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Old 05-03-2009, 08:36 PM   #1
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replacing old habits with worse ones

I have SI-ed for a while now, and my injury of choice has always been cutting. I've been in recovery for a while, only cutting once or twice a year now. My therapist is adamant about me following our protocol and not SI-ing. The rules are that if I use my skills, distraction, emotion regulation, or whatnot and it isn't helping before I SI I have to call my therapist. So basically I'm not allowed to cut anymore. The stress of not being able to has led me to other methods of I guess what you could consider SI-ing. Lately, I have been taking extra pain pills when I have the urge to SI. I have them for my chronic back pain. And I can take four a day, at least four hours apart. However, if I am in a funk, I will just take two or three pills to carry on without worrying about other forms of SI-ing.

Anyway, I know this is not good, but I don't know how to stop. Also, I am worried about becoming physically addicted to the pain pills. Not to mention that they have acetaminophen in them that can be very harmful to the liver. My mom tells me to just stop taking the pain pills or get rid of them. But I honestly need them for the pain I am in. So I can't just stop taking them and throw them away. That would be the easiest solution to not abusing my medication. I need some help. Any suggestions are very much appreciated.

-amanda

 
Old 05-03-2009, 10:27 PM   #2
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Re: replacing old habits with worse ones

Quote:
Originally Posted by goldfishie View Post
I have SI-ed for a while now, and my injury of choice has always been cutting. I've been in recovery for a while, only cutting once or twice a year now. My therapist is adamant about me following our protocol and not SI-ing. The rules are that if I use my skills, distraction, emotion regulation, or whatnot and it isn't helping before I SI I have to call my therapist. So basically I'm not allowed to cut anymore. The stress of not being able to has led me to other methods of I guess what you could consider SI-ing. Lately, I have been taking extra pain pills when I have the urge to SI. I have them for my chronic back pain. And I can take four a day, at least four hours apart. However, if I am in a funk, I will just take two or three pills to carry on without worrying about other forms of SI-ing.

Anyway, I know this is not good, but I don't know how to stop. Also, I am worried about becoming physically addicted to the pain pills. Not to mention that they have acetaminophen in them that can be very harmful to the liver. My mom tells me to just stop taking the pain pills or get rid of them. But I honestly need them for the pain I am in. So I can't just stop taking them and throw them away. That would be the easiest solution to not abusing my medication. I need some help. Any suggestions are very much appreciated.

-amanda
Amanda,

You don't say how long you've been taking the pain meds but for all intensive purposes you probably are already "dependant" on them. When you take pain meds for a specific medical reason it's not an addiction it;s dependency there is a difference. I also am a Chronic Pain patient and have been on heavy narcotics for the past 9 years. I know I am dependant on them and after I have my last 3 remaining surgeries will have to wean from them, which will be a nightmare, but it's something that will have to be done.

I also am in a similar situation with my tdoc. My cutting had gotten to the point where I had to go and get stitches 4 times in the last 7 months, so she basically told me either I enroll in a Group DBT therapy group or she cannot work with me anymore, because my cutting is getting to the point where it is just too dangerous and I need help she cannot provide. Well that pretty much pis*** me off, but I accepted it because I really love my tdoc and she and I have been working together for the last year and a half and we have a strong relationship. I also am supposed to call her if I feel like I'm going to cut or I cannot control the urges to, but lately haven't been doing to good at that. I start my class tomorrow and I'm terrified of groups and new people, etc. I have self harmed for 27 years but it has been the worst ever in the last year and a half, due to some remembered childhood trauma. My pdoc also supports me going to the group, but he is not demanding that I go. I know how you feel about cutting more when they tell you can't. I have cut myself more inthe last 2 weeks than I have in the last 2 months due to worrying about this stupid class and being pis*** at my tdoc for making me go. I just cannot control the urges right now. I am on 8 different psych meds currently for my various "disorders" and none of them seem to help with the cutting.

