selfish.. it just happened. im getting weak and tired of trying. its very tiring trying to be somthing your not. put on a happy face when i just want to scream. i really dont know what to do anymore. ill get through i always do... ill be happy for a moment until i remember and visualise everything again. id love to one day be able to wake up with a smile for the new day and be able to help people get out of the situations ive been through and am in. id really like that! and i could be proud of myself. i guess i can only dream

 
Old 11-26-2008, 11:33 AM   #6
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Manchester
Posts: 137
autumn29 HB User
Re: does it ever really stop

hi i know how you feel i want to help people as well but first i have to help myself which is not proving easy. And its nice to know someone from australia i used to live there but moved to england when i was 11, i lived in Sydney anyway. I want to ask the big question is there really an end because i used to think that the main reason i SH was because i had to move from my amazing home and i used to think that if i move back then i might stop the SH but i dont think i will once you climb up you cant get down because its so far and your to scared it you get me. About the killing thang you wouldnt be selfish because i feel like i want o kill myself and even though it may effect people you know they can live with it. Im not saying its a great idea but if you feel bad about doing it your gonna hate yourself more.

 
Old 11-26-2008, 08:06 PM   #7
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,070
katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: does it ever really stop

Lozzji,

I know how you feel, and what gets me out of bed each day and ready to face another day is my 10 yr old son. The hardest times are the weekends when he's with his dad, because then I have no reason to fight the sadness or the need to cut....so I try to set up plans to get out in advance, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. Do you currently have a Psychiatrist or Psychologist? I know how hard it can be to find good doctors, I went through 4 before I found my current team of Psychiatrist and Psychologist and now I wouldn't change them for anything. I think that's one of the most important tools for surviving and recovering from SH a good team of docs that can help teach alternate coping skills and ways to help ourselves not harm ourselves.

Autumn,

Have you found anyone to talk with yet? I hadn't seen you around much and hoped it was because you were talking with a therapist of some sort...


Kat

 
Old 11-27-2008, 01:21 AM   #8
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Manchester
Posts: 137
autumn29 HB User
Re: does it ever really stop

no Kat i have noone to talk to yet i just cannot get into the mode to ask for help because i am to scared and everytime i have asked for help it has just landed me in the same mess or even more. I am thinking of ringing childline but i dont know what to ask and to be honest i dont have much time to have a proper confo so i am on my own. The nurses at school dont see me anymore and i dont know why, i would not dare ask because i havnt got a clue what they say so the way i get by is thinking that when i turn 16 i can leave my mum and go back to australia where i could get help. There is one problem im not sure im gonna last that long. I wish i had something or someone to live for but i havent so i might give up.

 
Old 11-27-2008, 09:06 PM   #9
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: australia
Posts: 12
lozzij85 HB User
Re: does it ever really stop

hey, i live in the sydney area too.. it is nice here! to be honest im not sure if moving back here will help you.. just like you said. there are so many deeper meanings that cause self harm.. yes moving away is a HUGE thing.. as big change but maybe there is more to it. things that are going on subconsciously. ive moved 27 times now.. ive lived in more houses than i am old. and its very hard.. i feel insecure because of it. not planted i guess. but there are many other things that contribute to my SH. i hope you are having a good week tho.. that things will get better for you!!

 
Old 11-27-2008, 09:11 PM   #10
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: australia
Posts: 12
lozzij85 HB User
Re: does it ever really stop

Quote:
Originally Posted by katlin09 View Post
Lozzji,

I know how you feel, and what gets me out of bed each day and ready to face another day is my 10 yr old son. The hardest times are the weekends when he's with his dad, because then I have no reason to fight the sadness or the need to cut....so I try to set up plans to get out in advance, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. Do you currently have a Psychiatrist or Psychologist? I know how hard it can be to find good doctors, I went through 4 before I found my current team of Psychiatrist and Psychologist and now I wouldn't change them for anything. I think that's one of the most important tools for surviving and recovering from SH a good team of docs that can help teach alternate coping skills and ways to help ourselves not harm ourselves.

Autumn,

Have you found anyone to talk with yet? I hadn't seen you around much and hoped it was because you were talking with a therapist of some sort...


Kat
hey sorry.. forgot to reply to this one too. i did have good people to talk to before i moved... now i have to find someone else. i really hope things get better and easier for you.. i really do!! does ur son like seeing his dad? is he old enough to choose not to? i know we all got the choice who to live with. i hated both my parents but it was stronger with my mum at the time cos they split after she had an affair with my boyfriend. so i moved with my dad. then when i got a job i moved out cos i didnt wanna cop abuse anymore. it was very hard leaving my little brother with my dad tho but with me moving out i had a safe place for him to be in the rough times.

 
Old 11-27-2008, 10:33 PM   #11
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,070
katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: does it ever really stop

Autumn,

Sweet, sweet girl, you have tons to live for, you have your whole life ahead of you, and it can be an amazing one, if you choose to let it be...but first you have to get some help with this problem.

You say you don't have time to make a phone call....Make Time...this is so very important, call the childline, and just tell them what you do, and you need some help, a therapist to talk to, or counselor whatever, you dont even have to tell them your name if you don't want to, just please make the phone call hon. There is help out there for you,but you have to take that step to get it, and you are strong enough to do that.

