Sorry guys, I had a whole long response typed up to Dave's post last night then my meds kicked in and I fell asleep typeing, then when I tried to post it a few minutes ago, it wouldn't and I lost the whole thing. So I'll start again with the posts from today.
OMG, you got a counselor, I am so very very proud of you, this will help you so much with the self harm. Gosh I feel like a mother proud of one of her kids biggest achievments! As for the coping skills I gave you, you don't need to give me any guarantees, you just do what you can, that's all. A day at a time kiddo, if that's too much then an hour at a time, just do what you can do, okay, nobody expects anything more. I truly believe that 2009 will be a much better year for you, with the self harm counseling and the anger management, you'll do so much better. Just one word of advice, okay? Don't expect too much too fast, it will take some time, but you will see progress and it will get better, you will have to work at it okay. Honesty is a big key in counseling to getting better, just remember that.
As for the girl at school, just like Dave says, some people crave attention, good or bad. If you just ignore them, then they don't achieve what they want and they go away. So, since it's very hard for you to do that, then you need to walk away, as far away as possible and just don't think about that person. At this time, you really aren't in a position to help someone else, it's very sweet and caring of you to want to, but right now you need to focus on getting Autumn well. Staying away from people who agitate and activate you will keep you out of trouble, 'kay?
Will you be done with school tomorrow for Christmas break? My son is out for two weeks after tomorrow, he will spend one week with me, and then one week with his father.
Well hon I'm gonna post some to Dave. Once again, I am so damn proud of you for getting the counselor!!!
Well it's just a day for good news! I am glad to hear that you got Mel to listen to you and that y'all had a nice talk. I know how much that meant to you, and I know how much the holding and snuggling and just being close together is helping you keep your feelings in check which is making it able for you not to self harm or purge. You know as I read your posts I notice one thing, you're a bit hard on yourself about how much you eat. The important thing is that you ARE eating, yes for now it's small amounts, but eventually you will increase the amounts. Be proud of yourself for what you are accomplishing, okay. You need to give yourself a break, because through all these very hard times you have managed to not self harm or purge, hell I'v mery proud of you!
I'm sorry that I didn't tell you and Autumn with the Anniversary of my Breakdown...I'm just not used to relying on people. I've never had anyone to rely on, just me....I'm the only help that I've ever had. Between the PTSD, BP, SH, OCD it's just alot to keep up with, and all but the BiPolar stems from the sexual abuse from my father. My psychologist and psychiatrist don't allow me to have contact with either of my parents, and I have sent letters to them explaining that, but my father still sends me emails and cards and such. Well just seeing his name triggers nightmares and extreme self harm episodes for me. With the Christmas cards that have been coming this past week, the nightmares have been horrific and the cutting has been almost uncontrollable. I'm not sure if I ever told you, but a few months ago I had a nightmare that my father was attacking me and I was stabbing him with a knife trying to fight him off, well in reality I was stabbing myself in the left arm and ended up in the ER getting 20 stitches in seven cuts. I've got long ugly scars all over the top of my left arm that are very visual. They call it an "Amnesic Hypnotic Dream State", I slept through it, didn't feel a thing. When I woke up I and the bed were covered in bl*** and I had a knife in my hand, apart from the actual abuse it was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me.
You know I can live with the BiPolar and the Rapic Cycling and the Chronic Pain, the constant operations, the 14 meds I take a day...but the self-harm..it's the one thing that I wish I could just close my eyes and wish it were gone, then open my eyes and it would be....
hi ya Kat,
It is good news that I managed to talk to Mel and try and explain how I am in am emmotional wasteland and tettering on the edge of a cliff. As I said it was a big relief to find out I am the only one for her and that we both should try harder to give each the emmotiona support we need. I didn`t mention Rich and the ammount of contact, I will just have to learn to deal with it and not let it get me down.
We had a good day today we finished off the christmas shop and had lunch out. I made an effort to look nice for her and myself. I thought maybe if I look nice it might make a difference in how I feel. I think it worked but only time will tell won`t it. I did eat quite alot but I feel I shouldn`t eat an awful lot at dinner just a tiny amount. I think it will be a while before I feel fully confident to eat. It is still a force to eat what people want me to eat but if they see that I am trying then it has to be a good thing in my eyes.
