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Old 12-26-2008, 09:45 PM   #1
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howdy

I am a new member here , and thought I'd better introduce myself first. I am a single parent with a disabled , teenaged , son.
I also have fought mental health probelms most of my life. I hate even writing that down about myself It started out as a victim of child abuse, and then placed into foster care. I stayed with the family though but, it was not a healthy environment. My foster mother was abusive, towards me, and that just compounded the probelms. Especially, as a kid. So at 13, I started running away all the time. Then by, 16, I ended up being placed in a psych ward , 3 of them, for 2 yrs. Then, I got out was placed in a group home, and suffered a severe eating disorder for ten more years .
I did straighten up though , at 24 became pregnant. My life forever changed and the focus was on a baby, not myself, or any self destructive behaviors.
I did good for 10 years. Even though it was a chalenge, and not easy at all , I hung in there. I worked full time as a preschool teacher and raised a child on my own.
However, over 5 yrs ago, I lost anther job , one that i had for the longest in my life. Then I made a choice to move. I picked everything up and moved to a tiny town. I moved to be near my biological brother and his family. At first things were really nice. But, it quickly fell a part.
i became severely depressed clinically, and then a year later took on self injury , again . I had not self injured in years. But, then when started again, it was bad. I Self injured horrificaly many times, severely. Anther , label was appliede to me as Borderline , in which i found out later I had already been diagnosed as having yrs ago.
I've severely self injured to point of being in the critical care unit several times actually. I do not cut though, but burn. The burning just has become out of control at times, and now i have very severe scars .
i am right now, healing from the last self injury that was done two months ago. THe SI is that bad that it takes several months to heal from. Right now, I can't do much physically. For the last couple of years I have SI'd badly always around the same time of year. But, this time , it just has intensified. The SI is probably considered more on the major side, and it is not to die either.
I know that is not what I am doing, or want is to die. But, it scaes me to become this out of control , and disacioted that i do hurt myself badly at times. I also SI to lesser degree too.
I hope to god I never SI like this again, but, sometimes, i really do not know anymore if I can actually control it all the way, wheni severely have hurt myself.

 
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Old 12-26-2008, 11:21 PM   #2
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Re: howdy

Welcome to the boards. As you know, I am new here myself.

Wow. It sounds like you've been through alot. Like you, I also suffered abuse as a child from both of my parents.

I've been receiving mental health treatment since the early 90s. Back then, I was diagnosed as having MDD (major depressive disorder). In 2006 I suffered a severe manic/psychotic episode and was diagnosed as schizoaffective. 12 months later, my diagnosis was changed to bipolar I rapid cycling and last week changed yet again to (what I, my tdoc and new pdoc think is the correct diagnosis that I've had ever since the early 90s) atypical bipolar I with rapid cycling.

My SI centers around punching myself, scratching myself and digging my fingernails or other sharp objects into my skin. I've had these behaviors for as long as I can remember, but they have become worse since my "supposed" diagnosis of schizoaffective 2 years ago. When I'm at the end of a manic episode or am in a depressive episode, I become severely depressed and extremely irritable which only serves to exacerbate my SI.

Again, welcome. I look forward to supporting you in any way I can.
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Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
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Old 12-27-2008, 12:51 PM   #3
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Re: howdy

thank you for sharing your past with me. You seem to know yourself quite well. And that is very good. Honestly, I do not understand the SI and why it gets so bad for me .
AS many yrs. as i have been struggling, i should know more about what is going on with me. A lot times when the diagnoses is changed or something new is added i do not even know.
I try not to ask, or focus on the label. But, I am curious. I do know that BPD and severe clinical depression are the two main ones for me. I also have a problem with losing contact with reality , and then the SI can be very bad. When I do not feel anything and everything is unreal. THat happens mostly when I am alone.
I got into getting tattoo's last yr. to get people to stop staring at all the burn scars. I have some pretty cool ones, but now I have so many burns and tats that it is a mess. I guess I get carried away . LOL.
I have paw print tats on my fingers, and tats all the way up my right arm, then , a few on my neck , one on my right calve.
My last severe SI was on my stomach, so that can't be seen. I had burns on my upper arm, that the Surgeon recently skinned graphed . That surprised me, because I did not know the burn was that bad.
It made me mad he graphed my arm there. But he did it when he did all the rest.
thing was that their was a lot of graphing done , and taken from my thighs, and hip . That is why it is so painful. For a while I have many more open wounds after surgery. Both legs, skin was taken too. Plus to cover the burned parts. I had to have blood transfusions, and their were complications from blood pressure.
It was a rough time, and still recovering. This was done around Nov.10. Over two months ago, and i am not healed.
I would not a call the SI life threatning, but very severe. OK, so what if it is trauma to to the body, and hospital stay in the CCU.
THe burn unit knows me, all the people there. How embarassing, huh. the doctors and nurses remember , and know me. Both inpatient and out. YES, each time there is an incident I am psych evaluated again . It is dumb though, because I just say NO, I was not trying to die. ANd after the SI i am usually feeling so much better too.
I get out, and i have a therapist and Psych doct. i am thinking about trying DBT. though. I am not much into talking in groups though, and that is why my therapist never mentioned it . It is suppose be good therapy for siers though.
I wish I had better control over it, and wish I did not hurt myself so badly like that. It scares me that each time is worse and worse. But, I do not know if I can fully control not si'ing anymore. I wish someone could understand .

