I have not posted on here for a while, and was trying to figure out where i left off. I believe I started on here shortly after I had severely Self injured. It was not the first time I have done this to myself. What I did this time was burn myself with chemicals. I burned up my stomach area all the way down to the top of the panty line, as well as the bra area. that part was not on purpose though. Chemicals spread easily, and it also hit my hip area. My skin blackend, which is a very severe third degree burn, and large area of skin.
It landed me in the Critical care unit for 8days. With the first surgery, and of course a psych team evaluation /and hold.
I was then allowed to go home. They place fake skin on the burned areas , then I had to go back for anther surgery , this time the surgon removed skin from both my thighs and placed that skin on the burn areas, anther skin graphing. This was a major surgery with much more pain because the thighs were left w/o the top layer of skin.
the intial injury was all done from SI. AND again, is is not the first time I've engaged in such severe self harming . I can't tell you guys why I have done this, or anybody why? But it has happened several times, and it is extremely disfiguring. I've lost moblity in one of my hands as well. The same surgon has done all these operations too. The out patient burn unit staff know me, and some of the nurses inpatient know me as well. gosh how suck *** is that?
Well, needless to say I do not always severely SI to that extreme. I do SI to lesser degree. And it is still by burning. However, not like that. The last time was not too long ago. Which brings me back here. I had not Si'ed since the last time I'd severely done it, and now have . But, I can manage this onw on my own. I have tons of stuff to take care of the burn too. I hope that someday I'll be able to get a grip on this and stop. But right now it serves a purpose. A big purpose for me. Most people don't understand how anyone can do that to themselves. It is not natural for someone to SI, and want to like this, or to find comfort in hurting ones own body. Somehow, it works for some of us, and it is difficult to explain. I am not even upset over it at all, or even care one bit about the scars . I am not proud of the scars though, they just do not bother me. The burn scars do not look like they are self inflicted . They are to damaging to the skin. They are there, and that's that. It feels good to me to SI, and I can't seem to wrap my head around it. Not stopping seems unatural. Why stop? Anyone give me good reasons as to why stopping is the right thing to do?
First it's a coping mechanism - an easy one that works- very short term - but its not a good one and I think you know that - you said you're not telling anyone and I think that shows you know that there are better ways to cope - you dont deserve to hurt like this - there are better ways to deal with this
reasons to stop.... you are hurting yourself - there are other ways to express pain, anger, frustration, fear other than by hurting yourself and if you're anything like me - then the relief from hurting yourself doesnt last - the scars may not bother you now - but what about in the future? if you get an infection that takes hold you could get very sick - you said you had lost some mobility in your hand? because of this - that could get worse -
I really hope you find some help with this - I went to a Psychologist who understood about this and he has helped me find other ways to deal with my emotions - its not easy - but its worth it - I hope things turn around for you adn that you decide you need help and seek it - take care MBC
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Last edited by maybecrazy; 03-21-2009 at 01:16 AM.
I did not mention that I do see A therapist . And a Psychatrist. On 8 different medications too. I do try. I am not happy about the circumstances that bring me to SI. Yes, Si is a way to cope . A way to cope when things become too unbearable , and unable to deal with the crap life throws at us . I do hate the SI, at times, I "love" the SI . A huge contradiciton. I am looking into going into DBT . Find people who are struggling with SI and need better alternatives to cope.
that's why we hadn't seen you around in a while. yes you and i are very similar creatures, I think we remember each other stories quite well. All my trips to the Urgent Care for stitches have done is landed me with a one way ticket to a DBT Group that I have to start in Mid-April. I've also started EMDR therapy with my tdoc which is going to be a sonofab**** since in the beginning once you get your "happy peaceful " place established, then you get to grab all the "horrid tramautic past" from your brain and lay it bare so you can start to deal with it....oh hell yah, let me rush right into that. Like you I too am on tons of meds 10 total a day 7 psych related. My tdoc questions every little scrape I have and my pdoc tracks every time I cut, since my "other" diagnosis it BiPolar with severe suicidal depression. I guess he's concerned with how easy it'd be to turn a SI session into a "get dead" session, along with that I turn a sleep diary and food intake diary in to him every week when I see him.....Sometimes having so many people keep track of my every move get's really really old. All they want to do is fix everything, and right now it's like why? Why fix anything what does it really matter, there's just something waiting right around the corner to break it again.....but nobody listens to me.