We are taking the boys and Esme to the school disco tonight so they can play with friends and enjoy a late night in there eyes. It also supports the school as the money raised goes back to the school. Hopefullyt this year they will dance and not do what daddy does and stands in the corner. You`re rightr I should be proud of my progress in all aspects but it is easy to loose sight on what you are acheiving and concentrating on what you are not.
I am really thankful you are proud of what I am doing and it gives a warm glow and a comforting feeling because it does mean alot to know that, thankyou Kat.
Off the subject Kat could over doing exercise be another form of coping? Yhe reason I ask is I have noticed I am doing more in the morning and at night until my stomach and arms ache. Now I know there is no scares but I don`t want to be substiting one form of harming with another.
Autumn and I aren`t asking on you to rely on us we want for you to share and open up so we can offer you as much emotional support as we possibly can. As you know it takes more than one prson to break this cycle and if we all have a strong network foundation then surely there is a higher degree of a break through. I do class you as a very close friend Kat and I really want to get to know you and support you.
I know you have had alot to deal with personally with your history of problems and maybe your father has something to answer for for more than one of them. I`m sorry to say this and it reminds me of a film I watched with Mel and it makes my stomach sick that someone with so much trust can do such a thing to his family, I never fathomed out with mine and I sure can`t with yours, all I know is they make out it is your fault and if you tell anyone you get punnished and not the abuser.
I don`t know why your father continues to hurt you is it to let you know that he still has that power over you and no matter what you think or do he will do his damded to keep it?
I`m sorry that he still gives you nightmares and I don`t think that will be quick and easy to rectify and your psyc is doing all she can by my recolection to help.
No you didn`t tell me about the nightmare about your dad. I don`t know what would freak me out in your position then when you woke up; that you had the nightmare or what could happen during an episode. I don`t want to and I`m not making light of it but it sounds scarely close to the first Nightmare on Elm Street. I was 15 when I was told to watch it. I only got to where he was walking down the alley and that was it it gave me nightmares for weeks. You must be doubting yourself something chronic and I imagine you try and not to sleep incase you do have a nightmare, you do not deserve to have to deal with so much in your life especially ALONE Kat.
Maybe this year Kat will be your year and all of us together can make a difference in each others lives. We only have to look towards Autumn and see that anything is really possible with constant support, love and prayer. If everyone else could find there voice within and stand up and be counted then maybe we could reduce the suffering, incolsolable feelings of being alone, unloved, unsupported and unoticed.
We can but really try to make that wish come true Kat and I promise if you let me I will try and help you.
Well I had better go and start on dinner for the children as they will be getting really hungry. Talk to you soon, bye for now.
xxx davethan1 xxx
Last edited by davethan1; 12-19-2008 at 08:55 AM.
Hi kat i am proud of myself as well. So yes two weeks with not much to do and lots of family to see RRRRRRR!!! this will be the test of all tests i will defo need counciling after this. I also get help at school in lessons because the padua is know open to me whenever i need to go and its nice to know there is someone to talk to face to face if i wish.
Oh i know that you where talking to dave but i am reallt sorry about the awful dream you had i remember you telling me about one you had ages ago, i would be sh*t**g it if that could happen to me so i am happy to know that you deal with it in such a way i think i would just freak. Dave i am glad to hear that you are getting things back on track and what a good christmas present to have
well take care for know,
Hi Autumn and Kat
Well Just as I said I was having a good day, lovely day with Mel I sent her a text to say that. We then went to the school disco and she looked gorgeous and sexy so I texted her that and she icy cold. I saw a draft text on her phone to Hunniepie saying she missed him and couldn`t wait to see him and snuggle up later and she loved him. I dont know who it is for or when it was written. I know what I want to do I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and look at it was meant for me in the future or it was for Rich in the past before we had our talk. I feel really bad for seeing it and wished I hadn`t. My head is all confused again and I just want to keel over and cry why is it when I feel thing s are going so well I kicked in the teeth and brought down with a great big thud.
I got a text from her saying i am smothering her and not giving her enough space. I know I am not because I get excited about being in her pressence sharing time and moments with her and I don`t want to let them pass us by.
I am sorry for being negative again I am going to take a couple of sleeping pills which she bought me as I am not sleeping and try to be positive tomorrow. I am back at work tomorrow so I know it will be busy but it won`t fully distract me. I will give her the benefit of the doubt and try to give a little space. If she held me tonight it would have helped but she didn`t, anyway i will say goodnight to you both and talk later. They are natural sleep remedies so don`t worry I can`t overdose.
