I messed up big time. I've been manic for 3 days now, and when I'm panic I tend not to think about the decisions that I make. Well yesterday my soon to be ex husband asked me over to his house for dinner (which was actually dinner and sex), since I was just throwing caution to the wind and whatever I said yes. Now this is the guy who beat me up 3 weeks ago. I was with my mother in law when he called, and luckily she nixed that idea. Tonight I was really thinking about the really really stupid mistake I made, that would've most likely caused me severe bodily harm from another beating from him. As I thought more and more about tonight I got more and more upset, so of course I turned to my knife, my security item, so to speak. I lost a lot of blood and am really shaky and weak feeling....I really screwed up bad. I hate this man and wish he would just drop off the face of the earth. He knew I was manic and tried to take advantage of it.
dont take offence but he sounds a real piece of work - Im glad you didnt go - are you safe now? if you lost a lot of blood do you need to see a dr? emergency room? please take care of you - we all do dumb things every now and then - like my T said to me " you can do better next time"
p.s., my sis is in a similar situation wiht her ex - the more times she says NO to him the stronger she gets but she still relapses - she just tries to do better next time
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Be safe, be well, be happy
Maybecrazy
Last edited by maybecrazy; 02-22-2009 at 09:20 PM.
Piece of work is mild, he's a sorry SOB alcoholic. I'm doing okay today, or was until I got fired earlier today. The only reason my husband got to me a couple of weeks ago is that we had been getting along so well, and he hadn't been drinking, so I dropped my guard. He was coming over to do taxes, and I jsut yelled, "come in" when he knocked. I should have had the door locked and went to let him it, because I would have then known he was drunk and not let him in. I learned my lesson.
I am safe from my ex to be, but not from myself, with the cutting being so bad. It's just too hard to handle everything at once right now.
Im sorry you got fired - that must have added extra stress to an already stressful situation - can you do somthing other than cutting? can you draw instead - it sounds dumb but I have drawn on my arms where I was going to cut ans it helped - you have to find what works for you
please take care MBC
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Be safe, be well, be happy
Maybecrazy
Last edited by maybecrazy; 02-24-2009 at 02:25 AM.
I have BiPolar Disorder w/Severe med resistant Suicidal Depression. I have both a pdoc and tdoc. I take aproximately 8 psych drugs. I see my pdoc every 2 weeks, and my tdoc 1 to 2 times per week, every week. So, yep got all those bases covered.
I don't draw, but I do color, I have my own set of Coloring Books and crayons and coloring helps me calm myself, that and klonopin. *l*
Whats making this harder right now is I'm cycling between manic and depressed, and it's driving me nuts. But hopefully it'll stop soon.
The bast*** wrote me, he's not supposed to write me or contact me, why now? Preaching to me about God and.....why do they let child molestors in church, why don't they do background checks for deacons and such. God I was so mad, angry, the rage just came from I don't know where. The cutting is always out of control at that point...60 70 times who knows...it's like I'm standing there looking at someone else trying to get control but can't. Why did he write, why did I open the letter, did I really think there'd be an apology or any kind of grief for the Hell he put me through almost my entire childhood. I hate him so much I just wish he'd die and permanently get out of my life. Why does everything bad happen at once, the cutting was bad enough this week and now it just went totally out of control, I hate it, I hate him. Why does this hellish, disorder take over my life, when I don't want to let it, why can't I control myself and not pick up a knife??? All questions with nobody to answer them. I hate myself almost as much as I hate him. With every cut he wins, he has the power, why do I let him, WHY? I'm so tired of all of it, so incredibly tired.
Well, managed to scew up again. While bandaging and cleaning up cuts on wrist today, almost cut all the way across, befor I got control. I was scraping all of the scabs and dried blood off, because both bother me tremendously, before I knew it I was cutting again.
I wish I could just lay down in bed and have no need to worry about this anymore, just close my eyes and go to sleep forever. It's so exhausting.
I hope you are feeling better too and that the urges have dropped down a couple of levels and that you can find some sleep - wishing you pleasant dreams MBC
Thanks guys. Unfortunately sleep still has not come forth, still averaging 2 -3 hours a night. The cutting comes and goes, I've got to where I don't cut my arms or wrists anymore to try and make my tdoc think I wasn't cutting anymore.....that lasted all of one week, and she asked where I'd moved the cut sites too. Oh well, I have gone for 5 days last week, so that was a good stretch.
you tdoc sounds very perceptive somtimes its good when someone catches us out - someone said to me "how come you are always miserable, waves of tension just roll off you" well that showed me that I was not keeping up my work face as well as I thought I was - gave me somthing to think about - think im rambling again!
take care - hopefully seeing tdoc all this week will help settle things for you - take care MBC
You've no idea...I never even told her I sh/si she saw an "interesting" looking cut/scratch on my wrist one day and just came out in the middle of a very tense and emotional session and asked me if I ever hurt myself, or cut myself. Now this is somthing I had pretty much successfully hid from everyone for 20 odd years, so it was a shock/releif....I just lost it, it was like a damn broke. finally there was 1 person in the world that I could share this awful awful secret with, and then on the other hand I was so incredibly ashamed and moritifed that she knew.