Oh well I'm glad your our of the hospital and on the mend. I hope you managet to control your urges to SI for now. I worked with my roses today so I have tons of cuts and scratches on both hands and arms, so I'll actually have to take a note from my ex saying that I was at the house working on my roses, so my tdoc doens' tgive me crap at my appt. on Wed.......like I said..always somebody watching everything I do. Is it really that important to keep one person uninjured or alive for that matter?????
I see you are in NC.... I was born in NC> could we be related? humm . Bet your roses are very pretty . and yeah i'd hate the fact people always looking at me like that, it would make me terribly paronoid. LIke I did not have enough crap already to deal with.
The therapist i go to is cool about SI. Mostly . i did SI though not too long ago, and tried to hide it, but he knew.... So the arm is wrapped , and it is very, very hard not to do more of the same. Why? I do not know? I si'ed not to that extreme, this time, and have so much stuff to care of all of the burns it makes it so much more easier to SI a lot more.. then I have all these thoughts on what to do to myself , and how I ought to SI the next horrid time. I am not even sure where all this comes from, all I know is that it is there, and it is always there.
i have this violence against myself, and these urges to destroy pieces of myself , bit by bit. SOmetimes, it can become out of control, and sometimes it is very in control, like a ritual.
I have a dianoses of Borderline Personality which i've had for over 25 years, and also have clinical depression. It's crappy to have any of anything at all. And I hate labels ! They suck ***.
WE are not those things. Labeling us, really bites. but, the professionals have to in order to treat their patients. I do not pay attention to what they call it though. That is not who I am.
I have so many damn labels both for mental and physical disorders if I lined all the alpha's behind my name, most would think I'm a specialist. I'm used to it, and really don't care one way or the other anymore. My pdoc and tdoc are not "cool" with the sh/si, the fact that i'm having to go more and more often for stitches and the severity is escalating is throwing up red flags I guess, they are the ones making me go to the dBT group....and I guess honestly somewhere inside of me I do want to quit cutting and I do want to rid myself of the suicidal idealities and intentions, 6 suicide attemps is not the best thing to have on your CV, it's just terrifying because I know how hard it's going to be, this is a 17 month program, with 2 weeks off for good behaviour. Plus I see my tdoc once a week and my pdoc once every 2 weeks unless i'm in severe distress mode then him every week also....so alot of therapy and doctors....and that's just the mental stuff. And they wonder why most of the time I just want to make myself "go away" and be done with it all. My pdoc asked me the other day in one of our lovely conversations, "well how would you kill yourself these days" and i'm like well i have a pharmacy worth of drugs and I'm good with a knife, take your pick. I always love when they ask stupid questions, it makes me think of Bill Engvall, "Here's Your Sign!"
Is this 17 month program inpatient? What is a cv? are you able to work at all? do you live on your own? how about a family? children? hUsband? Now i am being nosy. I am curious because i am sure you got people other then all thse professionals in your life.
As for me, I am 40, and a single parent. My son has High Functioning Autism with cognitive delays. I've always been a single parent. We have always been alone. Before he was born, I lived in shared rentals and suffered from an Eating disorder which had been going on for 10 years. even before that i was in treatment for the ED, because I dropped to 72 lbs. They would not let me walk cause they said I had 2% body fat left on me. I gained weight in there, but then lost a lot of it again when I got out. Dropped down to 88lbs.
Then went up to 93 Lbs. I have quite a history of Self destructive behaviors , and more so on the severe side of things. I did manage to get pregnant though and gained 65lbs. Then the focus changed after that.
At least for quite a while it did, then It had to even more when my son turned out to be special needs.
Bigger problems crept back up 6years ago and just continued to increase. So here I am today. A single parent , older, who went back into SI once again, now with worse harm then ever before. I am now Heavy, but do not care about that .I went from one extreme to the other.
i have severe burn scars on me, and new SI's .... . Some days are very difficult , then other days. How about you?
