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Old 02-21-2009, 04:05 PM   #1
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Exclamation Stopping here...

because I think I need somewhere to get things out beyond therapy sessions.

I know other threads are about similar things...so, sorry if that is a bit annoying.

I am so confused right now. Have been going to therapy for several weeks now, mainly my issue is severe social anxiety, and have been taking lexapro, and now am on paxil for about 2 weeks. But cutting doesn't seem to be getting better. I am only going to work once a week, and it makes me feel pathetic. I go to therapy, am told what i should do to cope, but it seems to just go in and not stick. Maybe i don't want help...maybe i want to cut. It feels good. I get high from it. It's the thing i have. My parents think i have stopped. We have seen a psychiatrist who says i'm on the right meds right now. But i still don't feel like stopping cutting. I have to go into work tomorrow morning, and i am dreading it. If my parents saw the cuts, i think they would freak, and things would go to ****. But i just cant seem to stop, I have gone further on my arms, and I feel as though it could go out of control. I feel as though i want to just slip away. If i do it enough, maybe i can just die. God, I just feel as though i want to sleep forever and never be noticed or anything. So i won't have to be an embarrassment anymore.

I really needed to get that out.
I don't think therapy is helping.

 
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Old 02-21-2009, 06:17 PM   #2
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katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: Stopping here...

Welcome to the Board, the one that none of us want to be on.

Everything you've said is everything that we've all felt at some point or another, so please do not think you are a bad person, or an embarrasment. My name is Kat, I've been cutting myself since I was 13 and I am not 39. I've stopped for periods of time, sometimes years. This last year has been particularly bad, I've wound up 3 times in urgent care for stitches in the last 7 months, the last being last week. Self harm is an addiction, it's a coping mechanism that is learned instead of the proper coping mechanism's that should have been learned from our parents, or whatever adult we have in our life that is supposed to love, support, teach and guide us. Medications generally don't help with stoping Self Harm/Injury, they help with the mental side of the disorder. Therapy can help, but if you don't have a therapist that you connect with, then it's a waste of time. Perhaps you should talk with your parents about finding a new therapist. On top of SH/SI I also have BiPolar disorder with Severe BiPolar Suicidal Med Resistant Depression. So the wanting to go away, just dissapear and die....that's pretty much my daily life for the most part.

Cutting or whatever form of Self Injury/Harm does become addictive, when you injury yourself you release endorphins and it does release a natural high, it also becomes almost like a "security blanket" it's something that you know you can go to when you are deeply stressed or scared, angry, etc. and it will make it better for a while....usually a very short while. Scars do become a problem, I have so many that I can't even count them anymore, I don't even try.

It is always your choice whether or not to get help or to let this rule your life...but at some point your're going to have to start explaining scars to people, Doctors, friends, former employers.... Getting better is usually the better choice, but to do that you absolutely do need to have a Psychiatrist and/or Psychologist that you connect with, someone that you can form a trusting bond with so that the therapy helps.

I personaly have a Psychiatrist and Psychologist, I see my Psychiatrist every 2 weeks for med management and some therapy, I see my Psychologist 1-2 times a week for therapy. Because of my recent deep tissue cutting session last week that required stitches I am now being forced to join a DBT group, which is supposed to be great for controlling and learning how to deal with Self Injury/Harm and for me, also Suicidal Ideations. The only problem with this is I have a terrifying aversion to groups. So in order to get well, we all have to do things that we don't want to do, but it's a choice. If I keep cutting my choice is that I most likely will end up killing myself because of the deep suicidal depression, the problem here is that I have a 10 yr. old son to think about.

So, now that I've written you a book, *sorry about that* think really hard about what you want, make a decision about whether you think a new therapist would be more effective, and try some alternative coping skills. If you'd like I have a list of some that I could post for you.

Know one thing, we are always here to listen, talk, give advice, whatever. If you need to talk, yell, vent, release your anger go ahead and give it to me, I'd rather you take it out on me than yourself.

Stay safe and in touch,

kat

 
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Old 02-22-2009, 01:53 PM   #3
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Re: Stopping here...

