It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Self-injury Recovery Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 12-20-2008, 07:39 PM   #1
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: WI
Posts: 4,189
dreams in neon HB Userdreams in neon HB User
New Member

Hi everyone,

I'm not exactly sure how to write my introduction so I will begin by saying that I'm diagnosed as bipolar I ultradian rapid cycling (this means I experience severe mood swings on an hourly basis) with a secondary diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder.

I was recently hospitalized after being manic for the past several weeks. When the ER staff took a look at my skin, they noticed all kinds of scratches and asked me what they were from, so I had to be honest and tell them I SH'ed.

I tend to SH whenever I'm severely depressed or angry (my anger usually occurs at the end of a manic episode). I don't cut.

Instead, my behaviors center around punching and scratching myself. Sometimes I end up digging my fingernails into my skin so deeply that they cause bleeding wounds.

I've had this behavior for as long as I can remember, but never thought to get treatment for it until my most recent IP stay. I've been in therapy for the past year and a half for my bipolar and am currently working on some childhood abuse issues, but I also know I need to deal with my SH as well since I view my SH as a means of controlling my depression/anger (and life to some extent).

I hope to be able to give as much support as I receive on the boards.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 12-22-2008, 06:34 AM   #2
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Manchester
Posts: 137
autumn29 HB User
Re: New Member

Hello Neon,
Hope you are feeling better and thankyou for sharing your troubles with us all. Gosh you certainly have alot to deal with, personally i do not think i could manage with that. Well i hope that you will benifit from this and that you find some means of support and comfort. From what i have gathered i am the youngest on the board and the one with the least problems, i have been sh for two and a half years and in that time i have rarely told anyone about doing it. For me healthboards is great because noone can judge you and i hope that you will see that to. Looking forward to hearing more from you.
Take care,
Autumn

Last edited by autumn29; 12-22-2008 at 06:37 AM.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 12-23-2008, 01:27 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: WI
Posts: 4,189
dreams in neon HB Userdreams in neon HB User
Re: New Member

Hi Autumn,

Thanks for your warm welcome and for sharing your experiences regarding SH. It's good to know that I'm not alone because I've been suffering with this for a very long time yet haven't told anyone about it -- not even my family.

Today I saw a second pdoc (I'm trying to find a new one since the pdoc I had previously did absolutely nothing for me). I felt very comfortable with him to the point where I told him that I SH'ed and he told me it wasn't his place to judge and that everyone has different ways of controlling their emotions. That made me feel alot better because I'm so afraid of others (even professionals in the mental health field) looking down on me if I admit the truth.

I have an appointment with my tdoc on Friday and plan to discuss this more with him at that time. Hopefully it will be the start of a healing process so I can start to get this behavior under control because it's something I really struggle with (as I'm sure many here do).

Thanks again for the welcome.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

Last edited by dreams in neon; 12-23-2008 at 01:31 AM.

 
Old 12-23-2008, 10:22 PM   #4
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,070
katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: New Member

Dreams,

Hi, you found my second home on the HealthBoards. This is a great Self Harm support group. There are some really good peoples here who give and receive support, I'm sure you will fit in just fine.

I've been utilizing this board for quite a while, not quite as long as the BP board. We've never really talked about our Self Harm pasts, i've been cutting since I was 13ish. Off and on, sometimes I can go for quite a while, but not too often unfortunately. My cutting is PTSD related, once again, unfortunately the coping mechanism I learned was not the right one, and trying to retrain the brain after this long a time (27 yrs) seems almost impossible. I try over and over to use alternative coping skills, I've even posted some of them on here for Autumn and a few other people, sometimes the work, sometimes they don't. This year has been particularly bad for me, and the cutting has been well, pretty severe in it's intensity. At times I can go for a few days without SH, but usually it's daily or multiple times a day. It's been exactly one year on the 25th that I had my "catatonic" breakdown and all the memories from my childhool and the molestation/abuse became unlocked from my head and rushing up to the surface. Why, we've not completely figured out yet, my pdoc's opinion is that my mind had decided that I finally felt "safe" enough in my body/mind to deal with it...well my "mind" was very very wrong! So here I am, a year later, many many med changes, cutting almost daily, 2 severe bouts ending in ER visits and 26 stitches, 2 suicide attempts and 1 IP stay.....so much for my mind knowing what the heck it was talking about. I've been able to hide the cutting from my husband up until this year, but the increased frequency and intensity made it impossible, so his finding out was not an easy thing to deal with either.

Well now you know my sad tale. But the good part is, there are always peopel here to pick you up when you're down and cheer you on when you're doing good. Autumn is an awesome, strong young woman who is a great supporter.

Glad you came over and joined us.

