Hi I'm Kat and I know how you feel, believe me. But keep going isn't going to do anything but maybe end you up in the ER, or morgue. So, maybe trying some alternative coping skills might work for you. Do you know what stress or trauma is causing this increase in cutting? Can you eliminate that stress from your life for the time being, even if it's a person, or family member. If you can do this until you get yourself settled down and the cutting under control that may help.
thank you kat.
as hard as it is for me to believe that anybody in this world cares...it does mean alot to me that you took the time to respond.
I guess its just the combined stress of my life...everything piling up and feeling so overwhelming that i just want out. i have been cutting off and on for 4 years now. it always used to make me feel so much better. so much more in control. but now i look at my arms ashamed. but i still can't stop. it scares me now how i can't live without it.
there are people who can help you find other ways to get through this - are you seeing a therapist? my psychologist is helping me deal with this -
I hope things are a bit better for you - the way I stop thinking about the urges is to keep busy all the time - until im too tired to do anything else but go to sleep - Ive drawn on my arms instead of cutting (yep it sounds sillly - but works sometimes) is there someone you can call? an talk to ?
I think the first part of changing any behavior is to recognize it.. its probably become a sort of habit from time to time, like you're doing it or have already doneit before you realize what you've done.. yeh? Try to get a step ahead.. know your triggers and have a pre-planned plan of action. Like as soon as you find yourself doing it, consciously say "catdog" (or whatever word you choose).. then follow your plan of action. The plan of action may be to immediately call a crisis line, to blog, get a cup of tea, or take a walk. Put some thought into it and make your plan work. It's hard but keep trying. I dunno how to explain it but in doing so, you, in some weird way, gain control before actually realizing you have that control. Good Luck
I do care. I care about anyone who is taken in by this demon that we all fight. It's been a "control" factor in my life for so long, and I more than anything want others to learn not to let it control them and their lives. So you just believe that 1 person cares about you and start from there, okay. Part of my DBT therapy which I have to do for SH (my cutting has escalated to 3 trips to the ER for stitches in the last 6 months) and for BiPolar Suicidal Depression is to take index cards and write out my "plan of action for Distress Tolerance" because generally some type of distress is what fuels are need to hurt ourselves. On these cards are numbered lists of what I can do if the urge to "cut" comes on. I keep these cards everywhere, in my purse, in the car, taped to the bathroom mirror, taped to my nightstand, taped to the tile above the spiggot in the bathtub (my favorite place to cut). The goal being that no matter where you are you can see your plan of action and activate it. You might want to try it and see if it works for you.
maybecrazy- i've taken myself to a couple different counselor offered by my school..but they've all only made it worse. i stopped going about 2 months ago. and i've tried to keep very very busy...but i feel like then everything just adds to the stress...making the cutting worse. there is no one i can talk to about this...which is why im here. only two people in my life know...one i told i don't really talk to and the other is no longer my friend. i'm too embarrassed to tell anyone else.
thank you all for your suggestions. im not gonna lie...what you said sounds sooo hard to do. right now i guess i just have to try to use all my willpower to simply not cut and try to find a reason to stay here.
Hey, you know you are right, the things we mentioned are extremely hard, and maybe we shouldn't have overloaded you with all that just yet. So how about a different game plan:
You put that stuff aside for now, and just keep coming here and telling us about yourself. How you're day went, good, bad, etc. If it went bad tell us what happenend that made it so. If it went good let us share your happiness with you.
Because we do care about what happens and I don't want to see you dissapear from the boards okay?
my day? just another day...mostly bad cause its midterms....so i have soo much to do that i am just trying to turn everything in on time without failing. i probably won't sleep tonight because i have so much to do. i wish i had something more interesting...
Today i had to go to the school doctor to get medicine for my migraines. not related to my cutting at all. I wasn't even paying attention when the nurse pulled up my sleeve to take my blood pressure...where there were plenty of scars, healing wounds, and fresh cuts from earlier that morning. Usually i think to offer them my other arm...I just wasn't thinking. Of course they freaked out, made me show them all my cuts, gave me lectures on if i was keeping them clean. it was humiliating. i don't talk about this to anyone. these ladies were strangers and so rude. they almost forgot about addressing the reason i was there in the first place, my migraines. they were so intrusive and i just wanted to run away as fast as i could. i left feeling so exposed...like i was naked for the world to see. I went home and cut more than i ever had in one sitting...just to get control again.
i feel like a failure
Tami... you are not a failure...
I know what you go through.. I've been there too...
For me was my stepdad being a complete *******, treating me like dirt and putting me down and crushing my selfesteem, no matter what I was doing was never good enough... for me cutting was a relief, physical pain was taking away the emotional pain... and that was the only thing I could control...
I know it sounds hard to believe, but talking about it is the 1st step to get in control...
Remember one thing... nothing and no one is perfect, we all fail at times, but that doesn't mean we are failures... the important thing when you fall, is to stand up, shake off the dust, and learn from it... put it to life experience.
I'm here whenever you need to talk...
I know exactly how you feel. Anytime I go to the doc's they do exactly the same to me, Lose interest in why I am there and Lecture me... Doesnt help much, just makes me feel like a freak of nature.
I cant really give very good advice on stopping self harm, Tami, becuase I still have urges to do so myself. But I have not self harmed this year, 3 months now. After 5 years.
