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Old 04-15-2009, 01:18 PM   #1
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Self harm/feels too good to quit :(

I had a therapy appointment this morning. The last two seesions I have been discussing very difficult traumatic experiences, from the past. Last week, afterwards I felt horrible even talking about it. Today, was not so bad. My son was home all week from spring break too, and he is special needs, having temper tantrums, giving me a hard time, and such.
I do not Self harm when he is home. He went back to school on Tues. Yesterday, I Rehomed my Cocketiels, and spent most of the day trying to clean their cage to get them ready for transport. This morning I finally could have a little chance to to SI... ANd honestly it was a relif to. Now I am not certain how to feel. Ashamed? Guilty? Not really. I had to wait 15min for my therapist late for the appointment. Who walks out, but, people who I absolutely can't stand People who are honestly trashy , who disgust me, who took up my appointment time (sigh) Even The therapist knows these people ! He knows them well. Anyway, I had a good session with him, and now he really knows what's happened , and has told me to do what I need to do to cope! He understands, and knows I SI.. I've told him a lot about the trauma of the past.. Not all, however, a lot of details. It feels good to tell someone, just to get it all out. The therapist said it's horrible. Yes, it's horrible. And yes, now, he knows, and understands! YAY. At least somebody now gets me. What a relief.
SI is not the best thing to cope , as of now it is working for me, and I need it. This is working for me. ANd I feel like i need this right now. Perhaps someday I will not need it as much as i do right now. However, I do now, ANd I beleive the therapist knows or at least understands why I SI now...

 
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Old 04-19-2009, 12:42 PM   #2
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Re: Self harm/feels too good to quit :(

mscat,

Help me understand something okay....Do you think you want to quit self harming ever? The reason I ask is because if you can willingly quit harming yourself for a week just because your son is home, it seems that you could keep going and not SI when he leaves, or at least try to.... It seems like you want to SI more than you need to, do you think that's an accurate assumption? I understand it, because honestly sometimes I feel the same way...as a matter of fact last night was that way for me. My son was with his fatther, the house was empty save for me, and I could just cut myself however or as much as I wanted, didn't have to hide anything, didn't have to bandage anything, could just lay around in a tanktop and boxers and enjoy the fact that I coped with my stress however the hell I wanted too. No therapist to tell me not to, no one to condemn me...nothing. Sure today I felt like a total failure and somewhat like crap....kind of like what an alcoholic would be if they purposely fell off the wagon one day, then how they'd feel the next I guess.

But in your case, if you do this everytime your son is home for any length of time, it just seems like you'd have a better shot at quitting, or at least trying to quit than some of us. I can't restrain myself just because my son is home, sometimes it's all I can do to wait until he goes to bed, and then I lock myself in the master suite, and lock the bathroom door, so behind to locked doors with my son soundlly asleep I still self harm, because I can't just tell myself, oh, I'm not going to do this, because nick is here. I'd love it if I could, because if I could go for a week, then i could keep fighting for a longer length of time.

Anyways just a question/observation for you.

On the other side, how are you doing these days, have things slowed down a bit for you or gotten any better? Did you get the birds re-housed. If my cat doesn't quit chewing through my computer cords I'm going to re-house his little but. You'd think he'd not like getting electrocuted....I have the world's only sado masochistic cat!

Kat

 
Old 04-20-2009, 12:51 PM   #3
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Re: Self harm/feels too good to quit :(

Hi Kat,
I understand very well what you are writing me, your point is very clear. I can respond honestly to your question. The SI before his Easter break , in which I was not thinking was coming up soon, was nearly as big as the palm of my hand. The Burn is not all over the place, it merges into all one, and is always a deep 2nd degree , still not healed after at least a month or so. This is how and why I am able to go a little longer w/o SI... THe Burns take a huge amount of time to just even began to heal, and even have any start of a blister go down. This is even when taken care of/covered . The pain of a 2nd degree burn can last for weeks .... Especially after pulling off a dried gauze wrap . that starts the pain all over again, and to tell u the truth it lasts forever, and is finally susideing. I SI'ed again on Wed. am , and waiting again, I also know that if it is prolonged a little bit that it can be more calming to me, and so much relaxing. It is not a cut here otr there, and more cuts, frantic cutting like that.
I've caused very severe SI before as well, which I will not discuss. I'll I wanted to write was that I see how diffictult and understand why Self harm is not easy to stop doing.
My son is nearly 16 yrs old, and is up late. He can not be here at all for the SI because he knows something is going on, he has never seen it, however has seen the scars. That is enough , and I do not need him to be knocking on the door. i protect him from my crap as much as possible and do not want to expose him to it.
Cathy

