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Old 04-23-2009, 09:02 AM   #1
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Ironic

Word for the day ironic...I have to start the DBT Group Therapy class for my severe cutting tendencies in approximately 11 days and I am terrified. My anxiety is through the roof..... The ironic part being I'm going to the class to retrain my brain to learn not to cut and the thought of goign is making me <anxious>.

I can't do groups, being around strangers petrifies me, makes me feel unsafe, terrorized, anxious, panicked and in danger....all this stemming from trauma from when I was a child. I'm not sure I can do this...my pdoc says i can he's sure Im strong enough to do this, and he knows I have the will to get better, my tdoc says I can, and that she is possitive that my willpower to overcome the cutting behaviour will get me through the doors and the initial fear of getting into the group setting. When the class was months away I actually thought I could do it, i was convinced I could, that I'd be fine, we've been working on it for weeks and weeks....but now that it's days away....I don't know how to get through those doors and in that room with all those stangers...

and then once I'm there, I'm the only self harmer, the only freakshow who wears my problem on the outside of my skin with the scars and cuts....like everyone won't have questions and stares....RIGHT!

kat

Last edited by Administrator; 05-11-2009 at 08:10 PM.

 
Old 04-23-2009, 02:46 PM   #2
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Re: Ironic

you know yourself better then anyone else ! If your not ready to do this then you need to tell them! PLease try and not self harm, your trying to cope , and your at your wits end. All the stress, it's way too much. The therapis, the psych Dr. they do not know that it's all too much for you do deal with... HUn, what can they do if you say you are not ready to go ? there is too much at stake? You groups, stares, people, fears, all of it. I COULD NOT do that myself either!!!!! You are important! Your feelings matter, your emotions matter, your thoughts matter! I think your feeling like your losing control , and i think your feeling like this is too much for you ... AND you know WHAT? I BELIEVE YOU!!!!! DO NOT GO!!!! you have a right to say NO> Maybe some day, but right now NO. Not now... THis is not the time . It should be your choice rather you go .If your not ready then your not ready. Do not go.
The self harming is your way to cope and I understand> I do not believe you want to go, and I feel for you. The people , who are trying to help you need to respect your wishes .If they do not , then they are not helping you. They are making theings worse for you. To have you fall back into your old behaviors/or same behaviors... Well I too am the same way. Wonder if they are aware of how much self harmimg you have been doing? My therapist does not !
Goodnees gracious, you and I are so much a like... It is really odd to me. when I read your posts... Anyhow, if your not ready to join the DBT group, then your not ready! I honesty do not feel that you ought to be pushed into going.
Cathy

 
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Old 04-23-2009, 04:51 PM   #3
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Re: Ironic

Kat,
I'm sorry you are so nervous about this. <<hugs>> I know it is really hard, but you have gotten through so much more.
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Old 04-23-2009, 05:27 PM   #4
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Re: Ironic

mscat,

If it were only that easy....if I were only a self harmer and did not also have BPII with severe med resistant depression...my cutting can go very wrong very quickly. The last time i had to go for stitches,.


deleted


It's not the actual DBT work that I'm scared of, workig hard has never scared me and learning new things intrigues me...I just have to get past the "group fear" hang up.

I can't lose my tdoc, she is wonderful, she helps me in so many ways, she's always there for me, morning , night, day, midddle of the night it doesn't matter. She has me call her whenever I fell i'm going to cut, so that she can talk me down, so to speak....how many therapists care about their patients enough to do that....not many, trust me, I've been through alot. And I don't ever lie to my tdoc she sees every scar, every cut, I don't try to hide them from her, its pointless, she has a sixth sense about them....and as much money as I spend on therapy what's the point if I just go in there and make stuff up?

My pdoc is also glad that I'm doing this also, since trying to control the ideations are more his side of things and keeping them under control.

I want to get well/better/different whatever you want to call it. I want to stop cutting....after 27 years I'm tired of this being my only coping skill....but I have to be able to get into the room first and for me that's more terrifying


kat

Last edited by Administrator; 05-11-2009 at 08:13 PM. Reason: leave off the explicit details!

 
Old 04-24-2009, 01:44 AM   #5
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Re: Ironic

I understand . It is the group of all the people. I am very glag your therapist is so wonderful. SHe does really care is has your best interest at heart . I hope for the best for you. It is always scary and terrifying . Your goign to get through it though, the first time will be the worst. But, your strong. And your can do this. I know it was not the work, I kjnew it was the group, because that is what bothers me about it too.
I have had severe Injuries of SI ... I understand fully how scray SI is , and how it sems to take a hold of me and won't let go , IMy therapist has no idea . I say nothing to him, he does not ask, sometimes he does, but he has not. Since he has not asked, I have not said.
I am very glad your ready to Quit. I think you are ready to go to the DBT, and you are going todo well.
CAthy

Last edited by Administrator; 05-11-2009 at 08:16 PM. Reason: do not post details

 
Old 04-24-2009, 08:58 AM   #6
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Re: Ironic

You and I are so alike in ways....


