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Old 02-13-2009, 09:58 AM   #1
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I screwed up so bad, I just don't know how much more I can take.

Wednesday all of the stress and fear ad anxiety and well, hell everything just kept building and I tried all of the coping skills, I tried to make it stop, I really did but it wouldn't, I just couldn't make it. So I ended up in Urgent Care and had to get 10 stitches in 2 arms. I just don't think I can do this anymore. I saw my pdoc yesterday and today and she has basically laid down the law that if we're going to work together anymore then the cutting has to stop and that I have to join a DBT Group. Oh sure, let me just decide to stop, no provlem, let me just flip that switch so it will stop and go away forever. I can't do groups, I never could, I have such anxiety and panic and fear of groups, I just don't know how to explain it. I am such a failure ir's just too much, I can't take being abandoned by another person, I just can't.

I wish so much that my sister were still alive so that she could help me throug this, help me learn to stop, or at least how to cope, I just don't know what to do anymore. And the thought of liveing day to day with the pressure of knowing that if I screw up then I can lose my therapist is just too much, I don't know how much more I can take.

 
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Old 02-14-2009, 08:27 PM   #2
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Re: I screwed up so bad, I just don't know how much more I can take.

does anyone care, does anyone have any advice?

 
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Old 02-14-2009, 09:43 PM   #3
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Re: I screwed up so bad, I just don't know how much more I can take.

I absolutely do care,... but I don't think anything that I could possibly say would help you at all. I don't have any experience with this, so no advice here. But I do care. I pray things look up for you.

 
Old 02-15-2009, 03:19 PM   #4
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Re: I screwed up so bad, I just don't know how much more I can take.

go to the group and listen to what they have to say. You do not need to say anything and if you cannot handle it then leave. There is not much to say

 
Old 02-15-2009, 03:56 PM   #5
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Re: I screwed up so bad, I just don't know how much more I can take.

Katlin

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so desperate, which is completely understandable given your experiences and multiple health problems. I have read many of your posts on these boards and you are undoubtedly one of the most caring people I have come across - always there to provide support to those who are in need.

Am I correct in assuming that your pdoc has said she will terminate the therapy if you do not comply with her request to join a DBT group or is this your own anxiety? If the former is the case, this does seem harsh given your recent experiences as you sound so vulnerable at the moment. How long have you been with your pdoc? Up until now did you have a positive relationship with them? It is probable that your pdoc is being cruel to be kind by applying the pressure, but when you are feeling as vulnerable as you are this can have the opposite effect and you begin to feel this is the beginning of a rejection. Do you think you could call the group organiser and explain to them how you feel? They would be very supportive, as would the other group members if they knew how you were feeling. I am sure you are not the only one to feel as you do before going along.

Firstly, I think you need to bring all of this into the open with the pdoc, including your fears of rejection/abandonment and what you fear will happen if you do not attend the group. She evidently sees this as the way forward and beneficial to you - but from what I can see, you do not feel ready to attend a group, as there are other issues which need to be addressed first. My concern is that you will end up abandoning the pdoc before you have the opportunity to explore these anxieties further, since you sounds as if you are almost in despair at your situation. If you do decide to terminate the therapy, (which if you do have a positive relationship with your therapist I hope you wont), you do at least need to have another therapist you can go to as you have too many complex problems to manage alone and unsupported. At the moment, you are undoubtedly in need of care and support and you must not cut all ties with those who can provide this for you.

When I have read your posts, I am inspired by your courage. You are an amazing and unique individual who has been through some horrendous experiences.

I do not know you, but I do care very much, since I have seen your pain on these boards and I have also seen that despite this, you have sought to support others too.

I will be going away tomorrow afternoon until Friday evening, but I will come online to see how you are when I return.

Please take care and as someone once advised me - be your own best friend.

Thinking of you

SG

 
Old 02-15-2009, 09:51 PM   #6
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Re: I screwed up so bad, I just don't know how much more I can take.

SG,

Thanks for the post I need that. I have to docs, a Tdoc, Psychologist for talk therapy and a Pdoc for med managment and some addl. therapy. My tdoc is the one who has lited the ultimatum as she feels that the one on one DBT that she and I are working on is not working. I have been to Urgent care 3 times in the ast 7 months for stitching a grand total of 36. She is of the opinion that she cannot help me with this anymore and that I need a DBT group situation, because she is in great severe that I'm going to reach my saturation point. I guess I shoud mention that I am BiPolar wit severe med resistand BiPolar Suicideal med resistant depression.

I've been with both of my doctors for a little over a year, and have a great atmosphere in both of them. This just kind of came out of the blue. She can's stand to see me hurt myself anymore and not be able to help be. She has also explained that this will be a 2 step process for the both of us as she will have to meet with the psychs that run the group weekly and pay the committee fee. She has also offered to lower her fee so that my fees each week will not go up. But she knows that I suffer a major fear of groups, not sure why. So basically I have to do this or she said she won't be able to work with me anymore. I have an appt. with my Pdoc-Psychiatrist on Tuesday to talk to him about all of this and then ave to make up my mind by wednesday. I'm so scared, I like my tdoc, but I feel like I'm being punished because I did something wrong. I hate it, and I know that our sessions will be off for now because of my anger at being forced to do this.

Maybe she does have my best interst at heart but who cares, why now, I was just attacked by my ex-hubby 2 weeks ago, I'm dealing with extreme problems at work, major anxiety....why did she have to do this now? Why not a bit longer? I feel like I'm a child and their trying to run my like again. What happens while I'm always waiting for the next time for her to decide I need to change something or she'll not see me anymore? AAAGGGGJHHHH
I Don't Know anymore!!

You know it's easy for me to help others and support them, but I've never been good at supporting myself, I never had a support system, I just did it all myself.

I guess i"m going to have to gigure it out pretty soon though, I running out of time.

 
Old 02-16-2009, 02:00 AM   #7
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Re: I screwed up so bad, I just don't know how much more I can take.

Katlin

I am aware of all your other issues, as I have read your other posts on the Bi-polar site and I have also noted how supportive and strong you are when it comes to supporting others and yet it seems you do not have a strong support systme your self.

I really do empathise with your feelings regarding what your tdoc has said and emotionally it is not what you need at this point. Kat, what is the most worrying issue for you, going to the group or losing your Therapist? I do think your therapist does care about you and perhaps the ultimatum was designed to 'jolt' you and point you towards the group, as you do need a wider support system, since the combination of issues you are coping with must feel almost intolerable. Even so, it has resulted in you feeling 'desperate' and despairing and this is a dangerous point to be at. Does your therapist know how desperate you are feeling at the moment?

Kat, I am worried about you and wonder whether an in-patient admission would be possible or a partial in patient admission? However, I recognise that this will be difficult with your job - if I also recall you have a son too (?). I sense you are feeling alone and afraid at this moment - afraid of many things - and you really do need to talk to someone. Do you feel you can talk to your therapist about all of what you are feeling or do you feel you have now built a barrier because of what she said to you?

I am going away with my two children today until FRiday, so will be offline until then. Please do not make an impulsive decision at this stage. Find a piece of paper and write everything down - the most important things to consider is what you want for the present and the future. Maybe even present your written thoughts and feelings to the therapist when you next see her.

Kat, you have to do what is best for you, but use the therapist to support you in doing this. If you feel there is a barrier there, you need to be honest with her, as she will recognise that this is not going to enable you to move forward.

You are in my thoughts.

Take care and I will catch up with you on Friday.

SG

 
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