 
Old 04-20-2009, 03:42 PM   #4
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Re: Self harm/feels too good to quit :(

Hey Mscat,

that clarifies how you feel alot more, thanks. I personally don't cut for the pain, honestly I never even feel it....for me it's just about getting the bad stuff out of me, watching it flow out...and I know about keeping the crap from your kids, unfortunately I was not successful with my 19 yr. old he found one of my knives in the bathroom. With our relationship he and I have never lied to each other, about anything, so I explained to him what was going on, what I did, and why I did it, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. his response was, "mom's don't do that, I have friends that do that, but mom's don't do that." Kid's just don't understand that parents have problems that they can't handle to, they're supposed to be able to handle and fix everything....well my oldest son knows Im human now. And you know what, he stil loves me, he worries a bit more and asks me questions quite a bit more, but it's to be expected.

kathryn

 
Old 04-20-2009, 09:49 PM   #5
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Re: Self harm/feels too good to quit :(

My son is disabled. I have no choice but to keep it away from him. When I SI I do not feel it right away either.... When it starts to heal, at times, i feel it more, becasue AS the gauze comes off it pulls, that is when the pain hits. Not to be graphic. the pain of Si to me is like a pinch, and than it is such a enormous high, a realease , a huge sigh of everything going out of me... Maybe being numb or something, I am unsure about what happens during the process of My SElf harming . However, I am aware that there is a difference of impulsive Self harming, in which more severe Harm is done at those times.
My son is 15 yrs old and catches a bus by 6:30am and is not home until %pm . He is in a Severely Handicapped class in anther city out of town. each day for school. I have very severe burns that he sees and does not know what has happened. All he knows is that I've been in the hospital, and has had surgries before.
The SI that I am doing as of now is not of this nature... However, bad enough that needs to be taken care of , however, I can deal with it myself. I'm not going to go into detail about it though. The SI that is. I've been seriously considering DBT . There is one not too far from where I live. However, since I rely so much on Self harm I really am unsure if DBt is going to help me.

 
Old 04-21-2009, 12:44 PM   #6
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Re: Self harm/feels too good to quit :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by mscat40 View Post
My son is disabled. I have no choice but to keep it away from him. When I SI I do not feel it right away either.... When it starts to heal, at times, i feel it more, becasue AS the gauze comes off it pulls, that is when the pain hits. Not to be graphic. the pain of Si to me is like a pinch, and than it is such a enormous high, a realease , a huge sigh of everything going out of me... Maybe being numb or something, I am unsure about what happens during the process of My SElf harming . However, I am aware that there is a difference of impulsive Self harming, in which more severe Harm is done at those times.
My son is 15 yrs old and catches a bus by 6:30am and is not home until %pm . He is in a Severely Handicapped class in anther city out of town. each day for school. I have very severe burns that he sees and does not know what has happened. All he knows is that I've been in the hospital, and has had surgries before.
The SI that I am doing as of now is not of this nature... However, bad enough that needs to be taken care of , however, I can deal with it myself. I'm not going to go into detail about it though. The SI that is. I've been seriously considering DBT . There is one not too far from where I live. However, since I rely so much on Self harm I really am unsure if DBt is going to help me.
I start my DBT Group Monday after next, and I'm terrified...I gues I'm scared that it won't help and i'll forever be stuck in the world of cutting and suicideal idealities/intentions. I hate groups so much that I really don't want to go/but another part of me really wants to get better. My pdoc and tdoc have all but promised me that this is going to help but it's a 17 month long program, thats a helluva long committment.... I just don't know anymore. I've relied on being able to self harm for so long, what is the "new" me going to be like, what if I can't retrain my brain to learn a different way to deal with all the stress and pain and fear. I hate change and new things, I really really do. and the fact that its just one more therapist to throw in the mix and this one is a bit too "manic" for my taste...she's so dang hyper, I don't generally get along very well with scatter brained hyper types and that's how she is....i know I'm just makign excuses but what else is there to do?