The only advice I can give you is to try and take it a day at a time, or an hour at a time if that is too much. Also if you have a med safe you could lock up all but 1 days worth of pills at a time and give someone else you trust with the key, and have them dole out your meds each day, perhaps your mom? I know how easy it is to reach for that bottle of pain pills to make yourself numb to everything else and make yourself not want to cut, but that just adds to the problem.

Sorry if I wrote a book. I'm always around day or night if you need to talk.

kat

Last edited by katlin09; 05-03-2009 at 10:29 PM.

 
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Old 05-05-2009, 09:18 PM   #3
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Re: replacing old habits with worse ones

Kat, thanks for the comment. It helps to know that other people have the same/similar urges that I have. I guess getting past the urge is the difficult part. I read your suggestions about having my mom or someone pass out my medication daily, and I just can't do that anymore. I have this thing about being super independent and only when I feel I might try to kill myself with my meds do I give them to someone. It really isn't such a good thing that I am so stubborn in this situation because I really cannot control myself very well. The only thing that keeps me from taking 4 or 5 instead of 2 or 3 pills is that my presciption will run out too soon and my pain management Dr. will not refill my prescription that much earlier. The past few weeks I have also been medicating myself before therapy sessions. To my therapist that would be like me cutting right before the session and comming in bleeding all over her office. So if my therapist knew, she would probably stop seeing me, and I can't have that happen because I've been seeing her for 6 and 1/2 years now (I could never start over with someone new). Problem is I can blame the sleepy and tired effects of the medication on my job (which wakes me at 4:45 in the am) and working out earlier in the day. I know if I am not careful she will catch on. Also, I am in a DBT group as you said you were starting. I feel a need to medicate to make it to and through group as well, but we signed a contract that said we would not attend group under the influence of anything. So far, I have only taken the allowed amount of pain meds before attending group.

Anyway, now that I've written my own book...I guess I atleast feel a little better finally telling somebody all of this. It is hard for me to tell people for fear that they won't understand and will tell on me, but it is even harder to keep all of this under wraps and not let anyone know. I know I need to stop, but I really don't want to. And I feel that there needs to be a "want" for anything to happen. I eventually reached that point with cutting. I need to reach that point soon with the pain pills before I have an acetaminaphin overdose and go into liver failure.

I hope DBT goes well for you and that being in the group doesn't defeat the purpose of being there to learn the skills. If you ever need help with the skills or have questions and whatnot, please feel free to ask. I'm working on my 4th time through the program.

Thanks for listening/reading,
Amanda

 
Old 05-06-2009, 10:21 AM   #4
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Re: replacing old habits with worse ones

Quote:
Originally Posted by goldfishie View Post
Kat, thanks for the comment. It helps to know that other people have the same/similar urges that I have. I guess getting past the urge is the difficult part. I read your suggestions about having my mom or someone pass out my medication daily, and I just can't do that anymore. I have this thing about being super independent and only when I feel I might try to kill myself with my meds do I give them to someone. It really isn't such a good thing that I am so stubborn in this situation because I really cannot control myself very well. The only thing that keeps me from taking 4 or 5 instead of 2 or 3 pills is that my presciption will run out too soon and my pain management Dr. will not refill my prescription that much earlier. The past few weeks I have also been medicating myself before therapy sessions. To my therapist that would be like me cutting right before the session and comming in bleeding all over her office. So if my therapist knew, she would probably stop seeing me, and I can't have that happen because I've been seeing her for 6 and 1/2 years now (I could never start over with someone new). Problem is I can blame the sleepy and tired effects of the medication on my job (which wakes me at 4:45 in the am) and working out earlier in the day. I know if I am not careful she will catch on. Also, I am in a DBT group as you said you were starting. I feel a need to medicate to make it to and through group as well, but we signed a contract that said we would not attend group under the influence of anything. So far, I have only taken the allowed amount of pain meds before attending group.

Anyway, now that I've written my own book...I guess I atleast feel a little better finally telling somebody all of this. It is hard for me to tell people for fear that they won't understand and will tell on me, but it is even harder to keep all of this under wraps and not let anyone know. I know I need to stop, but I really don't want to. And I feel that there needs to be a "want" for anything to happen. I eventually reached that point with cutting. I need to reach that point soon with the pain pills before I have an acetaminaphin overdose and go into liver failure.