History huh, lets see. I have 2 children and 18 yr. old and a 10 yr. old both boys, I've been married for 22 yrs to my childhood sweetheart we met when we were 16. I just got brave enough to leave the alcholic abusive son of a bi*** 5 months ago, my 10 yr old lives with me. My son is "gifted" and very intelligent, we get on well together, I myself carry multiple degrees. It does get difficult hiding the SI from him as sometimes it's like having another adult in the house. I do work I am a Financial Administrator and Stock Analyst/Brokerage Educator for Senior Citizens. So even though I have many "trials" to deal with in this great life I live there are many "normal" aspects to deal with as well, it's like I have to be 2 people and it's quite exhausting. The DBT program is outpatient, I haven't been inpatient since last September and that was for a suicide attempt, but my Pdoc sprung me after 4 days because I don't do groups due to an incident as a young child visiting my father in prison, and I wouldn't do anything but sit on my bed. So he checked me out under his care and I basically had to see him twice a day everyday for a week, then once a day for the next week. A CV by the way is a Curriculum Vitae, it's like a resume, I was being a smart ***.
So I'm a normal person like everyone else, except my life totally sucks and my past is horrific and for that I chose totally wrong coping skills to deal with it and now at the age of 39 I have to relearn and retrain my brain to learn how to deal with fear/traume/pain/stress the correct way, whatever the heck that is.
I'm not close to any of my siblings, I don't have many friends, except for one very very close friend who doesn't judge me for my many many dx's and screwed up ways.
If you have any other questions feel free to ask I'm a virtual open book.
I have my biological brother take care of my son when I ma in the hospital. We are not super close, however close enough where i can trust him. I don't trust nobody so that says a lot about him. He knows me well out of anybody. He's not much younger then i am.
I am glad you are able to work. ANd that you are extremely bright as well as your son. I do know where your coming from in regards to the coping skills. I guess i have not learned better methods either at my age. Going on 41. Well my childhood has been fu**** up completely as well . Even way back as young as 3 we were see psych Dr.'s . Ordered by the courts. My brothers and I all remember that vividly.
My brother , he a drinking problem.... That is what he does. I wish he could understand that the drinking is no different then the SI.. All self destructive behaviors. He thinks i am a complete idiot for SI. He does not get it and says stuff to my son that he should not say and makes my kid upset. His wife is a total *****.
ANd he has a 12 year old. My nephew. Well he has already been in juvi. Hall. Last yr and is on Probabtion. Nice kid huh! they let him do what he wants, and do not say no to him. That boy I am scared he is headed for more trouble. my son and him do not get along .This makes things harder.
Does you concern for your son not drive you to control your SI at all? that's what makes it possible for me to get help and go to alternative therapy programs that will have outcomes that don't include SI. Your SI is so much more advanced, don't you worry that it will be fatal and your son will be stuck living with these people forever. My husband is an alcoholic and I would not wish living with one on my worse enemy.
I don't always severely SI. i try not to. And your right , my brother would not be my first choice for my child. I do have other family, that are far more capable. That will never happen. I believe i have it under control and this will never be the outcome of the SI I do at times. Perhaps it is denial, but Honestly i feel that I have it under control. I am unconcerned about that , and will not consider that it could possiblely kill me ever. I am too strong to let that ever happen. Once a yr, it gets very severe, the rest of the times, i can manage on my own, taking care of the burns, wrapping up the arm and such.
Yes I love my son most of all and i would not dream of allowinf him to be alone in this world .I do think of this all the time, therefore I do not act upon the Sucidal thoughts that overtake me at times, all I got is the SI. Even that can become out of control and it scares me .
Having kids always complicates matters so much more when dealing with things on a personal level too, then having a child with developmental delays makes things even more chalenging. He IS my focus. He is gone though most of the time . He is in A SDC class out of town. The stuff i have prevents me from working , and unable to deal with normal everyday stressors. People especially make me really unset very quickly, therefore the computor is my salvation. I can handle this type of communication. And very limited contact with the outside world. I was not always like this though. things have changed for me. I used to teach. Odd huh. However, it has always been a constant battle. Always been a fight to be around others and not take things personally. Now I've gotten to a point where I just can't take it anymore whatsoever around others much at all. There are so many things though, not just one or two things, lots of stuff. I deal with it the best way that I can.