 
Old 12-27-2008, 02:35 PM   #4
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Re: howdy

Mscat,

You've shared your story in trust with us, so I'll share also,

My hell trip started when I was 10 and my father began sexually molesting me, this continued until I was 13, becasue I was too stupid to tell someone. He had been in prison before for doing this to my half sister, but the day he got out my mom remarried him and brought him back into our home. When he began molesting me...he would tell me if I told anyone, he'd go back to prison and it'd be my fault...at that age I never knew why he was there in the first place...

When they finally got divorced and he moved out when I was 13, i would wait in fear for the days he came to visit, I didn't have to worry about the physical abuse anymore, now it was just mental, he would constantly talk to me about sex, descreibe things he had done to my sisters, me, etc. At times I thought i would go crazy. I just kept burrying myself further and further inside myself. I had nobody to tell...my mom sure as hell didn't care...she was busy moving one scummy boyfriend after another into the house. At one point when I was 14 she used to make me take the current BF coffee in the a.m., when I went in he was masturbating, so I backed out, scared and told my mom that night. Her response was, "yes I know, due to his heart condition that's how he has sex, just put the coffee on his nightstand..." I was terrified and she made me do this! So needless to say I began Cutting myself when I was 13 to deal with the pain, fear, anger you name it and have been doing it ever since. On and Off throughout the years, not all the time, quit for a while, start again, stop again, never able to leave it behind. Somewhere along the way I managed to bury all of the abuse from my father and forget about it, until last December, at which time I had a breakdown and everything came flooding back. Since then I have been in intense psychotherapy, pretty much cut myself on a daily basis, have been in the ER twice resulting in 26 stitches.

I was also DX'd with BiPolar Disorder with Severe BiPolar Suicidal Depression when I was 20, I've had 6 suicide attempts, with the last being in July, that was also my last in patient hosp. stay. I am a Chronic Pain pt. and have had 21 operations in the last 10 yrs. and will have my next in May. So, life is not my friend, I try to keep living it for the sake of my children...and sometimes I can't convince myself that even that is enough....when I fail....i pick myself up and keep trying. Luckily I have made friends on this and the BP board that allow me to express some of my feelings instead of keeping them bottled up. Along with my pdoc and tdoc I manage to make it through a day at a time.

 
Old 12-27-2008, 04:27 PM   #5
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Re: howdy

Hi Katlin,
you have been through hell, and your story brought tears in my eyes. I am so sorry you had to go through what u did at such a young age.
You are a survivor, and this is what is important. You are strong, and tough, and fighting everyday to keep going.
Thank you for wriring about yourself. I am starting to feel comfortable in here , and not so jaded.
SI is a ***** and always has its unlying roots. I honestly can't tell myself even why the SI has become so severe, and this is what scares me. I know i do not want to die, and i am terrified that that is what is going to happen. Going to far, and getting an infection, killing me before i am ready to go.
I am just 40, and still feel like a kid. A kid at heart, really never growing up.
I have a 15 yr old son with autism, single mom always, and never married. I use to teach young children , but became fully disabled a yr. ago. I have been on disabilty before , but my father helped me get it. I did this myself, and was denied at first, then on a reconsideration was approved.
So as for now, i try to eliminate stress, which is inpossible. SO I stay at home to myself. Quietly, trying to be calm, and cool. Trying to take care of my son. My son keeps me going. I love him so much. I believe if I had not became pregnant , I could of been dead long ago. from the severe eating disorder, and all the crap I did to myself. Way back then in my 20's.
The story of self destruction has been a theme in my life for as long as i can remember.
Here now at 40, still a mess, when does it ever get better? does anyone know? I think of that movie "as good as it gets" and sometimes wonder to myself , is this as good as it gets?