I hope DBT goes well for you and that being in the group doesn't defeat the purpose of being there to learn the skills. If you ever need help with the skills or have questions and whatnot, please feel free to ask. I'm working on my 4th time through the program.

Thanks for listening/reading,
Amanda
Amanda,

Don't feel bad, I can't give my meds to anyone to dole out either, except when I'm suicidal and then I have to call from my pdocs office and have my mother in law arrange to pick them up and only leave me one days worth at a time...not enough to kill me even if I did take them all at once. We do this routine until the suicidal ideations stop which could be anwhere from a couple of days to a week or more. I'm pretty independant like you and hate people being in my busness all the time.

I may take you up on that offer to explain some of the DBT stuff, cuz Monday it was just plain wierd, too much talk of buddha and the dalii llama for my taste. Right now we started on the "Wise Mind", so we'll see how that goes. My tdoc is going to help me with my homework each week during session and we'll go over it, so that will probably help also.

kat

 
Old 05-06-2009, 12:59 PM   #5
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Re: replacing old habits with worse ones

Hi Amanda,
What I have Known is that is not uncommon for people who suffer from any type of addiction, sometimes SI can become an just that, to trade off , anther for anther one. Stop, then get "hooked" unto anther one. It is just as self destructive as the other. AND you do need to hit rock bottom before stopping . OR decide for yourself enough is enough. However, this does not mean to turn to something else.
Some people have a addictive personality, which means that it is extra difficult to NOT turn to something as a way to cope> . Either it be Drugs, Drinking, Gambeling, Shoplifting, Spending, Speeding, Reckless Driving, Their are so many ADDICTIONS out there. Overeating, Undereating .
Prescription drug abuse is scary though. Especially the pain killers. Please try to get this under control. However SI is not the Answer either, it is not a good thing to fall back into old behaviors either> i hope that your going to be ok. The pain meds are highly addictice, esp. If taken over a certain length of time.
I've been on them quite frequently too.
Best wishes to you.
Cathy

 
Old 05-07-2009, 12:01 PM   #6
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Re: replacing old habits with worse ones

Cathy,

Thanks for your concern as well. I know it is not right to replace my SI behavior with taking pain pills. But somehow it just seems less worse. A lesser of two evils I guess you could say. In the long run it is SI, it will hurt me just as much if not even more. And I know that. I know that, but I can't help it. I need a way to be able to take my pain pills without abusing them. Maybe I could ask my doctor to put me on a different perscription. Perhaps starting over on a new medication would make me feel like I couldn't abuse it. I don't know.

I believe I do have an addictive personality type, like you said. I am also beginning to spend money. Money that I have, so I'm not in debt or anything yet, but I am supposed to be saving the money to pay for school. It is very hard for me to hold on to money when I have it. Now that I have a (small but steady) paycheck, I'm off buying people gifts, treating myself to pedicures, buying things I don't normally buy. It is something else I have to watch out for. But I am still not cutting. Which is a good thing, right? I don't know which is worse, spending and OD-ing or cutting. I know I am just trying to justify my medication abuse. And I need to stop doing that. But anyway, thankyou for reading my message and for your "best wishes." I do appreciate it.

-Amanda

 
Old 05-12-2009, 05:18 PM   #7
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Re: replacing old habits with worse ones

To anyone out there:

I'm just having really strong urges to cut and thought that telling someone might help me get through it. I'm kind of sick, an allergy or sinus thing, so I feel really bad, tired and achey. My chronic shoulder and back pain are flaring up badly, and I am trying not to take more than the one pain pill I just took. I would call my therapist but she is not available yet.

I guess I am just trying to reach out to someone before I continue with my plan.

