Word for the day ironic...I have to start the DBT Group Therapy class for my severe cutting tendencies in approximately 11 days and I am terrified. My anxiety is through the roof..... The ironic part being I'm going to the class to retrain my brain to learn not to cut and the thought of goign is making me <anxious>.
I can't do groups, being around strangers petrifies me, makes me feel unsafe, terrorized, anxious, panicked and in danger....all this stemming from trauma from when I was a child. I'm not sure I can do this...my pdoc says i can he's sure Im strong enough to do this, and he knows I have the will to get better, my tdoc says I can, and that she is possitive that my willpower to overcome the cutting behaviour will get me through the doors and the initial fear of getting into the group setting. When the class was months away I actually thought I could do it, i was convinced I could, that I'd be fine, we've been working on it for weeks and weeks....but now that it's days away....I don't know how to get through those doors and in that room with all those stangers...
and then once I'm there, I'm the only self harmer, the only freakshow who wears my problem on the outside of my skin with the scars and cuts....like everyone won't have questions and stares....RIGHT!
kat
Last edited by Administrator; 05-11-2009 at 08:10 PM.
you know yourself better then anyone else ! If your not ready to do this then you need to tell them! PLease try and not self harm, your trying to cope , and your at your wits end. All the stress, it's way too much. The therapis, the psych Dr. they do not know that it's all too much for you do deal with... HUn, what can they do if you say you are not ready to go ? there is too much at stake? You groups, stares, people, fears, all of it. I COULD NOT do that myself either!!!!! You are important! Your feelings matter, your emotions matter, your thoughts matter! I think your feeling like your losing control , and i think your feeling like this is too much for you ... AND you know WHAT? I BELIEVE YOU!!!!! DO NOT GO!!!! you have a right to say NO> Maybe some day, but right now NO. Not now... THis is not the time . It should be your choice rather you go .If your not ready then your not ready. Do not go.
The self harming is your way to cope and I understand> I do not believe you want to go, and I feel for you. The people , who are trying to help you need to respect your wishes .If they do not , then they are not helping you. They are making theings worse for you. To have you fall back into your old behaviors/or same behaviors... Well I too am the same way. Wonder if they are aware of how much self harmimg you have been doing? My therapist does not !
Goodnees gracious, you and I are so much a like... It is really odd to me. when I read your posts... Anyhow, if your not ready to join the DBT group, then your not ready! I honesty do not feel that you ought to be pushed into going.
Cathy
If it were only that easy....if I were only a self harmer and did not also have BPII with severe med resistant depression...my cutting can go very wrong very quickly. The last time i had to go for stitches,.
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It's not the actual DBT work that I'm scared of, workig hard has never scared me and learning new things intrigues me...I just have to get past the "group fear" hang up.
I can't lose my tdoc, she is wonderful, she helps me in so many ways, she's always there for me, morning , night, day, midddle of the night it doesn't matter. She has me call her whenever I fell i'm going to cut, so that she can talk me down, so to speak....how many therapists care about their patients enough to do that....not many, trust me, I've been through alot. And I don't ever lie to my tdoc she sees every scar, every cut, I don't try to hide them from her, its pointless, she has a sixth sense about them....and as much money as I spend on therapy what's the point if I just go in there and make stuff up?
My pdoc is also glad that I'm doing this also, since trying to control the ideations are more his side of things and keeping them under control.
I want to get well/better/different whatever you want to call it. I want to stop cutting....after 27 years I'm tired of this being my only coping skill....but I have to be able to get into the room first and for me that's more terrifying
kat
Last edited by Administrator; 05-11-2009 at 08:13 PM.
Reason: leave off the explicit details!
I understand . It is the group of all the people. I am very glag your therapist is so wonderful. SHe does really care is has your best interest at heart . I hope for the best for you. It is always scary and terrifying . Your goign to get through it though, the first time will be the worst. But, your strong. And your can do this. I know it was not the work, I kjnew it was the group, because that is what bothers me about it too.