Why is it that we can't have things go well for any length of time? Is it fate, or the cosmic forces in league against us? Or does God just need some entertainment and we screwed up people are it....It's not fair I do know that. There are so many "normal" people who have great lives, no major problems, great jobs, healthy kids, etc. and then there are those of us whose lives resemble a snowball rolling down a hill, but intead of being made of snow it's made of bad, horrible diseases, mental illnesses, life distress, anxiety, distress, and just general pain and hurt, and as it travels it's going faster and faster and getting bigger and bigger. I'm sorry that your wife is wavering back and forth I know it must be very confusing, please stay strong and don't let it drive you self harm or purging, you can get through this without these behaviours, i know you can, we are here for you.
Your guess is as good as mine. I really hope that things don1t come in three`s because Autumn is doing so well and I couldn`t handle it if her world starts to crumble now; as you know she has gone through alot. I think you may have a point about the "normal" people getting away with no kick in the teeths but the like`s of us get everyone elses dose aswell as our own, May be I am a bad person and I`m getting what I deserve. I don`t beleive you have a bad bone in your body Kat so you can forget that for a start. I have been having bad thoughts not sh or purging but what we both tried and I couldn`t go through with. This time Iwas thinking tablets. I know I won`t do it but it is out there and there thoughts about making everyone happy. Do I deserve happiness it doesn`t look like it from where I am sitting.
This is how pathetic I am I have bought Mel a lovely christmas card and I have made an apologetic letter to go inside; Nice designs throughout, why because I love her, will it be well received probably not.
I did have an ephifany though as to why I ignored Mel all those years ago. When Mel was in labour with Jacob to say it was a joyous momment would be a lie.
To start the mid-wife didn`t like us and refused Mel an epidural on 3 occasions and when she was allowed the doctor said she was too far gone. Mel was struggling to push him out and he got stuck. No word of a lie 12 doctors came running in and lifted Mels ankles to her ears and forced Jacob out I was as white as as ghost and felt I had let Mel down in every possible way that night, he weighed 10lbs 14 ozs. they had to cut her to get him out and the doctor who did made a hash of it and nearly did irrefutable damage. When they stitched her 4 days later she got an infection and had to go back to hospital for a week. I suffered with severe post natal depression now looking back and start to retreat into myself and not letting Mel in to be a part of my life as so not to hurt again. If I kept her away she would be safe, ha that was a good move wasn`t it!!
Then when we found out Esme was on route everything came flooding back with new stresses of how would we cope financially and would she be Mels demise. Because they thought she would be bigger than Jacob she was brought into the world by c section a week early and by that time Mel had found solitude in Rich. No one never asked me how I was coping over Jacobs birth or offered me any support, as they did Mel I was to go through it alone or so I thought. I thought Mel had her support from everyone else and didn`t need me but she did and I know that I can`t change the past it hurts to know that my actions back then have done so damage here in the present. Can I make it right in her eyes only she knows and I have to hope I get the chance.
But as each day goes by I dread the next and think is this the last?
I haven`t sh or purged for another day which is good and I did eat a small amount which was spotted by Mel so I didn`t get an earful for not eating. I am feeling unwell though so whether I am not fully over the phuemonia and I have caught a cold I don`t know but I refuse to see a doctor incase he wants me to take more time off work because I can`t afford to especially in these uncertain times we are living in.
I hope you are doing a little better yourself and that you are feeling a little positive at thr rate you are coming off one of your meds. I know that I am proud of you. I know it will take time but it will all work out I`m sure of it.
Well it is getting late now so I will finish here and speak again soon. Take care and all my love David
Hi Kat and dave well what a weekend! My mum went out on friday night and when she came in she was drunk, she was with her friend who stayed the night but i got all the stuff out of her. Well when it was her birthday she went out with her brother and sister and her sister was in a bit of a mood. And she took it out on my mum, my uncle asked if my auntie could bring some stuff up to our flat in her car because we might have some visitors(my dad). Well my auntie said that my mum should move on from my dad because its has been too long, so my mum said that she had a boyfriend and his name was jamie(of course this was a lie). It was funny but if she felt bad about lying, which is a laugh seeing as though i am a big lie!