 
Old 12-27-2008, 05:37 PM   #6
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Re: howdy

Mscat,

Knowing that we can stick together and understand each other has helped me tremendously in the last year or so that I've been a member here. It took a while before I trusted even talking to the "strangers" on this board, but then when I did It felt like a brick being lifted from my chest. This partiuclar malidy, self harm, who do we talk to it about, friends? family? of course not, they don't understand, they never will. My husband, whom I'm currently seperated from knows, and even through he tries really hard, he always wants to "fix" me....and he can't. He used to go through the bedroom or bathroom and throw my blades or knives away thinking that would solve the problem, but I'd just buy more. So, besides my pdoc and tdoc this place is a life saver. I too tend to zone out and not even realize that i'm cutting myself..I don't feel it, I'm just numb, the pain and terror of the past takes over and that's how I deal with it.....it's not as bad as it used to be..but still occurs sometimes. The 2 times that I've had to go to the ER in the last 5 months for stitches, were due to hypnotic dream states....basically I dreamed that my father was attacking me and I was stabbing him with a knife, but unfortunately in my sleep I was stabbing myself in the arm. Don't know how I got the knife, it was somewhere in my knightstand, 7 cuts, 16 stitches and too much blood lost the first time, the second 2 cuts, 10 stitches and the same scenario, except it was a pair of cuticle scissors....and i never woke up, never felt anything....just woke up with the knife or scissors there and that was it. The first time my husband had found me, I had been taking an afternoon nap, and he thought I was attempting suicide, when I woke up I was convinced my father had been there...even when we got to the ER and the Dr. asked what had happened I told him that my father had attacked me....it was so real.


So, I know how you feel about the zoneing out and hurting yourself being scary and feeling like the not knowing if the next time will be worse is terrifying. Please don't think you're all alone.


I'm sure your son brings you great joy in your life. I have a nephew with Down's and he is the most loveable, sweet, caring, loving child there is. They are the most precsious special angels that God put on the earth, and he is there to let you know how special you are and how much you're loved.

 
Old 12-27-2008, 07:30 PM   #7
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Re: howdy

Thank you . Yes, my son is very cool, and I am so grateful that he is mine. He is a lot of work, but, so worth it.
Your Si is very frightning. As with mine, being in the zone out state of mind, SI is far more dangerous. It is good to see that their are older SI members on here. Younger SIer's are great too, but, I feel like I want to "save" them from themselves, from a lifetime of SI and Hell that it has brought in my life.

 
Old 12-28-2008, 07:58 AM   #8
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Re: howdy

hey mscat nice to hear from you and thankyou for sharing your story with us all. I am sure that it would be quite tiring having an autistic child especially at that age. I remember my dad telling me that when i was younger i used to play with a girl who was autistic, her name was rebecca and whenever she was upset the school called for me to come and cheer her up. I know that has nothing to do with it but well i am like that. I hope this helps but i understand i am always scared that my sh will go to far as well, but i am trying really hard to at least cut down and i can see minor improvmens in myself. I think that you should try talking in groups because if i was brave enough i would do it and if you do not like it you can just leave. i have a knock on the door so boodbye and goodluck

 
Old 12-28-2008, 01:22 PM   #9
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Re: howdy

My son is high functioning, so I feel blessed . That was a neat story about your friend. So sweet. When kids loke ours get angry it is so difficult for them to calm down . I amsure everyone apreciated your kindness, especially the little girl. Not all people with autism connect with others, or are even accepted. That is the chalenge of autism.
I hope to never have to read anywhere someone hurting themselves badly from SI.
But, i out of anyone do know how this can happen , and yes, it terrifies me. terrifies me why I can lose control and not know I should not hurt myself like that...... It only brings on pure hell.
I have learned though that self harm is ok, and suicide attemts are not. By just saying NO It was not to die, then their is nothing anyone can do... Like lock u up.
SO i can SI to my hearts content.... even when it is severe.as long as i never use the words suicide attemp. I have not done that , and the SI is not attempts. Just bad times of SI.
If I can ever support anyone with SI and help them then I feel like a good friend.

 
Old 12-28-2008, 09:51 PM   #10
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Re: howdy

mscat,

I agree with you...when I see a young person on here who is involved in self harm I just want to help them as much as I can to learn other ways to cope, and maybe just maybe not hurt themselves anymore. I've lived this hell so long, I'll try as hard as I can to stop someone else from living it.

