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Old 02-11-2010, 05:56 PM   #1
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lovemeforever16 HB User
So close to reverting back to my old ways. Someone help me, please.

Sorry, but this is probably gonna be long, but I really need someone advice; I'm desperate.
I don't know where to go from here. I haven't cut in almost 5 months, but it's never far from my mind. Everytime I get upset my eyes wander over to where I keep my cutting stuff. So I didn't have to leave my room so no one would see what I did I kept a kit type thing in my room. Complete with my cutting utensils, gauze pads, wipes, bandages, and a bottle of water that way I could cut and then clean it up without anyone seeing it. Lately idk what to do. I want to cut so bad, you have no idea. I want someone to love me. I know that's cheesy, but I want someone to love me not just how family and friends love each other; how couples love each other. I want to know that someone cares for me and loves me for me and will always be there for me. I'm a girl, obviously. And about 2 years ago my life got turned upside down when I started developing feelings for a girl. Her name was Sabrina and she was so different from anyone I'd ever met before. She was boyish, but you could very easily tell she was a girl. She was so honest and funny and upfront and was proud of who she was. I fell so hard. And was so terrified of what I was feeling. I still pretty much inlove with her even though she's dating this * whose she's been on and off with for years. It kills me that I don't have her. I told her in october how I felt about her and she said we were still cool and everything and it was until she started dating Caitlin (the *) again after the 3rd time she cheated on Sabrina. It crushed me. I'm trying to get over her now with the help of my best guy friend, Chris. Who I'm also very much inlove with. But there's only one problem. Like everyone other guy I've had in my life; he fell for Kristina, my sister who plays with guy's hearts and breaks them and damages them. She just always needs that attention. She doesn't like Chris and she knows I do and she keeps flirting and now invited him over for Valentines day when my parent's are out of town. Great. It's so hard. You don't even understand how awful she is. I'm her sister and she purposely tries to hurt me. We've talked about it so many times which probably made things worse because she knows it bothers me and now she does it on purpose knowing that it gets to me. She's already broken Chris' heart and now she's gonna do it again. I'm trying to warn him, but I'm not too worried because she is so strong and doesn't let things like that keep him down. He deserves the best because he is the best. I want to date him so bad he knows everything. He's the only one I talk with about Sabrina and he's helped me to start to get over he, he knows about my cutting and my depression, and understands. My parent's constanly fight. My sister's a brick wall; no emotions, and my dad is a pot addict *. They all knew I cut and I stopped for them which was the hardest thing that I've ever done, but they can't treat me with the slightest bit of respect? It's not fair. I'm clinically depressed and am on meds for it, but I still want to cut; now more than ever. Please someone help me; what other ways are there to cope with all that's going on without going back to cutting again?

Last edited by mentalhealth mod; 02-12-2010 at 06:36 AM. Reason: language

 
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Old 02-20-2010, 03:28 PM   #2
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digmusic HB Userdigmusic HB Userdigmusic HB Userdigmusic HB User
Re: So close to reverting back to my old ways. Someone help me, please.

get rid of the kit! That's like quitting drugs and keeping cocaine around just in case. of course you're gonna be tempted...

Are you going to therapy? The therapist can teach you other things to do so you don't cut. Also, your sister kind of sounds like a sociopath to me, I would try to stay as detached from her as possible. And maybe your friend doesn't realize you have feelings for him if you're always talking to him about your love feelings for this other girl?

Last edited by digmusic; 02-20-2010 at 03:31 PM.

 
Old 04-16-2010, 11:37 PM   #3
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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dreambig1234 HB User
Re: So close to reverting back to my old ways. Someone help me, please.

First I agree with the other post: you NEED to get rid of your kit. You keeping it says that at some point you may need it which says that you dont really want to quit.

You are trying to find your meaning for life, your strength, your self esteem, and yourself in anyone else but yourself. You first need to realize how to stand on your own two feet. To realize that you dont need anyone else for your survival. That you can do things on your own. That someday you will find someone worth loving and who loves you back but that there is plenty of time for that. I know you feel ignored and unloved and I was there for most of my life. I got through it by doing exactly what I told you. You need to be the person that you are attracted to. If the people that are around you do not act as such then limit them in your life as much as possible.
Your sister has self esteem issues and voids in her life (even though it may not seem that way to you). She tries to fill those voids with men, with cutting others down....if something makes her feel powerful it gives her a self esteem boost. The boost is superficial...deep down she wants to be different but learned through her experiences that what she is doing is the easiest way to fill her voids and make her feel good about herself.
You and your sis are essentially in the same boat but the way you are going about achieving the goal of filling your needs are different. She will someday regret the way she is acting. What you should be proud of is that you feel the same way but you are not willing to walk over people to get what you want. You have one up on her.
There is no amount of physical pain that will end your emotional pain. The only way to end it is to face it straight on and to make changes. You know the problem now figure out how you are going to deal with it.
I have grown up to be an independently strong woman. I help other people and enjoy to do so. I am 10 years out of high school and just went back to college 2 years ago to be a psychologist so that I can help people the way that I needed to be helped.
I wish you the best of luck. Dont let other people drag you down...you dont need the extra weight. Keep yourself occupied. If you have too much free time then volunteer somewhere...it feels good.
Keep your head up kid, high school is only 4 of the 100 years you will be on this planet...it goes much faster then you can imagine and it only happens once.
-T

 
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