I have had severe Injuries of SI ... I understand fully how scray SI is , and how it sems to take a hold of me and won't let go , IMy therapist has no idea . I say nothing to him, he does not ask, sometimes he does, but he has not. Since he has not asked, I have not said.
I am very glad your ready to Quit. I think you are ready to go to the DBT, and you are going todo well.
CAthy
Last edited by Administrator; 05-11-2009 at 08:16 PM.
Reason: do not post details
I was up most of last night, having panic attacks, not sleeping, but I didn't cut, i sat on my bed with my "kit" and stared at it, but didn't use it....don't think I'll be able to be that strong tonight, it's just too much stress and anxiety to handle...and the sad thing is, I'm on too very strong anxiety meds.
kat
Last edited by Administrator; 05-11-2009 at 08:16 PM.
Reason: removed details
Glad you did not SI, and were able to hold out. i know how it is to try not to. I will admit to you that I SI for the feeling/i hardly feel the pain/cause of the numbing of emotions. I am usually such in a daze I miss so many words, and block /tune what is all around me .Because the worls is a frightning place. Never Have I SI'd for Attention....
I kept my son home today. He and I slept in.
I hope your going to be ok tonight, Kat. My thoughts are going to be with you, i am not going to sit here and be a hypocrite. Take care of your self. Cathy
Last edited by Administrator; 05-11-2009 at 08:18 PM.
I understand completely, I often worry that people on thisboard look at my posts and think....who does she think she is giving advice
yes I am human and I do screw up, alot these days, actually. But I don' consider myself a hypocrite because I do admit that, and if I can help 1 person to stop Self harming or injuring themselves then it's worth it. I will post here and support those who want it, and share what I've learned good and bad, because I've lived this life for 27 years...and if I can help just 1 person not have to live the same hell, then it's worth it.
And Catherine I don't think of you as a hypocrite
. I'm glad your son is home with you this weekend because I know that means you won't SI, and that makes me glad for you. I'm sure that you really enjoy the time that you get to spend with him especially since you don't get to have him with you all the time.
I just took some clonnazapam to help with the anxiety but it's not doing much, hopefully it will keep the urges down some...I really am having a hard time tonight
.
kat
Last edited by Administrator; 05-11-2009 at 08:19 PM.
Kat,
I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now. I know it sucks. <<hugs>>
Typeing
Thanks hon, you're very sweet and I apprciate yoursupport very very much. It's looking to be a tough night, so I'll probably be bugging you alot via pm. *s* Hopefullly I can keep it under control tonight, but I don't know, it' so hard right now.
Kat,
Are you doing ok tonight? early am? I see that your on here? I hope your ok.
my thoughts are with you. I also take the clonipin... ANd a couple of other pM meds.. It has not hit me yet. Shoot, it's nearly 2am here in CA. SO quiet and I love it that way. Should be sleeping, but can't yet .
Cathy
Last edited by Administrator; 05-11-2009 at 08:20 PM.
I fell asleep around 1:30 and that lasted all until about 3:15 as usual, I never get more than 2 hours or so a night, no matte what meds I take. So yeah I was lurking around a good portion of the middle of the night.
I thought I was going to suffocate from the panic and stress, etc. But the good of it is, I was able to control myself,
kat
Last edited by Administrator; 05-11-2009 at 08:20 PM.
I thought about you, and about Kat and then I was beggining to try and send good thoughts your way from California to NC, my State of Birth>
Glad the night is over and hope you are able to get R&R today. Are you on unemployment right now hun? Just asking because I am thinking that you may be eleigbble for Social Security Disability. Have you thought about this? Or do you plan on going back to work? If it's none of my buisness then tell me so.
Cathy
Last edited by Administrator; 05-11-2009 at 08:21 PM.