Kat

 
Old 11-27-2008, 10:45 PM   #12
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,070
katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: does it ever really stop

Lozzij,

Actually my son didn't really get the choice, as he's only 10. My husband is an alcoholic and was physically abusive of me, and this made my son very stressed and scared, so I just told my husband when I moved out that he was coming in with me, it was never questioned. He sees his dad every other weekend and he's fine with that. I also have an 18 yr. old son and he chose to stay with his dad, because he didn't want him to be all alone, but he comes over once a week and stays ovrnight. And he's been here since yesterday and will stay through tomorrow, then they'll both go to their dads. The boys miss each other but their really was no other solution and everyone is getting used to it. We only live 10 minutes apart, so it's not that bad. And my husband works right next door to our apartment, so he stops by afterwork sometimes to say hi to our son during the week. And before you ask, my husband was and is never abusive toward our children, the abuse was only for me, so it is safe for the kids to be with him, and my 18 yr. old is there when the younger one is over to make sure the drinking doesn't get out of hand.

I hope that you find someone to talk with soon, I know how hard it is to change pdocs/tdocs. When you find a good one that you like, you want to stay with them forever, because it's not easy fostering that relationship, but I'm sure you'll find someone in your area. My pdoc just put me on a new anti-depressant this past Monday, and I'm starting to feel a little better each day, so that's a good thing, the depression is lifting slowly but surely, and the suicidal thoughts that plagued me last weekend have left. It makes it especially hard with the BiPolar Depressin, because it's so easier to SH, when you just don't care because you're so incredibly depressed.

Well I hope that you're doing okay.

Kat

 
Old 11-28-2008, 03:35 AM   #13
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Manchester
Posts: 137
autumn29 HB User
Re: does it ever really stop

I dont know if you would call it a good week i feel more relaxed because i am not at school. I have been off for two days because i have acute tounsilitus it thats how you spell it and i am going to a religous concert tonight. I think your right there are many things that make you self harm but i want to go back to australia. There where man people that cared about me that i had to leave from without saying goodbye to, you see my mum had to work six days a week to get us a small flat that was awful. She had to pay so that i could go to an after school club where the people loved me like i was there family. I want to go back to say thankyou and stuff and i think if i can do that then i target the rest of the sticky situation i am in. Its so strange to think the the thing that i had control of has know taken control of me why cant you just stop when you want to?

 
Old 11-28-2008, 05:17 PM   #14
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: australia
Posts: 12
lozzij85 HB User
Re: does it ever really stop

hey kat,
i bet that was so nice having your eldest over for a couple of days! i hope your weekend away from them goes ok.. do you have any plans? i am glad ur meds are starting to take effect. i got put on new meds this week to. i dont respond well for about a few days i feel nausious... not well at all was sent home from work a couple of times.. but they are starting to work which is good!

hello autumn,
i hope you find some close friends over there who absolutely treasure you! have you ever heard of the 5 love languages? well there is quality time, acts of service, giving gifts, physical touch, and words of affirmation. each person receives love differently and whichever one we are in that list is what we are better at giving away. which can make things hard when the other person we are trying to show we love them is a different love language. for example... my friend is gifts (loves getting and giving presents), and her husband is physical touch (loves hugs etc) anyway if my friend didnt know her husbands love language she could betrying to show him she loves him by giving him presents all the time when all he wants is a hug.. so he isnt feeling loved. maybe try and think what the people around you do for you.. maybe they are trying to show you that they love you in their way not even realising.
i hope this helps!!

 
Old 11-28-2008, 08:31 PM   #15
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,070
katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: does it ever really stop

Lozzij,

It was incredibly awesome having both my boys together for 3 days, and then the usual sadness when they left with their day, the house is just so quiet now. I always miss my little guy so much. Tomorrow I plan on giving the house a good scrub, mop the floors, scrub the woodwork, etc. then decorate the patio with Christmas lights, that should keep me busy most of the day. Then Sunday my mother in law is taking me and Nick (my youngest) out to dinner at our favorite steak house. So hopefully I'll do okay and be ablel to avoid the razors and knives. I was really proud of myself today, because I've not cut myself, and this is the first day in several weeks, so that's a very good thing. I'm glad your new med it starting to work, which one did they put you on? Mine is causing some extra anxiety, but we expected that, so I'm taking some extra Klonopin. I've also been a bit hyped up, hoping it's not a hypomanic episode coming on, but I'll just push through it until things normal out, I really want this med to work.

Well enough of me yapping. Hope you have a good night.

Kat

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Constant annoying pressure, anyone ever solved it? Benit Brain & Nervous System Disorders 65 07-09-2010 11:59 PM
Does anyone just not take their meds? Mokie Depression 7 02-11-2007 02:17 PM
please help me does anybodyfeel like me? tweeny456 Anxiety 99 01-30-2007 12:00 PM
i am very desperate does anyone know where i can get daugher help MYSISSYGIRLS Family & Friends of Addicts and Alcoholics 28 06-11-2006 02:19 PM
does anyone understand Me Felicia65 Depression 30 10-20-2005 07:50 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



katlin09 (20), flamesabers (10), ghelpmelivelife (3), Phoenix (3), bloodytears (2), nomeatforme63 (2), tearsnfears (2), MaddieLovesNPH (2), greenstarz (1), forgetyou (1)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1167), MSJayhawk (1000), Apollo123 (899), Titchou (836), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (747), sammy64 (668), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:19 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!