Oh well sorry to dump on you, it's not your problem, I guess I'll figure it out. I'm glad that your son doesn't have to know or is even able to know about yoru SH, if I could take it back and not have let my son know, I would have in a heartbeat. And I am very very careful with my 10 yr old...he'll never know. I won't do that to him.

Oh well, my meds are starting to work and I'm nodding off, so naptime for me, I'll talk at ya latr.

kat

 
Old 04-21-2009, 01:37 PM   #7
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Re: Self harm/feels too good to quit :(

Hi Kat,
I share your reservations on the DBT ! my therapist has left it up to me to call about it. I have the information packet.... It is is anther city, 45 miles away from where we live. Does not say much. We live in a tiny town, out in the middle of nowhere. So driving is what everbody has to do to go anywhere to get out of HERE ! LOL . It is , however, a great place to be if you want to hide , so quiet, I can lock myself away nobody ever bothers me . Quite nice, at times.... Me and my little Yorkie, the computor, stereo, coffee, it's all good, and it is dreadfuly HOT outside. YUCK .95' and not even summer, record high temps suck . AC is on. I do not like weather extremes or sudden changes for that matter.
DBT?? HUMMM I am very uncertain... My therapist says go a few times, thean I could stop going. Shoot, WHF? My scars all over the place, my arm is always wrapped, their are going to be people like me there... Geez, I have a thing about feeling like being judged or looked upun at. Stared at as if I am in a freak show? Even though there not cuts, their burns, Sier's will know. The person in charge will know... The arm wrapped are all give aways... THis is why it is hard to commit to DBT . WIll I be judged by the apperance of these Si marks, the arm being wrapped? will I have to discuss it? I will not discuss that ! Not to strangers. Absolutely not. I do not do that, I will not do it, Are they going to embarass me? Ask me? Geez what if I come back with new SI ? will they kick me out of the DBT? I'll be a failure? I hate to fail! This is so screwy. I have too much anxiety about DBT. I honestly have not met an adult who SI's before. In real life. Are they like me? or mean? Have you met an Si'er before ? what was this like?

 
Old 04-21-2009, 03:07 PM   #8
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Re: Self harm/feels too good to quit :(

I'm like you except on this board I've never met a r/l'er who si's. my dbt therapist says they don't ask questions and you don't have to answer questions, it's not like that. There is "homework" each week, i mean of course you do have to "reset" your brain somehow, there'll be something you have to work on. The bad thing for me is I'll be the only SI'er in this group, so it' like really is everyone going to think I'm a freak, with the scars and all??

when the therapist found out I was a cutter, she literally jumped out of her chair got all excited grabbed my arm looked at my really bad scars and said, "man it's been a long time since I've had an active cutter!" it kinda wierded me out. but I don't have a choice if I don't go, my therapist won't work with me anymore, 4 times to the urgent care for stitches in 7 months is too much she says....something has to give.

I'm like you though I can't stand failing, I hate being a failure.

kat

 
Old 04-21-2009, 06:41 PM   #9
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Re: Self harm/feels too good to quit :(

Oh Geezz If my therapist did that to me, I'd really think that was odd too... Quite freak me crap out of me ... Shoot, I would not like it at all... I'd say what the F*** are u doing? I'd feel totally violated. Yelling her something so personal then her to behave like that? Oh hell NO. That to me, would be the ultimate betrayal. Guess I am weird about that... Totally do not like people overreacting, esp. if they get up to "see" the marks .My therapis has asked to see my burns, and I've shown them to him, however, he's never got up like what you are describing. He has though, sent me to the Hospital. When I've severely SI'ed. Called my brother, and told me we can do this the easy way or the hard way, and I got up to leave. He told me SIT DOWN. I did. The therapist, is very big and tall. I became very anxious to know my brother was coming to take me to the hospital, but thankfully it was not an ambulance.
I still have a chice about DBT, and ought to call. Seems interesting, it really does. Thank you so much for the information. You have been a tremendous help. I was not aware that DBT was for others beside SIer's. I am very much a stay at home person, cause i can't deal with others, this will be very, very difficult for me. If it gets too much then I think that is why my therapist left it up to me to go or not. He knows about me well. I have more isssues than hard for me to even understand, why I just can not deal with others, and why they annoy the hell out of me. I am constanly rolling my eyes, shaking my head, raising my eyebrows, and just can't believe how absolutely 'stupid" most human beings are. This is why i can tolerate the internet well. A safe distance. People are more real in their writings than to your face, than their stupid remarks, attitudes , in public. Guess I am venting right now. Forgive me.
Cathy