Once again we have a connection I am in NC, but you are in CA, my place of birth! No unemploymet for me as I worked for a non-profit organization the last 10 yrs. But I'm starting my own financial consulting business and doing SRO writing for a friends Web Hosting business, so it's just very slooowww going, hopefully in a month or two there will be enough fnds to actually pay the bills. Until then I am living on the benvolance of my very generous father in law. I finally broke down and had to call my tdoc tonight...it just got to bad, to panicked, to much wanting to cut.....and if it started it would have went to far. So she as usual, worked her magic and got me calmed down and feeling confident that I can get through the night with the techniques she gave me over the phone....I hope. I just want my brain to turn off so I can actually sleep, it just never seems to stop these days, always thinking, worrrying, running.
Ironic for sure.... Birth places LOL that is funny . U in Ca, me In NC. your so lucky you can call your therapist and talk to her like that. I am so happy she helped you and helped you feel beeter, calming you , so you could relax and sleep. I was very concerned for you last night, and the night before.
my therapsit has a message phone I can call, and i also have his cell phone number, but I am only suppose to use that on Wed, and thurs. I wouldn't dare use it any other time. the cell phone.
Well Matt is in school tommorow. Early am. . If Steve/therapist asks if i've been si'ing then i'll tell him the truth.
BUT, there is the fear that he is going to ask. And I'll let him know... When that happens he is going to send me to the Medical hospital, and the Hospital is going to 5150 me
This is the worst possible thing that could happen if he finds out/the therapist .Here's hoping that he does not ask, and I do not have to reply, because I do not lie to him.
I have not lied to him, cause that is not what I do to people>
Kat, Your not interested in applying for Social Security ?
Last edited by Administrator; 05-11-2009 at 08:23 PM.
So what are you supposed todo if you have a psych emergency on M, T, F, S or Sun? That is so wierd that he'll onlylet you call him on Wed and Thurs. I have my tdoc's home phone and am to call her everytime I feel like I'm going to start cutting, like last night. I also have my pdoc's home phone and cell phone numbers and am to call him when I feel suicidally depressed or if the suicidal ideations/intentions get too bad.
I've filled out this online thing with allsup for preliminiary SS Disability stuff, so I'm checking into it. I'm just not sure if it will do any good, since I'm still able to work. I might as well try it, everone else does.
I got a letter from the SEC today so I have to go see them about my unmployment filing tomorrow, don't know what that's all about.
I've been doing pretty well today using my relaxation techniques to stay calm, also have had a headache all day so tood migraines meds and those make me sleepy so that probably didn't hurt any.
kat
Last edited by Administrator; 05-11-2009 at 08:23 PM.
Kat,
your so lucky that you are able to call your therapist and psych Dr. like that! I ceratinly can't. My therapist has a number that I can call and leave messages.. That's it. He gets them, however, does not return the calls. He works at a different place mon, and Tues, but they lost their building, so he is making house calls. As soon as they obtain a new building, I'll be able to contact him, and I still can leave messages on his other number. There is even anther number too I can call... I've called once, but it is not him that i talk to. So i do not like calling. It's more like a crisis num. and you just talk to someone>
I'd rather call and talk to my therapist and let him at least know what's going on, leaving messages, which I do. He gave me his cell number, because i kept complaining about calling the office number and having to talk to the stupid people at the desk.
My son was just fully re evaluated and his scores placed him at an extremely below average cognitive level. along with being on the autistic sprectrum. I knew that though. I feel sad . Because he is my boy, and it is difficult not to wonder if I did something wrong to cause him to have all these difficulties.
He's at school right now. I am so happy that you have all the support you got when you need it the most. Very lucky , and I am certain it helps you when you need it the most. I have my Yorkie , she keeps me happy.. SOmetimes a little dog can do more then a person or a profeesional can However, in regards to SI , not even she can control the demon inside me.
I am glad your doing well today, using your relaxation techniques. I love scented candles. Taking a nap is good, and may help you also feel better, and help you get rid of your migraine headache.
cathy
along with being on the autistic sprectrum. I knew that though. I feel sad . Because he is my boy, and it is difficult not to wonder if I did something wrong to cause him to have all these difficulties. 
However, in regards to SI , not even she can control the demon inside me. 