 
Old 12-29-2008, 04:36 AM   #11
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Re: howdy

Hi kat what do you mean by young people? do you mean someone who is very young or someone like me who is forteen. I do not aggree with you on that because sh is a way of coping isnt it? and anyone who struggles with coping does it so i do not think it is fait to say that sh is just for people who are adults, i am not trying to be rude but i started when i was about 12 and i do not think that i could ever stop like you find it hard to stop as well. if you think that this is for people who are adults then i will not come write on healthboards anymore.
Thank you mscat for saying that you would love to support everyone on here. Mscat do you never worry that your sh could get so bad that you could die? i know that sounds extreme but do not ever wonder about it?

 
Old 12-29-2008, 04:34 PM   #12
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Re: howdy

Autumn,

I think you misunderstood what I said. In that post I never said that self harming is only for older people. If you remember anything that I've told you about myself, I started self harming when I was 13 yrs. old. What I said in the post is that when I see a young person, or teenager on this board I try to help them as much as I possible can to learn a new way to cope with their emotions, so that when they're 40 yrs. old like I am, they aren't still doing this. Does that make more sense to you?

I would never do anything to suggest that your pain is not as real as mine or mscat's or anyone else's just because we're older than you. Unfortunately this particular psych disorder does not discriminate. I've talked to you so much I know how much you hurt, and how much pain your in. So please don't ever think that I want you to not be here talking to us. You give me support just like I try to give you, okay?

Let me know if I haven't adequately explained what I meant when I was talking to mscat, and I'll discuss it with you further okay?

 
Old 12-29-2008, 08:23 PM   #13
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Re: howdy

Quote:
Originally Posted by katlin09 View Post
mscat,

I agree with you...when I see a young person on here who is involved in self harm I just want to help them as much as I can to learn other ways to cope, and maybe just maybe not hurt themselves anymore. I've lived this hell so long, I'll try as hard as I can to stop someone else from living it.
Yes, I understand. I believe this is ment to let others who are struggling with SH at a "younger age" like under 25 yrs. old that there is hope , hope to get better and not let it take over your lives. YES, SH , SI is terrible at any age, but when younger, I feel the need to want to save someone from all the pain I have caused myself to myself, before it gets so severe that Self Injury ruins your life.
Does that make sense? Such as me, for example, I had a monster Eating Disorder for 10 yrs of my life, ED's are much lke self harm.... I also began Self injury/cutting, burning at the age of 16.
If I could turn back the clock, I would never ever had started that. Because I would never had guessed that i would start up again at the age of 34, and have it far more dangerous , and risky then ever before.
There is no age limit for self harm, but I often wonder why it has become so serious for me at the age of 40. It is severe, and I counted at least 7 very major incidents that have caused perm. tissue and body damage. YEs, I am very scared , Yes, I lose control of the behavior, Yes, it sometimes feels like I can't control it, and Self harm becomes a whole other enemy, wanting to destroy every bit of me.
It is very, very very frightning, and Ithink that is what Kat was trying to say, because I'd love to assist someone someday get out of this vicious cycle of Self injury, because maybe, just maybe, i could help myself by helping someone else.

 
Old 12-29-2008, 08:29 PM   #14
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Re: howdy

Quote:
Originally Posted by autumn29 View Post
Hi kat what do you mean by young people? do you mean someone who is very young or someone like me who is forteen. I do not aggree with you on that because sh is a way of coping isnt it? and anyone who struggles with coping does it so i do not think it is fait to say that sh is just for people who are adults, i am not trying to be rude but i started when i was about 12 and i do not think that i could ever stop like you find it hard to stop as well. if you think that this is for people who are adults then i will not come write on healthboards anymore.
Thank you mscat for saying that you would love to support everyone on here. Mscat do you never worry that your sh could get so bad that you could die? i know that sounds extreme but do not ever wonder about it?
YES, I worry about it a lot. Especially because of the total lack of control i have felt when engaged in the behavior of SI. It is so scary for this to happen to the extreme.
Why I can't control it, I do not know. It has not been easy, and it hurts to SI with chemical burns, and then that part of the body turn black, yep, very severe SI. Thankfully, not many sier's do that. But, there are a lot of us who have gone way too far with SI.... Actually the more I write and think about SI the more I hate Self harm! SI has taken a mind of its own for me, like i can't stop doing it, but, it is there, always there and too easy to do it, even though it causes horrible results.

 
Old 12-29-2008, 08:56 PM   #15
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Re: howdy

mscat,

My pdoc keeps me on Seroquel, technically it is a antipsycotic/mood stabilizer, but it is also contraindicated as a Self Injury deterant. It has been used in some clinical trials and been proven to help people combat the SI/SH urges. And it does help me to go for some days at a time without SH, just thought you might want to check into it with your doc.

 
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