I was up most of last night, having panic attacks, not sleeping, but I didn't cut, i sat on my bed with my "kit" and stared at it, but didn't use it....don't think I'll be able to be that strong tonight, it's just too much stress and anxiety to handle...and the sad thing is, I'm on too very strong anxiety meds.

kat

Last edited by Administrator; 05-11-2009 at 08:16 PM. Reason: removed details

 
Old 04-24-2009, 11:19 AM   #7
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Re: Ironic

Glad you did not SI, and were able to hold out. i know how it is to try not to. I will admit to you that I SI for the feeling/i hardly feel the pain/cause of the numbing of emotions. I am usually such in a daze I miss so many words, and block /tune what is all around me .Because the worls is a frightning place. Never Have I SI'd for Attention....

I kept my son home today. He and I slept in.


I hope your going to be ok tonight, Kat. My thoughts are going to be with you, i am not going to sit here and be a hypocrite. Take care of your self. Cathy

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Old 04-24-2009, 02:54 PM   #8
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Re: Ironic

Kat,
I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now. I know it sucks. <<hugs>>

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Old 04-24-2009, 05:01 PM   #9
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Re: Ironic

I understand completely, I often worry that people on thisboard look at my posts and think....who does she think she is giving advice

yes I am human and I do screw up, alot these days, actually. But I don' consider myself a hypocrite because I do admit that, and if I can help 1 person to stop Self harming or injuring themselves then it's worth it. I will post here and support those who want it, and share what I've learned good and bad, because I've lived this life for 27 years...and if I can help just 1 person not have to live the same hell, then it's worth it.

And Catherine I don't think of you as a hypocrite
. I'm glad your son is home with you this weekend because I know that means you won't SI, and that makes me glad for you. I'm sure that you really enjoy the time that you get to spend with him especially since you don't get to have him with you all the time.

I just took some clonnazapam to help with the anxiety but it's not doing much, hopefully it will keep the urges down some...I really am having a hard time tonight
.

kat

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Old 04-24-2009, 05:03 PM   #10
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Re: Ironic

Quote:
Originally Posted by typeing View Post
Kat,
I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now. I know it sucks. <<hugs>>

Typeing
Thanks hon, you're very sweet and I apprciate yoursupport very very much. It's looking to be a tough night, so I'll probably be bugging you alot via pm. *s* Hopefullly I can keep it under control tonight, but I don't know, it' so hard right now.

kat

 
Old 04-24-2009, 05:26 PM   #11
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Re: Ironic

[read the rules and follow them.]
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anxiety disorder
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ONH and nystagmus causing legal blindness
hypothyroid
cortizone deficient

Last edited by Administrator; 05-11-2009 at 08:19 PM.

 
Old 04-25-2009, 01:43 AM   #12
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Re: Ironic

Kat,
Are you doing ok tonight? early am? I see that your on here? I hope your ok.

my thoughts are with you. I also take the clonipin... ANd a couple of other pM meds.. It has not hit me yet. Shoot, it's nearly 2am here in CA. SO quiet and I love it that way. Should be sleeping, but can't yet .
Cathy

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Old 04-25-2009, 08:57 AM   #13
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Re: Ironic

Hey Cathy,

I fell asleep around 1:30 and that lasted all until about 3:15 as usual, I never get more than 2 hours or so a night, no matte what meds I take. So yeah I was lurking around a good portion of the middle of the night.


I thought I was going to suffocate from the panic and stress, etc. But the good of it is, I was able to control myself,


kat

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Old 04-25-2009, 09:06 AM   #14
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Re: Ironic

I'm sorry you had such a bad night. <hugs>
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Old 04-25-2009, 04:54 PM   #15
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Re: Ironic

I thought about you, and about Kat and then I was beggining to try and send good thoughts your way from California to NC, my State of Birth>
Glad the night is over and hope you are able to get R&R today. Are you on unemployment right now hun? Just asking because I am thinking that you may be eleigbble for Social Security Disability. Have you thought about this? Or do you plan on going back to work? If it's none of my buisness then tell me so.
Cathy

Last edited by Administrator; 05-11-2009 at 08:21 PM.

 
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