I don't know where to begin or if I really want to get help. I feel like if I do get help I will loose that little bit of "holding and control" I have over myself.
I am a 30 year old mother of 2 and wife of an amazing man. I remember harming myself since I was about 13. At that point I would hit, punch, scratch anything to hurt myself when I got in trouble or was just plain mad. Went on for years, then there was time when I wasn't doing it. I was actually okay, during that time I started to not eat, or at least only eat very little. I wanted to be thin and have that control again.
The self harm got bad again about 4 years ago, my brother passed away (by taking his own life) he was my best friend. I didn't know how to deal with the pain of loosing my best friend. Then the physical and mental abuse got bad from the man I was living with. (at the time we had been together for 8 years) There was not a day I didn't go with out harming myself, not a day I didn't go without eating or very little.
I did start seeing a doctor who diagonsed me with Bi-Polor, Clinical Depression, and Mild Anxeity. I tried all kinds of meds at the time, sometimes I felt better other times I just wanted to die. (tried 3 different times.) I hated the way the meds made me feel, and as I look back at it I don't think I was ready to get help. I just stopped going and went off all meds at once, that brought the self harm back again.
Fast forward to now, I still harm, my husband knows I do. I hide it from him all the time. I always start with just one, but move to more as I get mad for not being in control to stop just after one. I just give up and go all out. I know for right now I am not ready for the help, I just want advice and guess see that I am not the only one out there. I know at one point I will be ready for help but I am afraid to loose the control that I have over myself. I am sure I need to go back on medication as the depression is starting to get worse again. Just for now the self harm helps me cope and I do feel better after it.
Harming ones self. I believe it is about control, feeling, not dealing with feelings, anger. There is so much to this but I understand what you say when you want to have control over some things. You were a young teenager when you began this method of coping. It seems that you did not know how to express your anger and some other feelings such as maybe anxiety and so you turned the anger and frustration inward. Was there no one there for you to show you how to express anger in a positive way?
Sometimes it takes several tries and some frustration before the right medication can be found for a particular person and their problems. It can be difficult to treat a bi-polar person because they are often resistant to treatment and tend to go off their meds. After learning these things it can make it easier for you to comply with therapy and or, medication. You can have even more control in your life by staying on the medication and telling your doctor when you are not getting any results from a particular medication.
I have been down your road with the hurting yourself and withholding of food and it is not easy to live this way. At times I still have urges to hurt myself but I don't. Not even when life is overwhelming me. I have also been anorexic and recovered by myself from that.
It would be worth your while for your quality of life to try and allow someone to help you. You also have your children to think of. What if one of them was cutting themselves. Try to think how you would feel. Sincerely, searchin
You are so not alone, unfortunately there are many of us in the same "club", one we don't particularly want to be in, but not sure how to get out of. I cut, I've been a cutter since I was 13, started after being sexually abused by my father. When i cut myself it feels like I'm letting all the pain out...it just flows away with the blood, the more the better...that's my coping and control mechanism. I was able to hide this for a very very long time, up until 4 years ago. I was married to the same man I met when i was 16, but he liked to drink and then he got mean and took it out on me, physcally and verbally. I have Bi-Polar disorder, was diagnosed when i was 20. Have had many docs over the years, many treatments, many meds. They don't always work, you do have to be ready to get help and get better. I also have 2 sons and this was hard on them, but I don't lie to my kids, I talk to them and explain things so that they can kind of understand what's going on with all the meds and doctors. I'm also a chronic pain patient, so that increases everything about 10 fold. Over the last 2 years I've had to get 87 stitches from various cutting incidents. I've done CBT, DBT, talk therapy, 2 month long in patient stays and ECT. Those along with meds and great docs, both psychiatrist and psychologist I've done much better. Since Dec. 15, 2009 I've only cut myself 2 times. I learned other ways to deal with the stress and pain of life. I got brave enough to get a divorce and quit hiding behind my fear of not being able to make it alone. It's not the perfect life, but it's better than it was. I still battle self harm everyday, I think about it everyday, how easy it would be, how I wouldn't have to work so hard....but I've made up my mind that it's not a choice.
If you're at that place and you really want to stop and get help the first thing you need to do is find a good Psychiatrist who works with these kinds of issues and will be supporting and listen to you and your suggestions. That's the place to start. And remember there always people on here that are here for you.