A few months ago I asked her how she figured that out last year, and she said because all your cuts have a "theme", whether you realized it or not and the one on your wrist just didn't look like an accident, it looked like it was "made" to look like an accident.
So that was the beginning of the hardest thing in my life, treatment for the Self Injury, and now the DBT starting soon.
I have not been on here for a while, but just went through your thread here. So sorry you have had such a difficult time. Glad your doing better. My Therapist found out a long time ago about the SI ... However, I do always cover up any new burns. He always catches on though. Which sucks. He's good about them. I end up showing them to him. And it usually goes like This: Have they been looked at, I say NO .Then I say I can take care of it. Then he backs off. Then I'll say , They are NOT that bad, and he wil say something like as long as they are being taken cared of.
I've done very severe SI . AT times. But, I do hate it when anybody asks about any of the burns no matter what. PLease take care of your cuts. Did any of them need medical attention? Are you feeling better?
Haven't seen you around the boards in a long while. I hear you about the 7th degree questioning from the tdoc/pdoc. My pdoc generally only asks about my cuts in conjunction with my suicidal idealities as in how often this week, etc. Unless I've had to get stitches that week and then we have to "dicsuss" them more. My tdoc on the other hand as you probably know if you've read the posts is the "bloodhand". I swear the woman is psychic. I've had to go to Urgent Care 4 times for stitches since July, so yeah if the cuts are too big or too deep I go and get them stitched. If they're something I can take care of, like you and probably all of us "experienced" self harmers do, I take care of them. I have a small arsenal of first aid supplies. My tdoc(therapist) does hassle me about when I take care of things instead of letting a dr. do it. Like 2 weeks ago one of my cuts was a litte infected, so I'd take a scalple and lance the top of it and cleaning it with peroxide every night then anitibiotic ointment and bandage, no big deal....she stayed on my rear big time...she had a real problem with the cutting it part, honestly I hadn't even thought about it. Then 4 weeks ago the last stiches I had to get, I took them out myself, because I didn't have time to go bach to the dr. to get it done...and it's not like I haven't watched them do it a million times....no big deal...she wasn't too nuts about that.
Sorry, I'm just rambling on, it's the middle of the night, should be tired but i'm not, never sleep anymore, just sit up all night. Other than that I guess i'm okay, life pretty much sucks, I'm trying to fight off the depression which make the SH worse, but I think I'm losing the fight....
I can just feel that "I don't care feeling" starting to take over again, we'll see, too much stuff to deal with right now. But I have a pdoc appt this week along with my tdoc appt. So maybe between the two i'll be able to get past this depression that's trying to get hold of me...
I hope that you're doing okay and you're able to keep the self harm under control.
well I'm doing, that's about as it gets right now I guess. the whole not sleeping thing is really getting to me, somethings gotta give soon. I managed to go 2 whole days without cutting myself, big deal, huh. I can't get anyting under control these days....
Kat,
Never know wen i'll sneak back in here... . I have to come back, and um I don't remeber when it was since I was last here? Or what was happening? Gosh, I can totally relate to u. I'll start my own thread though. Cause i can't remember If I had ever really wrote about what the last real severe Si thing was? HUm? anyhow, I'll start that out new.
See you there.
Cathy
Kat - 2 dyas without SI is a big deal - well done - thats how it goes - 2 mins, then 2 hours, 2 days - each little step is a step in the right direction - I hope you managed to get some sleep - things are always worse when you cant sleep - take care MBC
well I'm doing, that's about as it gets right now I guess. the whole not sleeping thing is really getting to me, somethings gotta give soon. I managed to go 2 whole days without cutting myself, big deal, huh. I can't get anyting under control these days....
oh well I'll talk to ou later.
I know how you feel about not getting sleep, last night was my first time in weeks to get good sleep. Two days is a big deal! You are doing wonderful!!
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anxiety disorder
severe depression
ONH and nystagmus causing legal blindness
hypothyroid
cortizone deficient