Deepshifter,

I hope that I didn't drive you away with the book I wrote...sometimes when I'm in a manic state, such as last night, I can get a bit "wordy". Sorry if I offended you in any way.

Kat

 
Old 02-23-2009, 04:36 AM   #4
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irishwriter HB User
Re: Stopping here...

deepshifter,

welcome. do not ever feel like an annoyance. you are not. maybe you need to see a better psychiatrist. who may also have family therapy so that your parents may understand a little more. come on here and vent any time you need to.

Last edited by irishwriter; 02-24-2009 at 03:55 AM.

 
Old 02-23-2009, 10:53 AM   #5
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deepshifter HB User
Re: Stopping here...

katlin,
don't worry
it actually made me feel better about coming here, and speaking out
and also looking at other posts and seeing other people are in the same state
i was sort of going through alot
and ended up cutting alot, more than ever
and i had to calm down, why i haven't been here to reply

i'm trying to be more proactive about getting better and trying to stay positive,i really like my therapist and i just think i expect to get better with the snap of my fingers but it just isn't like that

i'm also scared about my dad maybe losing his job, which means i might not be able to go to this therapist, although i really think i still need one, so hopefully we can work something out.
i think my mom is more sympathetic about my issues, while my dad just thinks that i'm just going through something
i don't know if i am, but i have been like this for my whole life, and i am tired of it.

ok, alot of writing, sorry
but i just want to say i appreciate both of u for giving me support
*hugs*

 
Old 02-23-2009, 09:02 PM   #6
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Re: Stopping here...

It's okay hon. Can I give one word of advice? Don't borrow trouble, don't worry about your dad losing his job, for now just concentrate on your therapy okay. And don't worry about your mom, you will never be able to please or convince everyone that there is a legitimate "problem" you just work on it the best you can and take your dad's support.

I know it's very hard to deal with all of this when your young, you've got so much other stuff going on, and I'm sure it just seems insane. You can get better, *smile* it doesn't happen in the snap of the fingers, but it can happen. Don't judge by me, I guess I never really wanted to get better until this year, because I had fooled myself into thinking it wasn't a big deal since I didn't do it very oftern. But since it's been so out of control this year, I am trying to stop just as much as you guys. So that's why we all rally around eac other and try to be as supportive as we can for each other.

I hope you're situation is getting better and the cutting has slowed. I myself am having an awful time with mine right now, yesterday and today have been way overboard, today because I got fired from a job I've had for the last 10 years, and that was the only way I could cope with it. But i've got an appt with my pdoc tomorrow, and with my tdoc on Wednesday, so we'll see how it goes.

Stay safe.

kat

 
Old 02-24-2009, 04:00 AM   #7
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irishwriter HB User
Smile Re: Stopping here...

Quote:
Originally Posted by deepshifter View Post
katlin,
don't worry
it actually made me feel better about coming here, and speaking out
and also looking at other posts and seeing other people are in the same state
i was sort of going through alot
and ended up cutting alot, more than ever
and i had to calm down, why i haven't been here to reply

i'm trying to be more proactive about getting better and trying to stay positive,i really like my therapist and i just think i expect to get better with the snap of my fingers but it just isn't like that

i'm also scared about my dad maybe losing his job, which means i might not be able to go to this therapist, although i really think i still need one, so hopefully we can work something out.
i think my mom is more sympathetic about my issues, while my dad just thinks that i'm just going through something
i don't know if i am, but i have been like this for my whole life, and i am tired of it.

ok, alot of writing, sorry
but i just want to say i appreciate both of u for giving me support
*hugs*
deepshifter

try not to worry about things that are out of your control! easier said than done i know, my pdoc is constantly telling me the same thing! also if your dad does lose his job (which may not happen) you might qualify for medicaid which would allow you to continue seeing your therapist who sounds good which is a big part of the battle. i am glad to hear your mother is sympathetic, we all need support. it is an awful addiction (sh) so it wont happen overnight to stop but keep positive and we will all be thinking of you.

 
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