Thanks,
Amanda

 
Old 05-12-2009, 07:25 PM   #8
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Re: replacing old habits with worse ones

Quote:
Originally Posted by goldfishie View Post
To anyone out there:

I'm just having really strong urges to cut and thought that telling someone might help me get through it. I'm kind of sick, an allergy or sinus thing, so I feel really bad, tired and achey. My chronic shoulder and back pain are flaring up badly, and I am trying not to take more than the one pain pill I just took. I would call my therapist but she is not available yet.

I guess I am just trying to reach out to someone before I continue with my plan.

Thanks,
Amanda
Amanda,

Do you live by yourself? If not, could you give those pain meds to your roomate to hold omto until you feel safe again? Do you have a family member who lives close by? someone that can help you get through rough times? W/O having to go into too much detail? Maybe to have someone just come to your place for company? Or go hang out with them? Get out of your place for a while and not be alone? Because when you are alone your more likely to SI.
SI is done privately.
Your going to need to reach out, right now. Call your therapist, does she have a message machine? Talk to her on it, let her at least know what is happening right now.
I am glad you have wrote on here. You are reaching out, however, your going to need to take action > before you react, and take it out on yourself, whatever you are feeling, or trying not to feel. If you are tring not to harm yourself than your going to really need to distract yourself and get yourself away from thinking and doing SElf harm> as much as you can.
Cathy

 
Old 05-14-2009, 02:58 PM   #9
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Re: replacing old habits with worse ones

amanda,

Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing? Have things gotten any better for you, calmed down a bit? If not you know that we're here to talk to you antyime night or day.

Stay in touch and stay safe,

kat

 
Old 05-14-2009, 05:20 PM   #10
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Re: replacing old habits with worse ones

Kat and Cathy,

Thankyou for your concern. I felt safer last night, but today was a rough day, seeing both my therapist and p-doc in the same day. I didn't tell my therapist about some minor SI. She didn't ask and I didn't offer. But I was not dishonest. it was on my ankle and I was wearing a knee-length skirt and flip-flops during my session. I did tell my p-doc that I had some minor SI, but he didn't ask if I've had any other urges. Days are usually not as hard as nights. I don't know if it is the same for you guys. So, I guess I'll see how tonight goes.

Today, we started some new things with medication. I've taken mood stabilizers off and on for the last 5 years or so and I've continuously been on several different mood stabilizers for the past 7-8 months and nothing seems to be helping. Mostly they just make me gain weight which is a real downer and a really bad side effect for me mentally and physically. So today we decided that I would just go without mood stabilizers and see how things go. I'm a little nervous because it has been a while since I haven't been on them, but then again, I don't feel like they are working so I shouldn't feel much different, right? I just have such extreme emotions that can be hard for me to manage, therefore when I have urges they can be really extreme also.

thanks,
Amanda

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-27-2011 at 10:23 PM.

 
Old 05-14-2009, 05:45 PM   #11
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Re: replacing old habits with worse ones

Amanda,

Yes, nights are definiely worse for me, and weekends when my son is with his dad it's like a free for all, absolutely nothing to stop me at all. My tdoc has given me an ultimatum I stop cutting completely or she can't work with me anymore. I really get ticked off at threats, I'm already am in a DBT Group because one of her ultimatum's. I'm so tired of it all.

kat

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-27-2011 at 10:24 PM.

 
Old 05-14-2009, 10:45 PM   #12
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Re: replacing old habits with worse ones

Hi Amanda,
I hope the medication change is going to be ok for you. That is always nerve racking at first. ecause you really are not sure what to expect. My Psych Dr. Placed me on the Mood Stabilzer Zonegram> It does not make you gain weight, actually people lose weight taking it. And there are people who have noticed a change in self harming behaviors. For me, I have not . I take those at night. And a anti depressant in the AM, along with a thyroid, but at night I also take Clonidine+ Clozopam, with those medications, they knock me out in the night. Now, I am also taking Pain meds too.
Yes, I understand fully the struggles of intense urges of SI, as well as the emotions. to me, that goes hand in hand. Trying to control ones emotions.

mscat40

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-27-2011 at 10:24 PM.

 
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