K

 
Old 12-24-2008, 12:55 PM   #5
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Manchester
Posts: 137
autumn29 HB User
Re: New Member

hey i know how you feel about the whole family thing. I hated the thought of telling my mum about it and stuff and know i do not need to because i get my counciler and my mum aggreed to it but she didnt ask why i needed one as she doesnt really care. Goodluck for friday i am sure that everything will go fine and that this little situation will be controlled a bit better. As for the SH thing i do it whenever i feel angry sad or well whenever really, you see when i am at school i always seem to get in trouble or something goes wrong and i can really ralk to anyone about it so i SH.
I must say that when this teacher found out and told the child welfare officer she treated me very well i was actually able to feel comfortable when i spoke to her which is wierd seeing as though it was the first i spoke about my feelings.

 
Old 12-24-2008, 01:03 PM   #6
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Manchester
Posts: 137
autumn29 HB User
Re: New Member

hey i know how you feel about the whole family thing. I hated the thought of telling my mum about it and stuff and know i do not need to because i get my counciler and my mum aggreed to it but she didnt ask why i needed one as she doesnt really care. Goodluck for friday i am sure that everything will go fine and that this little situation will be controlled a bit better. As for the SH thing i do it whenever i feel angry sad or well whenever really, you see when i am at school i always seem to get in trouble or something goes wrong and i can really ralk to anyone about it so i SH.
I must say that when this teacher found out and told the child welfare officer she treated me very well i was actually able to feel comfortable when i spoke to her which is wierd seeing as though it was the first i spoke about my feelings.
Well i better go know and i hope you and the rest of the gang have a great christmas
P.S Kat i would not say that i was strong because at the end of the day i would not be in this situation but thanks

 
Old 12-25-2008, 12:29 AM   #7
Registered User
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: California
Posts: 1,777
mscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB User
Re: New Member

Hi there,
I am also a new member on here, and this is my first post. You have a lot to deal with , and I just wanted you to know that your not alone. I think it is very good that your looking for support, and have a good handle on what is going on with yourself. that is the first step in getting well, and controlling unwanted behaviors or changing them.
since I have not posted anything yet about myself personally, I just wanted to say welcome here.

 
Old 12-26-2008, 01:11 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: WI
Posts: 4,189
dreams in neon HB Userdreams in neon HB User
Re: New Member

Kat and Autumn,

Thank you both for sharing your experiences. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting this battle all alone with no one to help me because I know if I told my family, they just wouldn't understand.

I saw my tdoc today and we had the opportunity to talk about my self harm. I have other more pressing issues to discuss (such as abuse/trauma issues), but my tdoc said he is definitely going to talk to me further about this to see if we can find ways for me to counteract this behavior. He's even thinking about dividing my therapy session in halves where I discuss my bipolar/moods, my abuse/trauma and then my self harm so we can discuss as much of it as possible. I may even start seeing him once a week instead of bi-weekly as I do now.

I feel *so* much better having found this board and having others I can talk to about this.

Thanks for making me feel welcomed!
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 12-26-2008, 01:15 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: WI
Posts: 4,189
dreams in neon HB Userdreams in neon HB User
Re: New Member

mscat40,

Thanks so much for the warm welcome (and welcome to you as well!).

Before I joined this board, I felt a sense of desperation that I no longer feel now thanks to all of you.

I self harmed yesterday because of something that happened to me, but it looks like this is going to be a continuing struggle until I can learn alternative ways of coping with my emotions.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

Last edited by dreams in neon; 12-26-2008 at 01:18 PM.

 
Old 12-26-2008, 01:30 PM   #10
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Manchester
Posts: 137
autumn29 HB User
Re: New Member

hey mscat nice to hear from you and welcome to healthboards if you want a place to come and unload your troubles without people seeing you then you have come to the right place. Gosh i am so happy that christmas is over my family are so strange and they really do my head in. But its all over know and i wont have to see them for a while, i got no news of my dad did not really expect to but i think my mum wanted to hear from him just so that she knows he does give a sh!!. As for me i just wanted a present or a card to know hes bothered but i wasnt to botheres because i stopped caring ages ago. I have not SH for threes days but i have the urge again, i really wanted to yesterday because i was with the family buti did not and i am proud. Well i am off know looking forward to hearing from you

 
Old 12-26-2008, 01:37 PM   #11
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Manchester
Posts: 137
autumn29 HB User
Re: New Member

Kat you are kind of using the other thread to talk to dave so i say my bit on here. Thanks for the coping things i have used the one with the ice cubes and it did work for a while but then it just wasnt enough, i also wrote some things down and then ripped it up but i am afraid that did not work either. I did not SH for about 2 days on the trot and i know that sounds bad but for me that was good and i amhappy with that i will try again but i dont know whats gonna happen. I am not using and elastic band but a really tight bobble and that kida helping so lets see how it goes and at least i am trying right?
Hope you feel better
and hope you had a good christmas

Last edited by autumn29; 12-26-2008 at 01:44 PM.

 
Old 12-26-2008, 06:42 PM   #12
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,070
katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: New Member

mscat,

First let me apologize for seeming like it took so long to Welcome you, I actually typed up a post last night but between my BP meds and my CP meds I ummm fell asleep while typing it and it went bye bye.