I had to go to my cousins party it did not go down well, i got called a chav because i am into to all the mckenzie stuff and i had headfones in, which out me in a mood also the family where slagging of my dad. I really hate my dad but i dont think they should be like that, also my cousin (who is six) wears glasses and i do sometimes and well they think that i am just wearing them for the sake of it, so whenever i see them they always ask me if i have my glasses with me and when i show them my nan always goes "mmm i cant see through them are you lying?" it does my head in they always have something bad to say about me. I know this might sound bad but sometimes i just think "i wish that this cut could go a bit deeper" and i have found a different way of sh its called PUNCHIN THE WALL it kills but all you get it bruses.
I only found out recently that they met couple years ago. So it was a shock, I thought she only went on the net to play pool and such like as that was whay she told me back then, then i find out it was more couple months ago now.
Kat I`m so sorry that you had a rough child birth aswell, but did your husband witness the birth and did you think he post natal depression? I am not being arguementative I just like to know that he didn`t push you away or cut you off from the emotional and loving support you needed and wanted. assume you think what I did was wrong, but I didn`t know I had it all I knew was that I saw Jacob and Mel and I relived the ordeal and it mad me feel sad and down. when you say step back and re evaluate what do you mean? All I get from Mel is mixed signals on minute she is fine with me then the next I`m not giving her the space she wants, that is what really hurts me not knowing if I`m coming or going. I know I was wrong and all I want is her to forgive and start to move forward in our relationship, does that sound unreasonable to you?
Maybe she didn`t set out to find someone else but made a friend that ended up that way. do you think I`m weak?
I still haven`t sh or purged but eating is a slow process. My brother and his partner are down wednesday for christmas so that will be fun. Don`t know if Mel will put a show on and when they go resort back to ignoring me?
The family is looking forward to christmas except me, I would rather concentrate on my marriage but two people have to do that not one.Mel liked the card and note I gave her today monday. She thought the words were lovely so this just confuses me more, I think I am reading everything too emotionally and I need to step back as you say.
What are you doing for christmas this year? Have you got the boys or have you got the ex aswell. How is the meds situation going? Have you had your last meetings with the pysc and doc? How did the shopping go with the youngest?Well I better try anfd sleep as I`m up at 7am for work so I will say bye for now Kat all my love take care and look after yourself.
Hey, hope you're doing well. First of all Congrats on not Self Harming or Purging, you are doing soooo great with that!!! I don't think you're weak for starters, lets get that straight. I do get irritated with you, but only because you put so much blame onto yourself and it does not belong there. Just like you said, one minute your wife is nice and trying to work things through with you, and the next she's not...and now the fact that she's been seeing another man for years? This is just a bit too much for me...I'm not sure if the shoe were on the other foot, that I'd be able to deal with all of that, much less transverse it and lay the blame on my own shoulders, like you do.
You need to try and look at this situation from someother angle besides your guilt, because that is what's weighing you down and keeping the SH and purging so close to you...it's like you're on the ledge of a cliff and you have to be so very careful, one inch here or there and you'll tumble over the edge. You're managing to eat, but not much, and it's an ordeal everytime. Making things perfect between you and Mel seems to be occupying your every waking moment, almost like an obeseeion, but like you said, It takes two to do that, and I'm not sure how she can be doing that and still have her "friend" on the side? Right now you have to concentrate on YOU and what's best for you, to keep you from SH or purging, but allowing you to eat each day so that you're nourishing yourself somewhat.
My pdoc appt. went okay today we didn't add any new meds, just went back onto one that I'd been on before, so I know that there won't be any wierd side effects. Pdoc and tdoc appts. are done for this week, I have tdoc next week, that one is every week, then back to pdoc in 2 weeks for a med check, where he will most likely add Clonopin for Trauma induced nightmares. Christmas will turn out okay I think. My husband and son are actually planning to spend Christmas Eve night here so that we can all be here Christmas morning together, then off to the Grandparents for gifts and Formal Christmas Day Dinner. So all should be well.
Well it's late and I'm off to bed. Stay safe and try not to worry too much.
I hope you made it through Christmas without too much damage. How will you be spending the rest of your vacation? I am still so proud of you for starting with the Counselor and especially for talking with your Mum about it...you are making so many positive changes in this coming year. And what I said to NeonDreams is perfectly true and my honest sincere opinion of you, You are an Awesome STRONG Young Lady and don't let anyone in this life ever tell you, or convince you any different, okay? Let me know how you're doing, 'kay?