They thing is, when anyone self harms they think it is fine because it "isnt hurting anyone else" and i dont mean to upset anyone in anyway here, But that is not true at all. I had my mum crying on my shoulder because she blames herself for what i do to myself... I have had to explain to my 5 and 8 year old sister and brother that the scars on my arm were cat scratches! And im telling you, when they see it, and you see the terror in their eyes it will weaken you more than anything you will ever come across in life.
And it is at that moment that you realise this is your weakest point.
To put it simply, I was at my weakest when my baby sister asked what the scars were, and at that very moment I honestly didnt know what the hell to do. I felt like shreadding myself to peices for what i had done, but at the same time I never ever wanted to do it again.
So my advice for you, Tami. Is to think about the people you love, because they love you too and you MUST remember that. you need to think how hurt you would feel if it was someone you loved in your place...
I know this may seem harsh and very difficult and upsetting. But it is the harsh truth, and we all have to come to it at somepoint.
I know how it is when you are at school, Its pressuring and difficult, but the easiest thing to do is to SPEAK TO SOMEONE. Dont contain your frustration, it builds up. and remember PEOPLE LOVE YOU and they care about you.
I am so so sorry that you had to endure what you did, it is very unfair and cruel punishment behaviour from so called "professionals". One thing you have to keep reminding yourself is that you are NOT a FAILURE. Yes we try very hard not to harm ourselves, and yes sometimes we take a step or two back, but then we just pick ourselves up, dust off and start all over again, thats all we can do.
One thing that might help with stopping your cutting, is to go and see a therapist or Psychiatrist. I know talking about mine to my very very good psychologist helps me tremendously. I haven't cut in 3 days, I know that seems very short and shallow to some, but I am very proud of it. I know that without my current team of pdoc and tdoc I would be dead by now, there's no way I could've handled the shame, guilt of cutting and the depression that takes over me and doesn't even let me get out of bed most days.
I hope you are having good days, and I will keep thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.
not well. even if i have a good day...something happens that brings my mind right back to my cuts. I am ashamed of it. i feel like no one knows the real me because i constantly put on a happy front. I guess im just good at pretending...
The fact is that you're trying and that's something all in itself right? Nobody expects you to fight this addiction and win all at the snap of your fingers. Just like smoking, drinking or any other addiction it takes time and work, and your trying, so don't be so hard on yourself, take it day by day or hour by hour, whichever you can do.
And keeping talking to us see if that helps. Keeping you in my thoughts.
First of all, its brilliant that you came here for help, because you recognised that you have a problem which is a major first step towrds recovery from SI. Big congrats to you for that!!!
Sounds like your having a tough time of things love, and I was shocked to read how those nurses treated you at school. Its a sad fact though that are sme people out there, supposedly people meant to help us who just make things worse. I'll never forget the doctor I saw in hospital once when I had cut myself badly at a friends house and needed stitches. He looked down at me and said "why the hell would you do that to yourself?". He made me feel I was wasting his and everyone elses time, and I felt digusting and ashamed like I never had before. But there are doctors out there who will listen to you and not judge you. The next time I needed stitches I wouldn't go back to the hospital and in the end went instead to my own GP who knew nothing about my SI. The first thing he did (very unprofessional of him I know) was to get out of his chair and hug me, then he reached over and hugged my mum as well who was with me. He stitched me up, chatting cheerfully the whole time and then instead of lecturing asked me what steps I wanted to take towards stopping. He was great and there are others out there who are just like him and will help you because its what they do, their job is to care about people.
I know you feel like no-one cares but I promise they do, but they often show it in the wrong way. Its understandable that your mum was upset, your her daughter and clearly very precious to her but she may have dealt with it in the wrong way. After all it is YOU this is happening to, YOU who are in pain and need comfort... not her. This may sound harsh but its the truth and maybe you should explain that to her.
For now you need to concentrate on you... stop thinking about how much you may be hurting loved ones and start thinking about you and what you need to become better. Thinking about how your actions affect other people in your life shows what a caring girl you are and I greatly admire you for that. But right now worrying about other people is the last thing you need and your family need to realise that if they are to help you overcome your demons.
Also keep talking to us and telling us how you are getting on, we're all here because we've been through the same thing so please remember that your never alone and we all care about you and want very much to help you.
I just read through your entire thread. Your last post , your wrote that you were not doing good .What's going on hun? Was there anther SI incident?
Were you able to find a counselor yet? I really think that would help . I ought to let you know that I struggle with SI quite severely at times. All of us who resond to you understand what your going through, and know where your coming from.
I could relate so well to you when you shared about what happened at the DR's. It happened to me as well. I was so embarrassed. It was not even cuts, they were burns, because that is how I SI .But, still I wanted to Shrink up and disappear right then ans there. THey even called my therapist and wound not allow me to leave.
Are you ok? can you write more about what is going on? maybe we can help you feel better and support you?
thanks cathy and aimee. it means alot that both of you would take the time to care about a stranger's life. and it does help alot to be able to come here and get out some of the stuff that builds up inside...
i'm still not doing well...my last post came after a particularly bad spell of cutting. right now i'm just trying to put all my focus on cutting less...right now that just means 9 cuts a night instead of 10...
i still don't have much faith in counselors or therapists...so i've not found one yet...that is what everyone on here says to do...and one day i know i'll wander into an office somewhere...but it's gonna take me awhile...
my mom doesn't know that i SI....i don't know what she would do if she ever found out. she has so many issues of her own...knowing that i am hurt and she can't make it better, that she often makes it worse would nearly kill her i'm sure. i've almost started to think that she literally cannot see the cuts, her denial is that bad, because my arms are covered...but she's never said a word...
maybe one day i will not feel like the end is now.