 
Old 04-21-2009, 07:37 PM   #10
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Re: Self harm/feels too good to quit :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by mscat40 View Post
Oh Geezz If my therapist did that to me, I'd really think that was odd too... Quite freak me crap out of me ... Shoot, I would not like it at all... I'd say what the F*** are u doing? I'd feel totally violated. Yelling her something so personal then her to behave like that? Oh hell NO. That to me, would be the ultimate betrayal. Guess I am weird about that... Totally do not like people overreacting, esp. if they get up to "see" the marks .My therapis has asked to see my burns, and I've shown them to him, however, he's never got up like what you are describing. He has though, sent me to the Hospital. When I've severely SI'ed. Called my brother, and told me we can do this the easy way or the hard way, and I got up to leave. He told me SIT DOWN. I did. The therapist, is very big and tall. I became very anxious to know my brother was coming to take me to the hospital, but thankfully it was not an ambulance.
I still have a chice about DBT, and ought to call. Seems interesting, it really does. Thank you so much for the information. You have been a tremendous help. I was not aware that DBT was for others beside SIer's. I am very much a stay at home person, cause i can't deal with others, this will be very, very difficult for me. If it gets too much then I think that is why my therapist left it up to me to go or not. He knows about me well. I have more isssues than hard for me to even understand, why I just can not deal with others, and why they annoy the hell out of me. I am constanly rolling my eyes, shaking my head, raising my eyebrows, and just can't believe how absolutely 'stupid" most human beings are. This is why i can tolerate the internet well. A safe distance. People are more real in their writings than to your face, than their stupid remarks, attitudes , in public. Guess I am venting right now. Forgive me.
Cathy
Hey girl I"m the sam way with groups of people, when I was 4 we were at the prison visiting my dad, where he was for molesting my sister, before it was my turn, and a fight broke out in the holding/visiting area and I got thrown in the middle and roughed up really bad. So apparanty it screwed me up pretty bad, and that's why I don't do groups of people. I hate being in a grup. When I'm in patient I never go to group, I just sit on my bed until they let me out.

You ought to try DBT, it was originally started for Schizophrenia. Oh yeah my pdoc added a new dx to my labels...borderline personality disorder...i'm so tired of labels.


kat

 
Old 04-22-2009, 03:01 PM   #11
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Re: Self harm/feels too good to quit :(

Borderline Personality Disorder, eh... join the crowd. Had that one ten times over thrown out on me too. Yuck labels suck. That along with the clinical depression, thyroid disoder, and severe trauma, guess that would be PTSD. DId anther SI morning . Sometimes, I just don't care, you know what I mean? It's that I've been talking about really painful stuff the last few weeks in therapy that's triggered me into a tailspin. I tried to talk myself into not doing the self harm... Yet , it did not work. My arm was already wrapped up, so I just unwrapped it, and did so did more. Now again, it hurts a little, after hrs, later, of course. I am taking my son to therapy this afternoon. It's good for him. He needs to talk about his problems too. Man to man. I can't help him the way a therapist can. I do not want to mess him up. My childhood was bad. Full of trauma and abuse. I try to be the best parent. ANd overcompensate, probably by letting him have to much of everything. Being that he is on the autistic spectrum with cognitive delays. He is a bit spoiled. Is obsessess over stuff .Talks over and over about what only interests him. It is hard to listen to him repeat everything, topics of interests... But that is him. I love him dearly. I spoil him. He is a lot younger then his age . Because of his delays. It makes him seem a lot more innocent. Not lot a teenager almost 16 years old.
He is still a sweetheart of a kid, much like a boy still. easily taken advantage of, and easily has his feelings hurt. Now though he becomes angry, and tantrums. Not so good, because he is bigger and stronger than me !
I don't want him to know that though!
DBT? Well I am really still unsure about it. And frankly quite scared. About what happened to you as a little 4yr old . How traumatic ! That must have been so scary! You could have been seriouly hurt! such a tiny little girl, getting caught in the middle of that ! OMG, how frightning! You have helped me so much understand DBT , and now it makes me really interested in giving it a try.
Thank you.
Cathy

 
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