Sooo Welcome to our corner of the Board Community. Hopefully we can offer you support and get some from you as well. Any time you need to vent, or talk or anything else feel free there are plenty of nice people here to share with.

 
Old 12-26-2008, 06:54 PM   #13
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,070
katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: New Member

Autumn,

OMG girl you are doing so great! I am so proud of you. You're trying many different coping skills and going 2 days without SH that is terrific. Keep up the hard work, because I know it is work, and I know it is hard, but I also know you are strong, and amazing and you can do it! See you had to deal with the family and your dad's dissapointment and you still fought the urge to SH, you can do it. I like you am pretty glad that Christmas is over, it was okay but it kinda wears me out you know? Unfortunately I haven't made it the last 3 days without SH, only 2 but I'm working on it. Hopefully now that all of the stress of the Holidays and family are over...things will get a bit easier. *l* Well I know that's not true, but it felt good to say/type it.

So when are you going to start seeing your counselor? I tried to get a break from one of my pdoc/tdoc over the holidays, but neither of them were buying it, so my usual weekly and bi-weekly visits are as per usual. I know, I know I've tried to get you into counseling forever, but that doesn't mean I don't get tired of mine every once in a while.

But, back to the important stuff...You my amazing girl, keep going strong and trying those alternative coping skills and doing your best not to SH, take it a day at a time. And remember, if you do happen to SH, DO NOT think of yourself as a failure, you hear me? If we take a step back it's okay, we're not perfect people, the progress you're making is amazing, the choices that you are making in going to see a counselor and talking to your Mum about it also super! I am so proud of you and the progress you are making!!

 
Old 12-26-2008, 07:07 PM   #14
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,070
katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: New Member

Dreams,

Good to hear that you're starting to open up to your tdoc about the SH, I know it's not an easy conversation to start. I probably never would have talked to mine about it, had she not come out one day and asked me if I hurt myself? I looked at her like, "what the f***?" She saw some ummm..."different" looking scratches on my wrist. I had hid this from everyone, including my husband for 27 years! (My husband thought I was clumsy in the garden and when I cooked.) And this woman whom I'd known for only 2 1/2 months only had to look at my wrist and knew. So thus begain my tdoc's and my's journey into self harm and my particular favorite, cutting, and of course the reason for it, ptsd having to do with my father, blah, blah, blah.

I see my tdoc every week, sometimes twice a week, depending on how bad the trauma induced nightmares are, and the cutting. Right now the cutting isn't so bad, but the nightmares are off the chart, sleep is not my friend.

I know you're having some troubles with whatever happened to you Cmas day that made you start Rapid Cycling, and self harming, if you need to talk about it I'm here. You won't shock me, we've all heard the stories or been though hell and for the most part made it back somewhat in one piece. Keeping you in my thoughts as always.

k

 
Old 12-26-2008, 10:56 PM   #15
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: WI
Posts: 4,189
dreams in neon HB Userdreams in neon HB User
Re: New Member

Hi Kat,

I'll be honest with you. Christmas was very hard for me because one of my sisters got drunk the night before. We ended up getting into a huge fight (because I told her I disapproved of her getting drunk and she tried to justify it by saying that she works 13 hour days). I was supposed to stay the night and spend Christmas Day with her, but after our fight, I asked her boyfriend to drive me home. That's when the rapid cycling and SH started. I stayed in bed the entire day on Christmas, cried uncontrollably and SH'ed. It felt good being able to relieve my anger and depression even though I know it's not right. Would you believe that my sister never even returned my call to wish me a Merry Christmas? This was my first Christmas alone and it hurt. It hurt *so* much.

I'm back to feeling okay again today. I haven't rapid cycled all day which is a good sign, but I don't like feeling "blah." I want to feel manic again and miss it so much.

The only positive thing that happened to me today was my tdoc appointment. We had the chance to talk about my SH a little and it felt good being able to talk about feelings I had never expressed to anyone. We talked about why I SH, the cause of my SH and next time will discuss ways that I can counteract these behaviors. He seems confident that I will have the ability to successfully deal with my SH since my behaviors are not life threatening. I hope he is right because I don't want to do this to myself anymore...
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
rape/family member? julie39180 Rape / Sexual Abuse 12 11-25-2010 04:30 AM
Member Titles Administrator Registration/Membership/Site Problems 1 02-07-2010 03:51 PM
A member to be remembered as they have passed away. Secrets1983 Addiction & Recovery 5 09-09-2009 03:18 PM
What To Do If You Even THINK! A Family Member Has Alzheimer's! moonflower3127 Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 7 10-31-2008 10:37 AM
CONGRATS TO BOARD MEMBER gsjjs1. Please Read! zibah Infertility 10 07-20-2005 01:07 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



katlin09 (20), flamesabers (10), ghelpmelivelife (3), Phoenix (3), bloodytears (2), nomeatforme63 (2), tearsnfears (2), MaddieLovesNPH (2), greenstarz (1), forgetyou (1)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1164), MSJayhawk (999), Apollo123 (898), Titchou (833), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (747), sammy64 (667), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:25 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!